(06-25-2019, 10:34 AM)EvolvingPhoenix Wrote: You're right Greenduck. I'm sorry.

(06-26-2019, 08:39 AM)EvolvingPhoenix Wrote: I have a therapist. The best we could get with the insurance we have. He's not much help TBH. I am deeply ashamed and I don't think E3 is going to be able to change that. But I'll keep using as directed and I'll slowly work to become the best version of myself that I can. This is going to pain me deeply for the rest of my life, but I've got to try to move forward as best I can. Hopefully E3 will help. I'm starting to face the reality of just what my situation is: I'll never reconcile with her (not even with the becoming method) I'll never get over it, and I'll always be ashamed of myself. I've just got to live with the shame. Maybe E3 will make that easier, I dunno. I hope so.

(06-26-2019, 09:37 AM)Greenduck Wrote: Sure they will, man. Just keep going.

Well that actually doesn't sound like a good therapist who can't help get you to work with your emotions toward it. Can't you change therapist still in your plan maybe?

(06-26-2019, 10:20 AM)EvolvingPhoenix Wrote:

(06-26-2019, 09:37 AM)Greenduck Wrote: Sure they will, man. Just keep going.

Well that actually doesn't sound like a good therapist who can't help get you to work with your emotions toward it. Can't you change therapist still in your plan maybe?

This is my second therapist. The first wasn't much help either. At this point, we've gotten Vocational Rehabilitation Services to foot the rest of the bill after insurance, so, with money tight, we're reluctant to go for anyone new. These people have never been in a situation like mine and don't really have any real helpful advice to give. And pickins were slim to begin with. Fact is, this golden solution known as therapy really only works for the people lucky enough to get a good therapist, which, let's face it, must of us don't. And even if a therapist is good with one kind of client, they can be absolutely useless for another kind of client. I think if I were a juvenile delinquent in a gang, this current therapist would probably be way better equipped to handle that than he is to help me with my issues. Life is this thing where nobody really has all the answers and even 6-8 years of schooling can't really prepare you to help most peoples' problems. Academia takes a rather cold approach to the matter. I don't think most therapists are actually able to help most people. Hell, most just slap on a diagnostic label and then throw pills at the problem. A good therapist is worth more than their weight in gold, but those are few and far between and I don't think anybody I have access to qualifies. I don't even know what I should be looking for anyway. I picked this therapist, because I like the modalities he had listed on his psychology today profile. I remember my exfriend said when she was friend dumped herself, CBT worked for her, so I got a therapist who did that plus other things that looked promising. In practice however, there's much left to be desired. When my ex-friend was coldly friend dumped, she lucked out and got a really good therapist. I did not, and can't seem to find a good therapist. But everybody keeps telling me "get a therapist" like that'll solve my problems and when I tell them I have one, they say that I'm either not working with said therapist or need to get a different one. I don't think it occurs to most people that most therapists are just regular jackoffs with a degree who don't really know more than anybody else despite years of academic training, most aren't very great at their job, and most people don't have the pick of the litter when it comes to therapists. You work with what you can get and when you take cost, location, etc into account, my options are quite limited. Getting a therapist hasn't helped much. Getting another therapist hasn't helped much either. Hell, there are some therapists out there who've never had a good therapist. Therapy is one of those things that in theory, should be massively helpful to most people, but in actual practice is often unhelpful or sometimes even counterproductive.

(06-27-2019, 09:26 AM)EvolvingPhoenix Wrote: I'm listening to relatives and my parents talk about pets. And I wish I had been closer and more loving with my past pets. Like I am with my cats now. I had an opportunity to make those animals so much happier than they probably were. But I was too self absorbed. I still am self absorbed. I look at what I want out of life, and I want a comfortable independent and creative life with a 10/10 GF. I don't care about making a difference or helping others. I just want to feel good about myself. I honestly believe part of our purpose here is making a choice to serve ourselves or others. And I want to be "good" and choose service to others, but I look at my desires and behaviour and focus... And if I'm being honest, it's all quite selfish. I'm always disappointed with myself. There's the self I think I should be and the self I actually am and those are just 2 different people. Like I said, I just want to feel good about myself. Because I don't like nor love myself. So I have this ideal version of myself and my life in my head that I think I need in order to like/love myself. And I'm so caught up in that, I miss opportunities to help others feel better. Because I don't think about others' happiness. I only think of my own or lack thereof. I dunno where I'm going with this. What's there to take away from this realization? To focus on others more? Or to accept myself as I am in order to make room in my experience for the happiness of others? Let's be honest: do I really want to focus on others' happiness? Do I really want to sacrifice my self centeredness to be more attentive to others? If not, then why does it sadden me that I never went far enpugh out of my way to make my past pets happier? And if so, then why don't I do it? If I do all these things I feel I should do to be worthy of love, will I finally love myself? Will I finally pay more attention to others' needs and happiness? Maybe I got things backwards. Maybe if I focus on others more, I'll like myself better. So then why don't I do it? Do I actually derive any satisfaction from it? Do I derive satisfaction from anything? What do I need to do first to get everything else in order? Do I need to love myself before I can truly love others? Or do I need to love others before I can truly love myself? What do I actually WANT? Do I actually want what I think I SHOULD want? I want to love myself and others, but I don't think I truly love either. So what's the way to reaching that point? Maybe everything I think I need to do before I can love myself is completely wrong. But then what's the answer? Maybe I spend too much time thinking about this stuff. While I write this, I could be doing something with my family to try and make their lives better. Is there anything I could do to make their lives better? Would I actually derive satisfaxtion from it or just be doing it out of a sense of obligation? Fact is, I don't do too much of anything. Whatever I do, I need to be DOING more.