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+--- Thread: "I'm a peacock, you gotta let me fly" - Maverick Journal 2023 (/Thread-I-m-a-peacock-you-gotta-let-me-fly-Maverick-Journal-2023)
RE: "I'm a peacock, you gotta let me fly" - Maverick Journal 2023 - Z-Man - 06-14-2023
(06-14-2023, 01:37 PM)Ampersnd Wrote: Day 105,
Don't OD on Maverick, folks. Doesn't take all that much. Still experiencing the side effects from the full hour on Sunday.
Extra tired and a bit run down. Had the ice cream on Monday/Tuesday. Took a nap after work today, got some sun, and I'm feeling better.
I guess Maverick is kicking ass and taking names. Glad your chilling out. Is you peacock flying yet?
RE: "I'm a peacock, you gotta let me fly" - Maverick Journal 2023 - Ampersnd - 06-14-2023
(06-14-2023, 02:44 PM)Z-Man Wrote:(06-14-2023, 01:37 PM)Ampersnd Wrote: Day 105,
Don't OD on Maverick, folks. Doesn't take all that much. Still experiencing the side effects from the full hour on Sunday.
Extra tired and a bit run down. Had the ice cream on Monday/Tuesday. Took a nap after work today, got some sun, and I'm feeling better.
I guess Maverick is kicking ass and taking names. Glad your chilling out. Is you peacock flying yet?
The peacock is a bit grounded right now. It's growing its feathers.
I'm experiencing what Duke.Togo is saying would happen during the 4th month. The "what's the use?" factor.
Where I'm second-guessing what I'm pursuing.
RE: "I'm a peacock, you gotta let me fly" - Maverick Journal 2023 - Ampersnd - 06-15-2023
Day 106,
I'm normally positive and unflappable. The amount of negative thoughts that I have are minimal, especially those directed to myself. I normally do affirmations, etc.
This morning, I experienced the opposite of affirmations. Negations? A set of negative statements about myself.
Like, why the fuck am I doing all this work, and the absolute least is shifting in my outer world?
It's as though I have an inescapable affliction that refuses to move me to the things I want, or to make the things I want, want me.
RE: "I'm a peacock, you gotta let me fly" - Maverick Journal 2023 - Ampersnd - 06-16-2023
Day 106,
I'm starting to realize that people use two reasoning processes in parallel:
1) A logical, plausible-sounding argument, usually the one stated aloud.
2) The actual, "emotional", soul-bound reason; the guardrails of our behavior.
The stated, plausible-sounding, "logical" reason is actually plausible and logical. That's why it's difficult to doubt another person, especially when they seem to be in earnest. They might actually believe themselves.
There are so many logical-sounding arguments for a given topic, many of which will contradict each other.
Why then, have you selected the ones you've selected? Of the dozens, you express *this* one?
The way to strip away the logical reason is to find contradictions and other use cases where they would not apply this logical-sounding reason, or where they simply will not apply it anywhere else in their life.
People drop their pet theory when it gets dismantled, and they then jump to the next one. It was never about the argument, it's about the narrative their arguments are defending.
Without getting too political, there's a reason why the argument of "a big corporation has the right to do what they want" jumped from one political ideology to another, all in the span of ten years. Jumped from X-ian bakery to Big Tech to Pride month. The reason is that this talking point defended a practice, and we deploy the point if we like the practice.
Kevin Samuels attacked the logical-sounding reasons of his call-ins, but he also projected the 'soul-bound' reasons onto them, right or wrong. In fact, the whole manosphere projects women's "nature" onto them anytime a woman reports a loss in her dating life. Who knows if their explanations are truly valid? But I do know that they are usually uninformed guesses.
In practice, I'm realizing that I might have been able to bullshit myself for a long time about why I avoid certain behaviors.
For example, I speak quietly to people, one-to-one, even in groups. I'm not always heard in a conversation.
I have been telling myself that it's because 1) I don't want to impose on other people, when it's really that 2) I don't want to be judged or overheard by external people who would judge.
Or, if I'm not as outgoing or conversationally dominant, it's because 1) I don't want to scare people who are smaller than me (women, children, smaller men), when it's probably really 2) I don't want to challenge people and risk being attacked, physically or otherwise.
Before having these thoughts, an easy way to "bust" my false perceptions about myself has been to ask the following questions:
If I think I am XYZ:
1) Do I have the life and results of somebody who is XYZ?
If I think I want XYZ:
2) Do I behave like someone who wants XYZ?
If I say that I want to become a boxer, can I truly say that I've spent my week in the way that a top boxer would?
RE: "I'm a peacock, you gotta let me fly" - Maverick Journal 2023 - Ampersnd - 06-18-2023
Day 108,
I feel paralyzed for choice.
I know what I want in theory. But I don't really give a shit about pursuing it.
- But do I want a larger house or apartment so that I have a bigger box for which I can hide from the world?
- Why do I want to learn all these languages, anyways? Who am I speaking them with? I'm not really speaking with anyone with the four I've learned so far.
- Why do I want this tech/AI job? To start a business where I solve problems for other businesses I don't really give a shit about beyond the retainers?
- Am I pursuing wealth just to not be poor?
- Would I start a family just to escape the torment about letting my dreams slip through my fingers?
- Do I want clout and status so that it can stand in for the charisma I should have?
Was at the beach again and got a couple of little choosing signals from decently attractive women, but I didn't want to pursue it.
It's like I'm unconsciously projecting far into the future to demoralize myself; the risk wouldn't be worth the 'reward', and I don't even want the reward that much.
What do I want? By @Duke.Togo 's standards, this is all going to the trajectory of Maverick. All except the success quotient being off the charts.
RE: "I'm a peacock, you gotta let me fly" - Maverick Journal 2023 - 4Kingdoms - 06-19-2023
(06-18-2023, 07:42 PM)Ampersnd Wrote: Day 108,
I feel paralyzed for choice.
I know what I want in theory. But I don't really give a shit about pursuing it.
Day 50 on Maverick for me
Exactly how I feel, I know what I want.
Remodel my current home in a non-gated neighborhood
or mortgage a new home in a gated neighborhood?
Either or will be fine.
RE: "I'm a peacock, you gotta let me fly" - Maverick Journal 2023 - Ampersnd - 06-19-2023
If you've been packed full of shit for 30 years, how long does it take to clear that out?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t0aNyHsAWVw
RE: "I'm a peacock, you gotta let me fly" - Maverick Journal 2023 - Ampersnd - 06-27-2023
Day 117,
I just plain care too much what people think of me.
It's usually not perceptible, but it works behind the scenes and involves inconveniences just small enough to fly behind the radar.
I saw an ex at the gym; I didn't really care in the moment (pretended that she was not there), but I was bracing myself for a future text message about it (which hasn't happened).
I wanted to approach a woman here or there at this gym, but in one case I worried that she'd be too young (which has happened at that gym before, honest mistake), and I don't want that to happen again. In another case, she was in eyesight of my exe.
Little things. Little compromises.
The fact that I have such a strong desire to improve the state and quality of my life, while at the same time succumbing to a bunch of dumb self-inflicted mental tricks, and losing time, energy, and good decisions, is nearing unbearable.
RE: "I'm a peacock, you gotta let me fly" - Maverick Journal 2023 - NOMAD - 06-27-2023
(06-27-2023, 03:15 PM)Ampersnd Wrote: Little things. Little compromises.
The fact that I have such a strong desire to improve the state and quality of my life, while at the same time succumbing to a bunch of dumb self-inflicted mental tricks, and losing time, energy, and good decisions, is nearing unbearable.
Well said. I noted similar feelings in my offline journal as "dissolving lots of mini cages" instead of breaking free of one big cage like I originally envisioned.
And yes, there are lots of them hiding in the weeds sucking up lots of valuable energy.
And about 2 weeks ago, I acknowledged to myself that I also care too much about what people think (mainly in a career environment). That acknowledgment alone is helping me to separate from it..."it" being the care.
RE: "I'm a peacock, you gotta let me fly" - Maverick Journal 2023 - Ampersnd - 06-30-2023
Day 120,
When I visit my parents, I tend to fall into the 'son' frame and not deal strongly with other people, and let my parents do most of the talking. Basically, my high school self.
This time around, I had already booked myself into an unconventional event before driving down. They accepted that with no questions.
We just came back from a restaurant. I did what I could to be more talkative in general. At the same time, our waitress (also the bartender) was very cute.
As we were getting up to go, I stalled and had them wait in the car. I walked up to her at the bar and did very brief chitchat and said: "I don't mean to put you on the spot, but I wanted to ask you for your number." She agreed, then counter-offered her Instagram; I didn't want to push due to the format potentially putting her in an uncomfortable situation.
Some thoughts I had in the leadup which got my head on the right way:
- If you ever feel stifled inside a room, or feel social pressure, recall that you are probably inside a geographical box (i.e., a room, a restaurant, a bar).
- If things ever get too intense, you can always leave the box.
- If anyone tries to make you feel repercussions for good faith actions - such as asking a waitress for her number in a polite way, with many conversational outs - then *they* are in the wrong.
- Personally, accept the likely consequences of your actions; accept that each individual in the room might witness your movements; what's the likely worst that each individual will do? It's not going to be that bad.
- - They'll be upset?
- - Their fantasies about the woman you're pursuing is crushed?
- - They try to butt in and puff themselves up? Anything more than that and they get closer and closer to breaking the law.
How strongly - in a passive sense - are you willing to withstand criticism over what you want? Can you "weather the storm", so to speak? If you can handle some turbulence for a small step, you can handle taking a small step in the direction of your goals.
We'll see if she follows me back.
Note: For those who wonder whether they'll run out of 'boxes' to escape if they get themselves into trouble; first off, that's practically impossible, just find a new box; second, people would forget the embarrassing incident with enough time - i.e., things would reset; third, you would at least know that you gave it everything you had. Why not just die at that point? (I say this tongue in cheek).
RE: "I'm a peacock, you gotta let me fly" - Maverick Journal 2023 - Ampersnd - 07-01-2023
Day 121,
Was out to a bar-restaurant (a Boston Pizza) with a guy I meet with while I'm in town. Was making some basic eye contact with a cute blonde. She was with her friend, who was also cute.
I made the decision to walk up to the two; my friend was supportive of this fact. Had some basic conversation and asked for her number; she agreed.
The other friend was a bit more eager to contribute to the conversation; it's too bad that I asked the original one for her number.
I texted her a bit later; haven't heard back. There are some areas where I need to improve my conversation skills with new people, especially in keeping it lively, light, and fun. I need to understand what I'm not seeing about myself that has people not interested in continuing a conversation.
RE: "I'm a peacock, you gotta let me fly" - Maverick Journal 2023 - Ampersnd - 07-04-2023
Day 124,
I'm becoming very annoyed by bad communication and poor form.
I'm seeing this at work; there's a colleague in a project of mine who frequently reaches out for a "quick connect".
Almost everything he does is annoying to me. First, I dislike when colleagues direct message you with a solitary "hi"; I know you want something and you're dragging it out. Second, the "quick connect" used to not be elaborated, until I coached him into telling me the reason for the call before I would agree to it. Third, it was never 'quick'; it would often be 30-45 minute discussions. I need to coach him to set appointments for conversations, and to respect the time allotted; otherwise, do a better job at predicting the time required for the scope of our meeting. This is someone who has apparently contracted in tech for 10+ years.
He sets a meeting with no clear agenda; it's a planned 30 minute discussion that goes above 60 minutes. (I have no other pressing matters, so there's no use of me pulling away to some other work.)
Then, the actual contents of the discussion are droning and difficult to follow. Apologies to my Indian friends, but some of the linguistic adaptations y'all use to speak English are highly formalized and very clinical; often, any emotive quality is stripped away, and ideas are presented in a clunky, awkward order. As a result, I have to dedicate so much attention to deciphering what's being communicated.
The worst is when they (people in general) talk for two minutes, then won't let you even start your response to add blathering clarifications which aren't actually clarifications, but manifestations of their insecurities refusing to stake a firm position.
Another stream of ideas.
I think that the talking point about "people will forget you in two seconds, so take an action outside of your comfort zone" directly contradicts your ability to be memorable. So the real question becomes: "Why do you not want to be remembered by others?" From there, you find emotional obstacles to work on.
I've both heard that point, and have repeated it, myself. Don't you want to be remembered? I believe that shame is an obstacle to having your past words and actions reflected back to you, so you prevent this by being the most watered-down and milquetoast version of yourself.
I think that this conflict goes through my head when I'm beginning a conversation with a woman; I want to make an impression on her, but not make an impression on anybody within earshot. Of course my message will come out muddled.
There was a 14-year old (looking) kid at my hometown gym who was wearing a T-shirt which reads "I *heart* hot moms". I'm going to remember that for a long while.
RE: "I'm a peacock, you gotta let me fly" - Maverick Journal 2023 - Ampersnd - 07-07-2023
Day 127,
I listened to two very useful 'podcast' type videos today that are paradigm-changing. To me, paradigm-changing encounters and events are rare, and I've had two of them today:
"Tinder Myths Debunked: Online Dating Revisited" by Prof. Sam Vaknin
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RhRS3Ziv8xg
This video has two dozen references about the uses of dating apps, and varying success rates between men and women.
In short:
* Tinder and online dating sites aren't used as hookup sites. More relationships form from the rare encounters which occur on Tinder than do hookups.
* More than half of Tinder's users have not had a single hookup or sexual encounter from using Tinder. A large proportion haven't even met off the site.
* Men have a 0.6% success rate on Tinder. A small portion of swipes lead to matches. A small proportion of matches lead to messages. Smaller even for dates. About a third of dates lead to a hookup, and many hookups lead to relationships
* Both men and women derive entertainment from swiping more than they use it for intentional dating or even hooking up.
* Straight men get more matches from other men than they do women.
* There's a tendency in using dating apps towards narcissism and psychopathy.
* Manosphere types confound narcissist and psychopath types with 'alpha males', when anthropologists have found AM's to be the facilitator, the broker, the 'healer-in-chief'.
* Women tend to seek out men of lower status - the "betas" - for both short-term and long-term relationships.
* You have a higher proportion of success in hooking up by meeting someone at a library or a grocery store. (i.e., go touch grass, losers). Much higher if you go to a bar or a club.
I would attribute about 10 of my relationships to online dating, so I'm in a rare minority who've had some form of success from a tool that's built to fail. Obviously, I expect women to 'succeed' more than men, but they aren't capitalizing on it to hookup or enter relationships.
This reframes a lot of my experiences on dating apps, where I thought that I was repelling women or scaring them away in some sense. So much ghosting and non-responses from women.
Second, is this interview from an entrepreneur/influencer named 'Brute de Force':
Man2Man: Brute De Force & The Art of Going All-In
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TWCVh2h0w-0
The guy is balls-to-the-wall, but he's motivational in his odd sense.
Telling us to throw ourselves into the path we know we must follow.
How asking for advice is secretly hoping to be taken off course.
How even positive habits like the gym can be a disguise and a convenient time-waster from your purpose.
How we live in eternal preparation for an event that could never happen as a result of your own efforts.
Makes me realize just how much unconscious incongruity the average person lives under.
In my Maverick journey, it feels like certain chains have been lifted, but I am not pulled terribly hard in any direction. Much more distracted and distractible, but I know at least the next couple of steps to take, so I will take them.
RE: "I'm a peacock, you gotta let me fly" - Maverick Journal 2023 - Ampersnd - 07-08-2023
Day 128,
My speech patterns are different, and people are responding as such.
I'm binging on the 'Brute de Force' content; he's talking about a relentless drive towards getting wins in real life situations.
I want that, but don't strictly know how without doing a bunch of random things that deviate from my existing goals.
Something that he's said is that men pursue goals that they don't really want, so that they are not disappointed if it falls through.
They will do anything but go "all in" towards the things they actually want, because it will hurt if they fail.
I will need to take inventory of the goals I actually want to achieve, and not their proxies - the consolation prizes.