(08-11-2019, 03:28 PM)ncbeareatingman Wrote: Nanny in there Have at Ye, remember you are loved,enough and that this too shall pass!! It's easy to say such things but when ur in the throws of it...it's more than a humdinger!! Hold on ur doing courageous work,brave heart!!

(08-17-2019, 04:14 PM)Have at ye Wrote: So I've been doing 5 loops/day recently. I think I'll do 8 loops tomorrow and then take a break.

What I'm trying to do currently:

Apparently, I've been dysthymic since about early adolescence, if not earlier than that. Then, in response to a particular stimulus, I've started becoming majorly depressive at about, 20-21? Apparently, I simply detached and disengaged from the feelings this brought about as a means of self-preservation (I actually remember the moment I did that, lol. I did not really know what I was doing at the time, I simply "turned feeling off", so to speak), but this kept returning in one form or another every now and again, culminating in a major depressive episode several years ago, when I was 25-26? Something like that (I actually started looking into subliminals, energy-work and such in response to this; it's when I happened upon IML, incidentally. Search, and ye shall find, oh yeah).

The thing about being dysthymic is that you don't even know you are actually constantly depressed until... you're not (or at least I noticed that something's been really, really wrong for a really, really long time upon feeling, urm, *something* ). You just kinda accept that life is supposed to be kinda shitty and absurd and then roll with it. It's actually been the main point of my internal contention in response to subliminal programming and other stuff (pretty much the source of most resistance to these here subliminal beauts, I think - I'm actually executing them pretty well, as far as I can tell, even demanding stuff like DMSI, but it sometimes feels like an uphill struggle due to that internalized depression acting up; over the years I've learned how to override it through pretty much stubborn will, but it's never been all that easy, nor is it, at times, erm, pretty).

So I've been focusing on resolving that once and for all - healing this, as it were. And I think I'm close - f. in. I've been noticing lately that my libido has been on a tremendous upswing, and I'm actually starting to feel as if I were 20 again in that regard, hahaha. Like, I'm not kidding, I feel horny all the time, even when I'm sad, lol. This is in no small part owed to the healing and FRM aspects of UMS, I believe, as my horniness tend to increase when I'm listening to my loops.

It might seem at first glance that it does not really have all that much to do with UMS (because, as I mentioned previously in the journal, "you may as well cry in an A-class Mercedes instead of at a bus stop", lol), but it actually does as it stands in the way of pretty much... everything.

I've been having some wonky dreams in response to the increased number of loops. F. in. yesternight I had a semi-lucid dream in which I was doing stuff that kinda looked like the visualizations I do when I consciously attempt certain energy operations, which is interesting.

Out of direct UMSing, I'm actually visiting my parents for a couple of days right now, and I collected my plentiful birthday potatoes (5000 of them!) which is most welcome, obviously. I'm going to use part of the potato proceeds to acquire some new, spiffy clothing, as most of my stuff is kinda worn down and/or too big, as I've lost weight and am continuing to get into pretty frickin' good shape, as it were. I'm actually gearing up to get those translation I've been whining about off of my plate, and I set a pretty strict deadline for myself (and I actually informed the client of the deadline I set, to force my ass to get into gear), but I should have them done by the end of the month thanks to this. Come September, I have rehearsal and I need to be very well prepared (because *morons*) and I won't have the time to do any other jerbs while I'm at it.