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+--- Thread: Findingme's UMS journal (/Thread-Findingme-s-UMS-journal)
RE: Findingme's UMS journal - findingme - 11-02-2019
E3 is doing something in me. It's showing in me.
To explain what happened tonight, I'm going back to Wednesday when I went to Orlando for the wealthy minds dinner I was invited to. The group consisted of way more budding entrepreneurs, and I was only uncomfortable when thinking of women. Not sure why I'm telling that, but there it is. I didn't trust myself to talk to them, and I felt I viewed almost every one with sex intent.
But one product was pitched which I could easily use were I selling, and since I sat up front during this pitch, I was asked to volunteer my results. From the description of personality types, I knew I was a nurturer. Nurturer's make connections with people, value relationships and authenticity, and always value people over money. But I struggled internally at first to accept it. I realized on my present job I've steadily dissociated from this since relationships are of low priority in the making money quest they have, despite the words telling us otherwise. I used to rely on these characteristics heavily in teaching and customer service jobs I held, which was why I thrived in these settings.
But I've been distancing myself--from myself--for the last 4 years. People only pick up trash for one reason; it brings in a lot of money. My company focuses heavily on this, though it's rarely stated directly to their employees.
And I did my laundry tonight at my normal laundromat since I wanted to just rest tomorrow. I saw maybe 5 people total the whole time, which is rare. One homeless guy had his stuff in a trashbag, and sat a few feet away from me. I wasn't scared, and I detected that he was. I didn't speak to him but once, I read, and he left finally. Another homeless man came in, slightly older, and I was thinking of the nurturing part of me. I opened up the conversation, and dang, realized this guy must not have had people listen to him in quite a while. It's strange, for I could barely hear him once he began talking, so I just watched his face and emotions and responded likewise. A part of me wanted to care, so I remained open during this time. I still felt open after watching that prison documentary this morning, and I knew this guy had feelings too, so I just listened. It seems he began finding anything to talk about, yet I did realize he was hanging on to a lot of old betrayals himself. He was spitting out stuff from the early 2000's and before, and he often would find accusation of some leader or public official. He seemed to validate his lifestyle. After 20 minutes of this, I finally parted, and I feel sad now. Not because of him though, although he was a catalyst for me. My heart is doing a true thawing today. I'm connecting with a part of me that cares.
And E3 is definitely working in this. I feel it. I'm finding out who I really am again.
RE: Findingme's UMS journal - Z-Man - 11-02-2019
(10-20-2019, 11:45 PM)Zane Wrote: I havnt given UMS-5.5G a shot but I already have bought one in advance.
Right now I am listening to ARA-5.75G after being on USLM3 for about 11 months.
For me getting money is get free from chains of society and not depend on anyone else to pay my bill and needs.
My Desire for earning and investing money much much greater than anything else right and I am so Damn sure that I will get there that I can bet my life on it..
Learn and face your fears.. Believe in yourself.. That's all you need.. Along with subliminals ofc.
Hi Zane,
How is ARA-5.75G working for you?
RE: Findingme's UMS journal - findingme - 11-03-2019
(11-02-2019, 06:15 PM)findingme Wrote: I was only uncomfortable when thinking of women. Not sure why I'm telling that, but there it is. I didn't trust myself to talk to them, and I felt I viewed almost every one with sex intent.
I've been hung up on this truth, and I've tried to understand my why in this. I've begun DMSI twice and jumped off twice. Something does scare me and I resist. Why?
Coming into this out-of-work setting was a chance to come out of my boxed in reality of "wake up, go to work, repeat" cycle. I was in another town too, so I felt freer to be me. I had time and freedom to be myself, and at my core, I like to help people.
And that's where my internal conflict is with women. For one, I keep trying to recreate old parent and child relationships since that role worked between me and my mom. I viewed myself as a perpetual savior for her, which wore on me in time. And acting like an unconfident child around women has been an increasingly uncomfortable role to slide in to. My only other frame of relating to women is to be sexually attractive to them. Those two realities completely conflict with each other, though the latter was being used by me at this dinner. The root of my conflict was that I was viewing them as someone I'd use for my pleasure, and this violates my standard of wishing to help people. I was in conflict with myself, so i barely looked at most of the women in their eyes all night.
I've tried to use black and white approaches with women. This not only puts me in a box, but them too. Sitting here thinking on this, my fear of being vulnerable has gotten in my way again and again. I've been afraid to be "me", which is a conflict as well with who i am. I'll share pretty easily with men, yet will put on a fear-based facade in an instant around women I find attractive. That stress is a bitch.
I don't have plans to return to DMSI anytime soon, but I picked it up a year or so back to deal with the "mommy" issues. This E3 in UMS is changing and challenging beliefs I thought not associated with money. Hmmm.
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I took a 10 minute coffee break just now since I'd woke up and began writing. E3 is working on stuff I've never deeply touched with subliminals. Fear is the main reason I focus on emotional issues, as fear's a liar and knows no differently. It takes good things, twists them around, and colors them so I avoid them, and I have. Sex is not my biggest issue. Fear in and of relationships has been the main issue. I'm grateful E3 is so comprehensive, for even in money issues, it's huge. I connected relationships with money goals on Z-man's UMS thread since I've always associated money with relationships. Money can be security for a woman, and having money or not can help or hinder the relationship. But, for me, if I avoid any or all relationships, that negates motivation to move forward financially.
In summary, I'm liking the work UMS is doing on my personal and relational understandings. If I just focused on money alone, I'd feel empty inside without some purpose for it. But I know my goals are intertwined with relationships.
RE: Findingme's UMS journal - Ale - 11-03-2019
(11-03-2019, 08:36 AM)findingme Wrote:(11-02-2019, 06:15 PM)findingme Wrote: I was only uncomfortable when thinking of women. Not sure why I'm telling that, but there it is. I didn't trust myself to talk to them, and I felt I viewed almost every one with sex intent.
I've been hung up on this truth, and I've tried to understand my why in this. I've begun DMSI twice and jumped off twice. Something does scare me and I resist. Why?
Coming into this out-of-work setting was a chance to come out of my boxed in reality of "wake up, go to work, repeat" cycle. I was in another town too, so I felt freer to be me. I had time and freedom to be myself, and at my core, I like to help people.
And that's where my internal conflict is with women. For one, I keep trying to recreate old parent and child relationships since that role worked between me and my mom. I viewed myself as a perpetual savior for her, which wore on me in time. And acting like an unconfident child around women has been an increasingly uncomfortable role to slide in to. My only other frame of relating to women is to be sexually attractive to them. Those two realities completely conflict with each other, though the latter was being used by me at this dinner. The root of my conflict was that I was viewing them as someone I'd use for my pleasure, and this violates my standard of wishing to help people. I was in conflict with myself, so i barely looked at most of the women in their eyes all night.
I've tried to use black and white approaches with women. This not only puts me in a box, but them too. Sitting here thinking on this, my fear of being vulnerable has gotten in my way again and again. I've been afraid to be "me", which is a conflict as well with who i am. I'll share pretty easily with men, yet will put on a fear-based facade in an instant around women I find attractive. That stress is a bitch.
I don't have plans to return to DMSI anytime soon, but I picked it up a year or so back to deal with the "mommy" issues. This E3 in UMS is changing and challenging beliefs I thought not associated with money. Hmmm.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I took a 10 minute coffee break just now since I'd woke up and began writing. E3 is working on stuff I've never deeply touched with subliminals. Fear is the main reason I focus on emotional issues, as fear's a liar and knows no differently. It takes good things, twists them around, and colors them so I avoid them, and I have. Sex is not my biggest issue. Fear in and of relationships has been the main issue. I'm grateful E3 is so comprehensive, for even in money issues, it's huge. I connected relationships with money goals on Z-man's UMS thread since I've always associated money with relationships. Money can be security for a woman, and having money or not can help or hinder the relationship. But, for me, if I avoid any or all relationships, that negates motivation to move forward financially.
In summary, I'm liking the work UMS is doing on my personal and relational understandings. If I just focused on money alone, I'd feel empty inside without some purpose for it. But I know my goals are intertwined with relationships.
Wow, I can really relate to almost everything you just wrote. And I guess from my last posts in my own UMS thread, I'm having a similar effect with the sub, surfacing all my fears and emotions around women, but specifically focused on one.
I'm not sure why but I feel that once I can overcome and heal this stuff, everything will just flow and goals will start to come my way. Hope it's the same for you
RE: Findingme's UMS journal - findingme - 11-03-2019
(11-03-2019, 08:49 AM)Ale Wrote: Wow, I can really relate to almost everything you just wrote. And I guess from my last posts in my own UMS thread, I'm having a similar effect with the sub, surfacing all my fears and emotions around women, but specifically focused on one.
I'm not sure why but I feel that once I can overcome and heal this stuff, everything will just flow and goals will start to come my way. Hope it's the same for you
All my life I have valued relationships over financial goals. And actually, I dismissed financial goals most of my life. I always found value in building and nurturing relationships over anything else. It allowed me to be myself.
And yes, the money mindset will implement soon enough, yet I'm seeing UMS is rebuilding a foundation I had not thought important. When enough junk is cleared out, I know I'll dive into the money mindset and focus very easily. Yet that mindset is not disconnected though in any regards presently. I've been focusing on it for a few years now. Consistency is the key I've found. Me reading about financial stuff, watching movies occasionally, playing money games, reading money-related emails; all of this is helping me answer my "why?" I'm doing it, and it's led to dreaming about bigger possibilities. Without this foundation, I'd never have begun dreaming in the first place. Doing something--anything really--on a daily basis sets my mental focus. What I think on actually grows in me.
I'm finding that UMS is allowing me to change my perspective on what is really important to me, and that is the real gift.
RE: Findingme's UMS journal - Paul1131 - 11-03-2019
(11-03-2019, 08:49 AM)Ale Wrote:(11-03-2019, 08:36 AM)findingme Wrote:(11-02-2019, 06:15 PM)findingme Wrote: I was only uncomfortable when thinking of women. Not sure why I'm telling that, but there it is. I didn't trust myself to talk to them, and I felt I viewed almost every one with sex intent.
I've been hung up on this truth, and I've tried to understand my why in this. I've begun DMSI twice and jumped off twice. Something does scare me and I resist. Why?
Coming into this out-of-work setting was a chance to come out of my boxed in reality of "wake up, go to work, repeat" cycle. I was in another town too, so I felt freer to be me. I had time and freedom to be myself, and at my core, I like to help people.
And that's where my internal conflict is with women. For one, I keep trying to recreate old parent and child relationships since that role worked between me and my mom. I viewed myself as a perpetual savior for her, which wore on me in time. And acting like an unconfident child around women has been an increasingly uncomfortable role to slide in to. My only other frame of relating to women is to be sexually attractive to them. Those two realities completely conflict with each other, though the latter was being used by me at this dinner. The root of my conflict was that I was viewing them as someone I'd use for my pleasure, and this violates my standard of wishing to help people. I was in conflict with myself, so i barely looked at most of the women in their eyes all night.
I've tried to use black and white approaches with women. This not only puts me in a box, but them too. Sitting here thinking on this, my fear of being vulnerable has gotten in my way again and again. I've been afraid to be "me", which is a conflict as well with who i am. I'll share pretty easily with men, yet will put on a fear-based facade in an instant around women I find attractive. That stress is a bitch.
I don't have plans to return to DMSI anytime soon, but I picked it up a year or so back to deal with the "mommy" issues. This E3 in UMS is changing and challenging beliefs I thought not associated with money. Hmmm.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I took a 10 minute coffee break just now since I'd woke up and began writing. E3 is working on stuff I've never deeply touched with subliminals. Fear is the main reason I focus on emotional issues, as fear's a liar and knows no differently. It takes good things, twists them around, and colors them so I avoid them, and I have. Sex is not my biggest issue. Fear in and of relationships has been the main issue. I'm grateful E3 is so comprehensive, for even in money issues, it's huge. I connected relationships with money goals on Z-man's UMS thread since I've always associated money with relationships. Money can be security for a woman, and having money or not can help or hinder the relationship. But, for me, if I avoid any or all relationships, that negates motivation to move forward financially.
In summary, I'm liking the work UMS is doing on my personal and relational understandings. If I just focused on money alone, I'd feel empty inside without some purpose for it. But I know my goals are intertwined with relationships.
Wow, I can really relate to almost everything you just wrote. And I guess from my last posts in my own UMS thread, I'm having a similar effect with the sub, surfacing all my fears and emotions around women, but specifically focused on one.
I'm not sure why but I feel that once I can overcome and heal this stuff, everything will just flow and goals will start to come my way. Hope it's the same for you
I get the same feeling. As intense as the deep dive I’m taking into the reasons for my faulty thinking and feeling is, I also get the feeling that I’m almost done. And that once I am done, everything can flow.
RE: Findingme's UMS journal - findingme - 11-03-2019
Sorry Ale. I had posted on your thread when I spoke of relationships and money goals. I thought it was Z-man. Oops.
RE: Findingme's UMS journal - findingme - 11-04-2019
Something broke through last night. I discovered something very big.
Close to 2 months back, a lottery scratch-off ticket was left right on my desk at work. I left it there a few days in case the owner wanted to retrieve it, but it stayed there. So, I eyed it kind of quickly, felt it may have value, but I also was frustrated since it looked like it was complicated. I took it home, and that resistance to check it out has remained. I realize I've had this built-in belief that I would, and even should, fail if I ever played the lotto. So, it sat on my bathroom counter for these last 2 months, untouched.
Something changed last night. I realized yesterday afternoon that I'd run UMS for 8 days straight, as I just wanted to and it felt good. But the fact that I was tired all weekend--and not resting--was my cue. i was on loop 4, but i just shut it off. Day one of rest started today.
But......I also picked up that scratch-off ticket. That mental roadblock of mine didn't seem to be so strong, as i understood the card quickly.
This is a crossword scratch-off, and if you get 10 words, you win $500,000. Ten words are showing, and I wasn't the person who scratched them off. So basically, I won $500,000. My feelings of believing I should fail are still alive, right in the middle of this. But I called the FL lottery minutes ago to see if anyone would answer. I learned they're open from 830-500, and it's 7 now. Finished work at 630. I went online last night, and only 4 of 8 possible $500,000 winning cards have been turned in.
Limiting beliefs. Wow. I don't even buy lotto tickets!
I became aware of other limiting beliefs today too, and one stuck in my mind and heart. Me and my coworker were talking about women and kids, and a thought stuck with me since I'm acting it out. I've believed "I'm not worthy of a woman's love". I've dated only when pushed (meaning almost never), and I've only had sex with 2 women, the 2nd my wife. Let it be known this was not chastity or morals. I used that as a cover, when the truth is I just didn't feel worthy of a woman's love. And I married someone living by the same standard with men.
So, with the money, I am going one step at a time, but I'm going. I've just been believing "good things don't happen to me". Guess I'm in some form of pity party right now. I'm feeling sad for some reason. It would feel real awkward celebrating this, especially when my mind keeps looking for reasons why it won't, or shouldn't, work for me.
And I'd do loops, but I'm trying to rest my brain. I'll take imput though.
RE: Findingme's UMS journal - KingDavid93 - 11-04-2019
Wait so did you get the ten words and win $500,000 or did you not- I’m a bit confused. ...
RE: Findingme's UMS journal - findingme - 11-04-2019
By what I see, I won it. I'll have to go to one of their main offices to collect a check.
Thinking on your reaction, my own doubts and self doubts came through heavily, which is what I intended to communicate. It's how I've felt. It's like part of me is trying loudly to say "can't you see he's not worthy of this?"
Which is why I'm using UMS; to tear these money blocks down.
RE: Findingme's UMS journal - KingDavid93 - 11-04-2019
I see well when then let me be the first to say congratulations
Try not to spend it all in one place. ??
RE: Findingme's UMS journal - Ale - 11-04-2019
Wait, what? you maybe won half a million? damn man, that's one for the history books!!
RE: Findingme's UMS journal - Paul1131 - 11-04-2019
Holy :$
?!!!! That’s AWESOME MAN!!!!! Congratulations!!
RE: Findingme's UMS journal - findingme - 11-04-2019
I just corrected my wording you referred to, so thank you for making me aware.