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+--- Thread: Greenduck's LTU5 journal (/Thread-Greenduck-s-LTU5-journal)
RE: Greenduck's LTU5 journal - Shannon - 04-29-2019
Seeking control as a result of fear isn't necessarily good. But there are other valid reasons for seeking control of and influence on a situation or oneself.
RE: Greenduck's LTU5 journal - Greenduck - 04-29-2019
(04-29-2019, 10:26 AM)EvolvingPhoenix Wrote: It's very common we mention being in control here on this forum. I do it. Others do it. It's a common thing to mention. But sometimes I think about this video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zY6Q-OnMTEE and question whether it's good to even try to be in control. On one hand, we really do have the ability to create the reality we want. On the other hand, seeking control seems to be a fear based thing. So I'm kind of confused as to how I should look at control.
Either way, awareness is a very good thing to strive for. I struggle with it. I go for meditation walks and struggle to be truly present the whole time. I'm glad to see you're getting there yourself though
I try to let go of most things outside myself. I know I can't control others, so the only thing I can do is work on myself and being content and independent in my own happiness regardless of what other people do.
(04-29-2019, 10:51 AM)Shannon Wrote: Seeking control as a result of fear isn't necessarily good. But there are other valid reasons for seeking control of and influence on a situation or oneself.
I think what I am trying to express is limited by semantics. What I mean with control, is being centered, having a clear gravity of my own consciousness and not being drawn left and right because of what other people are doing. To feel that I have a direction I am working in and feeling that I can be somewhat "on top" in the direction I'm taking my life and moving forward. It's not really because I want to get out of fear, but because the peace of mind that being centered give.
RE: Greenduck's LTU5 journal - Greenduck - 05-08-2019
Things are moving forward.. I have a much easier time working, keeping focus, and moving forward in doing stuff, taking initiative, etc. My head is clearer, my memory is better. I'm more stable.
Yesterday while driving I felt a surge of positivity and happiness inside, I found a parking spot and walked to my friend and god I felt AWESOME. Really like no stress, just being happy. Can't remember I felt like that..ever. I enjoy music more and more. I feel more and more embodied. There is still some anxiety trapped inside my body but it's slowly being worked on during the nights listening to LTU and in my meditation and TRE exercises. I'm now positive that I will overcome this fully just given enough time.
I have gotten a deeper relationship with a girl-friend that I have been chatting with some before and hanging out with but we are becoming better and better friends and I really connected with her this weekend. Telling about how I have felt during the latest year and she was so comforting and helped me to relax, and told me she enjoy my company because she don't have to pretend to be anyone but can just be herself (which was really a compliment and I felt happy for being that person).
So, things are growing better. And I have just listened a bit more than one month..
EDIT:
I read some posts around the forum and I realized somewhat what I am experiencing right now. It feels like I am breaking new ground and I have been thinking what this really means and who it is who is really breaking that new ground, because I don't really recognize who I am. I don't know who I am. Really. I have been terrified of that though before but now I can accept it. Probably because I acknowledge it on the basis that I am embarked on a journey to get to know who I am. I have been lost, but now I somewhat can see the light. And that light is my own desires, what I want with my life. I am just about to be able to figure that out, from before just living in a zombie-state going on with my life, not being able to stop and feel what I really want deep down. LTU5 is making this possible, and even though I am still lost, I know that I will find an answer within which is stable and will guide me towards fulfilling my own purpose. That is fundamental. I have gone around so long thinking that I had no purpose, that I was just passing through.
RE: Greenduck's LTU5 journal - Greenduck - 05-09-2019
Holy sh*t. I'm sitting and working with some new stuff that I really don't know anything about. Just a month ago this would cause serious anxiety and fear, but now I sure have some anxiety but I am OK in the state of not really knowing but going on it in small chunks. I will figure it out.
This is awesome.
RE: Greenduck's LTU5 journal - Greenduck - 05-11-2019
My family (mom and dad and I) have run into a but a financial problem, if we can solve it it will result in a difference in $7500 per year. Which is pretty much for us. I have an idea of how to solve it and will try to pursue that direction. This is definitely a change. Beforehand I would almost just shut down in the face of this kind of problems.
I also realized that a female friend I have, wasn't really a friend, but a "friend". She is an energy-vampire. Really trying to undermine those who she can undermine, and me being in the state I have been, I have been susceptible for this, but had some resistance to actually realizing this. As I am becoming more self-empowered (wow!) I realize that I don't need that shit in my life. I don't have a responsibility to stay friends with her. So I have decided that she can gracefully go f*ck herself. She's out.
RE: Greenduck's LTU5 journal - EvolvingPhoenix - 05-11-2019
Good for you that you're becoming empowered off of this sub. I feel bad for your "friend" I've been an energy vampire myself before. And I too have lost friends over it. But unlike her, I changed my ways. I understand not wanting to be friends with someone as long as they're an energy vampire. I hope she apologizes and changes her ways like I have.
RE: Greenduck's LTU5 journal - EvolvingPhoenix - 05-11-2019
Good for you that you're becoming empowered off of this sub. I feel bad for your "friend" I've been an energy vampire myself before. And I too have lost friends over it. But unlike her, I changed my ways. I understand not wanting to be friends with someone as long as they're an energy vampire. I hope she apologizes and changes her ways like I have.
RE: Greenduck's LTU5 journal - Greenduck - 05-11-2019
(05-11-2019, 09:45 AM)EvolvingPhoenix Wrote: Good for you that you're becoming empowered off of this sub. I feel bad for your "friend" I've been an energy vampire myself before. And I too have lost friends over it. But unlike her, I changed my ways. I understand not wanting to be friends with someone as long as they're an energy vampire. I hope she apologizes and changes her ways like I have.
I honk all people some time in their room life have been an energy vampire. As you say the difference is between those who stay there and those who pull their shit together. Look into win god breathing, that can help you repair your own energy systems along with subliminal so you stop being dependent on others energy.
And don’ feel bad for her. Deep down she knows what she is doing, you have a choice. Until she improve that side of herself she can f*ck off.
RE: Greenduck's LTU5 journal - EvolvingPhoenix - 05-11-2019
I guess I just feel bad for her because my exfriend friend dumped me for being an energy vampire and refuses to accept my apologies or forgive me and it hurts so bad. This feeling of being unforgivable and not getring any more chances... That's why I feel bad for her, cause I can relate. I AM her. I know my friend doesn't care that I've changed my ways. Probably doesn't believe it. So I guess it's this feeling that it doesn't matter whether you change your ways or not. And I feel bad about that.
RE: Greenduck's LTU5 journal - Greenduck - 05-11-2019
(05-11-2019, 10:13 AM)EvolvingPhoenix Wrote: I guess I just feel bad for her because my exfriend friend dumped me for being an energy vampire and refuses to accept my apologies or forgive me and it hurts so bad. This feeling of being unforgivable and not getring any more chances... That's why I feel bad for her, cause I can relate. I AM her. I know my friend doesn't care that I've changed my ways. Probably doesn't believe it. So I guess it's this feeling that it doesn't matter whether you change your ways or not. And I feel bad about that.
The fact that you need her to forgive you so badly tell me that you haven’t changed enough. Work on yourself and when you are finene without needing other people they will come automatically.
RE: Greenduck's LTU5 journal - EvolvingPhoenix - 05-11-2019
I dunno if I'll ever reach that point. I dunno if LTU5 will be enough to bring me to that point. Even if I use it for 2 years like I intend to once I can afford it, I don't see myself getting over that hurdle. It hurts to think I haven't changed enough. I feel I have. But I guess she disagrees too... God this hurts. I just wanna change all this somehow. But it feels like I'm stuck. Just... stuck.
Anyway, I get why you don't want to deal with abuse by your friend anymore. I hope you find the right social circle for you.
RE: Greenduck's LTU5 journal - Z-Man - 05-11-2019
Just let LTU5 do its work on you. You beating up on yourself is self abuse and you need to forgive yourself no matter how hard that seems. Your resistance will prevent the healing if you don't go with the flow. You are not your actions. Those were just events in your life, you can move past them.
Keep the faith and move forward you can do it.
RE: Greenduck's LTU5 journal - EvolvingPhoenix - 05-11-2019
(05-11-2019, 10:56 AM)Z-Man Wrote: Just let LTU5 do its work on you. You beating up on yourself is self abuse and you need to forgive yourself no matter how hard that seems. Your resistance will prevent the healing if you don't go with the flow. You are not your actions. Those were just events in your life, you can move past them.
Keep the faith and move forward you can do it.
Right now I'm using E2, cause I can't yet afford LTU5, but yeah, I suppose just letting the subs do their work is all I can do. It's hard to hear on one hand "You are not your actions" and on the other "You haven't changed enough" Forgiving myself is hard. If I am not my actions, why am I treated like my past actions are all that define me. Why am I not accepted for who I am? Because I'm not good enough as I am.
... You know what? That's the thinking that caused my problems in the first place.
I've got this bad programming that causes bad things to happen to me and bad outcomes and then in turn those bad outcomes lead to more bad programming. I've got to accept that I have the power to fix things. But I feel so stuck in this bad way of thinking. And I realize it's self-programming, yet I have a hard time reprogramming myself.
I guess a part of it is a sense that I don't have the power to change what I don't like about my life. Like my situation with my friend.
I've got to change my beliefs and believe I can change anything. But it feels like I have to already be past the friendship breakup in the first place. Like a catch-22. I want my friend to forgive me so I can forgive myself, but I need to forgive myself before I can "bend reality" with the "becoming" technique and get my friend to forgive me. It feels like I can't win. But that feeling is exactly what needs to change so that I CAN win. I hope E2 and later, LTU5 are able to help me fix that bad programming, because I'm having a rough time with it lately.
Anyway, this is Greenduck's journal so I'll stop derailing it. Thank you both for your honesty and your input.
RE: Greenduck's LTU5 journal - Shannon - 05-11-2019
Step 1: Let go of your "friend". Accept that it's over. Move on and live your life.