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RE: Join the LoveTrain (V3.2 Journal) - K-Train - 08-29-2018
It's late over here in the U.S. but I've got a lot on my mind. This is basically a more personal take on the question i posted here on Shannon's Journal.
So without going into a bunch of emotional shit:
*I'm feeling the pain of feeling like I let a friend down, a friend who tried to prevent me from potentially falling into a bad situation and getting hurt (see point #3)
*I'm feeling the pain of not having my own place
*I feel heartache because a chick that I've contemplated dating has a kid but I had to admit to her (and myself) that I simply don't have the necessary components mentally, emotionally, and financially to be the MAN I'd be required to be for the relationship at this point in time. Maybe in the future but not now.
What's worse...is I feel V3.2 (or maybe TID from V3.3's fear removal stuff, who knows) kicking in and the normal avenues of escape aren't working. I want to shut down mentally and emotionally...but I can't. I want to cry out...but I can't. I want to run away from all this....but I can't. I want to go to work tomorrow and sulk and keep to myself...but I can't. Every avenue of escape is blocked because these actions no longer feel like "me" anymore even though I may have used them sometime in the past.
I'm fearing out of routine not because I'm actually scared. I literally almost worked myself into a frenzy because I sometimes get nervous when health issues come up and the fact that I wasn't nervous or worried anymore made me nervous and worried.