+- Subliminal Talk (https://subliminal-talk.com)
+-- Forum: Men's Journals (18+ NSFW) (https://subliminal-talk.com/Forum-Men-s-Journals-18-NSFW)
+--- Forum: Men's Journals (https://subliminal-talk.com/Forum-Men-s-Journals)
+--- Thread: UMS. Let’s get at it (/Thread-UMS-Let%E2%80%99s-get-at-it)
RE: UMS. Let’s get at it - findingme - 11-09-2019
Thank you Paul. Your words give me courage.
RE: UMS. Let’s get at it - Paul1131 - 11-09-2019
(11-09-2019, 04:52 AM)findingme Wrote: Thank you Paul. Your words give me courage.
Thanks. I don’t quite know what to say to that.
I felt incredible on my way home this morning, like Im a hundred pounds lighter and I discovered something else. My fear was blocking me from feeling my passion. I was thinking about the profession I’ve been trying to get into, and I remembered something. In one of my brief stints actually being in that job, I found some information that lead to finding a thirteen year old runaway girl who was with a twenty seven year old “man” and was very likely about to have worse happen to her. I remembered how that felt, which was incredible. It felt better this time though, because there wasn’t so much crap in the way of me feeling it.
That is still what I want to do. Not to prove that I’m not a loser and a coward anymore, I already know that, but to do things like that. I am a warrior and I want back into the fight. Fear was keeping me out. No longer.
RE: UMS. Let’s get at it - Paul1131 - 11-09-2019
ME: I was expecting to wake up exhausted this morning, but I felt great. My mind has changed. I had a couple of those rage fantasies start up today, old habits die hard, but I told myself that I had just thought of something that made me feel powerless and I was trying to make myself feel powerful by beating up on imaginary people. They dissipated when I did that and didn’t come back. My head just feels clearer and lighter too. All those fantasies are now is a habit of thinking, it will be replaced. This feels good. I don’t know if the fear removal process is complete, but Something has been completed. I can now see how all of the fears that were getting in my way branched off of that one thing, and I can trace their path all the way down. It feels like an automatic process now.
I did take a look one level lower, and a bit back on the timeline from when I went to school and the divorce and the rest of it happened. I was expecting to find some horrible root fear, but what I found was happiness.
Before that, my childhood was pretty awesome. Both of my parents showed me love and so did everyone else in my life. I was happy for the first five years of my life. I think that’s what saved me from being a lot more of a mess than I am.
I got another kind of insight I am seeing that our passions, hopes, dreams, whatever you want to call them originate from this too, and work the same way as fear does. With all the nodes and tendrils. I am seeing the problem we’re having as that the fear is wrapping itself around them like strangling vines, and either stopping them from getting to the surface or warping and contaminating how they get there. Come to think of it, I think the fear actually steals energy from the passion.
For instance, those rage fantasies of mine. They are a kind of warping of my perfectly normal urge to feel powerful into something unhealthy. There are very healthy ways for that to manifest now that the way is clearer.
I have more work to do. I need to puzzle out exactly how my fears were getting in the way of me executing this program specifically, and I need to get my passions flowing back to the surface with real energy in a way that makes it happen. That doesn’t just happen because they have been so warped out of shape and blocked for so long.
RE: UMS. Let’s get at it - Paul1131 - 11-10-2019
ME: I still have the incredible sense of clearness in my mind. It’s not as noticeable now because it’s starting to feel like my normal. I had the feeling that I wasn’t done quite yet, and the next step just occurred to me. I’ve spent the last few weeks spelunking in my subconscious, and I’ve found the root of the fear that caused all of this dysfunctional behavior and thinking that’s kept me from having the life that I should be having right now. I proved to myself that it’s all based on BS. To be honest with you all, I kind of expected it all to just go away and functional habits and thinking to replace them as soon as I did what I just did. Not quite. The mental habits are still there even though they really don’t have the emotional force of that unknown fear behind them. I have been in graining the patterns in my mind for many years though, so they didn’t just disappear. It’s also a lot easier to spot them, they stick out like a sore thumb in my mind. I know exactly why I’m doing them as I do them, and I know what stacked set of self lies they’re based on.
All I have to do now is spot them, call myself out on them, and replace them with a thought pattern or behavior that I actually want to have.
I have to watch for:
- Those anger fantasy episodes. I’ve been doing a pretty good job on that. I just have to keep explaining it to myself when it happens.
- Shying away from doing things that would lead me away from success. I will also have to realize that any of the excuses I make for avoiding what I need to do are BS.
- Ignoring problems that might become bigger problems. Take care of them as soon as possible, and get the real info on it as soon as I have an inkeling that there is a problem.
- “Down” thought patterns such as dwelling on negative potential outcomes in the future.
There are probably more, but those are the major categories.
I don’t know what effect this all will have on the purely subconscious things that this program does such as manifestation, but I can only do what I can do.
This was a major turning point, and an upward spiral has begun.
RE: UMS. Let’s get at it - Paul1131 - 11-13-2019
ME: I started writing a post, but it went off track. I was trying to write about why I have problems getting my passions, desires, and emotions to the surface, but when the subject turned to my mother, I realized that I was feeling some real bitter anger as I wrote. I was distracting myself from exploring the subject by angrily arguing with her in my head and had brought progress almost to a standstill. I pushed forward and started to explore the subject, and for the first time since I started doing whatever it is that I’m doing right now, I felt fear. I REALLY did not want to dig into this relationship, and a part of my mind was trying to distract me from doing it, and when I figured that out and started to approach directly, I felt a really good amount of fear of looking behind that wall. This probably means that this is exactly where I should be digging.
I had said before that my relationship with my mom hadn’t had that much of an effect on me because I had designated her to be the bad guy in the divorce and was able to discount everything she said without harm. That was half of a lie. I did designate her as the bad guy, but considering how much resentment I still feel toward her, I don’t think it worked all that well. I was lying to myself again. There is as much or more crap stemming from my relationship with Mom as there was from the one with Dad, I’d just buried it deeper. That’s odd since I blatantly think of her as being a far worse parent and person.
I’ve mentioned before that my mother mentally and emotionally destroyed my father, or at least I blame her for it. Dad opened up occasionally. Enough that I have some clue about how she did it. I’m going here to get an understanding of how she did it and what kind of person she is. His damage is no longer my burden to bear. I wasn’t born yet through most of this, and too young to have a clue through the rest. (My mind is really trying to turn me away from this)
Mom was callous, degrading, and casually cruel, and good at convincing Dad that it was all his fault. He told a couple of stories that really illustrate this. They were at some kind of multi day long distance bicycle event, and Dad hurt his knee enough that it swole up and was causing him considerable pain. Obviously, it slowed him down considerably. Mom just got angry at him for slowing her down, ripped on him for being a wimp and not just sucking it up, and soon just rode off and left him. That’s how she reacted to other people’s pain. Including mine. It couldn’t be painful because she doesn’t feel a thing.
Another story he told was what happened when he asked why she wanted a child. “So I can have someone to love,”. Implying that she didn’t love him. I don’t know if she said that to be cruel, or just didn’t care, but she was very good at making the most damaging statements possible casually and without a care.
She was also very angry, constantly belittled him, and accused him of being overbearing and domineering to her. I was there, he wasn’t.
Once she discarded my dad, she only had one target left for her anger. Me. Where Dad’s anger was hot and eventually resolved itself, hers was cold, quiet, and constant. She occasionally flew off the handle, got loud, and wasn’t shy about what physical abuse she was capable of, usually it was cold. She picked out every flaw I had and pointed it out to me every time she could. She was especially cruel about my weight (I’ve always been a little overweight, and appeared so even when the tests said I had a good body fat percentage, or maybe I always see myself as fatter than I am). She also gave me a daily reminder that I was clumsy, not athletic, a wimp, and a coward. These things were stated like they were immutable facts and they amounted to me not only having a value of zero, but in negative numbers.
As I grew older she got worse. The insults and abuses continued. But they took on a more complex dimension. I was always wrong. I’d mention that I had a problem with someone at school, shed tell me it was my fault, and part of me would believe her.
She also used her power and authority to deny me anything that I REALLY wanted. She had reasons for all of it of course, but I sensed what was really underneath it. She was proving to me and to herself that she could. It was all about dominance. She never voluntarily let go of that either. She tried to deny me money that was legally mine while I was in college. She insisted on being in complete control over where both my wife and I were when we came back for my grandmothers funeral (I was in my thirties)
Things got better around the time I started high school. She may have been doing some kind of work on herself, but I suspect that it was just that she had begun to be physically afraid of me.
In short, she was the first person to really make me feel powerless, small, and inferior. I came to really hate her for it. That was fear based of course, same old fear of powerlessness. This grew into a lot of the things I’ve been talking about. Of note is that it started the problems with my love life. Two reasons, I did not have the original validating female influence that you are supposed to have and I took that as women don’t like me. Second, I got the message from the abuse that women are scary. It’s also lead me to have a problem with female authority figures. Not all of them, just the ones who have that “I’m going to put these males in their place” vibe.
I also blamed her for everything wrong in my life. She broke my dad and caused him th he angry and abusive, and she abused me herself. I saw her as destroying someone’s I cared about deeply, and then tried to destroy me. Besides which, so far as I can tell, she didn’t love me after I got out of the cute baby stage, and moms are supposed to love you.
I had a flash of I guess you would call it intuition. I know why she was like that. She was TERRIFIED of strong men. They represent a threat to the fake image she has in her mind of a super strong confident woman who is better than any man. She would often let slip her contempt for the male of the species. I don’t know details, but her father invalidated her because she was a girl.
She loved me when I was a baby and a toddler, but the more I grew into a man, the more she saw me as a threat, and the more she tried to stop me from becoming the strong confident, man that she feared. It worked. For a while.
Here is the self lie in all of this. She was more powerful than me in my mind. It’s BS. Under the bluff and bluster and aggression she was a weak scared little girl who couldn’t handle the thought of a man ever growing into her equal let alone surpassing her. That’s why she destroyed my father as soon as he’d given her a kid, and that’s why she tried to destroy me. I don’t hate her anymore, I can’t. I feel horrible for her.
I am much stronger than she is, I always have been. Where she let what was pretty mild destroy her core (I think she may be a narcissist, sociopath or something in that family) and turn her into that, I went through much worse and held onto that spark that is me and successfully protected it so it can bloom later. Hell, what I’ve been through would have killed a lot of people. I even remember teaching myself to use an auric shield before I knew what an aura was.
Bear in mind that this is only my perception. I could be wrong about what’s going on in mom’s head. She did act like a decent person sometimes.
A couple of interesting things happened while I was doing this. I ran into the thing that had been trying to distract, scare, and generally prevent me from looking at this. It’s the part of me that really holds on to anger, resentment, grudges, ect. Nasty piece of work that one. He’s the source of those rage fantasies and all the anger that bubbled up on me unbidden. He was afraid for his life if I found this. If I let go of the anger and resentment, he’s afraid he’ll die. I dealt with him by commanding. Being nice and comforting just isn’t his language. I told him that he will continue to exist because I may need his energy (my life path does involve developing the ability to do great harm if I need to, and he is my killer instinct) but From here on in he will be under the direct discipline and control of my conscious mind. He rises when I call, and stops when he is told. I got a pretty cool mental image of him kneeling and bowing after that.
I ran into another subconscious character as well. There’s a sad little boy in there crying because his mommy doesn’t love him. I actually felt tears try to rise for about two seconds, but I was at work so I had to say not here and not now. This is weird because I don’t cry. I had to tell him “sorry, but your mommy just isn’t capable of loving you the right way, she’s too messed up”. The only conciliation I could offer him was to show him the man that he was becoming. I can’t offer what he is missing. Perhaps someday my wife will be able to help, but she’s got her own crap to deal with.
Damn powerful experience.
RE: UMS. Let’s get at it - Paul1131 - 11-13-2019
Quick addition. Once I got done with that, I started feeling happy as hell, and I notice I’m surrounded with super highly charged energy. I feel awesome.
RE: UMS. Let’s get at it - Shannon - 11-13-2019
Bravo! Amazing progress! Congratulations!
Quote:I ran into another subconscious character as well. There’s a sad little boy in there crying because his mommy doesn’t love him. I actually felt tears try to rise for about two seconds, but I was at work so I had to say not here and not now. This is weird because I don’t cry. I had to tell him “sorry, but your mommy just isn’t capable of loving you the right way, she’s too messed up”. The only conciliation I could offer him was to show him the man that he was becoming. I can’t offer what he is missing. Perhaps someday my wife will be able to help, but she’s got her own crap to deal with.
I suggest that instead of just telling him "Mom can't love you, sorry,", you pick him up, set him on your lap and give him the love he needs and wants yourself. She can't, but you can.
RE: UMS. Let’s get at it - Ale - 11-13-2019
This is too true. You can't change the past, but you can change how you perceive it and that will help you heal
RE: UMS. Let’s get at it - Have at ye - 11-13-2019
I can really relate to that post. Great work, man.
RE: UMS. Let’s get at it - Paul1131 - 11-14-2019
WIFE: I am seeing some signs that she’s doing some of the same type of introspection that I am. She was having trouble with a certain task at work again, and it got to her. I asked a few questions and she told me that she primarily identifies herself by being smart. Anything that makes her feel like she isn’t as smart as she thinks she is really puts her in a state of overthinking and being down on herself. I asked a few more questions and she said that she was always told to live up to her potential, and since she got straight As once in school, so her potential was perfect. Any deviation from perfect in brain activities means that she isn’t living up to the standard she internalized.
It was frustrating from there. She was arguing on behalf of her limiting beliefs even though she saw them.
The next night she came home and told me that she had asked someone to walk her through it, and that when she was originally shown it they had been in a hurry so had sped through. She even said that she had been being silly by being so freaked out about it.
ME: I’ve got a few things. First, these things I’ve been writing. I don’t have the insight and experience and then write about it, I have it while I’m writing. The act of tapping it into a keyboard or phone puts me in the state where I can have the experience. I’m writing it or at least thinking about it in words in my head whenever something happens when I’m not. That allows me to visualize or whatever. Whenever I’ve tried visualization techniques and similar, it hasn’t worked for crap. That tells me that I operate very much on a verbal level, and gives me a clue as to how to proceed with things. That also might be why subliminals work so well on me.
Ok, this leads us to what I was going to write about the other day when I got pulled another direction.
I’ve noticed a problem since I’ve started the USLM family of subs. I’ve gotten some pretty amazing manifestations on them, but each and every one of them has been in response to a crisis, and served to prevent something really bad from happening rather than move us forward to the next level where really good things are happening.
Here’s why. It stems partly from Mom’s dominance games, and partly from choosing to dedicate so much of my mental life to “saving” my father.
Simply put, I don’t feel strong desires. Or to put it more esoterically, the passion and desire energy was blocked from rising to the surface by knots of fear. That is unless it’s a desire to escape, avoid, or save myself or another from something.
Whenever (as an adult) I’ve been asked what do I want, I have a lot of difficulty coming up with anything, and when I do answer it’s just something I came up with in order to have an answer, and I don’t have any real feeling behind it. This is not conducive to getting where one wants to go in life because one doesn't have a clear destination in mind, the subconscious (and the conscious) simply seek the path of least resistance and stay with the status qoue.
Here’s why I have issues with that. My perception as a kid was that I never got what I wanted. I did have very strong desires for things like all kids do. However, Mom made sure that if I really wanted something, I never got it. I now know that she was proving to herself over and over that she was more powerful than me because the barest hint of being overpowered by a male scared her to death. However, at some point, I figured out at least subconsciously that the more I wanted something, the less likely I was to get it. Even when I managed to save up the money from doing odd jobs for neighbors and gifts, she just said no to anything I passionately wanted. This added to the message that working for something is useless too. Not helpful.
I tried to break out of this after I turned eighteen but still in High school by buying a motorcycle. My Dad was helping here, and it’s the only time I’ve ever seen him try to go against her. We made the deal, and were going to pick it up later. Dad made a mistake that night though. He told her before the deal was done. She exploded. I don’t remember what exactly she said, but it was the most degrading, insulting, and threatening I have ever heard her, and that’s saying something. She had my father in tears. He caved. I caved. I wouldn’t have given in on my own, and I think my sense of powerlessness wouldn’t have been as bad going forward if I’d won that one, but I saw how much the conflict had hurt my father and didn’t want to cause him further pain.
After that I ignored some evidence that I COULD get what I wanted. When I graduated my uncle who owned a motorcycle dealership brought a helmet to my graduation party, and I picked up my first bike the next week. That should have told me that I can manifest my desires. But the damage from the many years of frustration, and I think from the emotion of that one event had done the damage, and it was internalized.
Weird aside, once she lost, she acted like she was ok with it. Not only that, but she started riding it when I was in college. Guess who has now been riding over twenty years and has a Harley Road glide in the garage and hundreds of thousands of miles under their belt. (The correct answer is both me and my mother).
Now, I did get plenty of stuff, and a lot of it I liked, but it was all things that someone else thought I might want or should have. It was almost never what I asked for. This may be one of the reasons that I was in the pattern of letting life happen to me. I thought that if I really set myself on getting something, I wouldn’t get it no matter what, but If I just waited, I’d get something that was ok.
These are all self lies. First off, I internalized the assumption that I couldn’t get what I wanted in an artificial environment that doesn’t resemble the real world. My mother had pretty much total power over what I did and didn’t get, and she was working against me. In my adult life, no one is working against me or has anywhere near that kind of power over me. I’ve really been preventing myself from having desires over nothing for more than twenty years.
The other thing that’s lead to me having energy blocks goes back to my father (yes again). Back when I thought I had to constantly “save” him, I spent the majority of my emotional energy on doing that. While day to day, I may have wanted things, on the surface, all of the emotional energy that would be used in manifestation or driven real action was bound up in that.
This energy was mostly fear. So in a way I learned to either use fear as energy, or frame my passionate desires as only things which had the purpose of avoiding something I feared.
Between the two things, I got it into my head that it wasn’t ok to powerfully want things for myself. That’s why I can avert disasters like a boss, but have had trouble moving forward.
My manifestation system works just fine. I’ve manifested tens of thousands of dollars in the last year, plus two jobs when FYPJ was fully walking my subconscious through the process. I’m very smart and a hard worker, so I have everything I need to make anything that I want happen. I think that all I need to do now is to remember how to REALLY WANT something in line with the program goals. It might take some more exploration, but I think I’ve actually got enough of the bad stuff out of the way to start kicking ass and taking names now.
RE: UMS. Let’s get at it - Paul1131 - 11-14-2019
ME: When I woke up this afternoon, I got in the shower and started playing a mental tape of my wife laying into me for something. I’ve done this frequently, and actually manage to really get myself angry over something that isn’t actually happening. It’s related to those rage fantasy episodes, and sometimes became one, but usually wasn’t as intense. This time was different though. There was no feeling to it. I didn’t feel the fear of being dominated that I usually do, and since I didn’t feel that, there was no anger. It was just a mental program running in my head because I’m used to running it.
Now, my wife used to be emotionally abusive, and that was not ok, but a lot of how I reacted to it had to do with the fear/frustration/anger I had at my domineering mother. Now that I’ve seen that for what it was, and my wife is doing much better herself, that pattern has lost its power.
I am expecting that mental habit to fade over time now.
The incident with the motorcycle may sound like me being a spoiled brat to you, and perhaps it was to some extent. However, it’s the last time I remember having a real palpable burning desire for something, and that incident was very painful. Id wanted a bike since I was a kid in a rural neighborhood where all the guys had a dirt bike, and I’d been fighting to get one for at least ten years at that point. I had thought that I was finally going to get what I had wanted so much for so long, and Mom demonstrated how hard she was willing to fight to maintain her complete dominance and power.
A part of me gave up that day and decided not to desire things. To move forward, I have to revive that part.
RE: UMS. Let’s get at it - findingme - 11-14-2019
(11-14-2019, 03:24 AM)Paul1131 Wrote: ME: I’ve got a few things. First, these things I’ve been writing. I don’t have the insight and experience and then write about it, I have it while I’m writing. The act of tapping it into a keyboard or phone puts me in the state where I can have the experience. I’m writing it or at least thinking about it in words in my head whenever something happens when I’m not.
Thanks for describing that Paul. I do the very same thing, where I'll have a feeling, won't have words for it, but as I begin writing, I describe it like I'm talking to somebody. I know that's why therapists listen a lot, since our best answers come from us, and not them. When WE make the connections is when we see our possible solutions better.
I do the same thing when writing. It's why I may write a whole paragraph, but upon realizing some misunderstanding on my part, I'll leave the wrong part. It feels good being honest with myself plus finding better answers for questions I have. I'm able to see growth in myself doing this, and I treasure that.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts here with us. You're pretty insightful.
RE: UMS. Let’s get at it - Paul1131 - 11-14-2019
(11-14-2019, 03:58 PM)findingme Wrote:(11-14-2019, 03:24 AM)Paul1131 Wrote: ME: I’ve got a few things. First, these things I’ve been writing. I don’t have the insight and experience and then write about it, I have it while I’m writing. The act of tapping it into a keyboard or phone puts me in the state where I can have the experience. I’m writing it or at least thinking about it in words in my head whenever something happens when I’m not.
Thanks for describing that Paul. I do the very same thing, where I'll have a feeling, won't have words for it, but as I begin writing, I describe it like I'm talking to somebody. I know that's why therapists listen a lot, since our best answers come from us, and not them. When WE make the connections is when we see our possible solutions better.
I do the same thing when writing. It's why I may write a whole paragraph, but upon realizing some misunderstanding on my part, I'll leave the wrong part. It feels good being honest with myself plus finding better answers for questions I have. I'm able to see growth in myself doing this, and I treasure that.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts here with us. You're pretty insightful.
Thank you.
ME: I’ve been having a really odd mental thing happen. I start to think of the ex who I uselessly messed up, and I get, like a quarter second into mentally vocalizing the name with the old emotion behind it. Then it just disappears mid thought. It’s extremely sudden, like someone reached out with a pin and popped a soap bubble. It starts, then it just vanishes mid syllable. I’m not consciously doing anything, it just happens. It appears that my subconscious has internalized the message that that isn’t a useful thing to be doing, and it’s stopping it on its own.
RE: UMS. Let’s get at it - Paul1131 - 11-16-2019
ME: I was ticked off at the world today for no apparent reason. When I say no apparent reason, I mean that. It didn’t focus on anything in particular, I was just angry. At nothing. It was weird. It didn’t help matters that I was shopping with my wife all day. I have a let’s say, more direct shopping style than she does, so I was annoyed that it was taking so long, but I didn’t think that it was the source of the anger. What I mean is, before I would have thought that I was grouchy, irritable, and generally pissed off at the observable universe because I was stuck in Walmart with someone who shops at the approximate speed of continental drift. This time I was thinking that being stuck in Walmart with someone who shops at the approximate speed of continental drift was a lot more irritating because I was already pissed at the world.
Here’s what I think is happening. What I’ve been doing lately has shut off a lot of the sources of fear/anger/frustration/bitterness. There’s a lot less being produced, but there was still quite a bit of the energy in my system. It’s bleeding off. So, it was a rough day, but doesn’t mean much.