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+--- Thread: EHPRA Journal (/Thread-EHPRA-Journal)
RE: EHPRA Journal - mat422 - 07-01-2016
(07-01-2016, 11:11 AM)DisneylandUSA Wrote: Interesting insight; sounds like you are expanding yourself into 'outgrowing' your old self perhaps; We may grieve with crying when our old self slips away revealing a new self... it can be anxiety when this happens or a Big relief
Maybe. It's always hard to tell with this stuff. I would like to outgrow my old self, but the familiar fears seem to be what hold me back the most. At this point I've pretty much detached from any sort of identity that has to do with my anxiety which has been improvement as well. Now I guess it's a matter of shedding that skin so to speak.
(07-01-2016, 11:18 AM)CatMan Wrote:(07-01-2016, 06:43 AM)mat422 Wrote: I feel a great deal of shame dealing with this. Why? Because I feel like in comparison to other people's problems out there mine is very minuscule and seems petty. But for me it's just so chronic and pervasive it just wears me down to a point where I just have trouble enjoying life. And the irrationality of it all is what really kills me.
You aren't alone in this realisation don't worry...
You don't think that I feel a great deal of embarrassment and stupidity for using E2 just to get rid of fears/depression/anxiety/loneliness and general feeling of total inadequacy around dating and having sex with attractive little females I already know? While other guys on this sub have extremely abusive families, issues with the police, being homeless, been a soldier and went through extremely straining situations risking death, trying to cling onto sanity in such states. I feel completely ridiculous, cowardly, and foolish for running the same program as people like that, while I sit and whine about my first world problems. It's why I even feel somewhat embarrassed to journal online anymore. I whine about not having a girlfriend or having sex, meanwhile these people have battles like that waging...really makes you want to give your head a shake and wake up.
I'd say use this realisation to let yourself know things could be far far worse, and that you are doing much better than you realise. Hopefully, that will be enough of a reframing, using other's struggles, to pick yourself up and drive forward. That way, you can try to turn the whole experience into something positive, and beneficial.
Best advice I can give, as I too have had this realisation.
This is pretty much why I don't hold back in my journals. Every once in a while someone pops in and gives me an alternative of how to think about things and it helps. Sometimes it stings, but it helps me grow. Thanks Catman. You helped me realize being so incredibly ashamed of this type of stuff actually prevents me from breaking it down and solving it. Instead I just lump it into one big category of anxiety so it appeals to my victim mentality. But no matter how stupid, weak, or dumb my thoughts or feelings may be they influence my emotional state and they need to be addressed, not merely swept under the rug. The further out of conscious awareness they are, the more damage they do.
RE: EHPRA Journal - Shannon - 07-01-2016
Guilt, shame and fear over using a program to help you overcome guilt shame and fear is someone trying subconsciously to hold on to guilt shame and fear!
Now why would you do that? Either of you?
RE: EHPRA Journal - mat422 - 07-01-2016
(07-01-2016, 06:59 PM)Shannon Wrote: Guilt, shame and fear over using a program to help you overcome guilt shame and fear is someone trying subconsciously to hold on to guilt shame and fear!
Now why would you do that? Either of you?
I'm having trouble coming up with a solid answer. This pretty much twists my brain in a knot. I'm going to need a few days to think it over. I feel like a walking contradiction now.
RE: EHPRA Journal - Shannon - 07-01-2016
I suspect you'll find that the answer is that some part of you either believes that you "deserve" guilt, shame and fear because of some very early programming and/or experiences, or that you are afraid of living without them for some reason - probably because they are the "devil you know".
RE: EHPRA Journal - mat422 - 07-02-2016
After having a night to think it over I've come to the conclusion that I have a tendency to hold onto guilt and shame more than I should. It just feels like a bad habit at this point. So the cycle goes, experience anxiety-> feel guilt and shame for experiencing that-> generate more anxiety-> the cycle continues. I can't pinpoint a single reason for feeling the need to hold onto guilt and shame so I'm guessing whatever it is is outside my conscious awareness. But I'll have to start breaking the cycle by catching myself whenever I start feeling that guilt or shame and stop it.
RE: EHPRA Journal - CatMan - 07-02-2016
(07-01-2016, 06:59 PM)Shannon Wrote: Guilt, shame and fear over using a program to help you overcome guilt shame and fear is someone trying subconsciously to hold on to guilt shame and fear!
Now why would you do that? Either of you?
For me, I don't think it's so deep as that. I simply feel silly using such a program designed to remove severe emotional traumas and fears etc. that are far more legitimate than simply being nervous about girls. I feel silly using such a program when others have real problems. I do feel "first world problems" indeed, lol.
Seeing some of the other E2 journals has opened my eyes up to the huge disparity. Made me realise how silly it is, compared to such serious life problems. Things are nowhere near as bad for me, nowhere near. That's a good realisation in a way.
RE: EHPRA Journal - Nox - 07-02-2016
(07-02-2016, 06:56 AM)CatMan Wrote:(07-01-2016, 06:59 PM)Shannon Wrote: Guilt, shame and fear over using a program to help you overcome guilt shame and fear is someone trying subconsciously to hold on to guilt shame and fear!
Now why would you do that? Either of you?
For me, I don't think it's so deep as that. I simply feel silly using such a program designed to remove severe emotional traumas and fears etc. that are far more legitimate than simply being nervous about girls. I feel silly using such a program when others have real problems. I do feel "first world problems" indeed, lol.
Seeing some of the other E2 journals has opened my eyes up to the huge disparity. Made me realise how silly it is, compared to such serious life problems. Things are nowhere near as bad for me, nowhere near. That's a good realisation in a way.
Improvement is never silly. Stop judging and let yourself get better.
RE: EHPRA Journal - mat422 - 07-02-2016
(07-02-2016, 06:56 AM)CatMan Wrote:(07-01-2016, 06:59 PM)Shannon Wrote: Guilt, shame and fear over using a program to help you overcome guilt shame and fear is someone trying subconsciously to hold on to guilt shame and fear!
Now why would you do that? Either of you?
For me, I don't think it's so deep as that. I simply feel silly using such a program designed to remove severe emotional traumas and fears etc. that are far more legitimate than simply being nervous about girls. I feel silly using such a program when others have real problems. I do feel "first world problems" indeed, lol.
Seeing some of the other E2 journals has opened my eyes up to the huge disparity. Made me realise how silly it is, compared to such serious life problems. Things are nowhere near as bad for me, nowhere near. That's a good realisation in a way.
I'm not saying you're wrong, but shame hides itself very well. And the ridiculous thing is you can have shame about having shame and from there it becomes even harder to uncover it because you'll make all these rationalizations for why you don't have internalized shame. Just something to keep in mind.
RE: EHPRA Journal - DisneylandUSA - 07-02-2016
(07-02-2016, 10:46 AM)mat422 Wrote:(07-02-2016, 06:56 AM)CatMan Wrote:(07-01-2016, 06:59 PM)Shannon Wrote: Guilt, shame and fear over using a program to help you overcome guilt shame and fear is someone trying subconsciously to hold on to guilt shame and fear!
Now why would you do that? Either of you?
For me, I don't think it's so deep as that. I simply feel silly using such a program designed to remove severe emotional traumas and fears etc. that are far more legitimate than simply being nervous about girls. I feel silly using such a program when others have real problems. I do feel "first world problems" indeed, lol.
Seeing some of the other E2 journals has opened my eyes up to the huge disparity. Made me realise how silly it is, compared to such serious life problems. Things are nowhere near as bad for me, nowhere near. That's a good realisation in a way.
I'm not saying you're wrong, but shame hides itself very well. And the ridiculous thing is you can have shame about having shame and from there it becomes even harder to uncover it because you'll make all these rationalizations for why you don't have internalized shame. Just something to keep in mind.
How you felt any Anger while listening to E2 ? For example, I realize that I am getting Angry over people from the past; from Relatives to friends to past girlfriends; Basically, Anger over their expectations of me.... And, I failed their expectations ... therefore, giving me a 'Guilt trip.' So Perhaps, there may be multiple choice answers regarding, 'Overcoming Guilt, Fear and Shame'
RE: EHPRA Journal - mat422 - 07-05-2016
(07-02-2016, 11:05 AM)DisneylandUSA Wrote:(07-02-2016, 10:46 AM)mat422 Wrote:(07-02-2016, 06:56 AM)CatMan Wrote:(07-01-2016, 06:59 PM)Shannon Wrote: Guilt, shame and fear over using a program to help you overcome guilt shame and fear is someone trying subconsciously to hold on to guilt shame and fear!
Now why would you do that? Either of you?
For me, I don't think it's so deep as that. I simply feel silly using such a program designed to remove severe emotional traumas and fears etc. that are far more legitimate than simply being nervous about girls. I feel silly using such a program when others have real problems. I do feel "first world problems" indeed, lol.
Seeing some of the other E2 journals has opened my eyes up to the huge disparity. Made me realise how silly it is, compared to such serious life problems. Things are nowhere near as bad for me, nowhere near. That's a good realisation in a way.
I'm not saying you're wrong, but shame hides itself very well. And the ridiculous thing is you can have shame about having shame and from there it becomes even harder to uncover it because you'll make all these rationalizations for why you don't have internalized shame. Just something to keep in mind.
How you felt any Anger while listening to E2 ? For example, I realize that I am getting Angry over people from the past; from Relatives to friends to past girlfriends; Basically, Anger over their expectations of me.... And, I failed their expectations ... therefore, giving me a 'Guilt trip.' So Perhaps, there may be multiple choice answers regarding, 'Overcoming Guilt, Fear and Shame'
Definitely. Though I think I'm passed the anger stage at this point. It's definitely a tricky thing trying to pin down the answer, but you're right there are a lot of potential reasons for guilt, fear, and shame.
RE: EHPRA Journal - mat422 - 07-10-2016
It pretty much dawned on me today that it's not that I don't know where to go in life and what to do, but the fact that I'm letting my limiting beliefs hold me back. And underneath that feeling of uncertainty and not knowing is actually just fear that makes me think I need to figure things out more before I move forward. I keep settling, telling myself that this is good enough and anything more is "unrealistic". I keep getting sucked into that reality of playing it safe and thinking I just need to lower my expectations of life instead of accepting that things can be better than what I imagine they could be.
A lot of those old guilt, shame, and fear issues are showing themselves with this. A few nights back I was listening to E2 before bed and couldn't sleep too well. So I just sort of meditated a bit. A lot of what ran through my head was I didn't deserve love, happiness, friends, success, etc. I didn't deserve any of it.
I've been thinking about this lately and realized I've been looking for a reason for these things. Like until I find the answer then I can accept these things in my life. But I'm starting to realize that's not how it works. There is no answer. You either accept great things in your life or you don't. The same goes for things like guilt, shame, and fear. I've been so hung up on getting to the source, figuring out the solution, thinking E2 just hasn't uncovered enough yet, waiting for that moment when it finally clicks. Maybe it was fear, I don't know. But I've been waiting in limbo and haven't done enough to simply let go of this stuff and move on. The fact is I don't need a reason for what's behind the fear, guilt, or shame. In a way maybe it's all just been resistance hidden under the guise of intense internal work. I tricked myself into believing I was working hard on myself when really I was just stonewalling the process and rationalizing my fear of change as not having the answer to my problems yet.
I really hope this is a legitimate breakthrough for me and not one of those posts I look back on and feel stupid for. I've felt a shift in how I'm responding to E2 now. Before I tried to almost detach and let E2 fix everything on it's own. As if I didn't have to do anything and everything would magically get better. Now it feels more like I'm cooperating with what E2 is guiding me to do instead of resisting. Consciously I'm now intent on letting go of all my emotional baggage without needing a reason for it and E2 is accelerating the process. I feel a bit dumb now because it's painfully obvious I was waiting for E2 to make me cooperate instead of just going along with the directions from the beginning.
RE: EHPRA Journal - mat422 - 07-12-2016
Still going strong with E2. It's funny I wrote that entire post on the hows and whys of getting E2 to work better for me, but it can all be condensed into one phrase. Letting go. That's it, that simple. Letting go of the negative thoughts, beliefs, emotions and to stop holding onto them. Painfully simple in theory, incredibly complex in application if you still have remnants of guilt shame and fear still floating around in your system. Something just clicked in my head and I've taken to E2 much better. I can't consciously understand it really, it just makes sense. My only guess is that I've finally moved past that fear of letting some of this stuff go. It's funny how even when you think you're not influenced by fear it can still be there at such a subtle level and make your rationalize the crap out of your reasons why you can't let something go.
And something new popped up for me. Listening to E2 now I'm generating this intense energy of unconditional love in my body and it feels amazing. I read about others experiencing it, but I never fully got the effect. But it's like the equivalent feeling of sitting outside in peace with nature with complete calm and serenity being completely in the moment. It's like all the chaos around me doesn't even matter.
Also one more thing. Feeling this rumbling in my solar plexus while listening. Gonna guess this is one of my chakras. After reading a bit about them I think my lower chakras are very inactive. Basically I've always had this knowledge or wisdom in my life, but as far as practical application goes my life is a mess. Not being grounded enough apparently leads to this very thing. I'm feeling more connected lately to the physical and not so up in my head wishing things were different on this planet. Now hopefully I can merge the two and take all that wisdom I've gathered over the years and apply it towards making a fulfilling life for myself. A life without the limitations I've imposed on myself.
Things are starting to look up for me. I'm hoping it's smooth sailing with E2 from here on out but I can't be sure. All I know is that these past few months of running this it felt like my brain was all fogged up but now I have clarity.
RE: EHPRA Journal - mat422 - 07-13-2016
Woke up today not feeling too great. But I caught myself and changed how I approach this. When you're riding a high for a while it's tempting to think that you've figured things out or that everything will be different from now on. But holding onto that is what actually causes more pain because you're resisting what is actually occurring in your mind. So I just let it be, and if I feel bad I feel bad. I don't make it worse by dwelling on it and I know eventually it will pass.
I made the mistake that I was past everything but it's really important to be thorough with this stuff and to not get ahead of yourself. There's definitely been some massive shifts but I still have to be very mindful of not burying things that need healing in an attempt to satisfy my own ego. There's still that perfectionist thinking that slips in every now and then that makes me feel like anything less than being positive is "wrong". Also avoidant behaviors that are disguised as good intentions to keep me mentally healthy. To experience life to the fullest I have to have healed to the point where I try new things without immediately dismissing them because of fear. I think of it like standing in a large room with all these different doors and slamming each and every one of them because of fear and never exploring opportunities given to me in life. If there's one thing I've learned about the nature of this reality it's that you have to be open to all opportunities because you never know when a seeming diversion might take you on the path you desire.
With this emotional growth over the past few days I'm noticing parallels in my music. Since music is a form of expression it's important to have that ability to express yourself without feeling the need to hold back. Sometimes my music takes a turn I didn't expect it to go and instead of fighting it I just accept it. Trying to force it in a different direction is the equivalent of trying to fight your own emotions.
RE: EHPRA Journal - mat422 - 07-17-2016
I've been hit hard with some anxiety these past few days. In a way it sucks, but in a way I'm noticing an improvement in catching the thoughts and ruminations that lead to this anxiety. Also noticing that a lot of the time those thoughts were inaccessible to me because I had shame attached to them. A lot of it just comes down to needing to be more mindful of what I'm thinking instead of shutting down and letting the anxiety get out of control.
Just trying to not let the avoidance get the best of me. That's where the problems really stem from. When I run from my problems and just create more problems. The only way I can describe it is this instinctual pull to close out the world and go inside myself. Terrible habit. Usually results in watching a movie, tv, or playing video games. I tend to trick myself into believing I need it to decompress or relax or whatever delusional belief I have instead of recognizing it as a temporary escape from the anxiety that points towards things that need fixing in my life.
I still don't feel aligned with my goals. Meaning I know what is good for me and what I should do, but some part of me is fighting every step of the way. And lately there have been a lot of sneaky tactics to get me to avoid doing what I need to do and it's been really rough. I can force myself to move forward but it's almost like the more energy I put into overcoming that resistance, the more stealthily my subconcsious resists. To the point where I'm like shit, I did it again. I have to revise my strategy when it comes to my resistant behaviors instead of trying to steam roll them.