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+--- Thread: EHPRA Journal (/Thread-EHPRA-Journal)
RE: EHPRA Journal - maxx55 - 06-20-2016
(06-19-2016, 06:14 PM)mat422 Wrote:(06-19-2016, 02:12 PM)maxx55 Wrote:(06-19-2016, 01:14 PM)mat422 Wrote:(06-19-2016, 10:33 AM)maxx55 Wrote: If it makes you feel any better, I'm having similar thoughts about sex and emotions. The kind of raw animalistic sexual thoughts you're talking about, I've had for years now. But I've been going back and forth in my mind if I have dark desires to hurt girls through sex as a sort of revenge on them or if that's just how I would express myself sexually. I'm thinking it's a mix of both but mostly the latter. I feel like the animalisitc part is hard wired in me.
And about emotions, I don't really know what to do. I feel emotionally exhausted atm. I've been thinking about all the times I've felt strong emotions. Back in middle school, I wanted to stop feeling anything at all. It just hurt too much. And when I liked a girl, I felt too strongly about her. And I couldn't tell her how I felt because she'd not like me. And I had strong emotions to hurt and possibly kill those who pissed me off. And now I'm starting to feel some of these things again and I don't know what to do. I use to think that others had the same experience as me, but after actually meeting the real world, I totally feel like I'm alone with this. I don't know what to do regarding emotions. I just want all of this to be over
Sex can be a really weird outlet for pent up or repressed aspects of ourselves. It does sound like there's a little bit of anger mixed in there for you. I wouldn't look into it too much though. The way I see it a lot of these behaviors are born out of your subconscious beliefs and until we tackle those at the root it's impossible to really tell what the motivation is for some of the stuff we do. It's like trying to solve a puzzle but being given a box with missing pieces.
I can relate to that. How do you feel about giving into these emotions and allowing yourself to feel them fully? I don't know if you feel the same way but I used to be afraid to allow these feelings. I used to worry I'd get stuck in anger or have my emotions carry me away and I'd do something horrible. I feared losing control. But with E2 it's safe. It'll guide you back into that emotion and just heal it. If you can't it'll pull you back and keep you safe. But you have to let go and allow it to do what it needs to do. You'll be more emotionally exhausted fighting the healing that e2 is trying to bring about than just allowing yourself to experience whatever it is that needs healing.
I did embrace it at the time man. I see now that that was the only time I ever felt strong. Thinking to myself "I could beat him to death if he messes with me" or something like "I should bend her over and just **** her to death" or "I'll just hurt them emotionally the same way they hurt me" was the only thing that made me feel like I had some kind of control. I thought I could inflict on them what I felt. I fantasized about making them experience what I did and feel the pain. At the time, I felt good about it. Anger was my "safe zone".
I now see that that was so far from the truth. If anything, I damaged myself more than I did anyone else (Plus, I never felt like they hurt the way I did). And now, I'm feeling strong emotions again after so long and I don't like it. But I'm sort of scared that I'll be the weak person I was before I relied on anger. And part of me is scared that E2 won't work and that I'll be an emotional wreck despite it. I've thought about stopping E2 temporarily to tap out the few major issues and then getting back on E2, but I haven't done that yet. Shannon claims that anger will transform into a force that helps heal you even faster while on E2. I just don't see it right now for me, but I'm seeing external improvements, just little internal. At the same time, I know things can only change externally if something internally changes so maybe I'm just not noticing.
But yeah. Hopefully we'll both make it through this journey
P.S. It's just nice to have someone to talk to about it
What I'm gonna say next might come out incredibly vague, but I'll do my best. Believe it or not, E2 has been changing how you respond to these emotions. When you embraced it back then it swallowed you up and took control. But there's a huge difference between feeling emotions vs getting caught up in them. Back then you were in a lot of pain and you didn't have the emotional maturity or skillset to heal yourself. But you do now. You can dive into that feeling and explore it deeper and it won't pull you in. Even if you never ran these subliminals you've grown a lot since that time and have probably gained valuable insight into your behavior.
The fact that you have a strong aversion to these feelings is a huge indicator that it's exactly where you need to go in your healing journey.
I understand how you feel though. It took me a very long time to let down my guard. Anger and aggression were my only coping mechanisms for my incredibly vulnerable state I often felt I was in. But when I let those go and really started allowing E2 to work on why I felt vulnerable it strengthened me in a way anger couldn't.
You're afraid to go back and I understand that. It really takes a leap of faith to trust that E2 will heal you and you'll come out the other side stronger. Trust me when I say this, you won't go back to being that weak person. I had the same fears and they are gone now. That's all they are, fears. Fears that hold you back from the growth you deserve.
You can do this man. I'm not trying to make this a contest or anything of who is more messed up, but among all the people on this forum I was in really bad shape. Like close to suicidal when I found these subliminals. And on top of that I had such strong fears that kept me stuck in place. Fears I thought I could never ever get over. But here I am making progress I never dreamed was possible. If E2 has the strength to pull me out of the hell I was in, it's going to work for you too.
Talking always helps. We all need to be heard and validated and know we aren't alone in our struggles. If I came across as preachy in my post let me know. My intention is never to tell people how to feel, but to suggest an alternative to their current perception of how those feelings relate to them.
Totally not preachy dude, but very helpful! Thanks. I only really have 2 big fears at the moment. One, that E2 won't heal me emotionally within the year I'm willing to dedicate (though you've helped convince me otherwise). And two, that I won't get to live the awesome college life I want for at least some amount of time before I graduate (which would most likely mean running AOSI).
It's good to hear that you've seen huge progress since you first here. As long as you can measure it, you know you're on your way
RE: EHPRA Journal - mat422 - 06-20-2016
(06-20-2016, 06:31 AM)maxx55 Wrote:(06-19-2016, 06:14 PM)mat422 Wrote:(06-19-2016, 02:12 PM)maxx55 Wrote:(06-19-2016, 01:14 PM)mat422 Wrote:(06-19-2016, 10:33 AM)maxx55 Wrote: If it makes you feel any better, I'm having similar thoughts about sex and emotions. The kind of raw animalistic sexual thoughts you're talking about, I've had for years now. But I've been going back and forth in my mind if I have dark desires to hurt girls through sex as a sort of revenge on them or if that's just how I would express myself sexually. I'm thinking it's a mix of both but mostly the latter. I feel like the animalisitc part is hard wired in me.
And about emotions, I don't really know what to do. I feel emotionally exhausted atm. I've been thinking about all the times I've felt strong emotions. Back in middle school, I wanted to stop feeling anything at all. It just hurt too much. And when I liked a girl, I felt too strongly about her. And I couldn't tell her how I felt because she'd not like me. And I had strong emotions to hurt and possibly kill those who pissed me off. And now I'm starting to feel some of these things again and I don't know what to do. I use to think that others had the same experience as me, but after actually meeting the real world, I totally feel like I'm alone with this. I don't know what to do regarding emotions. I just want all of this to be over
Sex can be a really weird outlet for pent up or repressed aspects of ourselves. It does sound like there's a little bit of anger mixed in there for you. I wouldn't look into it too much though. The way I see it a lot of these behaviors are born out of your subconscious beliefs and until we tackle those at the root it's impossible to really tell what the motivation is for some of the stuff we do. It's like trying to solve a puzzle but being given a box with missing pieces.
I can relate to that. How do you feel about giving into these emotions and allowing yourself to feel them fully? I don't know if you feel the same way but I used to be afraid to allow these feelings. I used to worry I'd get stuck in anger or have my emotions carry me away and I'd do something horrible. I feared losing control. But with E2 it's safe. It'll guide you back into that emotion and just heal it. If you can't it'll pull you back and keep you safe. But you have to let go and allow it to do what it needs to do. You'll be more emotionally exhausted fighting the healing that e2 is trying to bring about than just allowing yourself to experience whatever it is that needs healing.
I did embrace it at the time man. I see now that that was the only time I ever felt strong. Thinking to myself "I could beat him to death if he messes with me" or something like "I should bend her over and just **** her to death" or "I'll just hurt them emotionally the same way they hurt me" was the only thing that made me feel like I had some kind of control. I thought I could inflict on them what I felt. I fantasized about making them experience what I did and feel the pain. At the time, I felt good about it. Anger was my "safe zone".
I now see that that was so far from the truth. If anything, I damaged myself more than I did anyone else (Plus, I never felt like they hurt the way I did). And now, I'm feeling strong emotions again after so long and I don't like it. But I'm sort of scared that I'll be the weak person I was before I relied on anger. And part of me is scared that E2 won't work and that I'll be an emotional wreck despite it. I've thought about stopping E2 temporarily to tap out the few major issues and then getting back on E2, but I haven't done that yet. Shannon claims that anger will transform into a force that helps heal you even faster while on E2. I just don't see it right now for me, but I'm seeing external improvements, just little internal. At the same time, I know things can only change externally if something internally changes so maybe I'm just not noticing.
But yeah. Hopefully we'll both make it through this journey
P.S. It's just nice to have someone to talk to about it
What I'm gonna say next might come out incredibly vague, but I'll do my best. Believe it or not, E2 has been changing how you respond to these emotions. When you embraced it back then it swallowed you up and took control. But there's a huge difference between feeling emotions vs getting caught up in them. Back then you were in a lot of pain and you didn't have the emotional maturity or skillset to heal yourself. But you do now. You can dive into that feeling and explore it deeper and it won't pull you in. Even if you never ran these subliminals you've grown a lot since that time and have probably gained valuable insight into your behavior.
The fact that you have a strong aversion to these feelings is a huge indicator that it's exactly where you need to go in your healing journey.
I understand how you feel though. It took me a very long time to let down my guard. Anger and aggression were my only coping mechanisms for my incredibly vulnerable state I often felt I was in. But when I let those go and really started allowing E2 to work on why I felt vulnerable it strengthened me in a way anger couldn't.
You're afraid to go back and I understand that. It really takes a leap of faith to trust that E2 will heal you and you'll come out the other side stronger. Trust me when I say this, you won't go back to being that weak person. I had the same fears and they are gone now. That's all they are, fears. Fears that hold you back from the growth you deserve.
You can do this man. I'm not trying to make this a contest or anything of who is more messed up, but among all the people on this forum I was in really bad shape. Like close to suicidal when I found these subliminals. And on top of that I had such strong fears that kept me stuck in place. Fears I thought I could never ever get over. But here I am making progress I never dreamed was possible. If E2 has the strength to pull me out of the hell I was in, it's going to work for you too.
Talking always helps. We all need to be heard and validated and know we aren't alone in our struggles. If I came across as preachy in my post let me know. My intention is never to tell people how to feel, but to suggest an alternative to their current perception of how those feelings relate to them.
Totally not preachy dude, but very helpful! Thanks. I only really have 2 big fears at the moment. One, that E2 won't heal me emotionally within the year I'm willing to dedicate (though you've helped convince me otherwise). And two, that I won't get to live the awesome college life I want for at least some amount of time before I graduate (which would most likely mean running AOSI).
It's good to hear that you've seen huge progress since you first here. As long as you can measure it, you know you're on your way
Anytime, glad to help.
RE: EHPRA Journal - mat422 - 06-21-2016
So I'm on day 2 of cutting back my hours and I should have done this a while ago. I feel like I have way more energy during the day and I feel like I'm able to focus on my life more and let the sub work in the background.
For a long time I felt like you have to go through some serious emotional struggles or pain to heal. But really it's all about taking your time, doing what you can, and giving yourself plenty of rest. My mistake was thinking I could bulldoze my way through all this stuff and reach the end quicker where I'm all better. Taking this thing in small manageable chunks is a lot better than trying to tackle as much as possible.
This is pretty much another lesson E2 has taught me. Self growth doesn't have to be painful or difficult if you approach it the right way. And intense emotional pain isn't a sign that you're healing any better than if you don't feel anything at all.
RE: EHPRA Journal - mat422 - 06-21-2016
It just occurred to me after making that post that instead of setting a strict schedule of only x amount of hours per day or listening as much as possible, I should just listen to my inner guidance. Listen to it when I feel the need, back off when I'm feeling like it won't help. Ultimately just trusting my own judgement.
RE: EHPRA Journal - mat422 - 06-22-2016
I often wonder to what extent E2 can help me with my creative endeavors. I've had a love/hate relationship with my music for a while now. I feel the pull to create, but at the same time the fear. I can recognize my improvement. A couple of years ago I wouldn't even be able to open up the program I use to make my music. I'd just have this all consuming feeling of not being good enough that killed my motivation to do anything. Nowadays my desire to create overrides that feeling most of the time. But what I'm really looking for is the complete absence of that feeling and the dissolving of the inner blocks that prevent me from engaging in the very thing I love.
My only memory of when creativity became an anxiety provoking thing for me was in elementary school art class. I had a teacher that often praised students with more natural talent and criticized those who weren't as gifted. Looking back I think she might have been one of those neurotic artists that had no concept of how to foster creativity in children. The type that never had the success they wanted because of their own problems and now they project them onto their students. Anyway I feel like that marked the death of my pure creative headspace I could get into prior to that point in my life.
I've always felt that creativity is really just the absence of fear, doubt, criticism, etc. People always talk about pushing past fear or forcing yourself to make art despite what that inner critic says. But to me that's completely neglecting the inner beliefs that might still be held surrounding what it means to create. You're not in alignment with your subconscious and your subconscious is where your best ideas are created from. The inner critic is discussed as if it were this separate malicious entity, but it's really just a reflection of another aspect of a person that they keep hidden.
By far the most powerful force for creating is intuition. But it's easily snuffed out by lingering doubts and insecurities about one's own competence. I'd go so far as to say the mysticism that surrounds artists or creative types is often a load of bullshit and as humans we have an innate desire to create that should be fostered instead of stomped on in society.
RE: EHPRA Journal - mat422 - 06-23-2016
So I was feeling really bad today. Like that feeling of needing to figure out what to do but not having the solution to the problem. A very tormenting feeling. I felt that maybe I should run E2. So I started listening and things got worse and worse. Usually I stick it out and see if I can make it out the other side, but this time I just took off the headphones and stopped listening. It's a hard lesson for me to learn but some things just can't be rushed no matter how strong or determined I think I am.
One thing that's come to my attention is I have a tendency to almost rate my days based on how successful I felt they are. On good productive days I feel good. On bad unproductive days I don't practice nearly enough compassion for myself. I have a tendency to take it as a complete failure of a day and get down on myself. I constantly feel like I should be pushing myself harder. I'm going to make more of an attempt to not be so hard on myself.
It's still rough, I haven't quite reached the point where these things are on autopilot and my life is going smoothly. I'm still fighting an internal battle that makes each day sort of unpredictable for me. I've also been feeling like I need to isolate myself from people more. Part of me wants to be around them, but another part of me feels like I don't have the energy to keep up.
I've been teaching myself web development in my free time. So far it's been interesting, but the familiar feelings of not being good enough started creeping in and making me doubt if I'd ever be able to get a job doing it. I mean as far as plans go career wise this has been my only real plan that seems somewhat doable. I just fear the worst that it'll end up like all the other jobs I've had, leaving me with a feeling of imprisonment and lack of freedom. I want to be financially stable, but if I'm not happy then there's little point to continue a lifestyle like that. Some people treat security as the holy grail for life, but to me it's a bit like confinement. Being stuck in something essentially out of fear. I often wonder if people are just content living like that, occasionally have thoughts about it and push it to the back of their mind, or are completely oblivious.
RE: EHPRA Journal - mat422 - 06-24-2016
Still discovering things about myself in regards to how I respond to these subliminals. There's a lot of shame and guilt still surrounding being open emotionally. Essentially I have trouble validating my own emotions. And I find this halts the healing process. I'm the type of guy who isn't comfortable being outwardly emotional, even if I'm alone. So I've been trying to let go of these emotions in a way that is more like running away from them.
I've been trying to put my past history with depression and anxiety behind me and keep moving ahead. But I'm seeing now that these issues aren't fully resolved and pretending that they don't exist isn't doing me any favors. I'm more capable than I was a couple of years ago but at the same time I still have my shortcomings that I need to work with. Keeping those in mind will help me from beating myself up too much.
I have a tendency to slap a calm peaceful serene feeling over the whirlwind of emotions I'm feeling at any given time in an effort to make myself feel better. But it's just a bandaid solution and causes me to overlook what I'm really feeling. And I'd have to say my biggest feeling right now is fear. Not necessarily fear of change, just a general fear that I'm not going to reach the goals I set out for myself and I'm going to keep screwing up. It's hard because in my life I've only really known trying and coming up short in everything I do, I've never really had a steady stream of success or stability. At least now I recognize it's possible, but my past experiences definitely make a huge impact when it comes to expecting the worst.
RE: EHPRA Journal - mat422 - 06-24-2016
Ok, so I've been doing posts left and right here which is pretty much a reflection of my mental state and how my brain felt like it was on fire these past few days.
There's a lot of anger inside of me. A lot. I grew up with a dad who had these explosions of anger and since then I haven't felt comfortable with it. But it had to go somewhere and it probably got redirected at me in the worst way possible.
I read a lot of posts here about intense emotional events on E2. I can't say I've ever experienced one until now. Because I felt anger was "wrong" anytime E2 brought it up I'd stuff it back down. But I let it come to the surface this time and play out. But this was some intense rage. I'm talking wanting to smash everything in sight rage. I couldn't tell you where it was coming from, no doubt just years of repression unleashed in one moment.
After it was over I realized how much I lacked control of my anger. There's people that get angry and lash out and then there are people that just swallow it and never really address it in a healthy way. I'm part of the second group and I need to learn how to accept anger without feeling like it's a "bad" emotion.
RE: EHPRA Journal - mat422 - 06-25-2016
Man I'm a mess lately. I'm taking a hiatus from this forum for a bit to get my head on straight. I'm going back to just listening at night. So only about 8 hours of exposure a day for me. Seems like very little, but I still don't know just how much energy this sub takes up for me and I have to figure that out. I'm gonna stop pushing myself so hard to make these changes that I feel I drastically need. I feel like I've been going directly against the suggestions to heal with as little discomfort as possible in an attempt to rush things along. That intense rage was probably an indication of going too far and not respecting my limits, not a reflection of healthy emotional healing. Interestingly enough it seems fear can also effect me in a way that causes me to take on too much at once and just crash and burn. So many self defeating behaviors under different disguises.
RE: EHPRA Journal - mat422 - 06-29-2016
So I managed to snag another job which has lifted my spirits. The time away from the forum helped me clear my head more and I've discovered what my sticking point with this subliminal is. Basically I'm trying too hard to control the outcome of what the subliminal does, I'm not trusting where it takes me. And sometimes where it takes me isn't pleasant and I think I'm doing something wrong. Too much judgement and analyzing, not enough letting go. Which is pretty obvious in some of my ramblings I go on here that pretty much amount to a dog chasing its tail.
A lot of my tiredness was really just due to me resisting heavily. The good news is the sub is so powerful eventually it steam rolls that resistance. The bad news is, it still points to me not fully accepting and trusting the subliminal as much as I'd like.
RE: EHPRA Journal - mat422 - 06-30-2016
I skipped listening last night to see how I felt and got exposure during the day instead. Deep sleep is really valuable, I sometimes question if I actually get that if I'm playing the sub at night.
Didn't get much deep sleep. Pretty terrifying nightmares actually. All centered around people just trying to kill me. It's weird because there were absolutely no monsters or supernatural things. Just humans being savages. Me running away and getting nowhere, you know typical nightmare stuff where you're just screwed. I also woke up in the middle of the night and felt like there was something in my room.
I'm going to skip listening tonight to see if it happens again. If it does then I think that points towards some deep processing that takes place in deep restful sleep and I should make sure at least once or twice a week I'm getting that.
RE: EHPRA Journal - mat422 - 07-01-2016
So no nightmares last night. I'll probably start listening again tonight to make sure I'm getting enough exposure in. But this post is gonna be more of a rant.
I had work yesterday and normally I try to time it just right so I get there right on time. But they were doing roadwork around where I live and I left a bit too early. Anyway, I had about 20 minutes to kill while waiting in the car. My anxiety was kind of bad at this point. I was just sitting there trying to relax and I honestly just felt like crying.
It wasn't that situation that made me feel that way. It's ALL the situations in my life up until that point where I've dealt with the same thing. The intense fear, the needing to push myself, the feeling that life is just an uphill battle for me. I'm so tired of all of it. What pains me the most is I feel like no matter how much experience I get, it doesn't transfer over. Meaning every new situation I go through the same thing. It's like living in a constant state of psychological torture.
I feel a great deal of shame dealing with this. Why? Because I feel like in comparison to other people's problems out there mine is very minuscule and seems petty. But for me it's just so chronic and pervasive it just wears me down to a point where I just have trouble enjoying life. And the irrationality of it all is what really kills me.
I guess E2 has been targeting another layer I had buried. The surface was cleaned up a bit to allow me to put myself in these new situations, but I guess I'm finding that there's still a lot that troubles me.
RE: EHPRA Journal - DisneylandUSA - 07-01-2016
Interesting insight; sounds like you are expanding yourself into 'outgrowing' your old self perhaps; We may grieve with crying when our old self slips away revealing a new self... it can be anxiety when this happens or a Big relief
RE: EHPRA Journal - CatMan - 07-01-2016
(07-01-2016, 06:43 AM)mat422 Wrote: I feel a great deal of shame dealing with this. Why? Because I feel like in comparison to other people's problems out there mine is very minuscule and seems petty. But for me it's just so chronic and pervasive it just wears me down to a point where I just have trouble enjoying life. And the irrationality of it all is what really kills me.
You aren't alone in this realisation don't worry...
You don't think that I feel a great deal of embarrassment and stupidity for using E2 just to get rid of fears/depression/anxiety/loneliness and general feeling of total inadequacy around dating and having sex with attractive little females I already know? While other guys on this sub have extremely abusive families, issues with the police, being homeless, been a soldier and went through extremely straining situations risking death, trying to cling onto sanity in such states. I feel completely ridiculous, cowardly, and foolish for running the same program as people like that, while I sit and whine about my first world problems. It's why I even feel somewhat embarrassed to journal online anymore. I whine about not having a girlfriend or having sex, meanwhile these people have battles like that waging...really makes you want to give your head a shake and wake up.
I'd say use this realisation to let yourself know things could be far far worse, and that you are doing much better than you realise. Hopefully, that will be enough of a reframing, using other's struggles, to pick yourself up and drive forward. That way, you can try to turn the whole experience into something positive, and beneficial.
Best advice I can give, as I too have had this realisation.