(12-19-2012, 01:51 AM)Shannon Wrote: Mat... you are so closely following in my footsteps it's scary. I had a lazy eye, and mine would switch off. I had surgery for it, and I was one of the first people in the world to get that kind of corrective surgery.

You also are doing something I have done a lot in the past, and that is trying to assume responsibility for everything, even if it's not yours. I used to get so upset because I thought I had to do everything perfectly, be perfect, be everything to everyone... and it was killing me. Then I had someone say to me, "Hey, Shannon, get over yourself. The world is not your responsibility. You're not perfect, and you never will be. And you cannot do a better job than the best you can do. Stop trying to be perfect, and be everything to everybody, and do everything perfectly. Perfection is a journey, not something you'll ever achieve in this life."

And when I truly understood that, and let go of that assumption of responsibility and demand for perfection... I let go of so much weight. I felt so free. And ever since, with an occasional exception when I forget myself, I have been so much happier.

So Mat... accept yourself. Let go of your insistence on always perfectionism. The world is not black and white, and nothing in it is either. All or nothing thinking always gets you in trouble.

I think you would do well using Overcoming Guilt, Shame and Fear, along with Forgive Yourself and Let It Go.

(12-19-2012, 09:35 PM)Shannon Wrote: You are not perfect. You'll never be perfect in this life. And nobody else is or will be either. In that you're no better or worse off than anyone else. In that, you are also no different than anyone else. And therefore, you have no reason to try to be perfect.

But as much as you understand that, it is a part of the personality type to strive for perfection, and that's okay. Just understand that you can only do your best, and then allow that to be okay.

You can switch to OGSF yes.

(12-20-2012, 03:45 PM)Sean Wrote: Shannon, tell me more about the lazy eye correction. I, too, have a lazy eye from bruising during birth. I'd like to correct it so I can see better (I lose stereoscopy when I'm tired due to the lid droop and the eye turning out)

(12-21-2012, 12:34 PM)mat422 Wrote: Listened to overcome fear guilt and shame last night. Still not sure if what I figured out today was a result of that or my switch in thinking these past few days.

Anyway. I don't think anyone ever told me it was ok to have fears as a kid. I mean every kid growing up is different, everyone tends to want to see the perfect mold of extroverted outgoing brave kids. Sometimes it just doesn't work out that way. I've realized that it's less about the fear for me, and more about what the fear means. In this case, I've always felt defective for not being able to measure up to a lot of other kids around me. So every time I've had fear triggered in my life it brought on feelings of shame and guilt for being that way. And I look at why I want fear gone from my life and realized that fear causes me to think of myself as less of a person. And it's a very bad cycle. They feed into each other and cause a loop that makes it almost impossible to escape out of.

I'm gonna say something I absolutely hate saying, but it's the truth. I care too much what people think about me. I've said in the past that I don't really care, but the truth is I do. Deep down I guess I'm terrified of what others think, but I think that's because I don't feel good about myself in the first place. So any further attention that could possibly be brought on myself just adds more fuel to the fire. And thinking about it, it's really only worrying about possible negative things they may say. And even then it's not exactly what they say to me, it's what I say to myself when that happens.

So what this all means to me is, my really harsh approach to getting better was actually doing the opposite. The more I got upset that I was afraid, the more I wanted to beat it, and the only reason I wanted to beat it is because I felt like less of a person for experiencing all of it and having trouble with it. Now I'm coming from a place of thinking that it's unfortunate that I'm afflicted with these fears, but I'm doing my best to get better and it's ok if some days I have trouble.

I think the most important thing I realized is that healing all of this has to start with me showing compassion for myself. That's what I was missing in the past and it stunted my own personal growth.

(12-21-2012, 10:04 PM)Shannon Wrote:

(12-21-2012, 12:34 PM)mat422 Wrote: Listened to overcome fear guilt and shame last night. Still not sure if what I figured out today was a result of that or my switch in thinking these past few days.

Anyway. I don't think anyone ever told me it was ok to have fears as a kid. I mean every kid growing up is different, everyone tends to want to see the perfect mold of extroverted outgoing brave kids. Sometimes it just doesn't work out that way. I've realized that it's less about the fear for me, and more about what the fear means. In this case, I've always felt defective for not being able to measure up to a lot of other kids around me. So every time I've had fear triggered in my life it brought on feelings of shame and guilt for being that way. And I look at why I want fear gone from my life and realized that fear causes me to think of myself as less of a person. And it's a very bad cycle. They feed into each other and cause a loop that makes it almost impossible to escape out of.

I'm gonna say something I absolutely hate saying, but it's the truth. I care too much what people think about me. I've said in the past that I don't really care, but the truth is I do. Deep down I guess I'm terrified of what others think, but I think that's because I don't feel good about myself in the first place. So any further attention that could possibly be brought on myself just adds more fuel to the fire. And thinking about it, it's really only worrying about possible negative things they may say. And even then it's not exactly what they say to me, it's what I say to myself when that happens.

So what this all means to me is, my really harsh approach to getting better was actually doing the opposite. The more I got upset that I was afraid, the more I wanted to beat it, and the only reason I wanted to beat it is because I felt like less of a person for experiencing all of it and having trouble with it. Now I'm coming from a place of thinking that it's unfortunate that I'm afflicted with these fears, but I'm doing my best to get better and it's ok if some days I have trouble.

I think the most important thing I realized is that healing all of this has to start with me showing compassion for myself. That's what I was missing in the past and it stunted my own personal growth.

Your growth and achievements make me proud to be able to watch you grow. You're always trying, and you don't give up. And in refusing to give up, you always make progress, even if it's not all at once. So nice to see someone who cares enough to make the difference, even for themselves. Keep going.

(12-27-2012, 12:09 PM)mat422 Wrote: I think I'm just gonna put in another journal entry because I just feel like it lol. I don't know, at this point in my life I'm so confused with everything. It's that transition period I think. Either that or it's this sub pulling apart the knots in my mind that have held me back.

Winter has been incredibly depressing here. I'm pretty sure I suffer from seasonal affective disorder. I'm going to a holistic doctor soon, get my blood drawn, see what they have to say about vitamins and such. But even during the summer or spring, things were kind of bleak looking. Just in winter it's amplified more. I don't know how some people live in this kind of weather 24/7, I can't stand it.

The other day I was doing laundry and putting stuff away. And I just had this terrible feeling. I had to stop what I was doing and just lay there for a couple of minutes. It was like this overwhelming feeling where I just needed things to stop. It's like I need to do something, but at the same time there is just no energy for it. Just on days like that, it's this feeling of wanting to escape somehow, but you don't have an answer.

But something I realized. I was looking at old childhood pictures of myself and I was a really vibrant kid. My mom also had a natal chart reading done for me when I was younger. I don't know how accurate it was, or if this lady knew what she was talking about. But she essentially said I was going to be incredibly outgoing and balanced, very strong and able to bounce back emotionally. Meh, some of those people just say things to flatter individuals with their readings, but what got me was her saying I was more outgoing business oriented in the future. Obviously things can change, but I wonder if my true nature has been covered up. She did also say that my ego could be very easily damaged, water sign or something, very sensitive.

I'm not really gonna base my life off of an astrology reading, especially because I can't know the validity of it. But it was interesting to hear about it. It just made me realize maybe I've been assuming I'm a certain way when I've really just had my nature twisted around and messed up because of negative beliefs and life experience. It's just important to remember to always be open to anything that changes, and to understand that expectations aren't always correct. Basically what that boils down to is, focusing on self growth and developing into the person who I am, and not someone else who I think I should be.

(12-27-2012, 12:44 PM)Subeternal Wrote:

(12-27-2012, 12:09 PM)mat422 Wrote: I think I'm just gonna put in another journal entry because I just feel like it lol. I don't know, at this point in my life I'm so confused with everything. It's that transition period I think. Either that or it's this sub pulling apart the knots in my mind that have held me back.

Winter has been incredibly depressing here. I'm pretty sure I suffer from seasonal affective disorder. I'm going to a holistic doctor soon, get my blood drawn, see what they have to say about vitamins and such. But even during the summer or spring, things were kind of bleak looking. Just in winter it's amplified more. I don't know how some people live in this kind of weather 24/7, I can't stand it.

The other day I was doing laundry and putting stuff away. And I just had this terrible feeling. I had to stop what I was doing and just lay there for a couple of minutes. It was like this overwhelming feeling where I just needed things to stop. It's like I need to do something, but at the same time there is just no energy for it. Just on days like that, it's this feeling of wanting to escape somehow, but you don't have an answer.

But something I realized. I was looking at old childhood pictures of myself and I was a really vibrant kid. My mom also had a natal chart reading done for me when I was younger. I don't know how accurate it was, or if this lady knew what she was talking about. But she essentially said I was going to be incredibly outgoing and balanced, very strong and able to bounce back emotionally. Meh, some of those people just say things to flatter individuals with their readings, but what got me was her saying I was more outgoing business oriented in the future. Obviously things can change, but I wonder if my true nature has been covered up. She did also say that my ego could be very easily damaged, water sign or something, very sensitive.

I'm not really gonna base my life off of an astrology reading, especially because I can't know the validity of it. But it was interesting to hear about it. It just made me realize maybe I've been assuming I'm a certain way when I've really just had my nature twisted around and messed up because of negative beliefs and life experience. It's just important to remember to always be open to anything that changes, and to understand that expectations aren't always correct. Basically what that boils down to is, focusing on self growth and developing into the person who I am, and not someone else who I think I should be.

I have no idea how accurate your natal chart is but in my experience even one done mainly with birth place, time of birth, and date of birth can be quite insightful.

Problem with people in general with astrology is that they "expect" everything to be absolutely exact. Most things in the world we measure are never exact and most views of the world and the things in it are "subjective" in nature.

Not trying to sell astrology to you but for me it helps me assess strengths and weaknesses in my character and talents/motivations in life. Some good things dont apply to me and some bad things in it dont apply to me either. I wouldnt plan my life around astrology. It would be too much at that point.

You seem very introspective like myself so it should be easy to see what things in any measurement device apply to you and also those that dont also.

(12-28-2012, 02:34 PM)Shannon Wrote: I suggest you make a sincere study of natal astrology for yourself, Mat. I believe you'll find it extremely useful for understanding yourself and others better. Don't rely on what someone else said about your chart without knowing for certain they know what they're talking about. You have no idea whether or not they had a clue what they were talking about, and you shouldn't judge astrology based on the lacking awareness of it's less skilled students.