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+--- Thread: EHPRA Journal (/Thread-EHPRA-Journal)
RE: EHPRA Journal - mat422 - 03-18-2016
Important lesson learned today. Sometimes the most confident thing can be admitting you're not as confident as you want to be. I really wanted to go into this job interview with no anxiety, but I still woke up this morning feeling a lot of that. Instead of fighting it I just accepted it and said to myself it's fine to be nervous. It didn't go away, but I told myself even if it went horribly and I messed up it's fine. Now that was liberating because the job interview no longer seemed like this thing where I was putting my self worth on the line.
The interview went well. Built up some good rapport with the guy I interviewed with. But for the first time in my life I used it as an opportunity to see if it was right for me, not just seeking approval from the hiring manager. And I determined if I took this job I would be in the very position I'm trying to avoid. Basically having the life squeezed out of me for the sake of profit and at the expense of my mental health. So I didn't even get an offer, but I decided I'm not working there. But I had my doubts. Suddenly my mind said "what about everyone else working here? You should work here too, you're just making excuses" But then I realized I was just comparing myself to others and not doing what's in MY best interest. People stay in crappy jobs all the time because of fear or some sense of guilt ridden loyalty but that doesn't make it right. I'm taking on an abundance mentality, I'm not going to settle for a job because I'm afraid of not having one.
I'm not even bummed that it turned out to be a dead end in my job search. If anything I'm grateful because I got to experience what it's like to turn down an employer for once. Well sort of, not like I got the job offer or anything but he seemed interested in hiring me. I just know it wouldn't be good for me. Plus the corporate tactics for selling just violate all my morals. No thanks. Let it be known that a lot of corporations will work you into the ground and not care about you one bit. But oh will they lie about it and try to put on a good face for the public. Makes me sick. I used to constantly wonder if I was just jaded but I see now you really have to protect yourself from their slimy manipulative tactics.
RE: EHPRA Journal - mat422 - 03-19-2016
This is gonna be a short one, but today I woke up and I thought back to a couple years ago when I had serious social anxiety problems. If you really like yourself and generate your own internal validation, that anxiety fades away. It's like all that comparing with other people just doesn't matter because you know you like yourself and that's all that matters. I'm honestly amazed at just how much I hated myself in the past. No wonder I had so much anxiety, it was like trying to constantly hide some deep dark secret whenever I interacted with people. It's funny because I always thought once I became super confident my insecurities would go away. But now I'm realizing a truly confident person doesn't worry about not appearing confident. A confident person understands they can't be perfect all the time, they'll make mistakes, they'll be wrong, that ultimately all that matters is their own life and not how it compares to those around them. That means it's alright if I can't be constantly improving every day, sometimes there are setbacks but that's all part of growth. In the end people are either going to like you or they won't and there is nothing you can do about it. No sense trying to force yourself to be someone you're not.
That being said sometimes I get down on myself because I feel like I'm not as productive as I should be. But I've decided to make it a goal to do at least 1 thing every day that will improve my situation, no matter how small. In general I've reduced a lot of pressure I was putting on myself to pull a complete 180 in my life in a short span of time. If it happens, good. If it doesn't, I'm still improving. In the meantime having that constant anxiety of needing to get better does nothing for my quality of life and if anything takes me away from the enjoyment of it.
For anyone wondering I think I'm averaging 12 hours a day on this sub. I've found that I don't get tired from it anymore and most of the time listening to it actually gives me energy. So if you feel like you could listen more I'd say go for it. In my experience it really helps me stay on target with what the sub is trying to achieve.
RE: EHPRA Journal - mat422 - 03-22-2016
Hit a bit of a wall lately. I notice when I'm listening to this sub I'll get these moments where I get hit with some increased anxiety. Like I'm getting at something but I can't tackle it all at once. In these moments I do my best to let go and trust, but it doesn't always work.
I think that's where I've been running into some trouble lately. I'm trying to make it work faster or do something to overcome this block. But I've realized it's just been stressing me out more and the best thing to do is to just relax and just keep working on it. It sucks but I think sometimes pushing yourself beyond your limits is really counter-intuitive. You get stuck in this really stressful mentality of feeling like you should be able to do something and when you can't it's more fuel for that feeling of letting things defeat you. That stress can prevent healing and delay things even more.
I think in general I'm making good progress. But I still have some of those self sabotaging behaviors that pop out from time to time that I have trouble catching if I'm not mindful enough.
RE: EHPRA Journal - mat422 - 03-26-2016
You read a lot about letting go when it comes to self help. I know I struggle with actually letting go of things. It's gotten to the point where I simply just try too hard. I'm so focused on the end goal of releasing whatever is bothering me that I completely ignore the emotions. Some thoughts and feelings get stuffed away and I think that I've let go of them when in reality they were stuffed under my conscious awareness. So it still gnaws at me, but now I don't even consciously realize it so it's potentially worse.
At this point in my life I realize how being a perfectionist has hurt me so badly. In order to avoid rejection I strive to perfect myself. I try to become invulnerable to insecurities, master my emotions, etc. It seems like I'm never ok with not being ok. Like I always have to be at the top of my game. If I could refine that drive so I still strive for great things, but don't get super critical about my shortcomings I feel like it would lead me towards success.
Recently I've noticed with my music that I haven't been taking the time to study other artists and learn and grow. And I was very blind to my shortcomings despite being a perfectionist. In a way I was under a delusion that I was better than I actually was. I wasn't finishing songs, but I told myself it was ok because my ideas were great. But that's not enough. There's so much more growing and learning I have to do. I can't keep being afraid and avoiding the hard stuff in music just to reinforce my ego.
RE: EHPRA Journal - mat422 - 03-27-2016
Sometimes I can't tell if the insight comes first and then the healing. Or if you heal and then the insight follows. Or both. So much stuff going on in my head, I have trouble keeping track of it. After that last post I've noticed a huge decrease in that need to be a perfectionist. Not in the usual way where I tell myself I need to be more aware of it, but more like being given the choice. I was listening to the sub this morning before getting out of bed and fell into a type of meditative state. I saw a path in front of me. One way was the perfectionism and self defeating behavior, I looked down the path and just felt that pain and suffering. The other path was possibilities and a life where it's ok if I'm not perfect and accepting my own humanity. I didn't feel compelled to continue to follow that path of pain and suffering like I did so much in the past. I realized it is a choice and there's another better way. But I was so deep in that emotional pain I couldn't see it. It might as well not have been a possibility for me.
Now I feel more compassion for myself. I knew the concept of compassion, I read about it many times, but putting it into action was nearly impossible. Whenever I think about how stuck I am in life right now or feel like I'm behind everyone else I tell myself it's ok. It doesn't make me a bad person. Instead of beating myself up when I'm not as good at something as I feel like I should be, I just tell myself I'll get better as long as I keep trying and where I'm at now is more than enough. I'll be honest I'm still not comfortable with it. It's hard to see myself as a person deserving of compassion when I have a tendency to believe I need to be a better person before I get it. But it's so much better not feeling that crushing weight on my shoulders of not measuring up to everyone else around me.
After a lot of this sunk in I worked on some music and I wasn't feeling that paralyzed fear that constantly gives me writers block. I wasn't worried about it being good enough, in fact I told myself it's alright if what I made wasn't good. It's part of the learning process. The irony of that is the more I let go of the need to be good at it, the better my music got. I feel like I'm getting back in touch with that initial feeling I had when I first got into music. Something that I lost once I started comparing myself to other artists too much. And I'm more in touch with my intuition when creating, I just trust that inner guide instead of worrying if I'm doing it right or not. Prior to this I was swamping myself in knowledge and books thinking if I just learned enough I could get around my writers block. But no amount of knowledge is substitute for experience. I always knew that, but still fear caused me to obsessively try to create the perfect piece of music so I could avoid the disappointment of not being as good as my favorite artists.
I feel like I've had some major growth over these past few days. The big one is compassion, without a doubt. I can't explain why, but it just makes sense to me now. Whereas before I had all these reasons that felt like objective fact why I wasn't deserving of compassion. That's when things are bad, when you're so deep in a hole things like self love and compassion seem wrong.
RE: EHPRA Journal - Sickologist - 03-27-2016
Nobody cares about your artistic mistakes but you. Even Chuck Palahniuk said he saw all his mistakes after his books were published. Everybody else thought he was a genius.
How many bad movies have you seen? My point is, they made them anyway. Some people even rate them...
RE: EHPRA Journal - mat422 - 03-28-2016
(03-27-2016, 12:19 PM)Sickologist Wrote: Nobody cares about your artistic mistakes but you. Even Chuck Palahniuk said he saw all his mistakes after his books were published. Everybody else thought he was a genius.
How many bad movies have you seen? My point is, they made them anyway. Some people even rate them...
Really good point. I'll definitely be keeping that in mind from now on.
RE: EHPRA Journal - mat422 - 03-29-2016
Had another job interview today. That's two in one month, something that was beyond my capabilities a few months ago. I was really calm on the days leading up to it. Normally I'm dreading the whole thing in advance, but this time I was so chill about it all. But when I was driving there the anxiety really kicked in. But I noticed it was just anxiety, that cycle of negative thoughts wasn't swirling in my head. This leads me to believe that I have a sort of Pavlovian response to fear that needs to be broken. Overall I cared about making a good impression, but I didn't care that much. Meaning it didn't feel like that life or death situation that it used to feel like. If I screwed it up, it's whatever, I'll have other opportunities.
But it could have been something else. I didn't mention this but about a month ago I got t boned at an intersection. Ever since then I've been having a lot more anxiety about driving. And today I had to drive into a city for this interview. So it was a lot going on at once for me. Probably a lot of residual trauma from that accident.
That's about it. But I've noticed I've been dropping words when typing out long responses. Which is funny because usually I'm really worried about doing that. But lately I'm just like eh whatever. Probably all the processing going on in my brain from this sub.
RE: EHPRA Journal - SargeMaximus - 03-29-2016
(03-29-2016, 02:00 PM)mat422 Wrote: But it could have been something else. I didn't mention this but about a month ago I got t boned at an intersection. Ever since then I've been having a lot more anxiety about driving. And today I had to drive into a city for this interview. So it was a lot going on at once for me. Probably a lot of residual trauma from that accident.
That's crazy, it's like, the exact thing that happened to my cousin a few years ago and yeah, he was scared for a while when driving afterwards. Especially around interections.
But it sounds like you're doing better. A bit more relaxed which is good.
RE: EHPRA Journal - mat422 - 03-30-2016
(03-29-2016, 02:12 PM)SargeMaximus Wrote:(03-29-2016, 02:00 PM)mat422 Wrote: But it could have been something else. I didn't mention this but about a month ago I got t boned at an intersection. Ever since then I've been having a lot more anxiety about driving. And today I had to drive into a city for this interview. So it was a lot going on at once for me. Probably a lot of residual trauma from that accident.
That's crazy, it's like, the exact thing that happened to my cousin a few years ago and yeah, he was scared for a while when driving afterwards. Especially around interections.
But it sounds like you're doing better. A bit more relaxed which is good.
Yeah it's pretty unpleasant. Once you get in a really a bad accident you start doubting how competent the drivers on the road are. Or how irresponsible they are being by texting or using their phone. Some of them are just so delusional and think they are more capable than they actually are. It's scary when you think about it.
RE: EHPRA Journal - Shannon - 03-30-2016
My first car accident radically changed the way I drive. I am now much more cautious, and I tend to plan ahead a lot. Switch lanes far in advance, slow down earlier than other people, give myself more space to buffer, etc.
This has resulted in me getting in accidents so rarely that my insurance rates are extremely low, and they go down every year. Most people on the road aren't taking it seriously that they're driving a 2,000+ pound potential death machine. You have to take it seriously for them.
RE: EHPRA Journal - Life - 03-30-2016
I wonder do you drive a pussy magnet? Lol
RE: EHPRA Journal - mat422 - 03-31-2016
(03-30-2016, 06:00 PM)Shannon Wrote: My first car accident radically changed the way I drive. I am now much more cautious, and I tend to plan ahead a lot. Switch lanes far in advance, slow down earlier than other people, give myself more space to buffer, etc.
This has resulted in me getting in accidents so rarely that my insurance rates are extremely low, and they go down every year. Most people on the road aren't taking it seriously that they're driving a 2,000+ pound potential death machine. You have to take it seriously for them.
Yeah I've been in the car with my brother a few times since the accident and he's criticizing me for waiting for an opening at a left turn. He's still under the assumption that because there is gap you can make it across. But people are so unpredictable you never know what that other driver is doing and it's safer to wait. Plus everyone is always in such a rush. It's not only dangerous to themselves, but when they rush other people too it causes accidents. I swear some kind of primitive instinct kicks in when people drive.
On a completely unrelated topic, today feels like one of those days. I've been making a lot of progress, but I still have these moments where I feel so far away from getting to where I need to be. Old issues pop up and I think to myself "this again? I thought I moved on from this". But if anything it's taught me the need to be completely honest with how I feel. As crappy as it feels to go through it, I'd rather go through it several times over until it's completely healed than be dishonest with myself and tell myself I've moved on.
I think I might just be a little burned out from the job interview and city travel and need some time to recollect myself. Probably gonna go hiking this weekend if it's nice out. Nature always seems to center me.
Oh one more thing, it's on the subject of fear. This is going to sound completely irrational but I've realized I have a fear of losing knowledge. I've been making a lot of progress with my music and part of me thinks I'm just getting lucky and one day I'll lose all this ability and knowledge I've built up and be back at square one. Crazy I know. I think that's why I have a tendency to read as much as possible on this stuff. I feel like I need to have a sort of safety float in the vast sea of knowledge because I don't trust myself to make decisions. But that presents it's own problems when that obsessive research stems more from fear than the actual exploration of new ideas. Something that I've been learning to separate these past few weeks.
RE: EHPRA Journal - mat422 - 03-31-2016
This is a quick update because I felt I should mention it in case anyone else can relate to it when running this sub. A lot of the time the emotions I feel are felt in layers of intensity. For a while I've been stuck on the surface level, where it feels like it's all over my body. Sort of stuck in what I'm feeling and not moving beyond it. But lately when I go much deeper inside myself, don't really know how to describe it, I feel these small concentrated dense feelings throughout my body. The ones that are the most prominent are in my chest and my stomach. Occasionally I'll feel it in my throat as well. It's almost like getting to the source of those more surface level emotions I feel. It's also bringing awareness to how the real problem isn't the story tied to these feelings, it's just the energy of the feeling itself. It's like diving even deeper into my internal world.
I'm wondering if this is just areas of my body where the emotions are stored and I'm just starting to release them now. Sort of like getting a deep tissue massage and these are emotional knots of balled up energy.
Anyway it just made me realize how much deeper all this goes than where I was putting my attention at before. Words can't describe what these feelings are, but they are there. Just one of those things that's an experience that makes you realize language only touches the tip of what we feel as beings.