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+--- Thread: Adri's SM2/Gay Men Journal (/Thread-Adri-s-SM2-Gay-Men-Journal)
Adri's SM2/Gay Men Journal - Adri - 09-21-2014
So here I go. SM2/GM is started! After some time with EPRHA to heal me emotionally about a breakup, I've chosen I would go with SM before BASE.
Here's my current state:
- When I see a good looking guy, I don't take any action. I would prefer to approach him and start a conversation, that would be much better!
- When I do decide I will approach a guy, I have a lot of anxiety. But I do it anyways.
- Every time I approach a guy feeling anxious, I get "rejected" (sort of, he just cuts the conversation short)
- I need to feel desired by other guys
- I have 3-4 guys in mind I would like to do things with, but I don't think they are as interested in me as I am in them.
- I don't feel I have what it takes to be attractive to some guys
- I know I am attractive (people tell me all the time that I am good looking), it's just that I don't think I can attract guys more attractive than me
- Had no sexual experience (apart from some guys masturbating/sucking me, but nothing more than that)
Now this list isn't exhaustive but it will give me a way to look back at where I was when I finish SM.
What I want to accomplish:
- Feel comfortable around any guy
- Being able to seduce any guy I want to seduce (... if they are gay of course, but being able to seduce straight men would be a nice addition!)
- I want guys to approach me and try to seduce me
- I want to get better sexual performance, even tough I have no point of reference to judge my current sexual performance
- I want other gay guys to look at me and be jealous of my success with other guys
- Approach guys easily
- Feel no anxiety when approaching guys
- ... and many other things I cannot think of right now
DAY 1
Woke up with a glowing feeling around my body. Felt good. I have a kind of excitement glow a little bit below my belly button. Apart from that, nothing else to say.
RE: Adri's SM2/Gay Men Journal - Ricardo - 09-21-2014
I didn't know there was a gay version of SM SM/GM? Anyway good luck with it.
RE: Adri's SM2/Gay Men Journal - Adri - 09-22-2014
Yep, we do have a gay version
DAY 2
Went to university today. There's a good looking guy in my class. After the course, he was waiting the bus not far from me. He was alone. I thought about speaking with him a little bit, but didn't do it.
Body language becoming stronger, can feel the movement of my shoulders becoming more fluid.
Nothing else for today, bye
RE: Adri's SM2/Gay Men Journal - Adri - 09-23-2014
DAY 3
Wow very bad day! I dreamt I was speaking with a mentor of mine and suddenly I felt I couldn't move anymore and that something was taking control of my body. I tried to shout but my voice was a demon voice and instead of shouting I said in that demon voice "I am a spirit!". It was the thing that was taking control of my body speaking. I tried to repress it as it was entering my body. And then... it was gone. I was fully awake in my bed, not knowing if this was a dream or for real. I still don't know at this moment. Demon possession isn't part of my belief system and I generally used to make fun of it. But I can tell that it was pretty vivid, so I don't know what to think. I will go for thinking it was just a bad dream, and if it happens again, well we'll see what happens.
Went to University. Spoke to nobody, I am completely antisocial. Tomorrow I will try to force myself speak to people, I cannot stay alone all the time. even if I like it, it does not serve me.
Looking at every hot guy, and trying to please them in complete neediness. This is one of my big problem.
Sex drive is increasing, I can feel it!
RE: Adri's SM2/Gay Men Journal - Ricardo - 09-24-2014
(09-23-2014, 01:52 PM)Adri Wrote: DAY 3
Wow very bad day! I dreamt I was speaking with a mentor of mine and suddenly I felt I couldn't move anymore and that something was taking control of my body. I tried to shout but my voice was a demon voice and instead of shouting I said in that demon voice "I am a spirit!". It was the thing that was taking control of my body speaking. I tried to repress it as it was entering my body. And then... it was gone. I was fully awake in my bed, not knowing if this was a dream or for real. I still don't know at this moment. Demon possession isn't part of my belief system and I generally used to make fun of it. But I can tell that it was pretty vivid, so I don't know what to think. I will go for thinking it was just a bad dream, and if it happens again, well we'll see what happens.
Went to University. Spoke to nobody, I am completely antisocial. Tomorrow I will try to force myself speak to people, I cannot stay alone all the time. even if I like it, it does not serve me.
Looking at every hot guy, and trying to please them in complete neediness. This is one of my big problem.
Sex drive is increasing, I can feel it!
Sounds like a touch of resistance / subconscious fear of being a man magnet. I've had dreams of not being in control doing AM but they do go away if you just plough through.
RE: Adri's SM2/Gay Men Journal - Adri - 09-24-2014
(09-24-2014, 03:57 AM)Ricardo Wrote: Sounds like a touch of resistance / subconscious fear of being a man magnet. I've had dreams of not being in control doing AM but they do go away if you just plough through.
My demon didn't possess me this night
So I am quite convinced it was just a bad dream... and yes, I think SM goes against a lot of my beliefs which are holding me back in the freedom I could experience in my relationship with guys. So that would be a good explanation. Don't know if this is the true reason behind this dream, but nobody will ever know, so I'll take it DAY 4
Point 1
Feeling like I need to speak to people. Trying to push me doesn't help, it's like the structure of my life is holding me from meeting new people.
For example: I have a friend who I am spending my whole time with because we are in the same faculty. What happens is that we always sit next to each other, but doing so, I close my opportunity to meet new people.
So what I need to do is tell her that I want to sit next to new people... but I need to say that to her in a way that will make her not feel bad (she's very very sensitive)...
But I need to meet new people, I feel it.
Point 2
Neediness at it's best. Have spotted a few gay guys in my year (we're like 400 people!... and only 5-6 gays from what I know
). I was sitting on the row just before where one of those guys was sitting and I was always thinking about "What can I do to please him? What can I do so that he finds me attractive? etc."It's very annoying! This is one of the reasons I am running SM, this neediness is driving me crazy. It's like me shouting "Look at meee.... pleaaasee..... be attracted by me......"
Point 3
Sex drive. Wow! That's all I can say. It's becoming stronger and stronger. I'm starting to imagine what I could do with some guys in my class... pretty intense sex. Making me semi-hard in class, and with skinny jeans well it does show up if you know where to look
But that's pretty nice, I can feel that this sex drive can be sent outside of my body, like a sex glow surrounding me. It's not a very intense glow atm but I can tell you that only at day 4, sex drive is quite high compared to where it was before! I'm wondering how it will feel like at the end of this stage... pretty awesome!
That's all for today, have a nice day
-Adri
RE: Adri's SM2/Gay Men Journal - Adri - 09-25-2014
DAY 5
My mood is getting better. Had fun today, which was becoming seldom. Still stayed next to my friend but had fun with other people around me. I'm not where I would want to be, I would want to feel more social freedom than I currently have but it's getting better.
Body language still improving.
I now take care of myself more than I used to (I did take care of myself a lot before, but this is reaching new heights). Have new hygiene routines etc.
My behavior is changing in some situations, cannot remember one specific example.
RE: Adri's SM2/Gay Men Journal - Adri - 09-25-2014
Just went on FB and found out one of the guys I suspected to be gay was indeed gay... but had a boyfriend. And it was a shock for me... wanting to cry for the mere fact he's already in couple!
Now I have some emotional issues because when I was young I saw all the other people around me being in couple. And because I wasn't going out with someone, I felt like a failure.
And since those days, I spit on every couple I see. I tell to myself "Oh they won't be together for long", "they don't really love each other", ... and I hope that their couple will fail!! And then, I hope that when their couple fail, he'll become in love with me and that I'll reject him, so that he feels as bad as I felt when he was in couple!!!
This is very very mean!
I would prefer to send them wishes of long lasting, ever present love in their couple. But I don't come from that place of abundance.
And there's another part of me that tells me "You'll never find love like them for yourself".
I hope that using SM and getting abundance will shift my view of that.
I have used PSTEC on the feeling I had when seeing he is in a relationship, lowered it quite a lot but I still have my bad thoughts running...
This problem is a true problem for me but well, it will get better
PS: Do you know if a PSTEC program could help me with dealing with that? PSTEC works great on me.
RE: Adri's SM2/Gay Men Journal - Ricardo - 09-29-2014
Your thoughts are almost exactly like I used to think. It usually goes off while you're in a relationship (unless it's not really someone you want) but is unfortunately a deeply rooted mindset. AM6 is addressing it well for me and I'm hoping that after AM and subsequent WM I'll be totally indifferent to other's relationships.
In the same way I'm sure SM/Gay will get you so overwhelmed by hot blokes you won't care either!
RE: Adri's SM2/Gay Men Journal - Adri - 10-03-2014
DAY 13
Things are becoming more noticeable.
- I want to have sex! More and more my drive is increasing
- I'm becoming more fun etc. but the last 2 days, I felt so tired that I wasn't really in the mood. But anyways, I can feel I'm becoming more fun.
- I've realised today that I need to talk to people a lot! That's the one thing holding me back! So on monday, I'll be talking to everyone around me in the campus.
- I waaaant to go out sooo much !!!!! Will be going out tomorrow and plan to socialize like never. But... Every time I've said something along those lines I didn't do it. But yet, I feel such a drive! I believe I'm gonna do it! I'll push myself to do it!
- Neediness is still there... sadly
- An other gay guy of my class was sitting with a guy i never saw in the class before. That's because it's his boyfriend (or what I believe to be his boyfriend). Made me feel bad, like the last story I posted. But I'm working on it! Soon I'll be bulletproof to those kind of things!
That's it for today, see ya
-Adri
RE: Adri's SM2/Gay Men Journal - Adri - 10-03-2014
Hey Ricardo, I'm working with PSTEC on it. Making small but noticeable improvements
RE: Adri's SM2/Gay Men Journal - Ricardo - 10-19-2014
(10-03-2014, 08:16 AM)Adri Wrote: Hey Ricardo, I'm working with PSTEC on it. Making small but noticeable improvements
Anymore updates on the SM front?
RE: Adri's SM2/Gay Men Journal - Adri - 10-19-2014
Hey Ricardo, yes lots of updates but don't have a lot of time to write everything down. I'll try to find a time later in the week. What I can say though is that this sub is really great, more on that later
RE: Adri's SM2/Gay Men Journal - Adri - 10-23-2014
---- Stage 2 ----
Day 33OK this first month has been awesome. Here are the results I've got so far:
- I am very sociable with everybody. Still have approach anxiety for some guys because I cannot find ways to start an interaction with them while respecting "social norms".
- I have 3 potential guys that want me! Never had so much guys into me at one point in time.
The 1st one is obvious he wants me. But the problem is I do not like him sexually. He would make a good friend though. Another guy is a friend of one of my friend (she's trying to make us go out together ). And the last one is a guy that is in the same class than me. He looks at me furtively and he likes everything I post on the FB group of our class. Haven't spoken to him yet but I am attracted to him. I need to find a way to start interacting with him.
- Self-love! this is amazing. I cannot not say to people how awesome I am. I do it in a non-jerk way of course, more on a funny tone, it's just an effect of self-confidence I think. And people love it apparently, which is great.
- I think about sex and men all the time. All my discussions go back to sex and men in one way or another.
- My work at University is taking a hit because I value my social life more than the work I need to do. I am trying to rebalance the both because if I do not do it, I may fail my semester, which is not something nice.
I need some recommendation if someone has experience with that type of situation: I had a drink with the guy I said who is really into me. Went great but I feel he wants to make things move further, which is not something I want. He wants to get another drink with me next week.
How can I stop him right in his trajectory? I don't want to hurt his feelings, he's a really nice guy and we would really be a good friendship match.
The only solutions I have on my mind are:
(1) I tell him I'm not interested but that of course I want to remain friend with him or
(2) I make him understand in a subtle way by asking him if he's got someone on his mind at the moment.
-If he tells me yes, I ask him who. If he responds that this person is me, I stop him and tell him I didn't thought about our relationship in that way.
-If he responds no, I ask him if there are no handsome guys at his school, thus dequalifying myself as a potential partner.
What do you think about those approaches? Which one would you recommend? Have you got other suggestions? it's the first time I am faced with that type of situation
That's it, hope stage 2 will be even more great
-Adri