(02-04-2019, 04:37 PM)whome Wrote: [ -> ]Fuuuuuuck.
I thought the cold would be just sinus inflammation and sniffles over the weekend, but a serious shiver is taking me out to the point where I'm cancelling all of tomorrow, going to bed early, and sleeping in.
So, A, fuuuuck, I have to cancel the last appointment with my somatic healer who is disappearing for a few months, and
B, fuuuuck, this is now a problem with DMSI.
Over the weekend was my three days off. Now I'm back on, and I know that my subconscious reacts very poorly to DMSI. So:
1. Do I listen to DMSI, keep ASRB2, but add the stress of a rebelling subconscious while I'm sick, or
2. Do I stop listening to DMSI, and focus on getting better?
Fuuuuuck.
1. Don't let getting sick become your subconscious's "go-to" resistance tactic to get you to stop.
I hopped into bed at 8pm last night, and started playing the 8 loops of DMSI. What started at that point was super unsettled sleep. I floated in that space of half-awake and half-asleep, and the experience was very similar to that of a bad drug trip. (All my drug trips have been bad, so I know.)
At about 2am, before the loops were over, the popping of the radiator and the discomfort were too much, so I put in earplugs. I instantly fell into a deeper sleep and started dreaming.
I woke at 11am, used some nose sprays and refilled the humidifiers, but since I've already taken off work, I'm heading back to bed.
I'm open to running DMSI at a high volume through earplugs, despite not knowing how the attenuation works, but "powering through it" and "not letting my subconscious win" isn't me. I can't do it.
Actually, more on suffering.
A few years ago, I noticed that the self-hatred part of me encouraged me to let myself suffer. They are tied together; physical discomfort comes together with emotional pain and feelings of worthlessness.
So I decided that, as an act of self-love, I would not allow myself to suffer. That I wouldn't consider it "noble" or "what I deserved". That's when I started getting the ketamine treatments. I've since stopped with those, but at the time the shutting off of the emotional pain and stopping the suffering was one of the biggest gifts I ever gave myself.
So, DMSI.
I'm finding that when I do 8 loops overnight, I sleep so poorly that I have to classify it as suffering. While I understand the reaction of "it's resistance so don't let it make you stop", I can't agree. The fact that I have to
choose between my own health and doing DMSI only hammers home the point.
I can hear some of you say "don't let your subconscious win!" The harsh reality is that it's shown me that it
already has. It owns me. I'm its bitch. Attacking it head-on in a way that has it cause me suffering is something that I will not do. I can allow suffering for a limited time for the greater good. But something like this, where I will be suffering into the future for who-knows-how-long? No.
So my plan is to take a break from DMSI until I'm well. At that point, I will be trying approaches to DMSI that break ASRB. Maybe three loops at night and then five loops during the day. If that still causes my subconscious to hurt me, I
will break the instructions and do fewer loops, to find the level at which I can run the sub without getting hurt. I know that it won't provide optimal feedback for @
Shannon but I hope that he can get some useful feedback.
I'm aware that this may cause some of you to think less of me. That I'm not tough enough to stick it through, that I owe it to Shannon and you (and myself) to keep going no matter what. You know what? I'm OK with you thinking less of me. But I am choosing to not suffer, and right now that's all that matters.
(02-05-2019, 09:57 AM)whome Wrote: [ -> ]I'm aware that this may cause some of you to think less of me. That I'm not tough enough to stick it through, that I owe it to Shannon and you (and myself) to keep going no matter what. You know what? I'm OK with you thinking less of me. But I am choosing to not suffer, and right now that's all that matters.
I seriously doubt anyone is thinking that!! Get some rest and take care of yourself!!
(02-05-2019, 10:29 AM)4Kingdoms Wrote: [ -> ] (02-05-2019, 09:57 AM)whome Wrote: [ -> ]I'm aware that this may cause some of you to think less of me.
I seriously doubt anyone is thinking that!! Get some rest and take care of yourself!!
Thank you.
I find it hard to think otherwise. The standard answer is "keep at it": 3.3.1 isn't showing results like 3.3 was? Keep at it. 3.3.1 is causing your subconscious to crush you?
Keep at it.
I can't keep at it. It's not like "oh, I'm not feeling it, so I'm convinced I should switch", it's "I literally can't sleep at night and wake exhausted and in emotional pain". And I don't want to say "no" to Shannon, but have to.
I hope no one thinks less of me that I can't keep at it but it pokes at the part of me that is convinced that I'm a disappointment to everyone, or at least the part of me that sees me as a disappointment to myself.
Do you, man. I answered your original question with how I'd approach the situation. Now, it seems, you already had your mind made up, but wanted someone to let you off the hook. I don't think less of you for it. It's tough when you feel that bad.
I understand the pain. Minus the major sleep issues, I've been in considerable emotional turmoil recently. I've felt the difference between using USLM and DMSI. Whatever is resisting while using DMSI, it's nasty. But I keep going - which some people may think is stupid. But hey, my life, my decision. So don't feel bad about your decision. Own it.
Taking a deep breath. Let me get over this cold or whatever it is, and I'll be back.
I'm not asking you to suffer. I'm not trying to make you suffer. I'm trying to understand how your subconscious reacts to a program that tells it to be what makes you sexy, and why it is trying to make you suffer in response. If the suffering gets to be more than you can handle, by all means, try doing something differently.
Why does your subconscious think you deserve to suffer?
(02-06-2019, 11:07 AM)Shannon Wrote: [ -> ]Why does your subconscious think you deserve to suffer?
(BTW I'm trying my best to put myself into words; apologies if it's confusing or doesn't quite make sense.)
"Suffering" and "deserving to suffer" seem to me to be different.
I don't current see my subconscious as thinking I deserve to suffer. I see my subconscious causing my suffering, the pain in my chest and my overwhelming sad emotions as a way of showing its displeasure and fighting back.
As for the "I deserve to suffer" bit, it seems more less-conscious than subconscious (I'm not sure where to draw the line). The kids at school were mean, my family was mean, and the pain in my chest came up, and the suffering began. Eventually my mind tried to make sense of their actions, and it said "you're ugly" and "you'll never have friends" and "girls don't like you", and that would cause even more pain and self-reinforcing of the pain.
But the pain itself would need explaining, so my mind would say about the pain, "well, that's the harsh reality", and I would wallow in the pain every time it came up. That's the deservedness, me surrendering to the pain as it was too difficult to fight.
That's what I'm trying to extricate myself from. If the pain is coming from something like indulging my thinking of "I'm ugly", I'm doing my best to stop thinking that so it doesn't hurt. But this pain apparently also is a tool from my subconscious fighting back, and when it comes up, it starts self-reinforcing with thoughts and pulling me down with a force I can't fight. And then I start hearing my young voice in my head that I "deserve" this pain, which only makes it worse.
So that's why, when I feel pain, and I hear myself say that I "deserve it", I've started to back out and shut off whatever is the root trigger of the pain.
Okay, so let me explain to you what's going on then.
DMSI/FRM is encountering these things that you're holding on to that conflict with your goals in using DMSI, and it's trying to make adjustments. The part(s) of you that hold these beliefs are trying to avoid the adjustments by pushing harder into those things you're holding on to, which causes you pain consciously, and it's doing that so you will stop trying to change the things that cause you pain to begin with.
In other words, it's having your subconscious try to punish you by forcing more pain in order to dissuade you from doing what will change the things that hurt, because it basically knows two things are true:
1. If it causes you enough pain, it will get it's way.
2. If it doesn't get it's way, the FRM will win.
It's a form of "scorched earth" resistance tactic.
The problem with my subconscious going "scorched earth" is that it wins. I don't have the emotional strength to push through it, even knowing consciously what's going on.
I'll be restarting DMSI with various adjustments to see if I can make my subconscious fight back less. I'll be reporting exactly what I do, and what happens. I hope that data will be useful.
Last night I ran a playlist of an hour of silence then five loops of DMSI. The plan was to do three more later today.
What happened was that I woke emotionally crushed (both numb and in pain), and for much of the morning kept catching myself imagining jumping into a wood chipper, both to feel the excruciating pain and to have it stop. It was a cuddle morning, though, and with the soothing of the cuddler it took about an hour to get the grief to turn off.
I think I jumped back in too quickly. I'm going to take a real break until I'm feeling better, as I'm not sure if this emotional crushedness was DMSI or the remnants of my illness or both.
And then I have to wonder if it'll be better to ramp it up from nothing.
I haven't yet restarted DMSI.
At first it was because I was still feeling the cold and not yet healed. But then I read Shannon's post about rebuilding LTU to be more gentle (and to include an "improve your love life" module) and it felt like it was probably the right thing to do. I've been waiting for the LTU5 release.
Meanwhile, I saw @
Tigerismyspirit's post:
(02-14-2019, 06:00 AM)Tigerismyspirit Wrote: [ -> ]Thanks for your response, Shannon. In that case, what would you suggest these people do?
and I felt a connection. I don't think my life has taken the same turns as his, but I'm feeling the same frustration and grief about DMSI. Shannon's reply about LTU being a better fit feels right to me too.
So when LTU5 comes I'll give it a whirl. I hope it's kinder to me, and we'll see what the love life module does.
(01-22-2019, 07:46 PM)whome Wrote: [ -> ]The main thread is all "you think you have it rough and are complaining about 8 loops a day? we used to listen to our subs 21 hours a day".
Sigh.
I'm not complaining, I'm still trying to figure out how to do it. I've been trying to switch from sleeping with earplugs to my new Kokoon headphones. I could go back to using earplugs and do ultrasonic on my phone. I could put in a wire to my Kokoons (since no one seems to like Bluetooth for these subs), turn off noise cancelling, and do the masked subs. I could run the ultrasonic track on my Phantom all the time and get extra hours in that way. Options, options.
The current plan that I have is to wire the Kokoons and play it from my phone. The problem there is that I'm not yet good at sleeping in the Kokoons, and that's already disrupting my sleep, so how will adding DMSI to the mix alter things? Who knows. Sigh.
I'm going to take tomorrow and Thursday off, and then starting with Friday (or really starting with Thursday as I go to bed) I'll start the 7+3.
[Edit: on my iPad, of course, because my phone needs to plug in to recharge and it has no headphone jack. AAaaaaaaaargh!]
[Edit: OK, the Kokoons aren't going to work with a cord. If I use them without turning them on, then they're just sound dampers and I can use ultrasonic on my phone.
The reason I liked listening at work was because when I sleep I have something blocking my ears, and I don't know how it attenuates the sound of the sub playing. When I listened at work, at least I knew that I could listen with good headphones. I don't see that as a good option any more.]
I thought you had to listen to all the subs for 21 hours per day! I'm listening to E2 for that long. Am I making a mistake in doing so?