I'll try to keep a journal of sorts again. It is going to take some getting used to once more since I haven't kept one in a while.
For different reasons I decided to go back to LTU and 5G. To get the good vibes back, to understand and see improvements/differences compared to the 5.5G version later on, to take a break from the constant energy drain of 5.5Gs in general, etc.
Well, so that's that. Time to get things started.
Here are a few observations that stand out in comparison to 5.5Gs in general: I experience increased mind chatter, which was almost non-existant on 5.5G no matter what specific program I ran. I welcome this, since I realize that I draw inspiration, creativity and motivitation in part from that uncontrolled thought-cloud. At the same time some of my mental bandwith seems to be freed up, there is a notable decrease of the spacy/trance-like state that is synonymous with state shifting for me. This trance-state, experienced over extended periods of time, disconnected me from my social environment. Depending on the sub and listening duration sometimes only a bit, sometimes too strong. Thus I take in more of my outside world instead of just letting it slip by.
Another thing is that deeply symbolic and crazy dreams made a comeback last night. I tended to not have them while on 5.5G.
Another night of intense fear and fighting dreams.
Followed by the worst day in a while. Anger and frustration directed at myself. I am disgusted by the happy mask I created for myself over the past year.
(09-27-2018, 05:43 AM)Raz Wrote: [ -> ]Another night of intense fear and fighting dreams.
Followed by the worst day in a while. Anger and frustration directed at myself. I am disgusted by the happy mask I created for myself over the past year.
Are you going to run LTU 5.5G when it comes out? It sounds like it will be an incredible program.
(09-27-2018, 06:13 AM)THolt Wrote: [ -> ]Are you going to run LTU 5.5G when it comes out? It sounds like it will be an incredible program.
Yes, that's the plan.
A LOT of anxiety and fear is welling up inside of me. I'd like to say that I'm surprised and perplexed but somehow I am not. I guess there has been a lot more going on under the hood with those 5.5Gs than I consciously noticed. It's not pleasant but I appreciate the head on possibility to understand more about myself and my inner demons.
Last nights sleep was mixed with half-awake episodes and lots of thinking. Got a handful insights about myself, like how I hold everyone in my life at arms length away and don't really open up to anyone despite being completely open about my past with everyone. It's a bit of a paradox, but it ultimately makes sense. I value my past self but not my present self. So much so, that I even refrain from being really honest with myself. Interesting but at the same time disturbing. I still seem to have a massive inferiority complex.
Another thing that became clear is that I am a negative person with a convincing mask that fools every person around me to think that I am a unshakingly positive and happy person. Just the way this mask was intended. Now they say that if you wear a mask long enough you will eventually become that mask. But in my case it's not what has happened. Instead I stopped thinking negative thoughts for extended periods of time but without my thought-space being automatically transformed into a positive one. The negative thoughts simply went quiet and as a result I think less. My underlying persona stays the same, while the superficial positive thinking/being is just another way to prevent change. Or maybe I can put it another way by borrowing from the Japanese concept of Honne and Tatemae (I'm probably using this not correctly, but nontheless): Honne represents the personal feelings and wishes, the uncensored self, the sum of who you are within, flawed and biased and everything. Tatemae is the sum of positions and behaviors you show in public. How you want to be perceived. Tatemae represents my mask. Instead of changing my Honne, I readjusted and polished my Tatemae. I can even fool myself with this act. And so it all comes to acceptance. And even deeper to a lack self-acceptance, self-esteem, self-confidence, self-worth and so on. Hello inferiority complex.
This is only day 4 of LTU. Kinda makes me feel like I wasted more than a year on the wrong subs.
My introspection stopped since anxiety and fear stopped welling up.
Things are going well. At the moment I see some changes in assertiveness paired with me being somewhat more cocky.
I still notice how I have more available mental bandwith compared to running a 5.5G. I may be more tired in the morning than usually but my thought-space is also much bigger than it has been for many months. This translates effortlessly into increased motivation and more action.