Subliminal Talk

D-Day

Game on!

D+1

Back from hobnobbing with the cognoscenti at the gasoline supply and distribution company and, lemme tell you, not a moment too soon. Totally knackered, and passive assimilation of a silent subliminal while drowsing through Netflix is about all I can take.
The beeping of the microwave is a siren song calling out to me. But, even one day in, I feel the burgeoning of the life force within me, the promise of something more.

Monday. Lundi. Don't be surprised if this gets going down deep that I start writing in French.

Au revoir!

D+2

'Sup mo peeps??!!

Ah, the joys of working from home! But for those who suffer the pernicious voice of, dunno, John Wayne Gacy incessantly prating in their ears could question that such an advantage of all that modernity has called forth by progress!

Down to brass tax ... this has been a freaking tough 18 months to 2 years running on, and I have a lot invested in trying to get it together, and not only for myself. Really started feeling it about 6 months ago when stress gave way to some serious anxiety, anxiety coupled with nightmares that are just unremitting. Not that this is any great thing, but I'm good at partitioning things and putting a good face on it, but energy/motivation is for sh*t. Some health issues put me out of running for some time, and it's proving really tough to get back into it, especially facing a New England winter. So, if you can bear with me, I'm 100% committed to LTU. And if it works for me, God as my witness, it will work for anyone. Anyone have any $, job, child visitation, writing projects, health stuff going on? How 'bout it all? Seriously. Then, you know what I'm talking about. And life is about way more than getting through or copping onto some false hope or fantasy.

So, I'm pushing it 11 hours minimum a day. When I can, I hope to add an additional 4 or 5. Also, hoping to listen on headphones for as much of the 4-5 as possible.

It's way to early to give any meaningful assessment, but I will say that I've felt more balanced the past couple of days. Perhaps, it's better to say that I'm not feeling the "fight or flight" impulse quite so much or quite so acutely, and, hence, I don't need to tamp it down and feel the burn.

One last thing -- I've resisted any sort of journal or log in the past because I've felt, right or wrong, it would sap energy from other writing that I'm trying to finish up. However, I do see some real value in this if someone in a similar situation is deep in it and going out of his or her mind. Previously, I'd tried (and partially succeeded) at changing aspects of my life listing to a number of subs. Only this past weekend, I arrived at the idea that while there's much that I would like, or would like to accomplish, I can have/do if I'm basically going through life in a panic or completely drained/decathected like a zombie. My hope -objective, if you will- is to get back some of my old resilience and make some significant life changes, realistic ones at a reasonable/methodical pace. I hope for more than that, everything great to come easily, but at this point "great" is something I'm not sure I could even define.

D+3

Quick a.m. note ...

Definitely feeling this one, something that seems to be a property of the 5Gs (pronounced property, anyway). Sometimes, I get a real lift, an almost euphoric feeling, then, sometimes, some anxiety. Desire to move, to do things. This a.m. got a yen to finally wrap my mind around "dark matter" and "dark energy," go figure. Procrastination, pounding four cups of coffee might factor in too

D6

Rough couple of days, man. And these were days off, days to GET IT DONE. Apart from a dentist appointment and getting the tires rotated, it was pretty much The Offspring at full blast and darts. Add a few bags of Doritos and, dunno, maybe a Bruce Lee film or two, and it could have been like a time warp back to 1987. Good thing about having a rich inner life.

I did get a second interview for a job next week. That would be a step in the right direction.

D7

If LTU gets me through the "Yankee Swap" tomorrow, I'm sending Shannon an envelope stuffed full of unmarked $20 bills.

"God save us, everyone!"

D10

So, divine providence intervened in the form of an 11th-hour work crisis, as such, the Yankee swap was averted. Not the parting of the Red Sea, I reckon, but at this stage I'm not one to complain.

It's remarkable the "grace under pressure" one has when one is totally and completely disaffected/decathected from what one is doing. Not a great way to live, but one that does grant some perspective. I've read quite a bit about internal resistance, but what's become increasingly of interest to me is the resistance one faces on the outside, by others, if one is trying to change. It differs by individual, but I'm sure that some people here, say, doing AM or maybe AC must see that. LTU, I think, is pretty chill inasmuch as I feel like I'm not so much trying to storm the walls of the Bastille as slip silently into the night out of some Turkish prison. How's that for raising the bar?

In other news ... perhaps it is too early to tell, but I do feel a greater degree of balance and, significantly, growing resolve to work to improve things. I'm a big one for instant gratification, so the notion that I might have to do more work than I've already done to get anywhere imparts a sense of commitment/obligation that's feeling a little blase. To the point, I'd prefer "Tiffany" and "Amber" to show up at the front door with a bottle of Captain Morgan's and help me work through my "issues."

D+15

The dulcet hum of the microwave nuking my burrito reminds me of wherefore I embarked on this journey of self-enrichment ...

Little wiped out after clocking a near 12-hr day in the office. But, knock on wood, I think I'm noticing some positive developments. Things have been pretty intense the past few weeks, serious things with family I can't get into. Things I didn't see coming. In terms of tangible developments, I've done a far greater job at dealing with conflict, not merely in terms of assertiveness/self-restraint but, really, trying to be forthright and honest in dealings. To the last point, I've had to admit to myself where I've been both pretty ineffectual and, dunno, possibly self-righteous (not exactly on point, but something like that).

So, my knee-jerk responses to conflict have been meliorated, I think for the best. Significantly, my overall attitude and demeanor is a little more balanced, and I'm definitely seeing this reflected back positively.

Energy and motivation is still pretty low, but I had really crashed at some point. And there's plenty that just freaking blows that would have Tony Robbins sticking his head in the oven. Thing that is difficult to take, which has me looking forward to the OF 5 (after a few months) is that at some point over the past year/18 months stress gave way to anxiety that gave way to some form of dread/trepidation that, honestly, feels a hell of a lot more like shell shock given the primal fight/flight nature of the experience than anything garden variety. Limbic system/reptilian brain crap. There is a prehistory to this (prehistories plural, I suppose), but this plus the nightmares are still holding me under water. How it feels. Still, 2 weeks in, thinking I'm seeing some improvements that do matter.