Alright this is definitely working for me. 3rd day in now. Listened for about 10-11 hours last night. Couldn't sleep that well though, maybe to do with the subs but might also be to do with the fact that i tied up two socks together to wear like a band to keep the headphones from coming off and one of the knots was pushing against my forehead creating an irritation
So could be that. When I did fall asleep however, had some interesting dreams that I couldn't make sense of at first but it just clicked while I was having breakfast thinking about it; the dream that I could remember anyway, pretty sure I had more dreams but can't really remember them properly.
The ones that remember, I was at my mom's Aunt's house where I grew up at during most of my childhood because my mom was busy with her job and my dad was abroad. I wasn't my child self though, I felt like I had the physical body I have right now but I still felt like I'm 'small' or like a 'child'. Anyway the place was different, I walk to the back of the house to find out two cages one has a wild cat like this:
![[Image: Foto5la.jpg]](http://www.ptank.com/bucket/catsynth_images/Foto5la.jpg)
and the other a magnificent lion.
As I moved closer to check the cat's cage, it growled at me and banged on the cage with its body. I got scared and moved back a bit and the cat kept banging on it with its body; I moved further and further and the fucking cage broke. It was out and coming at me, I jumped back and climbed the nearest thing I could climb which was this metal net above me and the fucker was jumping up to try grab me with its paw so I kept moving and climbed on to a wall that is higher. There was a lot of climbing around and moving from wall to wall to stay away. I was scared but I loved it at the same time, it was weird. Anyway, after a while my mom's uncle came to the back of the house and saw that the cat was out, he wasn't scared of it at all and was ordering it to go back into the cage. Somehow suddenly 3 baby squirrels fell down from the roof and they started to scatter, I knew the cat was going to go for them so I jumped down and the cat ran after one squirrel as well that was the furthest away from me, it went through this door/curtain and when I opened it I saw it swallow the squirrel. There was one right between us and I quickly grabbed it and started running back, picking up 2 more squirrels that fell right then as I was running and climbed up the wall as it ran after me. I looked back and my granduncle had stopped the cat and was asking it to go back into the cage, then he kicked it and I felt bad for it. After, glaring at it as it had its head lowered as if to say "I'm sorry", he picked it and took it to the cage; it was licking his hand while he was carrying it.
Then as I was climbing down from the other side of the wall with the squirrels the fucking lion broke out of its cage, and in a flash I climbed back up the wall so fast that I climbed way higher than I needed to. Then my granduncle put it into the cage as well and asked me to come down, I gave him the squirrels then looked down to climb down and I could feel my palms and feet become cold/sweaty because I was so far up. I was like why the fuck am I scared, I used to do all this when I was a kid. And climbed down. That's all I remember of this dream.
The other one I don't remember that well, but I believe this was linked to the dream I already explained and was the prequel to it. I was at this very fancy house with a pool and a nice view, which now that I think about it is actually a differently built and a modernized front side of my grandaunt's place. The highlight was that there were many moments where I was feeling nervous but then suddenly it was taken over by a feeling of confidence and not giving a fuck and relaxing. I was next to this beautiful woman who was older than me and the group of people that were there moved away to do other things and talk to others; it was just us two and I looked at her and we made eye contact and smiled, I was sort of nervous but wanted to ask her to dance and I felt that she wanted me to ask as well. Then we got up and she had the most beautiful ass I'd ever seen in real life, she was wearing these tight shorts and it was perfect. I was surprised when I noticed she was in a position, with her ass sticking out, to dance where I'd be behind her. She started grinding on me while putting my hands in her groins and all I wanted to do was fuck her brains off sooooooo BAAAD hahaha. Then this weird thought came to my head and I wanted to ask her if she was married or has a guy. This guy started walking towards us while we were dancing and we stopped dancing; she said something to him and looked at me, both of them smiling. I don't remember what happened then, but I think I walked to the back of the house after that to the cages.
Hahahaha fuck this was like a story. Probably the longest post I've ever written.
Anyway what clicked in my mind was that. I used to be this super confident kid that faced challenges, spoke my mind freely, had an amazingly creative imagination and did all kinds of crazy shit, not caring what anyone said. I used to climb trees and roofs to pluck mangos and guavas, and used to do all kinds of parkour kind of stuff when I was around 4-8 years old. Man it was amazing, I loved those years. All that climbing in the dream represented all that and the cat represented my confidence that was out of the cage and was running wild and free when I was a kid that pushed me to do those things. Then just like the cat, I got beaten by my mom for doing all those crazy things cuz she thought I might end up harming or killing myself hahah and I became more confined, caged; i believe this is where the fear of letting the cat out was instilled, which was shown by it eating a squirrel. I have a caring side to me that fears that I might emotionally harm others if I became super confident and self driven, but I've realized that I'm not doing anyone a favor or being fair to anyone by staying this way, specially to myself. A wild cat eating a squirrel isn't bad or good, it's just natural, I don't mean this in a way where that it's okay to prey on the weak, but that doing what you want and going after the kind of life that you want is natural; speaking up for yourself, being confident, determined, and living the life that you want is natural, it shouldn't be harming anyway rather it would actually be helpful to you and society because it's the lack of expression of the life you want that creates all the negativity and chaos in you that is reflected in society.
I also used to be a very horny kid hahaha, I didn't know what it was back then, but I used to masturbate at the age of around 4-8 as well. When I was in kindergarten I used to kiss girls and used to love doing it. I remember being a very sexual kid hahah, then it all went away some how and I think it's to do with the society and cultural norms, regulations and rules that I was exposed to. Which is what I linked with the way I was in that dream when the woman was grinding on me, I was surprised by how she was already in a position to grind where as I thought I'd have to lead into it and then even though I was so turned on and attracted to her, I was in my head trying to distract myself and not accept the sexuality that was oozing out of me to make sure I'm being a 'good' boy according to society; always trying to avoid conflict and seeking perfection till I know that when I take action there are no consequences.
I realized that I shouldn't be afraid of the cat or the lion, and it's about time I set them free and embraced them again because they are a part of myself that I had caged and confined inside of me. Funnily enough, it's the caring and fearful side of that got me to this place that showed me that this part of me was missing, is locked inside of me and how important and invaluable it is. I also need to own up to my sexuality and sexual nature and embrace the fuck out of it. Time to let the Lion out! ROAR!
Oh and THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH for reading it all. I'm grateful!
