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(10-23-2014, 07:04 PM)AlphaMind Wrote: [ -> ]I have followed your journals and can't find a damn thing of what you want. What do you REALLY want? Put that in to small steps.
Let the sub do its own thing. EPRHA have slipstream. The latest breakthrough for resistance. Beside, why would you focus on the shitty things in your life? What you focus will magnify. You know it.
Wasting your time dude. Matt wants to wallow. Let him.
(10-23-2014, 07:04 PM)AlphaMind Wrote: [ -> ]I have followed your journals and can't find a damn thing of what you want. What do you REALLY want? Put that in to small steps.
Let the sub do its own thing. EPRHA have slipstream. The latest breakthrough for resistance. Beside, why would you focus on the shitty things in your life? What you focus will magnify. You know it.
All I really want at this point is a steady job that I like and enough money so I don't struggle financially. And enough free time to pursue my music.
But pursuing those things won't make me happy because the problem is internal, not external. And that's what I'm trying to fix with the sub.
You have a copy of AM 5.0, run it again and don't run away.
If you're demanding the sub to tackle internal things then don't run away. It is like a seed. It takes time. Either way: AM 5.0 or MLS + TLAM combo with consistency.
(10-24-2014, 10:46 PM)arik23 Wrote: [ -> ]I think you should go with EPRHA, LTU or AM6
I found yesterday that there is such a thing called E.Q
Emotional Intelligence.
You should read about it here:
http://m.helpguide.org/articles/emotiona...telligence
There are 3 IQ, EQ & ESQ. To get a very detailed evaluation of intelligence take Multiple Intelligence.
Mat, I recommend that you stick with EHPRA - and find ways to defeat your subconscious efforts to "miraculously turn down the volume" and similar type things. Tape the volume knobs if necessary.
In fact, if you're having that negative a response to EHPRA, just think of how powerfully it is affecting you, and why: you cannot run away. Your subconscious is tryoing desperately to do anything and everything it can to save you from those fears and traumas it does not want to deal with, but you know that noting will get better until you do. What would I do in your shoes?
I would turn up the volume even more. And listen to it 21 hours a day. And whenever I felt upset, I would sit and experience that feeling, and explore why I was feeling it. I mean, really explore it. Find out why it's there. Ask yourself, "Why do I feel this way in response to a program that is trying to help me heal?" Then wait for your answer in quiet meditation on that question. Fully experience your responses, and accept them. Understand them as the terrified cries for safety of an inner child who is overwhelmed with fear and probably trauma. Consciously give yourself permission to heal, to release, to move on, to be successful in your efforts to heal, and to free yourself of what is holding you back. Then... let go of the fear, the pain, the nausea. Release them.
I also sometimes talk to my inner child. In rare cases, I will experience feeling sick, or terror, or resistance so strong that I have to recognize it and talk to my "inner little guy". I know what age I was when I was traumatized for each of these responses. Most of them come from the 3 and 4 year old me. That child got stuck because of these experiences, and sometimes, when he is forced to deal with them while I as an adult am accomplishing my life's goals and dreams, I have to recognize and comfort him.
"Hey, I know you're afraid, but it's okay. We've got this. We can do this, I've got your back. I'll never let you get hurt like that again, and I'm always here, see? You're afraid of something that is long gone, and it can't happen anymore because you have grown up into me, and I have the power to prevent it from ever happening again. Together, we can do anything. I understand how you feel, but it's time to let go of that. It's gone and done with, and you're safe with me now. Come on, let's go change the world!"
I haven't had to give myself talks like this very often - perhaps three times. But it really helped me release some serious fears and resistances. Perhaps it will help you too. But no matter what, don't stop chipping away at the progress. You can't hide from improvement forever.
(10-25-2014, 05:38 AM)Shannon Wrote: [ -> ]Mat, I recommend that you stick with EHPRA - and find ways to defeat your subconscious efforts to "miraculously turn down the volume" and similar type things. Tape the volume knobs if necessary.
In fact, if you're having that negative a response to EHPRA, just think of how powerfully it is affecting you, and why: you cannot run away. Your subconscious is tryoing desperately to do anything and everything it can to save you from those fears and traumas it does not want to deal with, but you know that noting will get better until you do. What would I do in your shoes?
I would turn up the volume even more. And listen to it 21 hours a day. And whenever I felt upset, I would sit and experience that feeling, and explore why I was feeling it. I mean, really explore it. Find out why it's there. Ask yourself, "Why do I feel this way in response to a program that is trying to help me heal?" Then wait for your answer in quiet meditation on that question. Fully experience your responses, and accept them. Understand them as the terrified cries for safety of an inner child who is overwhelmed with fear and probably trauma. Consciously give yourself permission to heal, to release, to move on, to be successful in your efforts to heal, and to free yourself of what is holding you back. Then... let go of the fear, the pain, the nausea. Release them.
I also sometimes talk to my inner child. In rare cases, I will experience feeling sick, or terror, or resistance so strong that I have to recognize it and talk to my "inner little guy". I know what age I was when I was traumatized for each of these responses. Most of them come from the 3 and 4 year old me. That child got stuck because of these experiences, and sometimes, when he is forced to deal with them while I as an adult am accomplishing my life's goals and dreams, I have to recognize and comfort him.
"Hey, I know you're afraid, but it's okay. We've got this. We can do this, I've got your back. I'll never let you get hurt like that again, and I'm always here, see? You're afraid of something that is long gone, and it can't happen anymore because you have grown up into me, and I have the power to prevent it from ever happening again. Together, we can do anything. I understand how you feel, but it's time to let go of that. It's gone and done with, and you're safe with me now. Come on, let's go change the world!"
I haven't had to give myself talks like this very often - perhaps three times. But it really helped me release some serious fears and resistances. Perhaps it will help you too. But no matter what, don't stop chipping away at the progress. You can't hide from improvement forever.
Thanks so much Shannon. I really needed this. A lot of the time when I hit those blocks of fear and trauma, I'd respond with guilt and shame, sometimes even hatred. I never saw those responses as an echo of my inner child that needs compassion. I saw them more as failures of myself and my inability to move past my issues.
I'll definitely start doing this and continue to listen to EPRHA.
Finally some positivity from one of my journals. Shannon, your post really made something click inside of me. I can see a huge error I came across when I was around 16 and first dove into meditation and mindfulness practices.
Growing up I guess I had an aversion to feeling my emotions. Probably because they were painful and I had no compassion for myself. I turned to methods of letting go of emotions and ideas like being an observer. But my letting go was actually a clever form of suppression. I had deluded myself to believe that I had gained mastery over my emotions when it couldn't have been further from the truth. The worst part was after a while these emotions were completely invisible to my conscious mind and I'd behave solely from my instinctual responses. I'm beginning to understand what it means to experience an emotion and let it go.
In addition to that I feel like I'm getting in touch with my humanity. Which might seem like an odd idea to some people. But I had a very consistent habit of deeming negative emotions as wrong and every time I experienced them I had failed in some way. I only wanted positivity. Experiencing the full range of emotions is what it means to be a human, but that doesn't mean you have to be controlled by them.
Hmm this is tough. I'm trying to find a balance between allowing myself to experience my emotions vs getting caught up in them. And more importantly becoming attuned to what some of them mean and trusting my own intuition. I feel like emotions can be a sort of compass or guidance system for your life, but if you shut down and stop paying attention to them it's like you're navigating without knowing where you're going. My path has always been a little different, so it's tough trusting what my gut tells me at times because there's a lot of pressure to conform to a certain way of doing things. I think a lot of that is stuff I internalized over the years as a kid growing up. Just a constant feeling of being wrong, but not knowing why and not having the self awareness to realize it doesn't make me less of a person.
Anyway I've noticed my depression has gotten better once I started listening to what my feelings were telling me. And I've been feeling more grounded lately too. I hadn't realized how spaced out I was a lot of the time as a way to distance myself from my emotions. Small improvements, but I feel like I'm headed in the right direction.
So I've decided to ditch my antidepressants. Starting today I'll be slowly weaning myself off of them.
I've realized that I tend to see the good in a lot of people. In a way I'm an idealist. So naturally I assumed that there were some good intentions behind ADs. But after doing more digging I've realized it's just about the money. And I didn't want to accept that. Even though these drugs can help people I've come to realize that it's more of a desperate attempt to solve something than a concrete answer. I had a hard time accepting that someone could be so greedy and forgo the well-being of millions of people on a drug who's long term effects is largely unknown.
On top of that I have been getting increasingly numb to my feelings and I don't like it. So I'm listening to my own body and following my own gut instinct.
In a way I am glad that I at least tried these things because now I know what they feel like and that I wasn't missing out on much. It has also taught me to trust my own instincts instead of the opinions of authority figures.
Still coming off the antidepressants. So far I've been feeling better. I've started practicing mindfulness again. I'm learning how to allow the flow of emotions in my body without interrupting them. I was really bad at this because I'd constantly judge what I was feeling and tell myself I shouldn't feel that way. Basically a form of resistance, which just prolonged the internal discomfort because I wasn't processing it. It's like I was watching it from outside my body, an unhealthy distancing of my emotions.
And speaking of resistance, I've realized I exhibit it in three levels. First level is restlessness, I'll get fidgety and have this feeling of needing to do something else. Second level is actually procrastinating, where I act on that feeling of needing to do something else and distract myself. Third level is when I push past the procrastination and actually focus on what I need to do, I get incredibly tired or depressed. Like my brain tries to shut down and says ok that's enough, go take a nap. So I've been trying to break those habits lately. It's funny because sometimes when these feelings pop up I think I have to meditate on them in order to let go of them, but the meditation is just another form of distraction and just a way to get me away from the thing that's making me uncomfortable. These subtle tricks are a real pain to deal with, I don't always catch them. It's probably why I've posted a lot of negative stuff in the past, instead of meditating I'd write about it which gave me that subtle dopamine hit that made me feel better. But it never really solved much.
Finally I joined a gym and started working out. So that's been helping with my energy levels and stuff.
All my shortcomings and problems I need to fix, there's really no simple answer. The more I improve, the more layers of myself are revealed and show just how complex everything is. Pinning it all onto one label like depression isn't gonna solve anything. And constantly going inside myself searching for answers isn't the greatest idea either, I'll just drive myself crazy. For now I'll gladly take the improvements I've made and just focus on continuing on getting better.
Sometimes I have this feeling of wanting to be myself, but not feeling like I'm able to. For as much progress as I've made there's definitely still a part of me that's not comfortable with being who I am. It almost feels like I'm shedding layers of negativity to get to my core self, but I'm just not there yet.
The other thing is I'm not above societal pressure. It's not so much that I give in to that pressure, it's more like I'm not strong enough yet to stand up to it and forge my own path. It's almost like this void that people get sucked into or maybe some of them don't care, but I do. I feel the pull of it and I'm constantly trying to get away from it because I know it'll make me miserable.
That's abstract as hell and it's not filled with actual examples of what I'm fighting. But it's there.
And I guess that's the biggest issue. The whole system just feels wrong. But I can't just go live in the woods, that's running away. And I can't just angrily rebel because that anger will only eat me up and contribute to nothing. The only clear cut answer for me is to be strong enough in my convictions and beliefs in order to live my life how I want to live it.
Well here goes a sort of stream of consciousness rant. I've been in the self improvement game for a while now. Tons of methods, techniques, theories, etc. At one point I was a full blown addict, bouncing from one thing to the next searching for a solution. Nothing ever made much of a meaningful impact.
But last night as I was about to go to sleep I just gave up and let myself feel whatever I felt. I stopped worrying about thinking positive or being a strong person. I stopped putting so much pressure on myself to fix myself. I stopped resisting my negative feelings, and acknowledged how I truly felt. I think with men in particular it's sometimes hard to let down your guard, even when alone. We're always told to be tough and fight and not give in to "weak" feelings. Anyway, there was a sort of wave of emotions and then a feeling of draining in my chest. Like all the painful stuff was being dissolved away. It was a good feeling. Unfortunately I can't say that this made a huge impact in my life, but the following day I didn't feel as weighed down or like I was fighting every second of the day.
The thing I took away from this was that I had a false belief that I had control over my emotions, when really I was just exhibiting a form of repression. I realized things leave when they are ready to leave, you can't force the process. And it only caused more internal struggle when I fought against the negative feelings I had. Part of me still wants to be this super human being where nothing effects me in a negative way. I think it's just a reflection of not being comfortable with being a human being and having flaws. So now I just focus on letting myself feel what I need to feel and trusting that my subconscious knows what to do to resolve it.
There's a certain fear when it comes to fully feeling my emotions. I worry that if I allow it, I'll get sucked into it and stuck. Or I'll lose control. But I've found as long as my intention is to release it, fully experiencing it doesn't cause any issues. It's only when I hold the belief that it's a permanent feeling that I run into trouble, but I've come to realize that all things pass if given enough time.
" Truthfully I jumped the gun with the poison in my body statement in my last post. Side effects do suck and having a foreign substance in my body is less than comforting. But I can't deny that it's helped me immensely. I think it even helped me put up less resistance when I was running the emotional pain relief and healing sub. "
One man's poison is another mans cure in this case. I personally appreciate your honest description of what you believed and thought it did. And it does contribute to my (I really wish it wasnt) realized self fulfilling prophecy. (that means there are substances you can ingest that increase your dominace vs submission ratio)
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