Subliminal Talk

Well today wasn't the most productive day ever, but it was at least a little peaceful. My mind is distracted at the moment with a focus on my health, so its brought a little relief in some areas and worry in others. Fortunately for me health worries are far less troubling even at their worst than the emotional ones. I am going to take the emotional break while i can. I just feel so worn out in every direction.

Just when i thought there was nothing else i could fix and tinker with on the business i finally find some inspiration where i didnt expect it. Thank you now if only my other question could be answered so easily. Guess i will just have to wait. Today is looking up i guess..

Day 23: i find myself a bit confused emotionally. Im scared that in a few days ill have to make the call i dont want to make. I feel confused wondering if all the recent events that transpired were the result of an experiment. Im scared over my health. I really just wish i had a shoulder to cry on at least, but the person id want cant come. I find myself both becoming more stable and also at the same time far more sensitive. My resistance to subs is fading drastically. I find mysrlf being more and more ok with not being in control even if im scared. I wish i could ask for a little help and comfort to know whats up with my health, but im afraid of just making things worse. I know i need to let it play out and nothing is going to change the answer, so logically i just need to wait. The waiting scares me a little though.

On the bright side i am finding that i am starting to sleep normally again. I still feel close to him even though he isnt here with me, i know he must still love me because he sure has been watching out for me. It brings me small comfort, and i do hope that i see him again. Hopefully its for the right reasons when i do. I find myself no longer needing him in my life, but yet i still very much want him there. I find myself naturally giving myself to him even though i am under no obligation to do so, or need for it. I have come to know that i can do all the things i thought i needed others for. I am finally confident i dont need anyone but myself. I hope soon i can be with him not because i need to, but simply because i love him and want to be.

Well i found a little peace this morning looks like i have a new place to escape to. The water always has been a spot that i have loved. I included a picture for you all. Looks like the biggest part of my battle is over, or so i am hoping. I think ive finally understand "the lesson" im a ways from mastering it, but at least i get it now

Well today i decided that i needed to make myself feel better so after riding somewhere around 10 miles today on my bike i actually feel quite good. It may well have been more but thats just a rough estimate. I have a new idea for my business, and need to gather some information before i can totally plan it out. Im not sure how feasable it will be yet but i guess we shall see i discovered today that bike riding is actually quite therepudic. Well maybe not discovered, but actually became more aware of its effects on me. I also got the chance today to spend some time out at my step uncles ranch all in all its been a decent day so far. My productivity for today has been focused on achieving a balanced state of mind and sense of peace. Yes i still have bills to worry about etc, but i am becoming confident that they wont be difficult to manage soon enough. I feel a definite shift in my energy. I am no longer in the realm of i can'ts but rather a renewed sense of i can. It seems that alot of my pain is melting away. I feel it leaving me with just a sense of love and acceptance. I find myself content with what i have. I also feel confident in goals priorities and wants. I am finally becoming who i should have been all along, i am finally aiming to push myself to the limits of what i am capable of and then a little more. I dont feel the urge to be lazy anymore. I finally feel like a grownup for the first time in my life. I thought i knew what it meant to be an adult, but i was still looking from a childs perspective. Now i am here the world seems different. I am actually thankful and enjoying this experience. It was a bit of a rough start, but now i can see the effort as being worthwhile. Finally i get it

I feel myself tested once again. My health has made me quite tempted to do things i shouldn't. This time though i am actually quite surprised at how well i am handling it. I was "told" i would have another test. Maybe this is just a test to see if id screw up again. So far so good. It would be nice to pass a test for a change, especially seeing as much as i screwed up previously. I feel very different now. These changes are really starting to take hold and change my life. I hope i have another chance at certain things, but ive also accepted that i shouldn't expect one. I made mistakes im growing out of, but that doesn't mean i am any less guilty of the mistakes i have already made. The only thing i can do is learn from them, stop repeating them and move forward. Looking back i really do wish we had cuddled more. Maybe one day..

So here is my final thoughts for today (i think lol). I finally have found some balance and peace. My health is continuing to be cause for concern, and if it continues will leave me facing the challenge of finding a competent doctor that is close enough for me to get to who also takes my insurance. As for the emotional side of things i feel stable and at peace. I stil have regrets, some sadness and hopes, but they are all within "normal" ranges now. I think most of the major adjustments have been made now, and the rest is fine tuning. My fear of not being in control and fear of vulnerability are no longer present to the point i can notice them aside from extreme situations. I no longer feel any resistance with subs at all, and that certainly has me sleeping better too. I am finding though that i am on occasion pushing myself too far physically to the point where i am not sure if i am just fatigued from doing it, or if i am overdoing things to the point i am hurting myself. Either way i have gone from not getting out of the house at all to riding/walking for miles. I am alot more active physically. I no longer have a scale so im not sure how i stand in that area. Overall im not sure how much more major improvements i have left, but looking back i have come incredibly far. So anyway im going to try to get some rest for the evening and recuperate. Hopefully i can discipline myself enough to stay off the forums and rest, but i doubt it lol

Day 24: i actually slept really well last night and feel energized for today. Tomorrow maybe ill have some closure about my health, who knows, guess we will have to see. I am becoming calmer even about my health. Things in general seem to be bothering me less and less. My dreams last night showed a second chance with the man i love. I wonder if it was just wishful thinking or something on the horizon. Either way its clear to me that my heart is his, and its because i want it to be, not because i need it to be. Well anyway i need to go see what i can get done today. Business is still slow and im not going to pay the bills just sitting here. I have to go out and make something happen.

I was heading out to the park and i noticed a homeless guy i had seen before over at the gas station. I for some reason felt compelled to get him something to eat. So even though i didnt really have any money to spare i decided to get him some pop tarts. I feel so full of love and goodness this morning. my energy really is shifting! I also had a vision on how id want to change the world, but it will take a whole lot of research or being patient and hoping the person who could help me comes back into my life.

Ok, so i guess today is another weird day lol. I was sitting at the park, and not much at all was happening when suddenly i get the gut feeling to go to the mall. I figured that maybe its not such a bad idea, maybe i can sell this ring ive been trying to get rid of. So i finally get to the mall and finally find a place that deals in silver. After everything they offer me $1 for the ring. Needless to say i at this point was pissed off. So far it seems like this was a wasted trip. Maybe my gut was wrong or there is something i haven't figured out yet. On the bright side though i noticed that my emotional attachment to the mall is gone. I am no longer ready to start crying at every memory. Maybe that was the point? It seems a little odd to drag me on a 2 hour bus ride to show me that i can walk into the mall without crying at the thought of him. Guess we shall see.

Day 25: Well i was wrong about my health issue, and part of me is glad that i was. But i guess the question is what really is going on. Guess things will be ok though and its time to stop worrying and just relax. I still have to figure out why im not making sales yet, and that should be my priority at the moment. Its 5:30am so i suppose i should go back to sleep.

(05-04-2014, 05:58 AM)jennielee Wrote: [ -> ]Day 20: i have now successfully figured out what i did wrong each of the times ive screwed up. Now i have identified it I can change it. Its fear of submission and fear of not being in control. I still find myself slipping back to the same thought patterns, but this time i am actively replacing them and consciously changing them and stopping myself when i find myself having thoughts about finding ways around the rules, about not being accepting and trusting of the way things are. On a conscious level i know that his timing has always been right, and his advice and reasons have always been right. I am currently working to stop my fears from controlling me and causing me to act in ways i shouldn't. I really wish i had his help in all this, but i know thats not possible. Part of the point of all this was for me to figure out things for myself. Its a rough road, and its this way because i missed the exit for the easier one. Perhaps at the next exit i can take a road thats less painful. The only way im going to get there though is to focus on wisdom and success. So anyway its off to another day at the park. Maybe today i will actually be able to talk to someone.

It's good you've found a behavioural trait of yours that was holding you back and have changed it to improve your daily life. Try listening to EPrha with headphones and notice the powerful changes and sensations it produces for you. Who do you mean by him? And how's the success with your sales job going?

Thanks

Fonzy

(05-09-2014, 02:27 AM)Fonzy3 Wrote: [ -> ]

(05-04-2014, 05:58 AM)jennielee Wrote: [ -> ]Day 20: i have now successfully figured out what i did wrong each of the times ive screwed up. Now i have identified it I can change it. Its fear of submission and fear of not being in control. I still find myself slipping back to the same thought patterns, but this time i am actively replacing them and consciously changing them and stopping myself when i find myself having thoughts about finding ways around the rules, about not being accepting and trusting of the way things are. On a conscious level i know that his timing has always been right, and his advice and reasons have always been right. I am currently working to stop my fears from controlling me and causing me to act in ways i shouldn't. I really wish i had his help in all this, but i know thats not possible. Part of the point of all this was for me to figure out things for myself. Its a rough road, and its this way because i missed the exit for the easier one. Perhaps at the next exit i can take a road thats less painful. The only way im going to get there though is to focus on wisdom and success. So anyway its off to another day at the park. Maybe today i will actually be able to talk to someone.

It's good you've found a behavioural trait of yours that was holding you back and have changed it to improve your daily life. Try listening to EPrha with headphones and notice the powerful changes and sensations it produces for you. Who do you mean by him? And how's the success with your sales job going?

Thanks

Fonzy

As far as who he is, he is the man that i love with all my heart. He is the man that i hurt because i was still immature and didn't figure things out fast enough. He is the one man that has had my heart in such a deep and profound way i don't think i could ever love anyone else again. He is the man that i would give anything to have in my life again. He has changed my life in amazing ways for the better. Because i screwed up several times i fear i have lost him forever. He is the most amazing man to ever walk into my life and i still beat myself up for not seeing the obvious sooner.

As for the sales job, its actually me starting my own business. As of the moment i am still trying to get things moving. I have redone pricing, photography, and descriptions etc but i feel i am still missing something. I have a grand total of 2 sales since starting about 2 weeks ago. I have been out trying to promote things, although im not seeing any fruits from those efforts yet. The one person who i would ask for help is the same man i lost, so im on my own. I just wish that one day ill be lucky enough to have him knocking on my door again.

Edit: when i was with him i felt anything was possible. His absolute confidence was contagious. When he helped me start my business i felt that $600 a month would be a cake walk, now im not even sure ill make enough for the bills this month. I wish i could feel that way again. That i could feel completely confident. He always corrected me when i was negative. He always pushed me to be better and more confident and i miss that. I really really wish he was by my side. I know that he is going to change the world, and i wish i could help him do it. I too want to make the world a better place.

Weird stuff keeps happening lol. Today i was at the park, and met someone that i had gone horseback riding with once maybe 4 or 5 years ago. They remembered me even though i didnt remember them. They also were probing to see if i was single, looking to date etc. I told them the truth, there is only one guy i would really want to date at the moment, otherwise im perfectly happy being single. It was nice though to actually have a chat with someone while at the park instead of just sitting there and feeling awkward. So far today isnt going bad, but at the same time its not as i had expected either.