Subliminal Talk

STAGE 2, DAY 3,

Went to the bar of a mid-scale restaurant to catch up with a friend; he's about 15 years older, wealthier, more successful.
While I was waiting, I couldn't get myself to relax and feel normal.
It didn't help that a previous gym crush works there and recognized me; I used to idealize her but now that's gone.
The waitresses were pretty - the one at the front looked a lot like a sexier Sabrina Carpenter - but I didn't feel it in myself to talk to any of them.

STAGE 2, DAY 4,

Was at an older real estate guy's breakfast - he organizes it every Thursday morning and invites all his friends.
I woke up not feeling like it; these tracks have been hitting me like a brick, and I wake up feeling like it.

I still showed up, and I had that feeling - described in the marketing copy - of being caught between realities.
It didn't go away after coffee, or after the breakfast. That feeling comes up during conversations.
Very interesting!

DAY 4 PM

I'm finding myself in situations where my stifled self is winning over my free-flowing self, and the feeling lasting about 30 minutes after the incident.
I think this is good because I can notice the conflict as well as the inner gears causing these feelings to spring up.

There is currently a major controversy (gender wars-tier stuff) which happened at a university; it has reared its head on social media, except the mainstream view is so fundamentally wrong about literally every detail of the case. I know this because I spent 30 minutes reading the primary sources, which includes a summary of the complainant's initial statements made under oath.
If you only read the news articles, then you'll have a severely skewed view of what happened. People are still plenty angry and demanding major shaming and legal consequences based on these false premises.
It's really making me loose faith in people's connection to reality, and their willingness to receive correct information.

Stage 2, Day 9,

It's incredible how much I'm made tired during the days off. I'm meant to return to the loops tonight.
My frustrations from Day 4 have balanced based on more reading. I still get annoyed that people are commenting without doing the required reading.
I got back together with an ex-FWB yesterday; probably had my most expressive, vocal, and present sex ever, and she commented on the difference too and played into it.

I've made a mini-system for using ChatGPT more efficiently, without losing progress.
Still putting in my 100 new words a day in Italian. Had to do 75 yesterday.
Keeping a straight face - and therefore my frame - during stage rehearsals. I think that it's a testament to my growing inner strength.

Stage 2, Day 18,

Already over the hump for this stage. I'm feeling a transformation happening, but the actual transcendence feels a bit elusive in spite of some small inklings.
My affirmations for monetary success seem to be taking root, as I'm having ideas for offers and the desire to make it happen over my other goals.

Stage 2, Day 19,

Noticing that my standards are increasing, and I'm not quite in the position - calendar wise - to work to fulfill them.
I have a musical theater commitment that will occupy a lot of my time until Halloween.
After that, I'll have a 5-6 month window where I can pursue business and money.

I'm interested in learning about the lives and habits of great men such as Napoleon, Theodore Roosevelt, and Julius Caesar.
I'm viewing my current habits and goal fulfillment as preparation for some great role not yet revealed to me.

As a negative, I'm finding that my psyche is disengaged from the things that I want: community, a friend group, relating with new women, connection.
The 'disassociating from reality' is steady but not overwhelming. I think that this - and the above - are another form of disequilibration during Stage 2 that will be balanced out later. It seems that I first need to have a few primers of outcome independence before I'm pushed towards deep integration.

Stage 2, Day 21,

I have an uneducated theory as to why NoFap works.
1) You're born with a natural charisma and magnetism.
2) You're quickly conditioned and traumatized into accepting this conditioning
3) You carry around neurotic / paranoid / fearful / shame-filled thought patterns because of it.
4) Your libido flows energy through you
5) Because you jerk it, you drop your energy down to certain level where the negative thought patterns dominate.
6) If you don't jerk it and build up that energy, then you transcend these negative thought patterns and your natural dynamism and charm flows through you.
7) But if you jerk it again, your energy drops off and you can no longer move that natural energy.

BUT, if you deal with these negative thought patterns and effectively erase them, then you can have high or low energy and continue to be naturally magnetic.

Stage 2, Day 25,

A few days left. I'm surprised by how different the inner experience is compared to AM 5.0 and AM 6.0.
Stage 1 of both programs had me rushing back to the gym. This time around, I've been dragging my feet on my traditional tasks, and naturally leaning into a whole other set of tasks.

I'm finding my writing style has matured significantly since when I last wrote in July. My ideas as well-formed and are coming to me in entire sentiments.
I might work on Draft 5 again in November, and perhaps I will wait to publish until I've reached a later stage of this subliminal run.

Stage 2, Day 26,

I'm finding myself wanting to read ancient Greek and Roman classics, with translations as close to the original as possible.
As someone in the Americas with a distinctly European descent, I can see how this makes sense.