Day 8/62
Healin' up some more. The dominant wonky sensation being kinda, like, as if I had a physical wound cleaned out, stitched together and now it's closing up from the inside. Trouble is, it pretty much encompasses at least 1/3rd of my entire body, lewl. But it is closing up. At times I'm all like, "ooomph" while it's happening, but it's happening.
I did manage to get some singing practice in today, making my way on to my physical regimen and then work. Getting lots of sleep which feels pretty good; I do get the occasional dream, but not really, it's pretty deep and restful.
Day 9/62
Healin' an' chillin'.
Not really, though. I had moments of pretty unpleasant/serious emotional discharge coming from deeeeep within. But what I do mean is that I'm quite focused on the task of healing right now. Still, wonky sensations would indicate progress is being made, so yeah. I also find myself laughing at things after, so that's always neat.
I get moments when I feel filled with "light" energy, so probably healing energy, and it sometimes makes its way deep into the damaged areas.
EDIT
Oh yeah, I also had dreams today which were quite indicative of OGSF going on, mostly F.
Day 10/62
Felt a bit better today, especially after getting some proper sleep. Funnily enough, I keep waking up to very vivid sexual fantasies of certain women I know, with one in particular (and strong erections to go along with it). I don't mind in the slightest, haha.
Went to get some stuff, went to get some singing practice in, gonna get my physical regimen in as well. I'm swamped with translation jobs, though, which I *really* don't feel like doing, lewl, but I am doing them (they from the guys who gave me a sudden raise, lewl).
I will probably go to rock-show this Thursday, maybe. I don't really *feel* like it, but I'd hate to miss this band, heh.
Day 11/62
Slept a lot today and sleep makes me feel a whole lot better, went to get some proper singing practice in. Still lazy about translation jobs. I hate doing them, but I do like the money, so...
I dunno, now it feels like I'm overly enjoying compensatory fantasies, and I did pinpoint what I appear to be trying to cover-up in this way, and yeah. I dunno, this could even be a form of pain relief of a sort. Trouble with fantasy is that one shouldn't go overboard with it.
But, overall, healing's progressing. I frankly did not expect to be *this* worn out by life, but I guess that's because I've found a lotta relief by way of DRS v2 and DMSI was making me feel very good in general.
Going to that show on Thursday most definietly, even purchased a ticket and all, should get my mind off things for a bit at least. Gonna have to watch alcohol consumption, though, the shite I'm processing.
Day 11/62 continued
You know, just had this funky realization - even though it's not entirely pleasant, and even most painful and draining at times, I had this thought that as far as healing up is concerned, owing to the magic of 6G subliminal technology and my apparent indestructability, I am now *really* going for it.
And that feels kinda good, gives me a sense of purpose and determination. Especially now that things are getting progressively worked on and worked through, with each tiny step the next ones becoming easier. So right now I'm actually in a pretty good mood and I feel great after getting proper sleep in.
I do hate having agreed to do shitty translation jobs because frankly, right now, I'm comfortable financially and would rather focus on healing, like, totes, especially after the events of the past six months or so. And singing practice (meeting with pianist bro this Saturday to record thingies for auditions. He called me up to talk about various nonsense, I think he misses me, haha).
I also got back to EMS workouts last night, and I'm gonna use a slightly different system than previously - 40 minutes cardio setting maxx power, 20 minutes fitness/bodysculpting setting 50-70% power (more than that works great but is physically quite painful, and I'd rather avoid pain right now since I'm dealing with lots of emotional pain apparently), and I'll be switching the suits every other day (I have two with different electrode layouts - one's more focused on the abdomen and butt, the other features the chest and biceps) to work different muscle groups. I also got back to my diet in order to proceed with flab-loss, which I've been neglecting these past several months.
Getting mad respect hits from women in my hood, even though I'm not actively DMSIng and I doubt it's still running given all the EHPRAing I've been doing. Had this one really fine one with a perfect butt thing going on look at me with a touch of sadness and, I dunno... longing? Girl, I was right there, chat me up or something.
I was planning out my sub usage today, and I am considering whether to go all out on H&C and OGSFing (so following up this run-through of E7, which I'm gonna do two full months of, come hell or high water, with the planned EHPRA/OGSF combo sub) or for variety's/my productivity's/my general sense of well-being's sake do the 'ol switcharoo and interseperse the healing subs with something more fun, so most probably DMSI 5.1, heheh (although I'm definitely also doing another run of OSC after the healing bonanza as well. Or maybe we'll get OSC+ by then which I'd definitely buy, who knows).
Day 12/62
Yeah, so I had moments when I was "oh, hell yeah, I'm doin' it" and felt lots of light energy appear in damaged areas, and then I actually started getting naseaous a bit, skipped singing practice, and had to sleep it off (no dreams), and now I'm EPHRAing something in the gut region, heh. Still, it's all good. Making rapid progress, I think. Getting some work done. I dunno why, but I got a call from this chick I know and did some language consulting for, asking me to do some more work for her, and I agreed, oy. She's kinda cute though and very sweet, maybe that's why, haha.
Anyway, had definite vivid healing dreams earlier in the day yesterday while napping, related to my father and worries about his health, which has been worsening recently (he's nearly lost all use of his left leg) and due to the shit that's been going on I had no time to process this apparently, so it got stuck in the subC
Day 13/62
The gig I went to was great, put me in a good mood and got my mind off things for a couple of hours.
Continuing healing, feeling better day-by-day, more functional, more ready for action. I do get Wonky Sensations TM still, but I actually prefer them (I described them to my analyst lady today as a form of somatization of unconscious processes, heheh) to like, re-experiencing negative emotions or traumatizing events through flashbacks and the like. Even though they do oftentimes somatize as physical pain (and that's with pain relief on, lewl).
Day 14/62
Healin' on up. I went to get some singing practice in today, and I experienced something I hadn't in quite some time - anger and aggression when "something didn't go right". And now I'm playing DRS and I'm, like, "oh, right".
It's been getting so good sometimes thanks to it I sometimes even start forgetting how much I need the thing. Can't wait to try out the planned 6G BHS every now and again, though.
Healin's going really well as far as I can tell. Although I'm definitely taking a break for it after this 2-month run because I want to get some action going every now and again as well. Right now I'm *really* focused on healing.
Day 15/62
Some serious OGSF action going on apparently, mostly G and S this time around. Multiple subjects.
So funny thing. I was sleeping, and about to wake up, and I had this dream that I'm waking up (as you sometimes do) but I was confused because I did not wake up in my room but somewhere else, and then I'm like, "oh hey, it's me", so me and me had a chat.
About stuff. Very interesting stuff.
Stay tuned for more on TALES. OF. INTEREST.
Day 16/62
Ooooph. So, healin', yeah. Totally taking biiiiiig, long break from bullshit work and such, and focusing on healin' up. All the rest of my energy I'm devoting to singing practice and bodymorphing into a fine piece of man-ass, haha.
Anyway, chanced upon a book called "Traumatizing Narcissim: Relational Systems of Subjugation" by Bernard Shaw, and American relational psychoanalyst, and it's right up my alley, though reading it is a bit triggering at times. But yeah, it's good. I'm totally gonna sell lady analyst on the concept of "intersubjectivity", she's gonna love it, haha (she probably knows about it already anyway, but eh).
Day 17/62
Healin' on up some more. I'm experiencing anger at certain individuals and even institutions and suchlike owing to whom I now have to devote serious energy into healing instead of other things.
Interestingly, and very nicely I'll say, my sexual libido is increasing and my erectile quality and quantity has increased a bunch, so sexual healing has been doing its job, yeah.
Day 18/62
I got some new and interesting Wonky Sensation TM, the implications of which could be potentially very interesting.
Otherwise, healin' on. Had a very interresting dream. I'm also now less frustrated about "having to heal instead of doing other stuff" and am now allowing myself to actually enjoy the process (as much as possible).
I also have moments when my self-esteem and self-confidence are skyrocketing quite nicely.
Day 19/62
Making decent progress, I believe. That book on Traumatic Narcissism is very good and the language I've gleaned therein is helping me conceptualize what's been going on with me and hopefully will allow me to express through words what I'm on about in ways that people would understand and *stop reactively rejecting my subjective perspective*, grr.
In general I believe that this time spent on intense EHPRAing is going to allow me to skyrocket results from other 6G subs. F. in. I really can't wait to re-run OSC 6G after EHPRAing some more (but DMSI is going to come first, yo).
Day 20/62
Healin' and chillin'. Sometimes feeling as if I were retreading the same 'ol stuff constantly, but it's like the insistence and repetitiveness of attempts at subjugation that people tried to submit me to has led to extensive damage overtime and now I have beef (and - in some instances - actual trauma to heal).
But it is gradually healing and resolving, so yeah.
Anyhow, I know I said I'd be doing two full months of E7 "come hell or high water" but designee "dancer chick with dat ass" invited me to a retreat with her in a couple of weeks and it's too good an opportunity to pass up to try out DMSI 5.1 in a setting that isn't a madhouse (either a literal one - as in, an insane asylum - or a proverbial one, as in - a theatrical company, lolololo) so I'll be switching to DMSI 5.1 for a week. Apparently, I like living dangerously, haha (do *not* try this at home, kids, though).
I'll be back to regualrly scheduled EHPRAing right after, though.