I'm into Month 6 of the 7-month run for this program. So far it has wiped out some fears: what colleagues, readers and reviewers think of me, my work, my opinions and views; where my life is going and whether I will "make it"; how people might perceive me in the day-to-day of walking around, going to the store, etc. I don't really scan my environment anymore. The general feeling is more decisiveness and more productivity. I'm not ruminating before acting.
Other deeper fears remain. I can cold approach women, but not like a total natural. I can present articulately at consequential work events, but not in a super-relaxed way. These fears (fear of failure? fear of success?) have been moderated but not yet removed. Perhaps I am butting up against the guilt-and-shame elements that motivated the evolution of OF to OGSF.
In terms of usage, I use ultrasonic and have followed instructions to a T until about a fortnight ago. Since then I have been charging into some extra listening here and there. I've come to terms with the feeling of "work" the mind does during and after listens. I'd liken it to the sensation of being able to attack some heavy weights versus knowing you're low on "juice" and need to rest. Is this autoconfig? I'd be interested to hear if you all experience something similar. It's like you know you are ready for the "work" and the recovery feels even sweeter once you've done it.
Speak to y'all soon
CT
Planning to go hard on this for the next 6 weeks until the end of my run. Then I am going to shift to UMS for a full run in 2025.
Went for several cycles where there was just a single day off in between the days on. On two of the days on, I listened for three loops instead of the usual two.
I am experiencing first-hand why the G and S were added to OF. My "fear" of not achieving my goal of making it big in my new home country is not really a fear per se, but a desire to avoid the shame I associate with failure. It's feelings of (hypothetical) shame that are coming up when I listen to a lot of OF.
I am unsure if I will break through this by continuing to push hard with OF.
I would say to re-read the instructions for "Special Use Cases" under OF4. Maybe the increased loops per day but at a lower volume would fit your situation better. Or this may be too late in your planned run to make a difference. ?
(12-09-2024, 04:45 PM)kserenyi Wrote: [ -> ]I would say to re-read the instructions for "Special Use Cases" under OF4. Maybe the increased loops per day but at a lower volume would fit your situation better. Or this may be too late in your planned run to make a difference. ?
Thanks for sharing your thoughts. There's nothing there that would justify special use case. I am thinking to dial back to the regular number of days off for a while and reset.
After three days off, I listened again yesterday, for two loops. That night I dreamed vividly. I was at a train station, but I couldn't get where I needed to go because they were cancelled for hours and hours. I called this one wealthy and successful friend of mine and he was just laughing at my situation. At the train station I had to use the public bathroom and it was disgusting.
It's odd because on the face of it, if my current ex-pat gambit doesn't work out the consequences of it really won't be all that bad. Yet there is apparently much more "shame of failure" than there is conscious fear of failure.
When I posted the other day, I was thinking about whether I could throw an additional month of E5/E6 or OGSF on top of my current run, or even contemplate doing a full 7-month run of one of those programs. Now my thinking is that this "shame of failure" aspect of my dreams and feelings lately probably does mean that there is a release of those hang-ups going on. That makes me hopeful that I can push on with the final month of OF 5.9G and be ready to start UMS in six weeks' time.
The effects for this OF run have extended on my experience with AM6. I have stronger boundaries because I am not so afraid of consequences.
This arises in relation to work. My work environment is a place where (to not make things political here) certain very much partial or partisan attitudes are taken for granted as what everyone thinks and should think. I've become clearer in my words and in my mind what I do and do not stand for and what does and does not serve me.
On a more abstract level, it is eye-opening and even to an extent disturbing how one's attitudes can change. If I rewound my life by two years, I would never, ever have thought these issues (in this case, around fear and boundaries) were issues for me. And while it's amazing the learning and growth that is possible, it is overwhelming to confront the challenge of determining how to proceed. How can I comprehend the shortcomings of my conscious and subconscious mental landscape from within that same landscape? What is truly possible, and what is the goal toward which we should aim these capacities?
Some reflections on my run-through, having shifted to OPH 5.11G out of necessity after 6.5 months of OF.
When I started the OF run-through, I was away from my office on an extended period of leave/field research. Shortly after my return, I had the annual check-in with my boss. She commented that she felt I was more "distant" since my return. At the time I didn't think much of it, because certain things had emerged during my time away that did indeed make me consciously feel more distant from some of my colleagues.
Yet there is more to it, I think. People-pleasing can be understood as a fear-based response. I need everyone to like me so that I feel safe. I will make avoiding conflict a priority. Without fear you have the luxury of being self-contained. People aren't vibing with me? Who cares.
I'm not dating at the moment, but I wouldn't be surprised if this experience bumps me up an echelon in attractiveness moving forward. The guy who is beholden to the vibes. The guy who is immune to vibes (like the "autistic chad") is respected.
I suppose the above is also DRS-related. If people are trying to draw me into their story and I am not responding, that could be interpreted as being cold or distant or it could be painted in that light.