07-02-2024, 02:04 AM
Well, been a long time and a lot has happened since I've posted on this site. I think as I have gotten better I haven't really felt the need to check these forums as much. I've only been using this subliminal for close to a little over a month. Been playing it by ear when it comes to listening for the most part.
Main thing I have noticed is that I finally forgave people for all the horrible crap I went through earlier in my life. I just realized it wasn't moving me forward and I decided to look on it in a positive way. Mainly that now that I overcome my past I can become stronger for it. I still got a way to go but I'm actually fine with that. One thing that happened recently that I see as very important is that my self esteem and self love went up by a lot to the point that I don't tolerate BS said to me anymore and when I cut people out I don't feel this desperation to try and get back in contact with them to try and give them another chance or the idea that maybe "i misunderstood" to excuse their behavior. I found out this behavior came from the fact that I was extremely neglected as a child which then led to me either wanting people to like me to get rid of the isolation or realizing logically that its right that I dump them but then I try to get back in contact with them at some later date out of desperation. It came from fear of being isolated again and acting like I better accept these people who mistreat me because I might not get others to want to be around me. Somehow after realizing this and working on it I just woke up and didn't feel the need to appease people anymore. Matter of fact another thing happened today where over discord I discussed with someone something regarding eldin ring (I like the lore but haven't played the game) and they replied with something like "Oh, i forgot your a Rani simp". Normally I would have let it go and not confront but I had noticed with my new mindset these 2 guys in question had these problem of every once in a while doing these digs at me that were uncalled for and I just let it go or not really confront them. I typed something out calling him out on that shit then answered like normal. He never replied back which means he probably just got angry about me calling him out on it. If I lose this person I realized I don't really care anymore. Any person who does this underhanded negging nonsense to me is not someone I want around. Matter of fact I found over the past month in a half or so I have literally not felt the need to play video games at all.
Its like I was playing video games to escape and hide away from my issues and now that some of those issues are resolved I just don't feel the need to play them much anymore. I find them boring. I think I might occasionally play FFXIV eventually to a degree for relaxation (and for the story) but other than that I'm just not interested. Even for that game I find i'm not as interested as much anymore. I've also decided I'm going to seriously workout for at least a month or 2 to get in the best shape of my life. There is another reason why I might do this in this time frame though that requires me delve into some other stuff that has happened the last few months. Some of this I have the feeling happened because as I got better I noticed things in my external enviroment got better.
I got laid off from my self driving car job last September though i did get a severance package and went on unemployment. Was having issues for the next few months even getting a job because my PTSD syptoms got worst and those symptoms were costing me jobs interviews. So I finally did something my father kept on urging me to do for years now. I finally sought help from the VA (Department of Veterans affairs). To be honest part of me took this long because after what the government did to me I wanted nothing to do with the federal government again. However things were getting worst for me mentally and emotionally. I will be very real with you guys, I knew if something changed I wouldn't be able to last another 1 or 2 years. The symptoms were getting so bad and ramping up that after years of all this my will power was just getting eroded trying to resist wanting to "end it all". However I kept on pushing on eventually I opened my VA case for disability benefits on the last day of January and submitted it mid February. Before I submitted I went over a lot advice from veterans on reddit on how to fill out my forms, how to be detailed on what is going on with me and how to prepare for my mental health exam (which happened late March). I even prepared myself for if I had to do a supplemental or appeal to the decision in case they tried to low ball me and seeking an attorney.
In the end what I did on my own was actually enough which really suprised me. For those that don't know (or arent in the united states) the VA is nortorious for being horribly run and treating former military people badly. As in some military members can literally have medical records and evidence proving that they have certain ailements yet the VA will deny them anything because "We don't feel like paying for it". So yeah, sometimes people are fighting that branch of the federal govenrment for years trying to get help. Turns out i had enough evidence (from in the military and outside) that I got 100% VA disability the first time! This actually made things less stressful for me in general because it meant I could get free medical treatment ( for my service connected ailements and anything else) and get financial compensation per month (along with back pay). I got the news on the morning of June 11th which made my mood a lot better these last few weeks. On top of that I was able to get another self driving car job in the beginning of April. I was planning to keep this job until I finish my claim with the VA but now that I'm finished I will only keep it until maybe the end of August or towards december (if I want to save up additonal money). This is all big because this actually means I can leave the united states now like I wanted and just live elsewhere while literally living a upper middle class lifestyle if I wanted. However I'm going to stay at this job until at least late August because I want to save up money for a downpayment for a house in Spain (where I have decided to move to long term). I will probably not move there till December. Between August and December I will just travel around to a few countries until this and try to enjoy life. I feel a lot less stressed knowing that if I really get tired of my current job I can just leave it at any time and be completely fine.
The reason I mention all this is because it just feels as I started really confronting my issues, consciously I might add on top of subconsciously, my life just started getting better and things started to fall into place. I did realize something as well that if I want to continue getting better I'm going to have to leave my mother's influence entirely. That is one person I am trying to forgive to a degree but I realize I need to forgive from afar. Reason being just hearing her voice triggers me and it feels like it triggers some kind of regression to a degree. So most definetly I will need to leave here. I don't think just to somewhere else in the United states in general but outside the country. I need almost no contact with her for a long time till I'm strong enough that her mere voice doesn't trigger something in me. So off to europe I will go in order to eventually get my citizenship and just get even better. On top of that one of the women (the very hot blond one from venezuela) will be meeting me in Spain and we will begin our relationship there. The other ones I have mentioned before will join me there as well eventually. So, I don't know life seems to be headed in a very good direction.
Lastly I kind of changed up my plans. I might finish up my degree in CS but I might end up taking some online science courses afterwards so I can apply for medical school. I might attend it in Europe or attend it back here in the States after like a year and half. It is kind of a late career change but I have the time and resources to do it. I just want to do something that has meaning and where I don't need to worry about finances at all. So I will see how I like the online pre-requisite courses first and if I do like it I will continue down that path. I realized my idea of working in AI had more to do with me wanting to show those people in the past that I'm worth something by doing something huge in AI. However I came to the realization that yeah that sounds great but I don't really enjoy programming like I used to in highschool. So why keep living my life to impress people from my past that I don't even care about anymore?
so pretty much that is what has been going on. I feel a lot better and a lot less stressed now that I have adequete resources to help myself now. On top of that dealing head on with my internal issues has really helped as well which has been mainly by running this subliminal and actually thinking on what my issues are and why do I have them. Actually putting in work along with listening to the subliminal. I will try to update here when I can but thats about it for now.
Main thing I have noticed is that I finally forgave people for all the horrible crap I went through earlier in my life. I just realized it wasn't moving me forward and I decided to look on it in a positive way. Mainly that now that I overcome my past I can become stronger for it. I still got a way to go but I'm actually fine with that. One thing that happened recently that I see as very important is that my self esteem and self love went up by a lot to the point that I don't tolerate BS said to me anymore and when I cut people out I don't feel this desperation to try and get back in contact with them to try and give them another chance or the idea that maybe "i misunderstood" to excuse their behavior. I found out this behavior came from the fact that I was extremely neglected as a child which then led to me either wanting people to like me to get rid of the isolation or realizing logically that its right that I dump them but then I try to get back in contact with them at some later date out of desperation. It came from fear of being isolated again and acting like I better accept these people who mistreat me because I might not get others to want to be around me. Somehow after realizing this and working on it I just woke up and didn't feel the need to appease people anymore. Matter of fact another thing happened today where over discord I discussed with someone something regarding eldin ring (I like the lore but haven't played the game) and they replied with something like "Oh, i forgot your a Rani simp". Normally I would have let it go and not confront but I had noticed with my new mindset these 2 guys in question had these problem of every once in a while doing these digs at me that were uncalled for and I just let it go or not really confront them. I typed something out calling him out on that shit then answered like normal. He never replied back which means he probably just got angry about me calling him out on it. If I lose this person I realized I don't really care anymore. Any person who does this underhanded negging nonsense to me is not someone I want around. Matter of fact I found over the past month in a half or so I have literally not felt the need to play video games at all.
Its like I was playing video games to escape and hide away from my issues and now that some of those issues are resolved I just don't feel the need to play them much anymore. I find them boring. I think I might occasionally play FFXIV eventually to a degree for relaxation (and for the story) but other than that I'm just not interested. Even for that game I find i'm not as interested as much anymore. I've also decided I'm going to seriously workout for at least a month or 2 to get in the best shape of my life. There is another reason why I might do this in this time frame though that requires me delve into some other stuff that has happened the last few months. Some of this I have the feeling happened because as I got better I noticed things in my external enviroment got better.
I got laid off from my self driving car job last September though i did get a severance package and went on unemployment. Was having issues for the next few months even getting a job because my PTSD syptoms got worst and those symptoms were costing me jobs interviews. So I finally did something my father kept on urging me to do for years now. I finally sought help from the VA (Department of Veterans affairs). To be honest part of me took this long because after what the government did to me I wanted nothing to do with the federal government again. However things were getting worst for me mentally and emotionally. I will be very real with you guys, I knew if something changed I wouldn't be able to last another 1 or 2 years. The symptoms were getting so bad and ramping up that after years of all this my will power was just getting eroded trying to resist wanting to "end it all". However I kept on pushing on eventually I opened my VA case for disability benefits on the last day of January and submitted it mid February. Before I submitted I went over a lot advice from veterans on reddit on how to fill out my forms, how to be detailed on what is going on with me and how to prepare for my mental health exam (which happened late March). I even prepared myself for if I had to do a supplemental or appeal to the decision in case they tried to low ball me and seeking an attorney.
In the end what I did on my own was actually enough which really suprised me. For those that don't know (or arent in the united states) the VA is nortorious for being horribly run and treating former military people badly. As in some military members can literally have medical records and evidence proving that they have certain ailements yet the VA will deny them anything because "We don't feel like paying for it". So yeah, sometimes people are fighting that branch of the federal govenrment for years trying to get help. Turns out i had enough evidence (from in the military and outside) that I got 100% VA disability the first time! This actually made things less stressful for me in general because it meant I could get free medical treatment ( for my service connected ailements and anything else) and get financial compensation per month (along with back pay). I got the news on the morning of June 11th which made my mood a lot better these last few weeks. On top of that I was able to get another self driving car job in the beginning of April. I was planning to keep this job until I finish my claim with the VA but now that I'm finished I will only keep it until maybe the end of August or towards december (if I want to save up additonal money). This is all big because this actually means I can leave the united states now like I wanted and just live elsewhere while literally living a upper middle class lifestyle if I wanted. However I'm going to stay at this job until at least late August because I want to save up money for a downpayment for a house in Spain (where I have decided to move to long term). I will probably not move there till December. Between August and December I will just travel around to a few countries until this and try to enjoy life. I feel a lot less stressed knowing that if I really get tired of my current job I can just leave it at any time and be completely fine.
The reason I mention all this is because it just feels as I started really confronting my issues, consciously I might add on top of subconsciously, my life just started getting better and things started to fall into place. I did realize something as well that if I want to continue getting better I'm going to have to leave my mother's influence entirely. That is one person I am trying to forgive to a degree but I realize I need to forgive from afar. Reason being just hearing her voice triggers me and it feels like it triggers some kind of regression to a degree. So most definetly I will need to leave here. I don't think just to somewhere else in the United states in general but outside the country. I need almost no contact with her for a long time till I'm strong enough that her mere voice doesn't trigger something in me. So off to europe I will go in order to eventually get my citizenship and just get even better. On top of that one of the women (the very hot blond one from venezuela) will be meeting me in Spain and we will begin our relationship there. The other ones I have mentioned before will join me there as well eventually. So, I don't know life seems to be headed in a very good direction.
Lastly I kind of changed up my plans. I might finish up my degree in CS but I might end up taking some online science courses afterwards so I can apply for medical school. I might attend it in Europe or attend it back here in the States after like a year and half. It is kind of a late career change but I have the time and resources to do it. I just want to do something that has meaning and where I don't need to worry about finances at all. So I will see how I like the online pre-requisite courses first and if I do like it I will continue down that path. I realized my idea of working in AI had more to do with me wanting to show those people in the past that I'm worth something by doing something huge in AI. However I came to the realization that yeah that sounds great but I don't really enjoy programming like I used to in highschool. So why keep living my life to impress people from my past that I don't even care about anymore?
so pretty much that is what has been going on. I feel a lot better and a lot less stressed now that I have adequete resources to help myself now. On top of that dealing head on with my internal issues has really helped as well which has been mainly by running this subliminal and actually thinking on what my issues are and why do I have them. Actually putting in work along with listening to the subliminal. I will try to update here when I can but thats about it for now.