Today i remembered some things from my childhood (not that i forgot it) most of those trigger anger, for example the way people treated me because i don't speak much or didn't behave like the other kids, as if i had some sort of problem or defective, that's the way i am and i'm not complaining about how fucking annoying they are because they never shut up and always talk bullshit or because i think they are idiots both kids and adults alike, i hate them both and the adults they think they can do whatever they want with me, just because they are bigger and older? fuck them they think they are saving me? helping me? well i never asked for unwanted help, they are as stupid as everyone else but never said anything because it would only bring troubles, if i ever find them i will give them a piece of my mind just to calm myself, that was my anger speaking.
Recently i've been paying heed to my OCD, i'm the kind of person that doesn't like to be touched by others or touch belongings from other people, the reason is simple, i have the belief that touching it will get me dirty and that disgust me, just being too close to someone else disgust me, i don't mind touching dirty stuff if i'm the owner but when is from someone else it has my utmost disgust, i have no idea if something is happening since is been brought to the conscious mind.
In truth my biggest problem was always the way i have repressed emotions, i don't know how or when it began, perhaps something happened and i showed that vulnerable side only to get responses like pity, disrespect, laughing, indifference. Whatever that is the truth is i'm very ashamed of showing my emotions, be it fear, anger or even happiness and excitement eventhough that's very common, after that i got mad at myself for feeling emotions to the point of trying to erase them and giving a damn about others, i already saw people crying as hell be for whatever reason and i just don't care in fact i tend to do the opposite and make them less because that looks ridicule or laugh at people getting mad or trying to ruin the mood. But sometimes i just want to scream whenever i feel pain, most of this is the reason about why i think life is shit, and even if i'm right about that if i believe it based only on represed emotions then it doesn't mean anything, sometimes i want to try something but i just don't seem to care about that either, perhaps at some point i started believing that if nothing goes the way i want then why should i even try, this show off my very low self esteem and why i don't give a damn about life itself, maybe i'm having too many hopes with this i don't even know pretty well why i'm keeping with this if i could just ditch it, maybe i just want to feel better and shit is getting out, before i felt some sadness but now i feel empty.
Recently two words have been on my mind, betrayal and abuse. Not only others had step on my boundaries but harmed me even if that wasn't the intention but is also true there was an intent of dominance leading to the previous words. No wonder i dislike people but also became dependent of the idea of abuse and conflict as getting some kind of attention or caring about me so maybe i need to become a monk and live in loneliness for the rest of my life, deep inside i hate others and don't want nothing to do with others but the dependence keeps getting on my nerves, if i hate them why i can't remove them of my mind. At times i just want a payback from the abuse, getting revenge sounds good to me even if it is worthless but whatever, each cycle i notice how the chains are being removed, i don't need to care for others or whatever they did to me, in this times of "empathy" i feel like becoming the kind of person that doesn't give a damn about it, after all kindness won't get me anywhere so no use in getting into someone else shoes, it seems that regaining trust won't be possible because i don't want it, i'm already tired from the personal growth shit talk. I look like a teenager with all this shit but is what it is when someone is trapped on childhood for quite some time or maybe i'm just too much of a rebel.
It seems i no longer associate physical pain with death threats as cancer or heart attacks, instead i know is an emotional response, something very interesting is the fact that my body urges me to stop eating too much, if i eat too much i feel like throwing up and speaking of that i discovered the main cause about why i tend to pass out because of a big trauma that trigger a fear response and leads me to passing out, is because i got disgusted whenever that trauma is triggered and the real response is trying to throw up but because i always tried to repress it the end result is me passing out so now instead of passing out i just throw up and that's it, no more anxiety attacks and that apparently made me able to express my emotions instead of trying to shield me, of course it means i can show my anger which now is my most common emotion but now doesn't feel like i'm burning in hatred, i'm angry but doesn't seem to be unhealthy in fact my body gets more active because of it and can even dissapear as if never happened to return and repeat the process over and over.
I also need to mention that my stomach no longer hurts, instead i feel like throwing up sometimes but very slightly, i don't know if i ever wrote about this before but i always felt something in my body (i don't know how to explain very well), let's say is a focus point of my anxiety, whenever i had an anxiety symptom i also felt something like pressure in the same area so if the point moved from the chest to the arm the pain also moved or if moved to one of my eyes i felt my eye tired and that also includes the stomach but i haven't feel it for a while, instead i feel anger but at least is a problem less.
Who would have thought i actually made it, looks like 5.11G was the right choice, can't wait to 6G.
Perhaps using hybrid was a bit overkill (the program still work), this is my third day off and i no longer feel like shit or angry, in fact is quite the nice day for me (the first one in ages). Actually i don't feel like hiding or running away, i'm very lucid right now and enjoying the moment (even i am experiencing something like a good luck streak).
I will have to take more days off to see how this goes, perhaps hybrid makes my inner demon to come out or maybe my subconscious is very mad trying to execute.
Sometimes i wonder if i should try allegie relief aid, for a while now i have my nose congested but it seems to get worse when using E6, at first i just thought it could be due to my anxiety symptoms since they came a long way back since OFv3 but i don't know anymore, it's annoying. Speaking of symptoms i still suffer from tinnitus (maybe playing audios while i slept with earphones was a mistake as well, eventhough i made sure it wasn't loud) but i don't think there's hearing loss, perhaps is my anxiety since my subconscious found a way to try to sabotage me by making me worry about hearing loss, even making my ears itch to remember me about it.
Right now i'm in monk mode, relaxing and trying to be conscious, without E6 my mind tries to wander to thoughts that leads to fear, this is no surprise since i'm very pessimistic and is easier for my to remember possible dangers instead of just chill, i'm also trying to detach sensations of pain from those thoughts, to put it simple my body starts feeling pain whenever i have those thoughts, even a nasty tingling most of the time.
It seems i still hve a long way to go.
Now i remember my second big problem, getting so used to obey because doing so means security but becuase of that i have big issues when trying to disobey even when i don't want to do something, i became dependent of that shit and of course i don't like it, now i need to consider if that's something that needs to be solved with something like E6 or just try the next AM since it trigger lots of fear when trying to disobey and that leads to repress emotions (again) then trying to run away or hide or evade reality watching stuff on internet.
Well, as i once thought and got reminded while watching a video, need to kill every person i obey in my inner self including myself.
It's been 2 weeks since i stopped using the program just to see what happens, this is the first time in years i took that many days off because usually my symptoms get worse after some time without using the program, most likely after the 3rd day but is not the case with E6. A couple weeks ago i realised the symptoms don't annoy me as much as before when taking days off so that's why i'm doing this.
The end result is that the symptoms don't bother me anymore, so that means my subconscious was actually overloading and getting mad because of it or it was resisting but i know that wasn't the case since my anxiety faded as well, a couple days before my head was hurting and i assumed it was due to lack of sleep, yes i haven't sleep that much for a while which is interesting since it started after the first week so i assume that's the time it takes for the program's effects to disappear, and my body doesn't feel tired so is very likely is was caused by anger but today i got rid of that anger so i stopped feeling the pain.
I also have to say i feel kind of lost in life, i mean i'm actually doing nothing with my life but is weird, i'm just contemplating the existence and the worries come and go. To put it simple i feel younger, when i didn't have to worry about some stuff in life and was just carefree, i missed such good days. Also recovered part of my motivation before becoming adult, it's refreshing.
So i can conclude that the time i spent using OF and forth was worthy and no longer need to exert myself that much, going from lack of sleep due to fear to lack of sleep due to my body not being tired is a great step.
I know i still have emotional garbage and other issues but seriously i am having an urge to redo my life, forget about the past and move on into something else (i'm the kind of person that erases previous data before installing something else). since i have memory i always wanted to do my own stuff but just couldn't, that upset me pretty bad until today, if only i could have brought myself to break the rules before maybe things would be different but it's time to take responsability for my life instead of rotting and getting depressed, now here comes the difficult part for me and that is putting up the effort into making it happen (this is also a problem from before, pushing myself into doing stuff i don't give a damn made a number on my mind to the point of just wanting to do nothing, combined with low self esteem is pretty bad as well but i can't afford that anymore). Getting myself down seems like a luxury now.
This time i'm not hyped as when trauma makes me feel better just to get me down again, this time i'm getting ready and made up my mind even if it's painful.