Yesterday was supposed to be a break day, but I decided to run a loop, again using the objectifying conceptual illusion technique. I turned on the OGSF track, sat down with pen and paper, and started writing. I concentrated on two incidents from my past, and just wrote down whatever came up, whether it was in my original memory/script or not. Besides a lot of raw emotion, there was a simplistic and childish tone in the writing. Plus a lot of swear words... After about 20 minutes, I felt like I had written everything I had at the moment, so I ended the session (so the loop was 20 minutes long.)
Today at work I felt much less reactive. All those things (ok, people) that usually drive me crazy had little to no influence on me. I didn't let myself get sucked into the vibes of other people's realities. Also, my muscles felt more relaxed. It was odd, but good.
So today is definitely a break day. In the future, I plan on listening to OGSF while I do the OCI process. So the length of my loop will be however long it takes me to run through the process. My theory is that the objectifying conceptual illusion technique will help OGSF take a more targeted approach, as opposed to trying to shotgun everything all at once. We shall see...
I took a four-day break, and started back again yesterday. This time for the OCI process, I chose fear as the topic. Not anything specific; but once I got writing, plenty of material bubbled up. It was like a monologue from myself, to myself. I rambled around quite a bit, covering different events/circumstances, and my thoughts, opinions and emotions surrounding these. In keeping with my apparent pattern in the process, I ended up angry. Oh yeah, plenty of swearing...
The session lasted maybe 25 minutes. Today I've been feeling weird (whoa, just looked up “weird” on the Online Etymological Dictionary-interesting!) But that makes sense: if GSF are some of the 'glue' that holds my subjective reality in place, then when my real being emerges, it should look and feel very different indeed. Also, for some reason I've been thinking about someone I had a mad crush on many moons ago. I never made a move... Let me guess...fear?
Had a busy afternoon yesterday, so didn't get around to running my loop until I went to bed. I dreamed of a large white building with a wrought-iron fence. In the dream I thought it was some type of school. There was also a young man who I assumed to be a student. From this scenario, I started to wake up. As I woke up, I "heard" “never repeat yourself.”
This is all very interesting to me, because a couple of weeks ago or so, I had pretty much the same exact dream; the white building, the guy, the wrought-iron fence. There was a woman in the newer dream, and not the old one, but other than that it was very close. Sooo, I'm having a dream very similar to one I've already had, and the message I get is 'never repeat yourself!?'
I admit I'm drawing a blank on this one...
I'm ten weeks into the program at this point. Lately I have been alternating between simply running my loop, or listening to my loop while using the Objectifying Conceptual Illusion process. It mostly depends on my available time, and personal energy level. In general, I err in favor of a higher level of exposure regarding both audio format and listening time.
I did a loop today using the OCI process. My emotional reactivity was greatly reduced; I was working on some painful early 'memories,' and never even got close to using swear words. It also seems like I am able to be somewhat more centered and present IRL. So, there may be more bumps in the road ahead, but so far, so good.
Took several days break, and started back listening this morning.
I know I've spoken earlier about feeling less reactive, but I saw a concrete benefit at work a few days ago. I have a coworker who gets extremely upset at other peoples' bad behavior, whether they are coworkers, or people in general. ( I am not totally innocent of this behavior, but I try to mitigate the duration and effects.) The problem I have when this person goes into a rant is not so much what is being said, as much as the intense crazy vibration that totally permeates the interaction. It's almost impossible for me not to get sucked into it, and then I'm also in this crazy vibe state.
So one day at work, same story; coworker, crazy vibes, and me doing what I can to just get away (I do believe that OGSF played a part in lessening my reaction, and shortening its duration). Anyway, sometime later I was by myself taking a break, and I had a brainstorm. The next time I saw this coworker, I made a proposal: we would play a game, whereby people's bad behavior would be rated on a point system: the worse the behavior, the more points you get. We both had a laugh at this, and did, in fact, start assigning points to various bad behaviors. Going forward, I'm hoping this “game” will help diffuse the anger and frustration, and foster a calmer and more pleasant work environment
Bottom line, I have been dealing with this situation for years, so I must credit OGSFv2 for enabling me to take a more impartial view, and access my inner resources to obtain a solution.
When I was waking up this morning, “vitamin E” popped into my head, so I'll be getting some vitamin E.
This reminded me of my OFv2 run. Several times during that run, I would be lying in bed waiting to fall asleep, and when I reached the twilight state just before nodding off, some random words or phrases would just pop into my head. As difficult as it was to pull myself away from dozing off, I would always sit up and write them down in the note pad I keep on my nightstand. Over time, I ended up with enough words and phrases that I was able to compose two songs from the material. Two very depressing songs...
At any rate, this twilight state seems to provide the conditions whereby my subconscious can make itself heard a little more clearly...
I'm almost two weeks into the second half of my six-month run. (I already own both
Money Magnet, and
Optimal Physical Healing, so it's remarkable that I still have zero desire to sub-hop.) For the past couple of weeks or so I have been adhering to the prescribed 7 days on/6 off listening pattern. (I don't believe I mentioned that I have been listening to the hybrid version for the past couple of months or so.)
Also, I recently experienced a painful emotional loss. The kind of shock that carries with it a certain possibility. To assess where I am in my life. What are my priorities? What are my goals? What is the thing that cannot be denied? My state seems less fixed, less rigid. Sometimes there is a feeling of expansion, openness. I begin to sense something that I ordinarily don't perceive. Then I contract into fear, guilt. There is a hardness about it, a denial. And I let that go, and come back to myself.
Steady on with OGSF. I'm two-thirds of the way through my six-month run. In general, I'm feeling more firmly rooted in myself, less likely to get 'yanked out' by some random reaction. In general, interaction with others is much smoother, more relaxed. I hadn't really realized the friction and tension (internal and external) caused by GSF.
I had a dream last night about a situation from many years ago. In addition to GSF, I have some strong anger around this memory. I think that perhaps a lot of anger in general is underpinned by fear. I'm speculating that OGSF is tunneling down through all the strata of the psyche, working its way through every pocket of GSF. At any rate, even though I'm in an 'off' cycle, I did an
Objectifying Conceptual Illusion exercise on this memory, playing OGSF for about 20 minutes as I did so. I believe OGSF helps the OCI process.
I haven't posted for awhile: when I was in my final six-day break cycle, I got sick. My energy levels were very low, so I ended my run. I was one week short of the full six-month run.
So, am I forever free of guilt, shame, and fear? Surely not. But I feel significant headway has been made. OGSF helped to unearth and de-crystallize long-held trauma and negative emotions. The Overcome Conceptual Illusion exercise was very helpful in shifting the overall perspectives, scale, and relativity of long-past traumas. It's like a data dump for impressions/imagination/beliefs/reactions that no longer serve. I believe that by externalizing these factors in that way, it lessens/removes much of those factors from bouncing around in my head. It seems to remove some type of pressure that, sooner or later, for good or ill, will demand a release of some kind.
OGSF was definitely worth the price of admission. For now, I find it very helpful to stay open, and pay attention.