Considering increasing the dosage of MM to 1 loop per day without breaks. A dream I had tonight made me feel like I'm trying to hold on to some things which prevent me from changing my reality to what I would like it to be.
Met with that chick we're gonna be singing with to plan out repertoire, it's on! Concerts planned for November/December, for pretty decent pay, and there may be more where that came from should we do a good job. Neato!
Quite bit of singing to be done, though, so I'll better get my butt into gear regarding practice. At least now I have set goal to practice towards, this should increase my motivation and focus.
Just got an update from hot cashier chick about that obnoxious ex-con moron. Reportedly, he got the crap beat out of him (lol) so now he's scared and planning to move out (double lol). Very good, dude's an absolute nuisance and nutcase.
Just received a response from that German opera house, they invited me to audition for their chorus. Neat! Now I've got about a month to prepare properly.
Called my first singing teacher, we made plans that I'll go visit him and we'll work on the repertoire for the audition. It's going to be quite the trip (he's abroad), but I'd rather do more to prepare well than less.
Been looking into supplements that would help with libido/erections and the like, but I don't really see anything that would be properly tested clinically and proven to be effective. I did find out that people are using icarine, and I've not heard of that before, so maybe I'll try some of that. Currently started using a supplement that has tongkat ali, we'll see whether it has an effect. Any and all suggestions are welcome.
Been dieting a bit (simply eating less. Way less!) to lose weight but it's slow going. Gotta start exercising as well, can't seem to find the motivation, lol.
Otherwise, playing 1 loop per day, waiting to see what's gonna happen.
Well, been tallying some invoices to send out and I've made a little bit more money than I expected last month from translation, to the tune of 1000 EUR (might not sound like much, but converted to potato it's a decent living wage). Neat!
Had a bit of a crisis of faith regarding singing today, but I've actually listened to some old recordings of mine available in the Internet and went "well, actually, I'm not half bad", lol. Working on repertoire for that audition next month.
So the trip to visit my singing teacher is going to cost less than I expected, altogether about a 1000 potato should cover the entirety, food included. That's a nice surprise. Also made a date with a female friend who now lives there and I haven't seen in a while.
Been doing research into dietary supplements to help with ED, there are some that are proven to work to an extent (l-arginine and l-citruline, for instance), but there appears to be no magical cure, boo hoo. Waiting for OED 5.11G, maybe that'll do the trick! The entire situation is making me depressed and siphoning off time and resources I could be spending elsewhere.
Weighed myself recently and I've lost about 5kg. Very nice! The only thing I'm doing differently is a change in diet (eating less). Gotta add some more physical activity to the mix, I think.
Preparations for auditons are going pretty well. Though some of the choral excerpts they want me to prepare are kinda on the tricky side - fortunately I've got recordings and a pianist friend ready and willing to help out. Hopefully I'll make it in time.
Otherwise still listening to MM one loop per day, waiting for more money to appear in my life, haha.
Been feeling more general anxiety these past several days, but it passes whenever I focus on something productive, like f. in. preparing for my audition. Had to take care of several things, nuisances really, today and only one left to do.
I need to do something about my anxiety, maybe OGSF in the new version would do the trick. I want to quit smoking but I've been using it as a way of coping with anxiety so I'm worried it's going to skyrocket for some time once I quit. So many programs to choose from!
I'm craving contact with people, lol. Been feelin' lonesome, the Internet doesn't cut it. Will have some soon on my trip abroad!
Listening to my loop of MM.
Does MM overcome the anxiety over time, or no? For me, the anxiety gets dealt with if I am patient.
I don't know yet, I do feel a bit less anxious today though. It kinda fluctuates. A lot of this anxiety is not really related to the goals of MM, though, at least what I get on the conscious level. I also usually feel a little better after talking to friendly people. Been having dreams which may be related to MM, they're kinda wonky.
Also my usage of MM, 1 loop per day, now calls for a break, so I'll be instituting a break day every 6 days from now on.
Today, after my session, my therapist started feeling light-headed and had to sit down for a while. It was a little weird, I hope she's fine, she told me not to worry about it.
Got a new customer for translation work, for a halfway-decent rate. We'll see how many jobs they send my way! I'd really like it to be around 10.000 words per month - easily achieveable without much of a sweat, but a significant increase in my income.
Practicing for my auditions. I'm beginning to get worried I won't manage to prepare the chorus parts they assigned to me well enough in time. If I had two months, that'd be easy-peasy, but as it stands, I'm getting a little bit nervous. Oh well. Doing what I can. Also saw another German opera house on the lookout for a bass for their chorus, so I might apply there as well.
I ordered a bunch of dietary supplements that are supposed to help with libido and erections. Gonna start taking them after I return from my trip abroad - hopefully they'll work!
A little bit less anxious today.
Listening to my loop of MM.
Therapist called today to set an appointment for next week, she's fine. Good!
Had two dreams which dealt with fears and anxiety directly. I'm feeling a little bit less anxious today again. Went to practice audition stuff, maybe - hopefully! - I'll manage to make it presentable on time. Set up a practice session with this pianist I know, then I'm off abroad to work with my professor. I have a linguistic job to do beforehand, though.
Listening to my loop for the day.
Soooo - warning, sexually explicit content incoming - I decided to masturbate for the first time in a year and it turns out I'm completely flatlined - very little reaction to stimulation in the member, the ejaculation was very weak and not at a full erection. So I did some digging and it turns out the medication they've got me on after my psychotic episode does have this as a side-effect very often (
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC10039643/ - and they have me at a higher dose than the guy in this study). And I already had problems of that nature, though never when masturbating at least, ugh. I think I'll discontinue its use and will check my prolactin levels and then try to rebalance my hormones. I'll try talking to my psychiatrist about switching medications to what they suggested in this study, but I'll doubt she'll comply (she's kinda bitchy).
At least now I've got a "clear conscience" that it's "not my fault", as they say, oy vey.
Maybe OED new-gen will have something to restore hormonal balance for good, strong erections? Here's hoping!
Got back from my trip, had some voice lessons, they were good although exhausting. Gonna have to work some more, if only I had more time. Unfortunately I had to work while there so I did not do too much sightseeing, oh well. Met with a friend at least, it was fun. She told me I should come over again in December. We'll see how things turn out.
I missed a couple days of loops, though, and went slack on my dieting so I regained a couple kg according to the scale, darn.
Listening to my loop of MM now.