My family is gone for a week, and I'm bachin' it staycation-style.
Within an hour after they left, I felt extremely lonely. Most of my friends don't live here, I've grown accustomed to not going anywhere, currently don't have a gym membership, weather isn't great...So I sat on my ass and started drinking beer. I didn't drink enough to have a hangover the next day, but I didn't sleep well, either. Drinking more than usual was a habit started last year at this time, with quarantine. My wife - not a big drinker - started bringing home more bottles of wine, pre-mixed margaritas, and daily drinking became more of a thing. I've tried to cut down, somedays being more successful than others. I'm hoping that OFv3 deals with any pull toward drinking when I'm alone. I'd like to go back to just being a light social drinker. I miss aspects of DMSI where I had little-to-no interest in alcohol at all.
The next morning, I woke up feeling depressed and teary. That lasted for a few hours. I have no doubt partaking in a depressant like alcohol didn't help anything. At the same time, drinking on LTU6 or Aura of Love didn't produce this effect - so something is going on there.
Last night, I went to my parent's house for dinner, and had a great interaction with them. My dad tried to give me some financial advice in some areas where he has very little expertise, and I successfully navigated that - without any fear - without the debate degrading into anger or any other negative emotion. Good stuff.
Slept really well last night. Tried to stay awake for the whole OFv3 loop, didn't happen. Couldn't make it past the "fireworks" portion.
Today, I woke up with some minor anxiety, but otherwise feel good. Going to be slow day, no plans. May catch up on some movies, get the grass mowed.
Have a great weekend, everyone!
For those who aren't aware, OF v3 is divided into three sections of about 20 minutes each. The "setup", the "fireworks" and the "wrap-up".
Currently on the third day off of my last cycle.
No blasts of fear, panic, or anxiety. Things seem to have smoothed out.
Last night, whenever I woke up, it was because my body was on fire, and I was sweating my ass off. I remember thinking that my dreams were all symbolic of Overcoming Fear, but I can't consciously recall any details.
Getting overheated and waking up hot and sweaty has happened many nights, but last night was the worst. I had the AC and ceiling fan on, and at times found myself sleeping nekkid (yeah, baby!) with no covers. Whenever my wife isn't home, I just hop in bed in my birthday suit. Lol.
I failed to mention, I changed my listening habits. I changed more than one variable, as it's what I felt compelled by my subconscious to do. 2 loops, 3 days on, 2 days off. Tonight will be my third night on at 2 loops.
During the day, I feel really good. Overnight, while dreaming, I wake up briefly and can acknowledge that the content is absolutely strange, seemingly related to overcoming fear, but disjointed and not worth mentioning in this journal (as I can't make hide nor hair of what's going on). Last night, again, I noticed I was slick with sweat every time I woke up to switch positions. I'd flip my pillow over, because it was so hot. My sheets were soaked at the time, but in the morning, they were fine. So weird! I must have been tired, too, because I ended up sleeping 12 hours! I couldn't believe it when my watch showed 11 AM.
Another observation: My sense of humor is returning to a more care-free place. It's much more free-flowing, rather than held back-and-down by the "weight of the world." Much more playful. Kind of reminds me of my early-20s. Back when I had everything to look forward to, and mid-life-and-beyond wasn't staring me down. More belly laughs, and more enjoyment. Very cool.
(06-03-2021, 03:36 PM)RTBoss Wrote: [ -> ]Another observation: My sense of humor is returning to a more care-free place. It's much more free-flowing, rather than held back-and-down by the "weight of the world." Much more playful. Kind of reminds me of my early-20s. Back when I had everything to look forward to, and mid-life-and-beyond wasn't staring me down. More belly laughs, and more enjoyment. Very cool.
I'm becoming more care-free too in the "here I am" sense. Where that differs from the past is that it isn't the "here I am...screw you if you don't like it" that I used to experience. Now, it's simply, "here I am" and that nothing more.
It's nice.
(06-03-2021, 04:06 PM)NOMAD Wrote: [ -> ] (06-03-2021, 03:36 PM)RTBoss Wrote: [ -> ]Another observation: My sense of humor is returning to a more care-free place. It's much more free-flowing, rather than held back-and-down by the "weight of the world." Much more playful. Kind of reminds me of my early-20s. Back when I had everything to look forward to, and mid-life-and-beyond wasn't staring me down. More belly laughs, and more enjoyment. Very cool.
I'm becoming more care-free too in the "here I am" sense. Where that differs from the past is that it isn't the "here I am...screw you if you don't like it" that I used to experience. Now, it's simply, "here I am" and that nothing more.
It's nice.
Very cool. That's very much like what I'm experiencing.
I'm wearing a shirt that says...
"Here I am. What are your other two wishes?"
Does that count?
Yesterday was my 1st day off of 2 planned.
For those of you who enjoy reading about dreams, I had three dreams (that I can recall) last night:
- In the first, I was unzipping my pants to use a toilet. I looked to my right, and saw that a floor-to-ceiling window provided full view of me and the toilet. Five or ten feet from the window, a girl I know from my past (in real life, a friend I was extremely attracted to) was kneeling on the floor, unpacking clothes from a bag. In waking life, she's a brunette with brown eyes. In this dream, she had neck-length blonde hair, and piercing blue eyes. I noticed that see was taking peeks at me from her periphery. So I casually leaned my shoulder against the door frame and confidently pulled out my privates to start urinating. This dick was big, lol. As I went about my business, I could see out of my periphery that she was observing me, as she (unsuccessfully) tried to hide it. I felt confident - almost egotistical. After I finished, I went to talk to her. She asked me to help her put some sort of top on (which, for some reason, was to cover a loose t-shirt she was already wearing). As I did so, she leaned back so that I could see her breasts. End of dream.
- In the second dream (which for some reason came across as a series of connected shorter dreams?), I was at some sort of indoor theme park. There was a ticket taker at the entrance of a spooky-themed walkthrough that involved slides, bridges, accelerated walkways (as you'd find in an airport) and sideshow attractions. In order to enter, you were required showed ID as proof-of-age, and then were handed a fruit square (much like a fruit rollup) that was a delivery system for some sort of legal, edible, substance that altered one's perception of reality. I entered many different times - each time a different version - accompanied by friends or family. End of dream.
- In the last dream, I was patronizing a high-class gym/fitness center. In this gym, again I came across the girl from my first dream. She looked the same. This time, she was a fitness trainer and manager. She approached me and asked how I liked the gym, and how I would compare it to the other two gyms in their chain. The only conversational detail I remember is that we discussed the different locker sizes available at the different gym locations. She was surprised at my observations, and appreciated my input. As she went back to her duties, she shot me a flirty glance over her shoulder and waved goodbye, with a glowing smile across her face. Then, as if in a different scene of the same movie, I was leaving the gym. Men were sitting around inside the entrance, casually making small talk. The next thing I know, I'm being walked around by a guy who was introducing me to people - all of whom were "special" in some way. "This guy is a hero, he did this, or that." Then it was explained to me how I had inspired them all in some way to do whatever it was they did to be "special." End of dream.
How do you guys even remember dreams with that much detail? I mostly forget most details.
(06-05-2021, 08:03 AM)GreekGod22 Wrote: [ -> ]How do you guys even remember dreams with that much detail? I mostly forget most details.
I've trained myself to consciously repeat the details in my mind, each time I wake during the night to switch positions. The more interesting the dream, the more likely I am to remember details. I will then do the same when I wake for the day.
It may be beneficial to keep a dream journal next to your bed, as a good way to start off training your mind to remember more dreams. When you wake up, even temporarily, grab pen and paper and start writing down as many details as you can remember before returning to sleep.
The last cycle ended up being:
2 loops:3 loops:2loops:OFF:OFF (currently on 2nd SASRB off day)
The day I ran 3 loops was by accident(?). Rather than run the 2 loop playlist, I got lazy and checked the loop repeat toggle on my Neutron player. I normally toggle the loop repeat back to "play once through and stop," fairly early on into the last loop. Instead, I neglected to check at all, and found myself 3 minutes into a 3rd loop when I did.
I'm not tired at all (when caffeinated - per my norm) during the day. When I run loops, I find I get tired while listening, and could easily nap or go to bed.
Yesterday, I found myself easily stressed, irritated, angry, and/or anxious. Seems to be the case today, so far, as well.
Have some big changes going on right now (which I'll talk about when it's all settled), which I'm sure are contributing to the stress. I can almost feel all of my energy going to dealing with OF subconsciously, so much so that I have very little of anything left to deal with things in my day-to-day. I'm sure this will get much better as fears are cleared away and the root causes dealt with. In the meantime, I turn to caffeine to keep myself going (either pills or Diet Mountain Dew). Eating healthy and exercising feels like swimming upstream - just added stressors. I think I'm eating unhealthy choices often (especially fatty meats, like burgers/wings/bbq/fries/Chick-fil-a). Unfortunately, gaining weight and eating unhealthy stresses me out, too. I still find myself drinking more alcohol, as well.
Using healing and clearing subs, I had an easier time eating better, exercising, and avoiding alcohol. Since FRM subs, that's been a much bigger problem for me. Perhaps it was DMSI telling me to make myself sexier that helped with that, I don't know. I haven't been where I want to be with those things since 2018. I also don't enjoy coffee anymore, whereas I used to drink a pot a day. So a lot has changed, in different ways.
Had a memorable dream again last night. I was staying in a hotel suite that had laundry machines in multiple rooms. I remember counting 8 or so. Then I walked in on a beautiful girl (who appeared to have just showered, as she had her hair wrapped in a towel and was wearing a robe). She told me that I should go clean up the hotel suite, as she disrobed in front of me, and started dealing with arranging her hair. She had a perfect body, and she was clearly very comfortable being naked in front of me. I remember setting off to clean up, and the dream ends there.
Had a tough time sleeping last night.
Woke at 1:30 AM, had to pee, needed water, and was hot as hell - even though I had the AC on and the fan at medium speed.
Stayed up until 2:45 AM, eventually had to take 1mg of melatonin and another diphenhydramine (Benedryl).
More dreams, involving women and money, but don't remember any details.
Tired as hell today, but what's completely different is that today I feel really good - no anxiety, no stress, very good mood.
Going out to celebrate with my wife sans kids now. As I alluded to before, big changes are afoot. Probably will fill the forum in around the end of July.
(06-11-2021, 10:42 AM)RTBoss Wrote: [ -> ]Had a tough time sleeping last night.
Woke at 1:30 AM, had to pee, needed water, and was hot as hell - even though I had the AC on and the fan at medium speed.
Stayed up until 2:45 AM, eventually had to take 1mg of melatonin and another diphenhydramine (Benedryl).
More dreams, involving women and money, but don't remember any details.
Tired as hell today, but what's completely different is that today I feel really good - no anxiety, no stress, very good mood.
Going out to celebrate with my wife sans kids now. As I alluded to before, big changes are afoot. Probably will fill the forum in around the end of July.
Very cool stuff happening for you RT. Very Interesting indeed. Have you heard of and/or tired GABA for relaxing off to sleep again. all natural ebay/amazon,herbal/health stores online have it.... I found it earlier this year....
GABA,SHABA-,JABBA....
or GABA SHABA- DUE Fred Flintstone
Yawl have a good weekend