Subliminal Talk

Sounds slike you're still making progress regardless of how obvious it is, though.

@Shannon  I know I'm making progress I'm just reluctant to look for too much or be fooled by randomness. That said I am increasingly aware of how I don't feel a need nor do I want to try to make myself feel a certain way or repress  my emotions just to please others or avoid conflict.

Second Cycle Day Four - I hit a point last night and this morning where I was very aware at least intellectually that stressing myself out over things I can't control isn't worth it. I have done this most of my life. Allowed other people's moods , annoyances, and inconveniences no matter how trivial get to me. That is just fucked. I did it out of fear. Fear of what I have no idea. I feel a lot of it comes from being a kid and being blamed for quite literally every bad thing that happened to a parent or family member whether it was true or not. Obviously it's not easy being around immature narcissistic people that aren't at all willing to admit they could possibly be wrong about something. Way easier to blame a kid who has no idea what is going on and has no basis for what mental and emotional maturity is because it sure as shit doesn't exist in anyone around him.

Second Cycle Day Four Update - I noticed a little while ago there are a couple of things I have felt really anxious about in the past but I don't feel that way now.As much as I would love to feel indifferent I am not there yet. Hopefully by the end of the first eight month run I will. I will admit a lot of how I feel right now is not just running OF but I am also going through a bit of emotional exhaustion. I am rapidly learning to let go of a lot of shit.

Second Cycle Day Five - Running the loops at the moment. I lost count yesterday and may have run seven or eight instead of the instructed six. I feel ok today and gradually less fearful or anxious. Obviously the deeply ingrained stuff will take time. That's why I have considered doing more than one eight month run before moving on to LTU. Determined to become a good person. I think of how I have been in the past and how I could have easily avoided drama and headaches and I want to get to that point where I am not just self aware but able to walk away from situations and people that are toxic, disrespectful, or insist on wasting my time. I would rather be able to handle things in a calm relaxed manner. I grew up watching grown adults throw tantrums and I see it now. I want to be as mentally and emotionally mature as possible as well as rational in how I handle things.

Second Cycle Day Five Update - It seems as though the longer I listen to OF the calmer and more I feel. At times I can I also feel a sort of buzzing throughout my body. I'm not sure if it's possibly the DRS. I have also noticed I am ok with not talking when I don't feel I have to. The reason I mention this is because I have always felt I am more of an introvert and I have forced myself to be social when I don't want to or feel like it. Probably at times to the embarrassment of not just myself but also my wife as I can think of more than a few occasions I should have just kept my mouth shut and listened or just avoided the situation all together. Why do something you don't really want to do just because you think you have to for some ridiculous sense of belong when in reality you don't want to be a part of whatever it is?

Second Cycle Day 6 - My last day of the second cycle. I feel ok although I didn't sleep very well last night. My fault as I stayed up longer than I should have. I did get a couple of things done today that I was initially planning to do tomorrow which is awesome. I am also going to finally start my exercise routine or program on Monday the 21st. Tired of being tired often if not most of the time. At this point it's all about starting and building the habit. Once that kicks in I should be good to go.

Second Cycle Off Day One - I feel ok this morning. No where near as anxious as I usually feel. Makes me curious as to how much of my anxiety is because of unresolved fears. I remember being a kid and just being terrified that I was always in trouble for something. That probably explains why I had so many stomach issues growing up and even now. I had a step father who had zero problem with displaying his obvious dislike of me. I know lots of kids say things like that but the stories I could tell. I have always had a really hard time just letting go , relaxing, and living my life.

Second Cycle Day Off 2 - I feel really good today mentally and emotionally. Not a whole lot else to say

Second Cycle Off Day 3 - I got woken up by my cat this morning as usual. Feel good. No real anxiety. If there is it's either about wanting to get shit done or not wanting to do some of the things I have to on a daily basis as a part of my job. Most of the time I'm ok with it but because I am a live in aid for a disabled person it's an every day thing. No days off for that. It's spaced out though over the day. This week is a bit crazy for my Wife and I as well because she has doctors appointments to go to and I accompany her . I may have mentioned before how because of our situation and other factors it's easy to feel like you have to sacrifice a lot to make things work and also not be able to do or have a lot of the things that people tend to take for granted. The plus side of that is that because we are the way we are we aren't bogged down or overwhelmed with lots of material possessions or obligations. Yet another beautiful aspect of running OF is to lose that fear of missing out. I would think that at my age I wouldn't care and I want to get to that point. I have struggled for a long time to figure out how to not be distracted by anything that keeps me from doing what I need to do or allows me to make excuses for being lazy and irresponsible. That is why I have forced myself to stay off social media and often limit my online or screen time. It's so counterproductive.

Third Cycle Day One - Currently running some of the loops. I will run the rest later today or this evening. Feel good today. Not sure if it's OF hitting deeper but today it's been difficult for me to hold back what I'm thinking. Not exactly a bad thing because I have been told that I can be a tad hilarious when I let it fly. I am also really starting to understand on not just a intellectual but also an emotional level that someone else's Fucked up and immature beliefs and behavior have nothing to do with me.

Third Cycle Day One Update - I noticed this afternoon I am way more frustrated with people that want to waste my time or bother me with silly shit. I didn't realize until recently how fear has played a huge part in me procrastinating or doing shit I don't really want to do. Maybe I'm just really fucking bored or I'm done feeling like I have tolerated too much stupid shit for too long. Either way running OF has become far more liberating than I expected. Reminds me of one of my favorite quotes from Fight Club

" No Fear No Distractions. The ability to let that which does not matter truly slide ."

That's fine though as I am a big fan of physical minimalism so mental and emotional minimalism only makes sense

Third Cycle Day 2 - Feeling even less anxious. Almost more determined weirdly enough. Quite a bit of regret as well over bad decisions. Hopefully one of these days I will learn not to engage in conversation people who insist on wasting my time. I honestly think I am also learning to accept a lot of things that I would usually ignore or blow off previously. I am just very much hitting that point where I don't see the reason to cause unnecessary problems or headaches by doing something or wanting something for silly reasons. For example say I want to learn a martial art. Do I really want to go somewhere all the time and hang out with what most likely will be a lot of sweaty guys yelling at each other or doing a lot of technical hugging if it was say juijitsu? Definitely not. I now understand on an emotional level that yeah something may seem really cool but I have to really look at the trade offs. Something I haven't done in the past much to my detriment

Third Cycle Day 3 - Last night I was incredibly irritable and had a hard time relaxing. Felt more pessimistic than usual. Still feel a bit irritable today but not as bad.