I'm just starting a new journal. I apologize for posting against the rules. That was stupid of me. Like, REALLY stupid. Glad to be back regardless.
So anyway, things have kinda reset a little bit and now is day 2 of carpetbombing.
Also, I have a field observation report to do for my Intro to Education course. (I changed major's from Psychology to Education btw)
Welcome back, and never forget to use your thinking brain before doing stuff.
Once again, things have reset. Now its day 1 of carpetbombing.
Also, begun work with another mentor who is offering me teaching in getting an understanding of the fundamental blueprint of consciousness as they see it.
First lesson is to gain a clearer understanding of the unconscious self by directly exposing myself to fear "the more irrational the better" My greatest fears are too irrational to expose myself to and what is more, inadvisable anyway. So the advice was given to do public speaking, but I'm fine with public speaking and stage fright isn't a big deal for me. So I figured maybe cold approaching women. But I dunno what to do. When I have time, I will look up some generally useful tips and then I'll just do it. It doesn't matter if I get rejected, so long as I face my fear of the unknown and get a better sense of personal clarity in doing so.
Day 2 of carpetbombing. Things seem like they're getting better for me. I'm resolving issues. I am coming into alignment with who I really am. I am learning to understand my will. I am finding peace. Still, meaningful action is essential.
Anyway, all day field observation for USF from 2:20 to (I think) 12:30 today.
Edit: from 7:20 to about 1:00-1:30 PM
My bad.
(02-28-2020, 06:56 AM)EvolvingPhoenix Wrote: [ -> ]Day 2 of carpetbombing. Things seem like they're getting better for me. I'm resolving issues. I am coming into alignment with who I really am. I am learning to understand my will. I am finding peace. Still, meaningful action is essential.
Anyway, all day field observation for USF from 2:20 to (I think) 12:30 today.
Great Results.
If you can achieve results with your background of resistance, then anyone can.
I am running ARA right now. Will wait until FRM 4.9 is done and then I will jump on USLM 4.2 when it comes out.
Don't get me wrong, I STILL have serious blockages.
It's just that things are getting better. I am also getting help from my new teacher. I shall call them R-sama.
Day 4 of carpetbombing. Nothing new to report so far.
Day 5 of carpetbombing. Nothing new to report as of yet.
Day 1 of bloom. Feels good to be able to listen to music on my phone again. Made some pretty cool steps forward yesterday: minful awareness maintained throughout most of it. Certain realizations made about myself. That being said, I don't have time right now to get into it. But progress is steady.
Day 2 of bloom:
I feel I should share an interesting bit of feedback I got in a DM on another forum. It is a forum where the very nature of the website (without getting too specific, out of respect for this site) is such that the people on it generally endeavor to take a very positive, lovey-dovey approach to things, so you might wanna take the unusually high amount of positivity in this person's language with a grain of salt.
Still, I think it serves as a good indicator of objective feedback regarding my healing progress. Check it:
"I had no idea you were this wise, full of love and so damn intelligent! I have been following you because each time you write something down, there is a learning for me within it. As I said the other day, The young will teach the old...
May I be nosey and ask, what was it that shifted within you? Something has jarred your understanding into movement, what was it? Maybe there is something I can also utilize from your new insight, love and wisdom?"
Of course, in my response to this, I made sure to mention Indigo Mindlabs as playing a very important role in the process, and talked about the emotional healing products, as well as explaining the UMS sub and the version of E3 it has in it, advising them to check this site out.
I just thought it would be a good post to add to my journal here, because it shows objective measure of progress. The forum this DM is from is a forum that has watched me obsess for the past several years over my ex-friend and freak out regularly over incredibly irrational fears, which I am only JUST NOW starting to get a sense of what is going on below the surface, as my esoteric practices currently revolve heavily around exploration of the subconscious and unconscious mind. I am only just recently start to penetrate the mysteries of this aspect of my mind, and while I am receiving instruction on the matter from an experienced individual, I feel that the emotional healing subliminals have DEFINITELY helped even in that sense, by first helping me to be able to make better progress in my practices and also by helping me manifest the teaching and resources useful in that regard.
Thank you once gain Shannon, for the incredibly useful products. I am still in the healing stage of my use of the UMSv1 subliminal, but I can at least say with confidence that even though the E3 part of the UMSv1 sub is focused only on that which stands in the way of financial abundance, it is INCREDIBLY effective and seems to cover a lot of ground just focusing on issues related to that.
I should note that it seems like healing that which stands in the way of financial abundance CLEARLY can cover a lot of ground related to MANY MANY internal issues.
Self repression and unconscious masochism is a big thing for me lately that I am focused on healing, which OBVIOUSLY stand in the way of financial abundance.
I have come to the realization that the whole "incel" label is a lie that people such as myself use as a convenient excuse not to take responsibility for the unconscious self-denial mechanisms we choose to adopt. There is NO SUCH THING as an involuntary celibate, just a virgin who refuses to take responsibility for his decision to be a virgin.
And on that note, personal responsibility seems to be a BIG THING I find myself harping on lately.
I also have much more awareness now of my own self-projections: I realize lately that my impatience with others is really just a projection of impatience with myself, for example.
Another aspect of taking personal responsibility.
While there are MANY factors at play regarding the process of coming to these kinds of realizations, I must give due credit to Indigo Mindlabs and Shannon's fine work for helping me to reach such a point!
And as for Shannon's assertion once that I unconsciously have a very strong willpower that was making progress in my healing less harmonious, he is most likely very right, but what's cool is that the process of self healing and inner work that these subs have nevertheless managed to help me through has lead me to a point where I now have the means and teachings to learn how to more clearly grasp this unconscious part of myself and turn that unconscious willpower into CONSCIOUS willpower! When I manage to get a much better sense of my own psyche, I will have a much easier time not only consciously using that willpower, but also assessing the effects of that willpower so that I am far less likely to inadvertently use it in a destructive manner.
Really good stuff, even if I'm STILL in the E3 focused stage. VERY useful progress so far FOR SURE. MUCH better off now than I was a few years ago, that's for sure!
Day 3 of bloom:
I have undergone some MAJOUR internal changes since last night.
It is hard to explain, and for numerous reasons I cannot explain all of it.
However, I realize an important lesson I am learning: I am learning how to die. I do not just mean this literally, but symbolically. I recognize Death as an archetypal symbol for letting go and making room. This is a lesson I perceive in much of my explorations and experiences.
My attachment to my exfriend was a lesson in dying. My obsession with death related imagery is because I yearn for the love of creation and know deep down that in order to make room for this, I must be ready and willing to die. I have been meditating on my fear with the help of certain practices and substances. I appreciated the mysterious essence of self perceived in the illusion that is my fear. I think my fear is rooted in a fear of surrender to this process, and likely so is the root of my trauma.
EDIT: 3 FUCKING DAYS?!
My progress lately is HELLA rapid. I have NO IDEA how much I might change in the course of a single day at this point. The above realization, along with numerous others which are VERY significant, has been made in the course of a night.
It is as though one night is all it takes to make changes so radical that I feel like a different person.
I have been into violence and death related imagery and aesthetics my whole life, using Grimm as an alias since high school and the phoenix as an inspirational image and moniker since the friendship breakup with the Scorpio I have been learning to let go of my attachment to.
I am embodying the archetype I have been so obsessed with.
I am letting go and changing rapidly.
I am learning to die, so I can make room for creation.
I was watching a movie last night. Over the course, I made many realizations.
During the previews, there was one for a musical with rap, modern pop music, latin music and other stuff pertinent to modern culture. I noted the difference in aesthetic but sameness in essence in comparison to most musicals. I pondered the reason people like musicals and I came to the conclusion that it doesn't matter the particular style of music: Broadway showtunes, Rock Opera, Metal, Hip Hop, Pop, whatever. At the end of the day, people watch these kinds of movies because they wish they wisj to peer into a world where people spontaneously break out into creative self expression, primarilly in the form of music. I spoke under my breath as I said this. I concluded: "They long to live in a world of creativity."
I have a tendency to realize things as I say them.
When I said: "They long to live in a world of creativity" an IMMENSE pain suddenly hit me put of NOWHERE. I broke down sobbing immediately upon saying it.
I tend to wear beanies, so I pulled mine down and quietly wept uncontrollably, processing heavy amounts of inyense and incredibly deep and buried pain.
This was the beginning of many realizations, which ultimately lead to the above realization by the end of the night.
I left you alone for a while because I knew there was nothing more I could do to help you. The rest had to come from you. It seems you have been making progress. That is a pleasant surprise. Thank you for that.
No man, THANK YOU!
Your product has been majorly helpful.
Thank you so much!
And people are noticing too. I keep pointing them to your products LOL.
Day 4 of bloom. God, day 4? I am ALWAYS surprised by how little time has gone by!
I am today feeling... immensely powerful. I dunno how to explain it. I'm excited really. Grinning!
I don't know really how to explain it other than that there's this sense I am starting to become aware of some hidden power I have been suppressing this whole time, almost like it NEEDED to be suppressed.
I think I am discovering my Will!
I feel like I am building up and I am on the verge of reaching that point where if I'm not careful, I might explode, not in anger, but as a force!
Best way I can explain it.
Thanks Shannon. Something is changing, and it is getting ready to blow shit up!
And as I become less fearful, the sense that I need to be careful is starting to fall away. I do not know. I am still holding back...
But I am revving up. This is exciting!
Better contact my latest mentor for guidance before things get out of hand.
Still, I got some mundane shit to take care of. Class assignment due Tuesday. Group work. Don't wanna be THAT group member. You know the kind. The slacker. It's just... God. I feel like I could... I dunno.
I feel a bit of worry, as though if I don't get some help, my Will is going to be UNLEASHED upon the planet. I dunno if I or anybody else could handle that.
It's like some sort of giant magical cork is about to pop out of the center of a giant volcano and the whole world is going to get covered in lava.
I can't explain the feeling. It's like something exciting is about to happen fast, and a part of me is scared what. But since I am healing, my fear is so minimal compared to what it used to be, and now it's turning into excitement and anticipation!
It's partially because I am starting to realize that this whole time, the only thing that has stopped me was me, and I'm kinda feeling like that was up until now probably a good thing, for myself and for others. That is the part of me that still feels apprehensive.
There is a counter voice to all this excitement: "Uh-oh"