Subliminal Talk

I found out 30 minutes ago my scratch-off had already been cashed out. I've never played these, so I wasn't aware I could validate my ticket locally. I called the FL lottery this afternoon and found out at a local gas station. I was planning on going to West Palm tomorrow, so I'm glad I called them. No $500,000 winner here.

I've been in touch with a miner friend this afternoon, and I told him about this. He asked me "what's going on over there?" since I was quiet. I told him I was listening to music videos and trying to allow feelings to surface. I'm a little disappointed and embarrassed I didn't know about this, but what is sitting in me is totally unrelated. But very connected in my life. A melancholy connection.

This morning a trusted coworker I've known 2 years now went down a road which stuck in my gut. This guys done 4 prison terms, and an older worker who I worked with earlier in the week said "there's only one reason someone goes back to prison 4 times; I think he was into some homosexual stuff", and he was being serious. I'd never made that connection. It stuck in my head.

This morning the former inmate made some "funny" aggressive comments to me in a room with 10 or so men, asking if I'd ever done any homosexual activities, giving the hint he wanted me to be his "bitch". I laughed it off, hoping to disempower the tension I felt, but I was embarrassed, even ashamed. I didn't react or defend myself, at all. Felt similar to me and my brother.

This is connected to my own brother when I was younger. He attempted to rape me when I was around 12, I've blocked it out--and this act was linked in my head to my brother leaving home so rapidly, like it was my fault he left. I've not resolved that yet, but this E3 has done more than any other healing sub for traumatic wounds so far. It pushes the connecting buttons.

My mood dropped a better part of the day.

But I knew this is connected to UMS's workings. It was actually confirmed near the end of the day when I watched another peer leader in our company help my Haitian temp get geared up to do a job for us. The leader was putting his hands on the temps head putting on a face mask, and he showed no fear or insecurity being physical with the temp. He was at ease with himself, and I was in awe of his internal comfort, still feeling pain and old fear from this morning. It made sense why I try to lead with some distance. And why I tend to want to abandon my workplace at times, a place where 95% of the workers are male.

I'm not helpless. Yet emotionally, it's tied to a feeling of helplessness. And fearful that if I go there with all the fear and hurt, I'll be stuck there. That's why I've kept such great distance from this feeling.

No financial winnings today. But this emotional roadblock finally, even coincidentally (?), came up today. I began loops over an hour ago.

Took a water break. Part of me welled up, wanting to NOT stay in the same spot. If I use the same tools and same habits to "cope" with problems (mostly avoid them), I'll be stuck. I've stayed stuck for eons now. I'm so fricken tired of this shit. I'm not sure what's going on in me, but it does feel stronger than where I've been before.

I've had 2 interactions with males online in this last hour. One a customer service rep since my cell phone payment wasn't going through, and the other, a miner friend of mine since he's trading for me. Both went way out of their way to assist me. And both I'd had images of them doing the exact opposite before anything happened. I'm sitting with that.

Looks like UMS is working for you!

Thanks EP.

(11-07-2019, 04:37 PM)findingme Wrote: [ -> ]I found out 30 minutes ago my scratch-off had already been cashed out.  I've never played these, so I wasn't aware I could validate my ticket locally.  I called the FL lottery this afternoon and found out at a local gas station.  I was planning on going to West Palm tomorrow, so I'm glad I called them.  No $500,000 winner here.

I've been in touch with a miner friend this afternoon, and I told him about this.  He asked me "what's going on over there?" since I was quiet.  I told him I was listening to music videos and trying to allow feelings to surface.  I'm a little disappointed and embarrassed I didn't know about this, but what is sitting in me is totally unrelated.  But very connected in my life.  A melancholy connection.

This morning a trusted coworker I've known 2 years now went down a road which stuck in my gut.  This guys done 4 prison terms, and an older worker who I worked with earlier in the week said "there's only one reason someone goes back to prison 4 times; I think he was into some homosexual stuff", and he was being serious.  I'd never made that connection.  It stuck in my head.

This morning the former inmate made some "funny" aggressive comments to me in a room with 10 or so men, asking if I'd ever done any homosexual activities, giving the hint he wanted me to be his "bitch".  I laughed it off, hoping to disempower the tension I felt, but I was embarrassed, even ashamed.  I didn't react or defend myself, at all.  Felt similar to me and my brother.

This is connected to my own brother when I was younger.  He attempted to rape me when I was around 12, I've blocked it out--and this act was linked in my head to my brother leaving home so rapidly, like it was my fault he left.  I've not resolved that yet, but this E3 has done more than any other healing sub for traumatic wounds so far.  It pushes the connecting buttons.

This might be more serious than you think.  For guys who’ve done serious time, those comments are NEVER just a joke.  At best it’s a dominance move, at worst he means it literally, but calling another guy a bitch is deadly serious for him.

Sorry you had to go through that. That tool sounds like a proper degenerate. After multiple incarcerations, these idiots tend to learn quickly how to spot guys who may have any sort of fear or anxiety regarding such stuff so as to try to exploit it later, as well as guys who are easily manipulated. Try not to panic, just watch yourself around the guy, and if you can, steer clear of him.

Now, I believe that the best way to deal with such situations, and not have to go through them in the future, is removing the embedded fear/trauma (easier said than done, I know, but that's why we're using these subs ); pricks like this don't pick on people who they can't scare into submission.

Until then, even though you may be scared and the natural reaction may be to cower defensively, should he try to pull shit like that, or any other sort, again, make him know through your body language etc. that should push come to shove, regardless of any fears you may have (I mean, it's only natural to experience some fear in the presence of a primitive aggressor), if he tries anything, you're going to do your damnedest to tear his balls off with your bare hands. These types of guys usually do not pick on people who are ready to defend themselves.

I'll reply to the last 2 replies shortly. The FRM is really working today showing me my active fears.

In short, I realized why I play awkward around others--so that will be the focus, and not me, the true me.

I'd been wondering and thinking of my writing history here. I realize I've constantly been bringing in truths about my life, BUT I purposely share negatives or undesirable issues to filter out imagined rejection. Me sharing this kind of message, I believe, is me rejecting people first before they reject me. I am feeling fear of being known and hurt, so I proactively push people away.

It's scary writing that, for it's true. I've made it hard for people to get to know me, and it's all because of fear. I began recognizing a lot of my fearful patterns today.

(11-08-2019, 01:54 AM)Paul1131 Wrote: [ -> ]This might be more serious than you think.  For guys who’ve done serious time, those comments are NEVER just a joke.  At best it’s a dominance move, at worst he means it literally, but calling another guy a naughty little girl is deadly serious for him.

I saw it as a dominance move when it happened. He was laughing since he knew he already had won any battle with me, and I merely cowered in my demeanor. He was in that "let's have fun kicking someone's ass" mood, which isn't too common, but it's a violent street mentality which is fucked up and needs very little gas for it to blow up.

And he never called me his bitch, but he was reveling like he'd won that too. I picked up that message from his look and words.

This morning I saw him, he approached me like he usually does, which I have interpreted as safe. When I saw him, I thought about telling him about my reaction yesterday, but decided not to. His mood today was back to his normal at work, which is loud and boisterous, and I had no desire to re-awaken what I saw yesterday. That was my real reason for letting it lie; my own safety.

(11-08-2019, 06:30 AM)Have at ye Wrote: [ -> ]Sorry you had to go through that. That tool sounds like a proper degenerate. After multiple incarcerations, these idiots tend to learn quickly how to spot guys who may have any sort of fear or anxiety regarding such stuff so as to try to exploit it later, as well as guys who are easily manipulated. Try not to panic, just watch yourself around the guy, and if you can, steer clear of him.

Now, I believe that the best way to deal with such situations, and not have to go through them in the future, is removing the embedded fear/trauma (easier said than done, I know, but that's why we're using these subs ); pricks like this don't pick on people who they can't scare into submission.

Until then, even though you may be scared and the natural reaction may be to cower defensively, should he try to pull shit like that, or any other sort, again, make him know through your body language etc. that should push come to shove, regardless of any fears you may have (I mean, it's only natural to experience some fear in the presence of a primitive aggressor), if he tries anything, you're going to do your damnedest to tear his balls off with your bare hands. These types of guys usually do not pick on people who are ready to defend themselves.

Yeah, I worked in a prison for 3 months but left since I'd admitted my fear of getting hurt to my lieutenant (I had a young toddler at home), and she told me inmates sense one's fear. It makes them vulnerable. And this coworker was playing on me like that. It makes me angry knowing he was pulling my strings.

No, it just pisses me off. He was a prick bully for a day, and I won't be around him if he wants to pull that shit again.

Edit: dumb forum "translators" again. I wrote p r i c k bully without the spaces, and it replaced it with "meanie". Just doesn't mean what I wrote.

I must admit this. Old fears of being hurt physically have me trying to defend the assailant, my coworker. I've seen him pissed just a few times, and I feared he'd smash me if I crossed him. Fuck!

I find myself in my survival mindset, which is me giving up all sense of power and opposition.



Feeling my fears, I've rarely had such fears with this coworker. Seriously. I've spent a lot of enjoyable time around him. I have this knowing this is more about memories of my brother's anger. He was always, every single time, a RAGE fighter. No plan when he was mad. Just anger, force, and adrenaline.

That's what is scaring me. I felt helpless around that rage. The coworker's asshole move reflected that mindset that he'd not be violent as long as I was compliant. That scared the fuck out of me, since that's what happened to me with my brother. I think he tried to rape me in rage.

Dammit. Crying.

(11-08-2019, 04:22 PM)findingme Wrote: [ -> ]

(11-08-2019, 06:30 AM)Have at ye Wrote: [ -> ]Sorry you had to go through that. That tool sounds like a proper degenerate. After multiple incarcerations, these idiots tend to learn quickly how to spot guys who may have any sort of fear or anxiety regarding such stuff so as to try to exploit it later, as well as guys who are easily manipulated. Try not to panic, just watch yourself around the guy, and if you can, steer clear of him.

Now, I believe that the best way to deal with such situations, and not have to go through them in the future, is removing the embedded fear/trauma (easier said than done, I know, but that's why we're using these subs ); pricks like this don't pick on people who they can't scare into submission.

Until then, even though you may be scared and the natural reaction may be to cower defensively, should he try to pull shit like that, or any other sort, again, make him know through your body language etc. that should push come to shove, regardless of any fears you may have (I mean, it's only natural to experience some fear in the presence of a primitive aggressor), if he tries anything, you're going to do your damnedest to tear his balls off with your bare hands. These types of guys usually do not pick on people who are ready to defend themselves.

Yeah, I worked in a prison for 3 months but left since I'd admitted my fear of getting hurt to my lieutenant (I had a young toddler at home), and she told me inmates sense one's fear.  It makes them vulnerable.  And this coworker was playing on me like that.  It makes me angry knowing he was pulling my strings.  

No, it just pisses me off.  He was a meanie bully for a day, and I won't be around him if he wants to pull that shit again.

Edit: dumb forum "translators" again.  I wrote p r i c k bully without the spaces, and it replaced it with "meanie".  Just doesn't mean what I wrote.

Don’t feel bad.  Any CO who says that they didn’t feel some fear at first is a &:$$& liar or an idiot.  And I’ve seen some of the fearless young guys (and gals) learn fear the hard way.  The key isn’t showing them that you aren’t scared, they know better, it’s showing that you will do what you need to anyway.

Wow that's fucked up! findingme, you need to ask arpund on internet forums that have people who specialize in dealing with these situations and ask for advice. This is pretty serious. Evem if the guy's just bullying, ypu dont wanna even metaphorically be his b*tch!

EP,

For many years, I wrote on malesurvivor.org's discussion boards, a site for males having experienced sexual abuse as either children or adults. I don't go there often now since a lot of men there are in their first awakenings of things still affecting them, and I tend to feel very powerless thinking of that place. There's a lot of pain there, and people's reaction to this would be similar to yours. That won't help the real issue. The real issue lies within me, in the buried and unhealed memories with my brother. He hurt me the first time, and UMS allowed my eyes to be open to see a similarity in my coworker's intent which scared the shit out of me. Since then, 2 days ago, I've not had such fears around him.

UMS (E3 actually) is doing its job. Thank God. I've lived with this fear of remembering for years, and about every hideout, mental or physical escape, and avoidance tactic came from this. Me trying to control and direct it while trying to heal, as I did in years past, was all fear leading me.

But it's also brought on some points of strength too. I was thinking of these while writing you here, as they don't rescue me from pain I feel, but they do give me some hope, joy, and peace. I'll hold onto those instead of digging, digging, and digging to only find pain. Heck, I even wondered if I had multiple personalities while communing with these other survivors since my closest contact on the site actually did have this. I'm finding we all have some shades of dissociation under stress, but multiple personalities go much, much deeper. Fear is what keeps them alive, so maybe Shannon is moving towards healthy integrations of old hurt parts of ourselves. That's one of my main reason for being on UMS, and it's definitely having an effect on me.

Thanks anyway for the suggestion, EP. I took time to reflect here. Been writing over 30 minutes now.

Okay. You know what you need. Glad E3 is doing it's job