Subliminal Talk

Post 2nd run, a lot of mental fatigue combined with some pretty significant down/depression spells. Then, they'll disappear and be replaced with a warm fuzzy feeling, and then that'll disappear and I'll feel down again. 

I'm not sure what's being worked on, but something sure seems to be. We'll see how that shapes up in the coming weeks. 

On another note, I re-downloaded the ultrasonic FLAC file. SHA256 matches!

That has to be FRM alternately working and being resisted.

Began 3rd Cycle last night.  Ultrasonic FLAC, 13/15 volume, Galaxy S9 stereo speakers.

As rest days progressed this last week, my wife and I experienced serious issues.  Both of us had some pretty nightmarish dreams.  I had them for the last 3 days, and my wife says she had them all week.  Her sleep has been poor as a result.  

During waking hours, my wife has been experiencing some severe GI discomfort for the last 3 days, and said she's been very stressed about things that normally wouldn't stress her that much. She's also found her first gray hair. I doubt it's the sub - she's in her early 30's. But being a real blonde, it's something to note. She's not happy about it, lol.

As for me, my brain has been eating up my neurotransmitters - seriously tanking my serotonin and leaving me deeply depressed.  Yesterday, I had no choice but to take l-tryptophan multiple times.  I dosed at least 8 grams over the day, and each time I did, I felt much better.

This morning, I feel pretty good.  Certainly nothing like yesterday morning.  I had some weird dreams last night, but nothing particularly frightening.  

So far, no external manifestation of luck or success (that I can put my finger on - perhaps there are some things developing that I'm not noticing yet).  My brother-in-law has offered to do some work on our house that my wife wants done - which is awesome of him to do - but it's also nothing out-of-the-ordinary from him.  

2 more loops tonight, then 6 more days of rest.

Approx 104 hours since finishing my last 2 loops of USLM 4.1.

Feeling good, so long as I keep up on the L-tryptophan - no more really down moods, irritability, or depression.  I do feel quite tired otherwise, so taking naps most days.  My wife seems to still be more stressed and irritable than is typical for her, and she's not been sleeping well.

My brother is in town for the first time in a few years.  Yesterday, we went to the zoo w/ our mom and my kids.  It just so happened to be Member Appreciation Day, so we got free tickets for the train (which the kids love, but usually costs $6/person round-trip) and then 30% off food.  I also happened to bring our zoo cups that are refillable for $1 (versus $7 for new drinks). It's the first time I've remembered to do that all year. Mom also treated everyone to lunch before we left - so free for us, and cheaper than usual for her (30% off). 

Last night, my kids and I joined my folks and brother for dinner.  We went to a place we like and have never had poor service.  It wasn't that busy, which is unusual - it's packed most nights.  We all ordered drinks, and the server insisted we all get free samples to try different beers.  We then ordered dinner.  Salads came for my parents and brother, as all ordered fish - which was around $20/plate.  I ordered a Reuben, and ordered the kids Kid's Meals.   After 30 minutes, my kids were getting pretty impatient and started acting out.  My dad asked our server how much longer the food would be (as the kids were really hungry), and the server responded that the "kitchen is backed up," but that he'd "check on it."  We didn't see him again for another 30 minutes, during which the table next to us - that had arrived and ordered after us - received their food first (for more people, I might add).  My dad then got super-pissed and went to find the manager.  When he came back, Dad told us he chewed the manager out.  Dad had that look on his face that I saw frequently as a teenager!    Next thing we know, our food has come out (via a different server), the manager comes and apologizes and says the entire table's worth of meals is on him.  Probably a $100 comp.

Like I said, this has never happened at this particular restaurant - and it was strange, because the restaurant wasn't as busy as it usually is.  Furthermore, our service started out great, and then deteriorated from there.  So I'm not sure if this situation was affected by my presence and use of USLM.  To me, this wasn't a very pleasant way of receiving a free meal.  Something unpleasant had to occur for us to receive compensation - so it felt as if we "paid" for it via a negative experience.  Seems this could have been merely an unfortunate experience that happened to us, and it could have happened regardless of my being there or not.  But really, how weird that the table next to us didn't have any issues (different server, though), and we had even asked after our food 30 minutes prior?  It's like we were just forgotten about.

Anyway...

Not much else to report.  Had weird dreams all week, but they've been less-and-less disturbing.  This morning, my last dream was weird, in that a white, faceless visage of a person walked past my bed, put its hands on me, and then shook me awake - to which I actually awoke IRL and looked around for the person.  Of course, no one was there.  Never had a dream like that before.

This last week has been...eh.  My wife had to work on Sunday, so I cut our rest days short by one.  So for her, it was 2X2, 5X0, then 2X2. Ultrasonic, FLAC, stereo phone speakers, 13/15 volume.  She's reported an eye-twitch, and is generally feeling stressed out this week. She's not really the "feeling stressed" type.

The reason I say "for her" is I ran 2X2 US, 5X0 Rest, 2X2 US, 1X3 Hybrid (6/15 volume).

I don't know why I did that, other than I am frustrated and resistance is winning out.  Nothing happening in my day-to-day other than feeling bad.  I can't even regulate my mood anymore, I just don't feel good.

Got some free bread sticks the other day with my pizza, because the pizza place gave my pizza away to someone else.  So again, I was inconvenienced to get something free - something I didn't even want.  My kids wouldn't eat them, and I'm already up on my weight, so the breadsticks weren't something I needed, at all.  I ate 2 and felt bad about it, lol.  

I went back and looked at my journals.  Essentially, I've been generally miserable since the introduction of FRM in USLM2 and not getting any healing & clearing.  I haven't ran anything with E3, so I have no idea how FRM w/ H&C would affect me.  Sex on DMSI 3.3 was good, so there was a benefit there, but my mood and mental state suck ass.

Not sure what to do at this point.  I had one positive dream the other night (the extra night of 3 hybrid loops) where I graduated from college (instead of dreaming I was skipping class) and my professor told me I was his favorite student, and said he was proud of me.  Unfortunately, my waking life hasn't seen any such progress - that I can see, anyway.  

Thinking of just stopping and running E2 to feel better.  I have vacation next week, and unfortunately, I'm not excited about it.  

How about trying a volume increase? I find that usually I do best with volumes between 12 and 14/15. Too low a volume will not provide sufficient motivation in some cases.

Or you could just stop using it. I probably would just stop while I was on vacation if it's doing that.

E3 with FRM, I'm not sure is a good idea so far. But there are changes coming.

I think I'll stop for a bit.

I used 13/15 volume while using ultrasonic. I started out high volume with hybrid, then lowered volume because I couldn't stand it - only at 6/15 could I sleep. That being the case, I just probably won't use hybrid anymore.