My main reason for using E3 is to be worthy.
I have realised that I base my self worth on -
- How good my body looks
- How much money I have
- How attractive my girlfriend is
- What I have achieved down the academic path
- How many of my desires I have achieved
Just to name a few that come to my mind...
I of course want all these things and I am getting much better at 'attaining' some of these things or at least moving in the direction of. But I believe/feel that to truly achieve these things, the self worth has to be there first, be genuine and come from within myself and then when that is so, the outside (my external reality) will reflect my self worth back to me.
The whole bad feelings of not feeling worthy because I am not this, or I don't have this or I can't do this etc is really not a nice feeling. I don't feel it consciously all the time, but I have really looked inward to do my best to see what is going on.
Another thing that came up when I was in a previous relationship (A few girlfriends back) is that if my girlfriend openly found a certain celebrity/actor attractive and had that turned on look in her face when seeing him on a movie, it would really bother me and I would then compare myself to that actor. The weird thing is some actors I did not feel this way about (the ones that I like and hold in high esteem) and actually could easily agree that they are attractive (attractive people do exist) but something was going on with the other ones which would make me feel less than. I don't fully understand it, it seems hidden, entangled but it was there and would like for that to go please.
To feel better (what I noticed at the time) a way around that, was to realise that I can do the same towards actresses that are attractive and rationalise that what she can do, I can do. It works both ways. Enhanced the fact there is attractive women out there that, I can feel that way about, just like she is feeling about these actors.
But when I went onto that path, I then started thinking what is the point of even being together in the first place. If she is lusting over these actors while watching a movie and I can do the same just to rationalise I can do the same to make me feel better, what is the point being together in a relationship if we both can easily find other people attractive enough for our body to want to mate with them lol. I realised that I don't actually go by just looks, especially for actresses, I don't personally know them, so they could be attractive but their personality could make them ugly, so this is why I don't just lust over celebrities because I seek more than just physical alignments of who they are as a person. So it had to do with the fact that she just automatically likes the person because he was an actor, celebrity, had a good body, good looking, without even knowing who he really is, personally. This screams superficial to me and I despise superficiality. It feels like just following the band wagon and not thinking for yourself, I don't know It is hard to explain.
Anyway, that is as far as I am going to speak about that as it uncovers a can of worms that is all entangled and can never truly understand. The more I try, the worse it feels and the more complex it seems. I will just put it down to F
ear and lack of self worth AND
the girl not meeting my standards and preferences of what I want in a girlfriend.
So yeah, I am going to take a long period of time, be single and focus on my goals, heal and clear. Then, when I do meet a nice compatible girl that I have a connection with in years to come (after I have achieved and fulfilled more of my own potential) then I will be able to have a more loving, healthy, enjoyable, successful relationship.
I am also hoping that this will help me achieve my goals that I have, as each of these goals that I have when achieved, will allow me to live more of a life that allows me to be who I really am. Outward expression of my core, if you will.
@
Fluffy how was your first day of E3?
(03-28-2019, 12:34 PM)THolt Wrote: [ -> ]@Fluffy how was your first day of E3?
Yeah 2 nights so far, listening to my 3rd night in a minute. All good so far. I think I feel something going on under the hood but I will update when I am more deeper into this run.
Another thing I want to be honest with myself about is that I don't like the way I look in a lot of photos. I don't know what it is but when I was in my early 20's I use to be more "photogenic" and these days taking selfies of myself or just having photos taken of me, it is like I am not as attractive as I was in my early 20's. I'll be 31 in a couple of months and I would like to get back to being "photogenic".
Good job in real life when I go out I do find attractive girls/women giving me indicators of interest and I do generally feel attractive... As long as I don't look at photos of myself I am alright.
So I don't really know what is going on but I am glad In general I feel attractive and do get looks and indicates of interests from girls and women when I go out, even if it is just at the supermarket.
But when I look at photos of myself, I think, If I don't think I look attractive then no girl would either, but my reality in real life says otherwise in regards to me being attractive.
Updated: I took more selfies of myself trying to find different angles and positions laying on the grass and got a couple I liked.
I don't speak to my mum much as we have different beliefs and we easily get into conflict, but for some reason I showed her some of my selfies (I don't know why) and she started critising them and then telling me how I should do it. (I don't take advice from someone that doesn't have any proof that they are good at it, otherwise it is the blind leading the blind).
My mother basically told me to stop taking it personally, (she is good at getting out of what she says).
This then made me wonder about if she has always been like this through out my childhood? And how did that effect me?
Then It made me feel that I deffiently gotta go do a degree next year as it will allow me to move out and either be around people that are more uplifting, make me feel more impowered, positive influence or just be by myself living my own life moving towards the life that I want and not have people put me down.
Yes, I am being triggered more than normal it seems like. I feel quite weird, like I have a strong desire to be more attractive but I can't be, as I am who I am and have been me all my life.
This is why it feels important for me to go the degree route as the extreme change would give me breathing room to change into someone more of my liking, as living with my parents it feels like they reinforce who I have been, instead of who I want to become.
That sounds like either a case of lacking photogenic energy, or some level of body dysmorphia.
The former is something I noted while I was doing photography professionally, I had some models (and a girlfriend or two) who would produce wildly different levels of photogenic response to the camera on a day by day or week by week basis, and I tracked it down to, all of them were intensely emotional and their feelings apparently affected their personal energy, which seemed to result in either "good" or "not good" pictures of them. One of my ex's had this phenomenon so prominent that I could look at pictures of her after a time, and know what she was feeling, based solely on how well or how poorly the image came out, regardless of the expression she was holding.
Body dysmorphia is when you can only see the image you have of yourself in your mind, not what is actually there.
But it is definitely a self esteem issue based in fear either way, so E3 should be very helpful, given sufficient time.
(03-29-2019, 07:49 AM)Shannon Wrote: [ -> ]That sounds like either a case of lacking photogenic energy, or some level of body dysmorphia.
The former is something I noted while I was doing photography professionally, I had some models (and a girlfriend or two) who would produce wildly different levels of photogenic response to the camera on a day by day or week by week basis, and I tracked it down to, all of them were intensely emotional and their feelings apparently affected their personal energy, which seemed to result in either "good" or "not good" pictures of them. One of my ex's had this phenomenon so prominent that I could look at pictures of her after a time, and know what she was feeling, based solely on how well or how poorly the image came out, regardless of the expression she was holding.
Body dysmorphia is when you can only see the image you have of yourself in your mind, not what is actually there.
But it is definitely a self esteem issue based in fear either way, so E3 should be very helpful, given sufficient time.
Thanks, Shannon.
Yeah that makes sense about my energy "Vibe" affecting how the photos come out. So I am assuming the better I feel about my self or in general, the more that positive energy will shine through the photo.
Yeah I can see how I could have some level (not extreme) of body dysmorphia. I never knew there was a name for something like that but I can see how that could be a thing.
It is really strange, since I have started E3, I see how low my self esteem actually is. It makes me wonder if it has always been low but I have not been consciously aware or maybe covering it up? I don't know, but I am looking forward to increasing it, that is for sure. It feels like it has been a long time coming.
Makes me wonder what life is like with high self esteem, it must be great!
7 night of E3, so far. It's crazy, I thought it had been much longer.
It is very challenging to put into words about what is going on, as I don't really know haha.
But in general the last week I have been really productive and I noticed that I even took action in spite of not wanting to and that really stood out to me, it felt like I had more will power to push through.
I have got pretty clear on my goals and have been taking action daily on each one. I said to myself Monday to Friday I take actions towards my goals each day and then have the weekend to do nothing (Apart from working Saturday and Sunday nights). This allows me to know that I have some days where I can do nothing, as I have the potential to burn out as I am an all or nothing kind of guy, as I am working towards 7 goals!!
I know, it sounds a lot but they area all important for my future. I do need to find a way to find balance between working hard and chilling, as today a part of me is saying having today off will do me good, You don't want to burn out, you know you burn out when you take too much on, if you keep going without more chillout time then you will just end up quitting etc.
Logically I know I need to find balance. Everyday for 5 days a week feels productive for me and I have been doing well and it feels so good to tick of the actions I have completed that day. Sometimes I feel like these goals are going to take a long time, but I keep reminding myself that if I want to succeed THIS is what I have to do, if I don't I wont succeed.
Another thing worth mentioning. I had this thing, where when I would sexually release either through sexual intercourse with a girl or through masturbation with just visualisation of my mind or through porn, I would feel insecure, more anxious and have these feelings of being really sensitive emotionally. After the release my whole reality would be different, I would be different internally, which would change my external reality too.
I can't exactly remember how it all started, but this is the reason I got so good at semen retention, because of the fear and worry that when I release, I wont feel good and the fact that it takes me 7 days to feel 'good' again.
It got so bad that my last girlfriend that I was having sex with, every time I had sex with her and released I went down into depression (This is how it has been for me), it really sucked when I think back about it now. Can you guys imagine having this attractive girlfriend that you WANT to have sex with but you know when you do you are going to go into depression if you do and it will take you 7 days of semen retention to feel good/normal again?
Anyway the last "girlfriend" I had recently (lasted 3 months), we didn't have sex (fortunately for me, she wanted sex after marriage), which fit well with my semen retention. But obviously I am a sexual being and I ended up get more frisky with her and let her give me oral 2 times. Which was great, during them, AMAZING, obviously. But when I released my whole world turned upside down, like serious. Like the upside down in The Stranger Things, tv show LOL
Seriously though, in the moment after the pleasure had subsided, it was like all my 'insecurities' would hit me, insecurities that I never knew I had, but it was not just insecurities it was like this sensitivity of my emotions that was very uncomfortable. So, this kind of made me pull away from the girl, as It was another reason why releasing sexually was bad for me and plus it made me see her in a non positive way too.
Anyway, that is the gist. Moving onto starting E3. I did this interesting thing when I started E3. I started to deliberately masturbate and watch porn for like 5 days straight, multiple times a day. Now this was not because of resistance or fear, it was actually the opposite. I wanted to be in that state where I don't feel good, deliberately. As I realised I did not want to do semen retention because of fear, fear of releasing because it makes me feel all this insecurities or not nice feelings and changes my reality to a not so nice place and releasing is bad and being guilt about it all as a cherry on top.
No. I want to be fine with releasing sexually AND I want to be fine with doing semen retention, because I want to, not because I fear something.
Anyway, I think I actually faced the fear head on, because I got to a place where I was ok with releasing multiple times a day and watching porn, I made sure that I was happy to carry on doing it and not stop because of fear.
Now, I am not saying if a girl gave me oral or I had sex right now and released, I would not feel bad, but I was able to make peace with either action that I take and be ok with it and not let fear drive me either way.
I am now 2 days into semen retention again, and I choose to because I got bored with masturbating, not because of fear of the consequences of masturbating or watching porn.
Now, this was interesting to me, because I have never done this before like this, as in the past I would do it once or twice in one day and then I would have all this fear, guilt, worry come up of the consequences of releasing and/or watching porn and the very next day get back on to semen retention and it was all because of fear.
Now, I don't know what will happen now if I have sex with a girl etc and I wont find out any time soon, as I am not actively looking, but if I happen to meet someone, then I suppose we will see. But if anything, if this is anything to go by, I am hopeful a much longer usage of this could have the potential to really help me in regards to being in a relationship and having sex with my girlfriend and releasing with her and not feeling depressed, fear, worry, insecure, emotionally negatively sensitive after and having to wait 7 days of not releasing to feel better/normal/good again etc. This would be amazing.
Thinking about all this now, I can't believe I have had to deal with something like this. It is really hardcore. But I can see clearly how it is 'emotional' related. But I do not know when, how or why it is all started. But hopefully I will be able to clear this completely and actually be able to have a 'normal' sex life one day, that would be refreshing.
Anyway, I will just crack on cracking on in the mean time.
I seem to be speaking my mind more and not caring as much by the consequences of my actions. After though I realise what I said and wonder why I make an effort to be right and someone else wrong, it's not anger, not necessarily taking it out on other people, but maybe expressing my inner frustrations at my self, outward.
I am very impatient. Just the thought that everything in life take a long time, it really brings me down. Literally any goal worth having takes years of effort, consistent action and hard work. I don't know why now but this truth sucks ass. I don't like knowing that this is the way things have to be. I don't know if it is because I have watched far too many movies in my lifetime as lots of things can happen in a short space of time in a movie.
It's like I know what it is gonna take now for me get to where I want to go and because it will take years of consistent effort, I am scared I won't be able to take consistent actions to be able to achieve and get where I want to go because I get bored easy. It sucks.
I can really see why my goals are a big challenge because I have never achieved them before and I have failed multiple times and for me to achieve them I have to become somebody else to even create the habits to begin with that will allow me to achieve and become the person I want to be.
I have this sinking feeling in my stomach that feels like it is slowing down because everything is not going fast enough for me. More hardwork feels like Sprinting on the spot instead of moving faster to the other location.
It's like I get pumped up, super motivated and take lots of actions, then start to feel bored and lose the reason why I wanted it to begin with.
I am conciously thinking about my end goal right now and what I gotta do to get there and what comes up is doubts and fear. It feels like there is a wall... Maybe even a part of me that don't want me to change... If I start achieving in this direction... I will see what I am capable of.... I'll be free.... I feel like I'll have to fight against the people around me to get there... As I feel they have influence over me..... It is all just emotions though, that makes me feel this.... I am scared of what I am capable of... I will have to leave my parents... I'll have to leave my childhood behind... I'll have to leave my identity behind... A part of me don't want to... Because I miss my childhood... My parents are older... I am the youngest.... I have known my parents the least of all my siblings.... I don't want to regret not spending all the time I have with them when I can.... Once they are gone... They are gone... And I won't be able to change that... My parents hold be back... Because I fear of losing them.... If I leave ill regret it and would have to live with that for the rest of my life...
There is more behind it all but I can't access it, there is a wall.
Maybe the boredom is a natural part of your personality. Or, perhaps it is a way of avoiding what you fear.
Wether a goal takes you one year or ten years to come to fruition. Those years are still going to pass regardless of what you spend your time doing.
If you don't want to leave your parents then that will never happen. You can still talk to them everyday even if you move out. What you will do is make every minute you spend with them count, it will be quality time. They will be proud of you and at peace knowing that you are spending your time wisely, making your dreams a reality..
23 nights of E3, 3 loops a night, hybrid, speakers.
I have just been focusing on my life and my goals. It is not easy to pin point what E3 is doing, but I feel like things are going on but I won't see until later on. I see it like creating all the individual thread and later on seeing what the threads have been creating.
On a top surface level, in a basic way things do seem easier for me, in just knowing what I got to do and just cracking on with it. My willpower has strengthened but some days are harder than others and if I do not accomplish what I have set out to do in the day then I feel down really quickly, as I am not doing what is required of me to move in the direction of my goals. If I mess up and don't do nothing in a day and then if I do everything the next day I feel much better and on track again, even though I have missed a day of not achieving what I set out to do. But I just see it as gently forcing myself to build new habits and as long as I get back on track as soon as I can, I am still making progress because it is better than nothing!
I have been using my mind to focus in a way that is more on the wanted aspects of my desires and have noticed that I am consciously, deliberately doing my best to focus my conscious mind in the right way. I have also been visualising daily directed towards my goals and aspects of what I want in life and also playing with intentions on daily basis (when I feel I am focusing on unwanted aspects of my life, I set intentions and focus on what I do want, which makes me focus my mind in a productive way).
I use to meditate quite a bit off and on before but in all honesty I have not done any meditation since starting E3, I have actually not felt the need to. Now and then I do breath work to centre myself because it feels good to get centred and to come back to that neutral place from time to time.
Because I have got better at consciously directing my mind at the wanted aspects of life and everything in it and have built up momentum in that regard, I am finding it easier now to move to the wanted aspects if my mind seems to drift into unwanted territory. I imagine if I keep this up, my external reality will reflect more of where my focus has been (the wanted aspects).
I suppose this is how I do test how E3 is working, because there has been moments (like today for example) where my mind would get triggered by something and it would go to a memory and then the yucky feelings would come up to do with that memory, perception and ultimately belief. So in this example it was to do with a previous girlfriend and something she did, which made me feel a certain way and made me see her, the relationship and myself in a certain way, which meant I believed it meant this, this and this. So in this example it is still there, so I know it has not been cleared but this example today I spent a maximum of 3 seconds focusing on in when it came up and I choose to focus on something else and choose to see that feeling, perception, belief as not the preferred realty and I chose a different one by focusing on something else. Why pay attention to something that is a false reality?
So yes things might be still there and now and then I might be aware of that but I am finding it easier to consciously redirect my mind and not dwell on that 'version' of reality. Because to me that is all it is, just one version of reality out of infinite versions, so I do not choose that reality no more, as that is not the reality I prefer.
One of my goals is to go to University next year and I am doing my best to crack on with and do what I got to do each day to achieve this, some days I am doing better than others but I am making progress, so that is the main thing. I have been on this dating app for about a month and I am actually meeting up with a girl on Monday for a 'coffee', now this is not me doing this, this is my sexual energy doing this, as I know I want to go to University next year and I do not want anything to come in that way of that (based on past experience) but it seems my penis has been secretly chatting with girls behind my back and has set up a date with a girl this Monday, a girl that is looking for a relationship. So I have this situation where my sexual energy wants what it wants and my logical mind has another plan of achieving my goals and going to University, which is a 4 year degree with the 2nd year studying abroad. It is weird because it seems like I am automatically doing this, I keep saying to myself I can do both and if I am in a relationship when I want to go to University, I can just end it. I am doing my best to 'blend' the desires together, so no matter what happens I am going to University next year, but I can still have all the nice stuff that comes with being in a relationship in the mean time.
Anyway, I am just going with the flow and doing what I got to do goal wise and my penis is obviously doing what he wants to do, which seems like a different direction, as it involves women, but my logical mind and my desire for the life that I envision for myself will win in the end, everything depends on it. The only way it could go really, really smooth is if I go to University next year and I meet a girl there in my class and she has the same plan as me. Then it could work because we are going in the same direction in life, which means we can be together and still achieve our goals.
I will go with the flow man. If my penis could hold off until I go to University next year then it would be a lot easier for me to focus and achieve my goals without anything getting in the way.
31 nights of E3, 3 loops a night, hybrid, speakers.
I had two dates this week lol. One on Monday and one last night. I have been visualising consistently and the girl I met on Monday was the manifestation of before I started my visualising and the one last night was a manifestation from me visualising and I could see a huge difference between them in a multitude of ways. Last night was awesome, had a lot of fun and we are super compatible and she makes me laugh a lot. She is tall and slim and I felt inspired to kiss her last night, so what more can I ask for. I have to say I am really good at manifesting new relationships and this time I have really manifested a girl on my wave length, so I am happy that I have developed a process that works. All I need to do now is actually use the same process for different areas of life. But women side of things so much more fun and my sexual energy makes it easy to be consistent and my penis drives me towards it. Anyway, I am meeting up with her next week again.
This last week or so I have been super tired and not been as motivated to take action towards my goals. Maybe because of the whole woman thing, but I keep telling myself I can have both simultaneously which makes me feel so much more better and allows me to trust things to unfold in that way or something even better. I'll be able to make progress with both I believe, I do want to enjoy my life too and with this girl I am enjoying for sure
I do feel more highly of myself for sure, I do feel more in love with myself, I do feel more compassion for other humans, I do feel more adaptable and becoming aware of insights that allows me to be more adaptable in my mindset, thoughts and emotions. I do feel more comfortable within myself.
I notice not all of it is automatic, I seem to be using my conscious mind to direct my focus on a moment to moment basis (When I am aware), so it is not something that is happening automatically per say, but obviously with these kinds of habits taking form, it is only a matter of time before these things become more automatic.
Had 2nd date last night went all good. But last night I had a dream that involved being at an airport and towards the end I was coming down the escalators and a young version of my pretty ex wife was waiting for me near the bottom (At the begining of our relationship I use to go to her country and meet her at the airport). The dream made me feel weird when I woke up and I "appreciated" that version that was in my dream. And I have a feeling like I can do better than this current girl I am seeing? which is unfortunate because I do like this girl, but it seems in fact at a subconscious level I compare everyone to my exwife as she was the "pinicle". It was a very magical and exciting how we met and everything following that, but I consciously realise and choose to accept that I don't need something like that or some one like that.
I don't know why I dreamed of her though, I don't have any "feelings" about that no more as I have moved on and I am fine with everything.
I wish dreams were not symbolic and were just blunt, in your face, straight to the point lol.
I will now go and focus on my wanted aspects of everything, including relationships in general to get back in the swing of things otherwise I will build up momentum in an unwanted way and who wants that when I have made good progress in this direction.
We get more of what we focus on, so gotta go get back to focusing.
35 nights of E3, 3 loops, Hybrid, Speakers.
So after 23 days of semen retention I released today, consciously. I had a suspicion that I am not thinking clearly because of all the sexual energy and after releasing 3-4 times today, I can say yeah I have definitely been thinking with my penis as of late.
There is benefits to it but there is unbeneficial aspects to it as well.
The last week or so I have gone from focusing on my academic goals, to fully focusing on women/woman because my sexual desire insisted. The funny thing is after releasing today it is like I have come back to my senses and thought to myself "Now I can focus on what is important, now that I have relieved my self of that sexual desire". Seriously it does feel like that.
Everything involves around having sex with women for me, every goal I have on some level involves women. Now what I liked about my long-term goal of going down the academic route and towards working in another country after. is that it too involved women but to get the women (at the end) I have to achieve a lot to get there! a win/win situation and that drove me towards it!
Now with this girl I am seeing now, it is like an instant gratification (I have not had sex with her yet, but that would be inevitable) and it turned me away from my goals. Yes obviously there is some part of me that wants that too, but after wiping out the sex side of it is like, do I really want this? I can think with my logical brain!
I am going to go back on semen retention tomorrow and after 3 days I will think more clearly from both sides. But I am glad I did this now because even though my body thinks it is....sex is NOT the answer, well at least not the complete answer.
Now, right now I don't know what I am going to do to be honest. She is really keen now and my sexual desire made me really keen and I know within 3 days my keenness will come back but I really need to tread carefully, as I do not want to hurt anyone's feelings or anything like that. But right now I am kind of confused because I don't really know what to make of all this.
It seems I can not do both focus on goals which takes me life on one direction and focus on this particular girl that feels like it take my life in another direction. I want them to be the same direction but for some reason it feels like they are different. I have to keep bringing my mind back to my goals.
I mean if I continue and get into a relationship with her and focus on my goals still, then later next year I will have to break up with her. I need to think of the other person in this situation too, as they do have emotions (I am not saying there is any emotions involved right now, but thinking ahead).
I would just tell her I plan to go Uni next year but it is not 100% as I need to pass and gain two qualifications before then, before it is 100% certain. I also do not tell any person my goals anyway as I feel like when I keep them to myself that keep the power and when I tell people it releases the power, it is something I have learned over the year and I am more powerful when I keep things to myself and just do what I got to do and then the results speak for themselves.
Any thoughts on this matter is welcome, I am open to ideas and new ways of looking at this that can allow me to develop my own new way of dealing with this, thinking of this etc.