Subliminal Talk

Good progress.

Thanks Shannon. That's good to know

Woke up motivated to be on time or ahead of schedule. Finished some cooking I'd started. Been paying attention to what's being worked on in me, having run LTU last night.

Then I checked my phone. I'd contacted a product creator a month back, as I was looking for passive income streams I could invest in. He'd messaged me. Weeks back, I'd told him I would pay him when I was paid from crypto. His fee isn't small, but other people's success with him longterm is abundant. The issue is that I've not always been honest with me when doing business with another person. I felt helpless even this morning since I've been dodging him lately. But going back to lies..................no. I couldn't go back.

I decided to open up to him, telling him I have been doing some intense personal healing this last month. My hesitation was not about the business really. Healing is very important to me, and I told him I would have lied before, to him and myself. But that's why I'd been avoiding him. I awaited a reply (conversation on Skype).

He shared he understood completely, having done some intense healing himself these last few years. We chatted some more with plans to reconnect later.

I've even had trouble writing this since I wanted to look good and avoid questions. I've constantly been editing my writing. Some tears popped up intermittently these last few minutes, telling me honesty is close.
UD (inside LTU) is the truth subliminal, for me.

LTU is working.

I've always thought when I wrote, I had to have some clear point THAT HELPED OTHERS.

"Hi. My name's Findingme, and I'm a codependent who'll say anything for anyone to make them happy. If they're happy, I'm happy, so that's why I'm here today"

I kind of giggled on that one, for it's the truth. Truth is funnier than fiction--for sure. And it was a little stress relief. This is my first day of break, and I'm a little stressed/sad/scared since I've been in spots today where I'm seeing fruits of my fear of failure. And imagining it.

For example, one of our managers, the only woman on the team, is taking me and 2 others out to lunch tomorrow as a thank you for our recent work. I like her since she's not afraid of honesty. I've been imagining what she'll ask and I'm trying (in my thoughts) to be honest. Me doing that is touching me right in my gut, as that is the very thing I've avoided doing most of my life: being honest with myself.

Today this hit me. One of the good temp workers was working with me, and his phone was stolen from his bag by another temp. I was afraid, imagining me being asked all kinds of questions (with me feeling all vulnerable already), and I didn't even report this until the end of the shift. Me even doing that was a gift, for I had just exited the building and was walking toward my van when I realized I'd be up a creek if I didn't report it. So I turned around. It worked out so smoothly, as when I almost spilled out what happened to our lady manager, a veteran worker came in at that moment with the temp whose phone was stolen, and beat me to it. Whew.

My life has a number of things in it, all pointing back to me fearing exposure of the truth, and hiding out from consequences for as long as possible. I'm feeling ashamed since I'm realizing how long I've been doing this, and am afraid I'll have to admit "I was afraid" to people sooner or later. I'm not winning by hiding.

Ok, I wrote not focusing on making others happy with me. Nah, that's Bullshyt. My fear stayed with me. I'm trying not to whine full-time, but this is only 2 cycles of LTU so far. I don't want to stay in this shit, but I do have to walk through it (I think). Yeah, I have to face it; otherwise it'll continue haunting me.

You have to overcome it and outgrow it. How hard it is depends on you.

(04-19-2019, 08:45 AM)Shannon Wrote: [ -> ]You have to overcome it and outgrow it.  How hard it is depends on you.

I'm realizing I keep making it hard.  "If I focus on it being "hard", noone will ask me what I'm really scared of"

I've been....terrified of failing, for I feel pain just imagining it.  I think I associate it with people leaving me.  Maybe I'm reliving something now, as this is unusually vivid in my emotions.  I must be, as I tried changing my POV, and I felt unable to do so.  Like I'm hanging onto pain.  Why would I do that?  

I'll post this.  Fear is trying to have me delete/ignore this.

****EDIT: Wrong thread.****

(04-19-2019, 02:04 PM)findingme Wrote: [ -> ]

(04-19-2019, 08:45 AM)Shannon Wrote: [ -> ]You have to overcome it and outgrow it.  How hard it is depends on you.

I'm realizing I keep making it hard.  "If I focus on it being "hard", noone will ask me what I'm really scared of"

I've been....terrified of failing, for I feel pain just imagining it.  I think I associate it with people leaving me.  Maybe I'm reliving something now, as this is unusually vivid in my emotions.  I must be, as I tried changing my POV, and I felt unable to do so.  Like I'm hanging onto pain.  Why would I do that?  

I'll post this.  Fear is trying to have me delete/ignore this.

The step you need to take then, is to overcome your dependence on others "not leaving you".  You need to make yourself understand that you can make it without others just fine.  You must become your own source of everything you seek from them.  That is when you will stop focusing into the reality that is based on being alone/left by others because that is what you fear and focus on.  Provide for yourself, and you will become invincible.

A lot of guys like to focus on pain because they are taught that it is "the manly thing to do".  Men are taught that they must not only suffer, but do so as a point of pride, seek it out, revel in it.  The old nut about "No pain, no gain" is a prime example of this.  It has been known by science since around the 1960's, IIRC, that you can gain muscle mass simply by intensely visualizing yourself working out every day, instead of actually doing it.  It absolutely does not have to be painful, but because guys have been fed these lies about how "men must suffer, seek out suffering and pretend to enjoy it to be 'real men'" since birth - and they quite naturally believe it, hearing it from everyone and that early on in life - this kind of false crap gets perpetuated.

Yeah. Normally I'd be anxious and fearful as I compared myself to others. This has been a regular habit of mine. But the beauty of the FRM is that it's working. I have the privilege of using LTU, and the very fears I spoke of last night are being chipped away at. I'm starting to notice that when I'm really scared of something, that's when the FRM is working on it. I'm not scared this morning, and that's nice! Thank you Shannon for creating this

And being on LTU has made me aware of limiting beliefs, and I have never even thought of them before. Part of me is asking "do I really need to do this? Why?" I've been thinking about this the last few days, but wasn't sure about posting it.

I'm getting these awarenesses steadily. It is refreshing since I'm just doing my day to day activities, and I'll see and feel some obvious truth--and I wasn't even looking for it. What I am aware of are the ties to fear having kept them repressed for so long. In me, fear suffocates common sense and awareness of other possible solutions. And without fear's tentacles wrapped up in a problem, it's like "oh, there's my solution", and I move towards it. This is good. Very, very good.

Life doesn't need to be so hard. I can make it hard, but I'll start saving my energies for better uses. Thank you for making LTU and the FRM, Shannon. It's a deep, rich, beautiful experience.

Off to work now.

I had an experience a half hour ago, and it affected me. I'm still sitting with numerous feelings, shame the biggest one. I came home and turned on my LTU loops, hybrid.

I got off work at noon, and decided just as I was driving out that I'd go to Walmart to pick up some cooking supplies. I was in uniform, feeling self conscious that I'd gone shopping before while wearing it, using it as an ego boost. Today I was feeling a small level of shame, so that's why I was allowing of this "front". I was very attentive to others, for a LOT of people were their doing Easter shopping.

I relaxed for a second, knowing I often see people I know. I looked forward to it. I saw myself in my head being real with imagined people. 5 minutes later, I stood feet across from a confident man in his 50's who I'd known from Alcoholics Anonymous meetings. I asked him (in cloaked language for anonymity) if he was still going to meetings, and he said yes, confidently. I shared that I'd not been in a while, and he invited me back.

I was honest with myself and him for a moment, asking if I'd be embarrassed by others for not going. He'd already reminded me of the Tuesday 630PM meeting, and he said "noone will mess with you if you sit near me. Come sit right next to me". I honestly and even emotionally thanked him, for all I was being invited to do (from my perspective) was open my heart up again.

We parted, and I was still trying to keep up a front around so many people I did not know. I began seeking permission from myself to go to Tuesday's meeting, but also wondering why. I wanted to go not since I'm an alcoholic, but since some people believe in me. Tuesday night's meeting is a men's meeting, so bullshit doesn't fly there. I know I've changed some. In fact, the more I thought of it, I began getting soft inside. Feeling more vulnerable, I looked for old emotional shields I've used before. I couldn't really find them, so I just looked ahead, avoiding eye contact with others.

I walked towards checkout, and I saw another man I knew from Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACA). I asked him how he was doing, knowing his baggage is and was light years heavier than mine (he had an extremely abusive childhood). I've wondered how he was making out. He quickly said something, and I had to step closer and have him repeat it. He told me, a little ashamed, that he'd gotten back into drugs, and it'd messed up his life again. No pity story at all, just his past and present happenings. I asked him if had been honest with people about this, and yes, he had. He'll be going back to treatment, for drugs are too easy an escape for him. His story was he overcompensated and overachieved in life to avoid old pain. It never works. It was a hope. An escape. I was pulled into line, and we departed. I understand the relief one feels when needing to dump some shame, even quickly. It's why I'm actually writing now.

Wow. I was trying to overcompensate by just fronting a work uniform. And old shame was still in my belly, fearing discovery. I identified a lot with the second man's story when I was in ACA. I was feeling more than I planned.

I went into self checkout since I only had a dozen items or so. Rung up everything....and my card was declined. (Oh shit! I thought, feeling shame). I tried again. And again. No good. A cashier came over, and I asked if I could step out to check my balance. My insurance had just debited. I walked back, the cashier asked if everything was ok, and I said honestly "No ma'am" I was told they could put everything away, and feeling shame, I left. I'd been trying to hide my shame (thus making more of it), but these events came upon me, like a perfect storm.

Why am I running, hiding, and trying not to feel shame?
What am I ashamed of?
Is me hiding my shame keeping it alive? Yes. Damn. It absolutely is.

In fact, hiding shame increases shame. I've tried this for ages. Only telling on myself relieves me. Tears have come up a time or two while writing, for I'm letting go of something.

I'm grateful I can share this here.

What am I ashamed of? Why am I ashamed?

I'm ashamed since I began telling on myself to my coworker today, hoping it might relieve it some. I felt worse after sharing it. LTU is destroying my normal denial gateways.

I texted my mom last Sunday evening, asking how she was. I've not texted or called in a month, distancing myself from pain associated with her. Her reply was a shaming and guilting prompted by isolation (IMO). In just a few flippin' sentences, she said "Yes, it's been a month since I've seen you. I'm just getting off some antibiotics since my doctor thought I had pneumonia. How's the money situation? I could definitely use some right now. Love you, Mom"

WTF?!

That message pissed me off. It just fricken pisses me off. I still expect her to give something of herself--to be loving and lovable, and i am ashamed to admit to others she is still a self seeking, self destructive person. She's an active lifelong alcoholic. And I am hurt each time I expect to see or receive love from her. She never has any to give.

She is what i am hiding from. I hide her from others, every single one of them, for in my heart, she doesn't love me. She doesn't even know how to love herself.

This is the truth, and it SUCKS!

I don't even tell her. I don't since my expectation (not good) is that she'll deny, fight, dismiss, or shame me for telling her MY truth. This is my cycle: I don't like it, I lie to myself about it, and when I feel it, I run from it.

I'm feeling like a little boy afraid of making his Mom mad at him.

Why am I afraid?

I'm afraid she won't love me if I'm honest with her. Shannon's said in past postings to me "why would you be afraid of losing something you never received?" Change (for me) has only come with honesty. Right now I'm just plain MAD at her. I just feel pain when imagining being near her (and me seeking love).

What could I healthily do here? It's time I stood up for ME.

Yeah, being ashamed of shame only doubles it. I've been there. I'm glad you're making progress though. Stuff like this isn't easy. Good for you that you're facing these issues!

Yeah, EP. Hiding it definitely doubles it (or triples, quadruples) it. It's something that's I've given too much power over to.

One thing I've known that decimates it instantly: love. Love melts it away. Disintegrates it. Love is powerful.

I ask myself "how can I be the change, the lover to myself, in this situation?" Something I've known is that me giving always comes back to myself in some way. I've imagined going to her house to love her. To honor her. Even knowing her love tank is empty. She needs love too.

I just need to protect myself appropriately.

I'm remembering my first days on LTU here, as I documented it. At least 2 times I feared the absolute worst out of an interaction or situation. And it never happened anywhere close to what I feared. Never did. Fear screamed early on in my imagination. But in reality, no such dangers ever showed up.

______________________________________________________________________
Holy s***. Literally, right after I finished that last sentence, my mom called me. I shut down expectations (which took a constant vigilance), and she wondered what I had planned for tomorrow. I told her my only commitment was at 3 (playing our money game). She lives in section 8 housing, and she's having an inspection Monday. My brother's coming over, and she'd like us to help clean up her house (which is FAR from dirty). Dusting and mopping mostly. We'll be going out for dinner after.

I didn't change my plans, but I did open myself up to changing them. I'm in that moment, asking for help here, seeing obvious avenues, realizing I can find good or bad, imagine good or bad, and in my head build good or bad. I have a real growth opportunity if I go. I may even speak up if need be.

My choices:
Hiding? Or engaging?
Living in my past? Or living in today?

Hiding takes too much damn work, as most is mental gymnastics for me. Engaging is fun, as now I'm both learning and interacting simultaneously.

And I like living in today. I can change my choices today. I can't change yesterday's choices, nor tomorrow's.

Will do some Rule 4 dialoguing before deciding though.

"It takes changing ourselves first to change the world"
from a Shen Yun dance performance ad on YT, shown below

I was looking up some of my old YT posts here, and the ad below came on.  I've watched this same ad numerous times since I love the discipline and commitment these dancers show.  The above line in it hit me, as I'd not expected it.

Have I focused on changing me today?  Or....am I still hoping everyone else will change?  I know the answer, and am looking at myself now, the only person I have control over.  That also feels much, much better.