Subliminal Talk

Next week would be 10 months of running E2. I have now decided to take a break just coming short of that milestone, to clear out for E3 which I hope to be released in a couple of weeks. I will probably write a longer testimonial on E2 later on when I have gotten things in perspective, but right now I can at least say that 10 months ago I was in a horrible situation, life was just painful, almost to painful to bear. I had problems being around people just taking the bus, don't knowing what to do with myself, social situations was almost impossible even though I pushed myself to them, I was constantly drained of energy, constantly worrying about the future and almost constantly having panic attacks - that was more a default than just being separate incidents. To sum up, my situation was horrible. 10 months later I am much more relaxed, can sleep alright, I'm able to use my mind to other things just than to tackle the constant worry coming from it, I can actually feel pretty good from time to time, I'm organizing get togethers with old and new friends, I think less of my ex girlfriend(s) and I am feeling more alright with being alone, I look forward to doing stuff rather than just having to force myself to do them. My meditation practise is steadily becoming better and better. I am in pretty good physical shape. E2 have helped much, most with being a refuge in finding relaxation even in the most stormy waters I have been through, and also helping to clear out blockages inside, tension in my body. And probably in helping me finding hope in the darkest moments and a bit of positivity.

I am also less "stuck in the past" as I was before where my mind almost constantly was dabbling with thoughts about events in the past, now I am more present in the present and with thoughts about the future.

Along E2 I have done Root chakra meditation (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JTqktSAmG30), Cold showers and Trauma Releasing exercises

3 weeks after I have stopped listening now. A post from my journal:

(03-12-2019, 03:14 AM)Greenduck Wrote: [ -> ]It really feels like E2 has bloomed during these weeks that I have taken a break. There is a new paradigm of how I'm looking at life slowly growing, a more healthy and cooperative way of interacting with others and myself. More hope, and I can feel more of the future rather than being stuck with problems in my surroundings. I'm starting to be able to have a sense of what I want with my life, even if I have a bit of a hard time to formulate it, but I'm confident that it will unfold naturally as I heal. I'm less invested in what other people are doing, and more focused on my internal state of happiness but I at the same time feel more connected to others (you have to understand yourself to understand others-type of thing). However I still feel affected by my mothers temperament and her misdirected anger towards me still bugs me down and affect my mood. I hope that E3 will take care of this with it's healing and the auric shield. The problem with her is that she feels so damn sorry for herself, but I watch myself to get dragged into that. It's like a dark hole and if you just give her a finger she will take whatever she will get to make herself feel better and not have to deal with her own shit. Lesson learned, even if it has been a really hard one. But the fear that made me engage into it is slowly disappearing and I can set my own boundaries of what I want and don't want to engage in.

I went to work and chatted with my colleagues yesterday (I haven't really been working the last year, but recovering from my burn-out), they felt very understanding and compassionate and I felt supported, that was a great feeling. I feel that this workplace is really right for me, it's in a field that I am interested in and I know there is much to learn from my boss and co-workers with many opportunities to grow. I am actually looking forward to getting back to work.

I feel more connected to music, like I understand it on a deeper level.