Subliminal Talk

I owe a report, but my family has been sick, it's cold as hell outside, and beyond taking care of them and myself, I haven't felt like doing a whole lot.

I have been having some strange headaches - which may be more sinus related than DMSI - and have been tired. I've faltered on my diet for a few days, and haven't been feeling up to going to the gym (could just be the weather). Yesterday, I had terrible anxiety - the first such episode since starting back on USLM in October. It's gone now. Hopefully, it won't return. Irritability and impatience is still pretty high, lurking beneath the surface. It seems like it will remain until whatever FRM is working on is finished.

I have a great story from Saturday night to tell, but it'll take me awhile, and I'm still not feeling like talking/typing much. So stay tuned.

Ok, here we go. Finally over being sick, cold, and tired.

I have a story and update for ya, so settle in for a long post!

Attended a holiday party for my wife's job last Sat night. The doctors of the unit my wife works in put it on every year. This year it was held at the head doc's house. Never been, hadn't met a lot of these people before.

Before the party, we met up with nurses (some of them w/ fellas) at a local spot. Lots of beautiful women. I quickly noticed this beautiful tall blonde, not in our party of nurses, couldn't stop making eye contact with me. Neither could a shy coworker of my wife's. I didn't find her very physically attractive, and she was very quiet (until she got a few drinks in her) but she couldn't stop staring. I guess it could have been a bad stare, lol, but I doubt it. These are blatant stares that I haven't experienced since DMSI 3.1.

One of the things I first noticed was my internal state of calm. Normally, I'd be a tinge nervous at these types of gatherings, and have some social anxiety. That was completely absent. I didn't give two thoughts as to how I was being perceived. In fact, I walked around feeling as if I owned the place, both before and at the party.

At the bar, we sat at a table for 20. My wife and I sat down next to each other near the end. My wife suggested I sit across from her, and I said, "No, I'm fine." Within 5 minutes, 2 more nurses joined us - one of them was super cute, just the kind of girl I like. Very bubbly, upbeat personality, laid back and fun, clearly intelligent with a hint of nerd - the kind of girl I would be looking for if I weren't married - now, sitting directly across from me. That gave us a chance for quite a bit of interaction, which set up some things later at the party. The wrist displays started right then and there, however. She also laughed at everything I said. That's always a good sign. She also clearly liked my wife.

Once we got to the party, fashionably late, the head doc gave us a private tour of his house. Just us. Celeb effect in action, or he really likes and respects my wife (which, he does). Likely both. I didn't see anyone else get a tour. Nurses I had met before, but hadn't seen forever, made sure to approach me and reintroduce themselves enthusiastically. One particularly beautiful nurse, who I met when my wife gave birth to my daughter, was flattered when I remembered her from her visit.

As the night went on, people couldn't stop telling me how beautiful my wife is, and how she's "the best" or "their favorite." Cute nurse from the bar took our picture, and said, "Wow - you guys are so hot. I just want to make out with both of you!" So I said, "Ok." I was serious, but either she didn't hear me, or she wasn't serious. Another older coworker of my wife's started petting her hair, telling her (and me) how beautiful she is, to the point where I was getting a bit sketched-out. We actually have a picture of this chick grabbing my wife's boob, too.

My wife let loose (she's a work hard, play hard type) and started dancing with the other ladies. No men on the "dance floor," which was really just an area between the sectional couch and the projection screen. I decided to sit on the couch (more like man-splay). It really felt like all the ladies were dancing just for me. No discomfort, like I should get up and dance or feeling out of place. I felt like the boss, sitting at his Reserved table. The cute nurse (who took our picture), at one point, looked at me and then fell onto the couch next to me, and assumed a sexy posture. She looked into my eyes, and asked "Hey, are you really drunk, too?" I answered honestly - that I was not - and I could see she was disappointed. It was as if she hoped we would go make "a drunk mistake" somewhere private. That was the impression I got, anyway. When I wasn't drunk, too, she got up and went back to dancing.

Guys were very friendly. A much bigger and older guy, who frankly wouldn't stop yappin', was following me around. He would clap the other guys on the back, or grab them by the shoulders and shake them while laughing. That's a male display of dominance, and one he didn't try on me. No one else did, either.

I ran into the husband of one of my wife's nurse friends - a chiropractor. I get along with him really well, and we'd been at more than one of these types of parties together over the years. Out-of-the-blue he offered to send me clients. I told him I'd talk to my wife about it. Not sure I want more people I don't know entering my house, and I already have a lot on my hands with the kids & their various activities. But the offer was surprising, and nice.

At the end of the evening, we were the last to leave the house. The head doc and his wife happily talked with us for an extra 15 minutes, even though it was 3 AM. I eventually tugged my wife's arm and made sure we didn't impose any longer.

We got home, and I reminded my wife that she had promised me oral at the party. Oh, did I forget to mention that? She did. But by the time we got home, she didn't remember. Well, she did it anyway. And then she said "We should just fuck." Believe it or not, in 10 years together, I'd never had sex with her during "that time of the month." Not bad. She was all into it. She even went so far as to clue me in that she had done it all the time w/ her ex (the guy who'd abused her as a teen before I ever met her). Bout time, after 10 years! Geezus! Anyway, going forward, it's not really my thing, but it's good to know I can have it if I want it.

Since then, I haven't had much interest in sex. It's weird. I know I've been sick and tired, and the weather has been shitty, but since last weekend, my mind has been elsewhere. Before DMSI, especially this version, sex felt like something I didn't have enough of - and therefore I had placed more value and emphasis on it than it probably deserved. Now that I'm getting what I want on a regular basis, it's not as important. My mind is now naturally wondering to other areas of my life that I'd like to improve. To me, that's a good thing, and exactly what I've been after. But, I do wonder if this new attitude could simultaneously be part of some sort of resistance tactic. We'll see.

Last, I'll mention that most of my dreams this week have just been about being with friends, women, and having fun.

Alright - you're all caught up! Thanks for reading.

Marriage and DMSI is a tricky thing. For both being married and being around married people.

I am just waiting for your post one day that says "So my wife and I were asked for a threesome today..."

(02-03-2019, 09:42 AM)cataleya Wrote: [ -> ]I am just waiting for your post one day that says "So my wife and I were asked for a threesome today..."

Lol, I keep teasing her about it. She insists she'd never do anything with a woman. And I certainly am not going there with another man, so... But who knows!? She's already surprised me in a few different ways.

2nd Round of 3.1.1

I switched over to Hybrid Ocean Surf FLAC. I either listen using sleep phones (Cozy brand), or my Bose speaker (connected via aux - not using bluetooth). Volume has varied between 6 and 10 clicks on my Note 5. Last night, however, I used 4 clicks.

Yesterday, my first day after using hybrid for the first time using 3.1.1, I felt great in the morning - even felt the morphine drip again. As the day went on, however, my mood tanked. I felt overwhelmed, stressed, moody, tired, emotional. It got progressively worse, until I started loops again last night. Again, this morning, I woke up feeling good initially, but my mood is starting to darken again.

For the first time, yesterday, I've encountered the desire to actually quit DMSI. Obviously I know what that is, but it's happened. Thoughts like "I'm wasting my time, I could be doing something more productive, something that wouldn't make me so emotional." It's funny, when you aren't having sex, it seems like you have a hole in your life that's gigantic - but when you're getting it regularly, it doesn't seem very important at all. This last week (since the party) I haven't felt attracted to my wife, which is strange. I haven't been focusing on sex at all. Must be part of my subc shifting strategies, scrambling to keep from executing fully.

I noticed that NocWood is back (NocWood - getting hard-ons while sleeping). I forgot to report that the occurrence had disappeared again recently (the past month, maybe?) - just like it disappeared on 3.2. But, after starting the hybrid, it's been back the past two nights.

Moving forward, I'm going to do at least 90 days to allow FRM to remove fears that I need removed, before reevaluating whether I intend to continue further. Fears are chains, and I want them gone for good. I also have been running DMSI since the first release (AOSI), and I want to help advance the skeleton script. Not sure how many long-term consistently reporting DMSI users are left.

Oh - last thing I have to report is that I'm not executing the scripting that overrides chemical state shifting - or it isn't necessary (?) for me to execute it to properly execute the rest of script. I had a few beers while watching the Super Bowl, and I felt them. I also am consistently affected by my caffeine intake daily. Wakes me right up in the morning.

Swapped back to US last night (needed to hear during the 1st two loops), cozy phones sleep phones, 6 clicks volume.

The irritability continues. I have been giving my kids tablets (w/ educational videos and apps), then burying myself in TV or laptop so I don't have to talk or interact, b/c I have very little ability to control myself atm. Everything grates on my nerves. I've bitten my wife's head off twice already this morning. She told me, "You're nice to me for two weeks, and now you're like this. Just when I think you actually like me again, you rip it away, and it hurts worse than before." Great. And then I blame the winter for my mood. So I give my empty apology, and keep to myself again, afraid to speak and make everything worse.

I'm taking a road trip, starting tomorrow, to see my best friend from high school and his family, and I can't even get excited about it. I'm just stressed about packing and the long drive. I'm taking the whole family, so that doesn't help.

I am going to literally focus all of my energy on breathing, remaining calm, and being more kind and patient today. 'Bout all I can do.

After last post, I collected myself, and apologized to my wife. I tried to get her to see how she hasn't done anything wrong, that I'm just so stressed that my tolerance for anything beyond silence and being alone is low. I'm not sure if it makes a difference to know, but my MBTI type I've tested as time-and-again is INFJ. INFJ's tend to only regenerate through isolation - lots of "me" time - or in the company of close friends who won't/don't judge and can let them be who they are, totally and completely. That's my understanding, and that's me. Problem is, with a wife and kids, I'm never really alone, and I rarely get time with my close friends. The closest I have is the guy I'm going to see tomorrow through Monday, so hopefully that will help.

Anyway, she (my wife) takes everything I do very personally. I reiterated that my shitty attitude isn't her - it's literally just me - and that it hurts me to hurt the people I love, but especially when I am having an extremely hard time controlling myself, it makes me feel pretty helpless. But, I'm trying. And to try better today, I went out and got my hair cut, then went to the gym to sweat the irritation out of me. It helped. I feel better. I'm on good terms again, so I'm going to do my best to keep it that way.

(02-06-2019, 10:08 AM)RTBoss Wrote: [ -> ]After last post, I collected myself, and apologized to my wife. I tried to get her to see how she hasn't done anything wrong, that I'm just so stressed that my tolerance for anything beyond silence and being alone is low. I'm not sure if it makes a difference to know, but my MBTI type I've tested as time-and-again is INFJ. INFJ's tend to only regenerate through isolation - lots of "me" time - or in the company of close friends who won't/don't judge and can let them be who they are, totally and completely. That's my understanding, and that's me. Problem is, with a wife and kids, I'm never really alone, and I rarely get time with my close friends. The closest I have is the guy I'm going to see tomorrow through Monday, so hopefully that will help.

Anyway, she (my wife) takes everything I do very personally. I told reiterated that my shitty attitude isn't her - it's literally just me - and that it hurts me to hurt the people I love, but especially when I am having an extremely hard time controlling myself, it makes me feel pretty helpless. But, I'm trying. And to try better today, I went out and got my hair cut, then went to the gym to sweat the irritation out of me. It helped. I feel better. I'm on good terms again, so I'm going to do my best to keep it that way.

Good on you for doing this! Far too many people these days are willing to blame others for their emotions and actions. Way to man up and take responsibility for yourself!

I think you need to find ways and times and places to regenerate. Alone. I recommend 1-2 hours a day if you can manage it. I know it's difficult with your situation.

Short update:

On my trip, I had no opportunity to run the prescribed number of loops without exposing someone or explaining what I was running to my buddy's wife. Some nights, I wasn't even in bed until 3 or 4 AM, and my friend was feeding me one craft beer after another. I just decided to wait until Monday night, when I knew I could get all 8 loops in. So I was off for 5 days, instead of 3. Back to running US, at only 5-6 clicks volume, on Cozy brand sleep phones.

I had some IOIs, but not much. The most notable thing I experienced on my trip was fear of death. I had an incident over the weekend, during which I was alone, downtown - in an unfamiliar city - where I actually thought I was going to get shot. It was a misunderstanding, but the fear of death was real for me. It set of a high-state of anxiety that didn't disappear until I started DMSI loops on Monday. I haven't had that fear since - which is pretty damn cool.

My libido is still down, for some reason. My attraction to my wife is still low. I haven't had sex for a few weeks, and I don't care right now. Something's going on, I'm just not sure what.

On the dream front, I had one where I was screaming at my mother. I don't know what about. I've never had a dream where I screamed at her - it's usually just my dad. I also had a dream last night where my wife and I were screaming at each other, and she tried to take my son away from me. My daughter wasn't in the dream. In the dream, she was lying about how I treated them to the people who were observing us (to justify taking my son away from me), and I felt helpless. I tried saying she was lying, and I begged her to stop lying about me. She just kept insisting I was abusive, etc. At the end of the dream, I suddenly had a very important test "the next morning" I needed to study for and get plenty of sleep for - which the fight with my wife would make impossible, thus ruining any chance of doing well. End of dream. I woke up sweating.

I'm having thoughts of running more loops for more days, without break.

Taking my SASRB break, after thinking about just continuing. Day 2, and I'm exhausted. I napped easily, and when I woke, I felt like I was in a drug-induced sleep state.

Anxiety crept back in today. Irritability and lack of patience has been moderate to high. At one point, I would even say I was experiencing some pretty acute depression. But, as the day went on - especially post-nap - anxiety and irritability have improved considerably, depression gone. In fact, my sense of humor and then willingness to be helpful with getting dinner going and dealing w/ the kids has been better than normal.

Not remembering dreams the last few days. Even though libido has been low-to-non-existent, I was sportin' DMSI nocwood all night. It was present every single time I woke up. I've also been experiencing some pretty serious hynagogic sexual imagery.

Hoping we're on the brink of a new breakthrough, whatever that may bring.

I think I might rename my thread "Headaches & Hard-Ons."

Lol, that's my update.  Was exhausted during my break, and that has largely disappeared since.  Will try foregoing a break, and go by how I'm feeling from here on.  
My libido is slowly returning, and my wife has been complaining that I "don't like her anymore" b/c I haven't been interested in sex.  I haven't turned it down, as none as has been offered, but normally I'm big on innuendo - and that's been absent.  That'll probably change today, as just writing about my libido increasing is increasing it acutely, haha!  ITM-SS?!

Not remembering dreams.  Externals non-existent on 3.3.1.  Headaches and fatigue on rest days.  But, on the bright side, libido is returning - slowly, but surely.

Powering through now, no rest days.  Last night, I ran hybrid for all loops.  Today, extremely irritable.  Pissed off, yelling frequently.  

This has to end soon.  My willingness to tolerate irritability for the sake of hoping for a breakthrough is coming to an end. It negatively affects my wife & kids, and I'm not cool w/ that.

They will be traveling w/out me for the next 5 days.  I plan on hittin' myself hard while they're gone.  No one will be around for me to take out the irritability on, so we'll see how that goes.