question about smiling for shannon or anyone (advice please)

[dissonance]

So I'm planning to apply to a restaurant for a part-time job as a server/waiter. I've kept putting it off because I've developed social anxiety and confidence issues because of depression over the past few years. I used to work at a restaurant for 4 years in the past, but quit a few years ago.

Anyways, I'm reading Alpha Male by John Alexander, and it says smiling too much isn't good. This sort of relates to a problem I'm having with going in and talking to the manager to get an application. I'm not sure how I should carry myself and act, because I've been out of the social game for so long and lost a lot of my social skills and forgot who I am. The restaurants I'm applying to are all sort of more upscale casual fine-dining places that are semi-trendy and have bars in them. I've recently been practicing my body language and facial expressions and smiles when I go and meet the manager to ask for an application or ask about the position.

Since I've been out of the social game for so long, I've forgotten who is the real me; I can't decide if I'm going to try to be friendly to him/her, or have a sort of relaxed , professional demeanor and non-smiling facial expression. In craigslist ads, they sometimes, but not always say, "outgoing personality, and great smile required" or something like that. Any other thoughts would be appreciated as well.

[dissonance]

Thanks for the input. I'll check this out!

[Shannon]

People with real smiles are much happier first, and the real smiles naturally follow.

I have been in the service industry. I find that you don't need to smile, but you do have to have the right mindset, and that will result in a demeanor and body language that naturally follows. The mindset that I found worked best for me was to take pride in my position as a server, and to consider good service a point of pride for me. I put myself in the mindset that it was my honor to serve those who had the good taste to dine where I worked, and I was never without positive feedback because of that, in spite of the fact that I rarely smiled while I was working. Taking pride in oneself and one's job, and one's employer, and expressing the naturally resulting gratitude as a sense of "I am honored to serve you" made a huge difference.

Naturally there were those people and those days... but the majority of my time was spent quite happily employed there, and I got a lot of requests for me by name when people saw how I worked. Naturally, that depends on how well you get along with your superiors. When my floor manager was changed and the new one was for some unknown reason antagonistic toward me, my employment there ended because she made one too many impossible demands too quickly and I could not fulfill them all. (Themed shirt? Ok. New pants? Ok. New theme shirt again? Ok. New shoes? Sure, give me enough hours to pay my bills AND buy all these stupid unnecessary uniform changes you keep telling me to buy, and I'll be glad to buy new shoes. No? Well then no new shoes for you.) It was pretty obvious to all that she just had it in for me, and that was her excuse to try to push me out. I walked out in the shoes she told me to replace. Which, amusingly, were exactly as well polished as her own.

Anyway... maybe that will help.

[dissonance]

Lol, did you end up getting a new job as a server somewhere else?

Also, about smiling, I think I do remember now being in more upscale restaurants where servers didn't smile, but were professional, now that you mention it. So yes it did help. I've been practicing the way I approach and carry myself for the first application pick-up and also the interview, and sometimes I do this very humble, almost sort of half-smiley grinning persona, with a bunch of eyebrow raising lol. I'm thinking that will just come across as insecure and unconfident?

Though, I'm still wondering, do I not need to smile during the first impression when I first go in to get an application and possibly meet the manager? What about during the interview? Just smile only if they smile at me first while talking? I never know when to smile these days. If it was up to me, I'd probably not smile much at all (I wouldn't be frowning or have a mean face, but I'd have a neutral, open face), or I'd smile too much and act too needy or beta out of fear of being disliked or viewed as too serious. That's a big sticking point for me; for some reason I feel like these semi-trendy fine dining places look for people who are outgoing and cool, etc, so I'm afraid if I don't smile much, but instead just have a neutral, but open expression, they might think I'm too serious?

[Shannon]

I decided that the mindset of the management in my experiences with the food service industry led me to the conclusion that I would be happier doing something else.

I think you're overthinking the smiling thing. If you want to know what is appropriate for the restaurant where you want to apply, go observe the wait staff and see who does what. I would go spend some time at the bar and have a (non-alcoholic) drink or two, and make conversation with the bartender. Ask what they think. Take that input plus what you have observed and go get yourself the job.