LTU: Moving forward

[mat422]

Another bit of insight. Hard to tell if I'm running away from the FRM or if I'm pushing myself to change my life more. Might have a bit of selective execution going on here. Doing small improvements, but not tackling the big fear that sits at the core. When it comes down to it, that's the block from everything.

I'm trying to go deeper. It seems the deeper I get with this fear though it's not really anything able to be put into words. It's just this feeling that sits in my stomach. Upon further thought I do think I was in some way running away from removing these fears. Being unwilling to face them. I saw moving forward as more of a willpower push through it type thing, but if the fear remains in the background pulling the strings I haven't tackled the whole issue.

@Shannon I was reading the sales page again for LTU and noticed how it said "deal with fear in stress free ways". I can't tell if I'm resisting the subliminal so I'm not executing that "stress free" part, I'm stuck in old ways of thinking how healing is supposed to take place, or my fears are a lot stronger or weaved into my personality than most people. In your observations, do you feel like the "deal with fear in stress free ways" is working for most people? Or does it still need to be refined?

[mat422]

After tonight I'm thinking about moving back to 5 loops. 6 loops feels like it's interfering with my ability to work. I'm zoned out, have trouble concentrating, sometimes can't solve problems all that well. Which ends up frustrating me more. On top of that I have absolutely zero desire to do anything job related unless it's directly helping someone having issues. I'm at the the point now where I'm only working because I don't want to get fired. It's not a good place to be, it's gotten really hard to make it through the day.

We just got a new it director and I know he's going to try to organize things and try to maximize "results" from the IT department. Which is not making me feel good because like I said I'm barely getting by here. And also since I'm basically help desk, I solve problems as they come up. I'm not some developer or report creation expert and I'm hoping he doesn't see that as being "more productive" ie throwing more work onto me to make himself look better to higher ups who don't know anything about tech or computers.

I'm actively seeking other jobs. But for now I can't deal with this low cognitive ability and fatigue every day. It's bad enough on its own, but then having to force myself to do something I don't want to do for 8 hours feels like torture to me

[mat422]

Nevermind, sticking with 6 loops. I've learned I'm dragged around by my subconscious far too much and what I really need to do is practice conscious attention and focus. It seems like I've been waiting for everything to be squared away internally and then from there execute. But what I really need to do is have a single point of focus and a commitment to staying on that path. Not just the actions but the mindset behind it. If I only visualize for a few days and get lazy about it I'm not taking it serious enough.

I've been thinking. What if my obsessive need to heal and continually go inward is really just another way to distract me? To go further, what if I'm already healed enough and what's really stopping me is just fear. Fear that manipulates me and convinces me I still have emotional problems that don't exist anymore? Maybe even twisting the idea of what healing is to keep me preoccupied. Ideally healing should be about letting go and transcending problems, not swimming around in them and causing misery for myself. If I keep playing the same story over and over that's what I'll get. I have to build an image in my mind of what I want or a goal, otherwise left on its own my subconscious hangs around in a constant state of procrastination as far as growth is concerned.

[Greenduck]

Nevermind, sticking with 6 loops. I've learned I'm dragged around by my subconscious far too much and what I really need to do is practice conscious attention and focus. It seems like I've been waiting for everything to be squared away internally and then from there execute. But what I really need to do is have a single point of focus and a commitment to staying on that path. Not just the actions but the mindset behind it. If I only visualize for a few days and get lazy about it I'm not taking it serious enough.

I've been thinking. What if my obsessive need to heal and continually go inward is really just another way to distract me? To go further, what if I'm already healed enough and what's really stopping me is just fear. Fear that manipulates me and convinces me I still have emotional problems that don't exist anymore? Maybe even twisting the idea of what healing is to keep me preoccupied. Ideally healing should be about letting go and transcending problems, not swimming around in them and causing misery for myself. If I keep playing the same story over and over that's what I'll get. I have to build an image in my mind of what I want or a goal, otherwise left on its own my subconscious hangs around in a constant state of procrastination as far as growth is concerned.

I have share your thoughts on healing being something that holds you back from growing, but I always arrive at the conclusion that the need for healing is a signal to myself that I need to stop and give the time that I need, and so far I have seen good progress with that approach. However, sometimes you need to go to some new ground, meet new people, expand, share - to help your healing. New people and new experiences are good for you, but also taking time to your healing at your own pace is also good. There is always a balance.

[mat422]

Yeah you're right. It is a balance. I realized after posting that, I wasn't giving myself permission to allow those trapped emotions inside me. And that whole post seemed to have subtle hints of emotional invalidation which I've subjected myself to over the years. Those different parts of me need to be heard and validated to heal, otherwise I'm being pulled in different directions and constantly fighting myself. I guess the real issue has always been not providing the compassion and support to myself to heal my own problems, just constant criticism.

[mat422]

Decided to take a week off ltu and see how I feel. If any bloom takes place or things improve more. At the end of the week if nothings all that different, I'm leaving ltu for now and Shannon's subs and exploring something else. I'm not upset or frustrated or angry or anything. It's just I'm having a hard time with LTU and overall I've felt I've been grinding now for quite a while and not having a lot to show for it.

I went camping this weekend and got a chance to see the stars with minimal light pollution. Humbling to say the least. I looked out at all the stars, thought about different galaxies, the vastness of it all. Then I reflected on my own life and what I was prioritizing, what I've been doing for the last 8 years, assessing how I can really start being happy. The short of it is I've felt like I've been trying to enjoy life for quite a while now and not quite getting there. And as far as these subs have come, whether it's how I am or how I respond, they've been an uphill climb that never feels like it ends and I'm really tired.

The solution is really to keep going, but honestly I'm out of steam. I can always come back to these subs, but if I don't try different things I'll never know. If there is something I respond to better our there it would be foolish of me not to use it because I have my ego caught up in feeling like I should be able to execute these subs 100%.

And if anyone reading this wants to point out that this is a resistance tactic or running away, thats fine. But preemptively I have to say, I don't really care and it doesn't change my decision. I've been doing the whole resistance song and dance thing for a while now. I'm just incredibly worn out with trying to guess what is or isn't resistance. Like I said, if it turns out these subs are the best for me no harm because I can always go back. But if I never explore I'll never know.

[Shannon]

Best of luck to you, man.

[mat422]

Thanks Shannon. I appreciate all the hard work you put into these subs and the great advice and support you've given me over the years. They have helped me a lot and got me past some seriously dark points in my life. I still have a week to reassess my position on it all, it's very possible this could change.

[Greenduck]

Best of luck with it man I’ve noticed that the greatest healing have come when I just surrendered. That when the real stuff comes up. As I think I wrote before I saw good effects from taking a one month break of LTU. Then I felt compelled to start again. Listen to yourself, surrender, all you need is within you.

[mat422]

I'm back and some perspective really showed me the power in Shannon's subs. I'm not gonna make this a competition because what I've realized is it's all tools in the end and you're free to choose what tools you want.

But yeah, I realized a sub like LTU pushes you and I wasn't taking responsibility for the fear that was brought up. I kept blaming resistance or assuming there was a better way. Yeah, the better way is realizing I'm the one listening, I'm making this choice, and I'm the one in control.

So I guess it was a fear based reaction to leave. One of my heaviest ones yet

I'm still debating what I want to do for the time being. A lot to consider, how I respond to subliminals, what works for me. I've had these realizations before and then go back to the sub only to hit a wall again. I think I might just stick around until 6G comes about and try that out, for the time being I'll just be using the other stuff I found that's been keeping me afloat.

[Yous]

First off, holy crap. I didn't realize LTU had the FULL titles, I thought it was modules. And the fact that it's 12 titles. Wow. I just got around to buying it because I'm starting tomorrow, but I wasn't expecting this much. I'm even more excited to start this now.

I figured before I jumped into this program I'd outline some of the stuff I've been struggling with that I hope LTU can work on. In bulleted form so I don't get carried away and go on another one of my rants.

• Perfectionism - I've struggled with this for a while now. It holds me back a lot. Being afraid of trying new things, being afraid of things that are less than ideal, putting others down in my head or devaluing stuff if my own skills or abilities don't match. It's just been very toxic. I rarely move forward as much as possible and I close myself off to the vast pool of inspiration out there.
  
• Insecurity - I am incredibly insecure. For years now I've told myself I'm not, but there's stuff there that needs to be addressed. This sort of ties in with perfectionism. I compare myself a lot to others. Get very defensive in my own head when someone is better than me at something because I perceive it as a threat to my own self worth. I believe, but I'm not sure, perfectionism was a response to core self worth issues. I try to get interactions and relationships "perfect" or manipulate them in ways that aren't genuine to me but result in favorable outcomes.
  
• Relationships- I've always been a very closed off person. Guarding my emotions tightly, rarely letting anyone in. My relationships have been few and far between, but I feel I often sabotage them. Push people away before they can either reject me or to hide parts of myself I don't like(ties into the perfectionism again).
  
• Living authentically/not being subtly controlled by the opinions of others- The life I'm living right now, it's not terrible but it doesn't feel like me. I feel trapped a lot of the time. I feel like I'm doing it for someone else. Yet a lot of the time I have trouble breaking that fear. There's a part of me that longs for a different way of living, but at the same time it's not abundantly clear what it is. And I think that just might be a product of fear. Ill defined goals and cloudy perspective on what the future holds has always been a problem of mine. But I believe it's a tactic to get me to stay in place, after all if I can't plan or see where I'm going I'm more likely to stay in the same place.
  

I think that about covers it. It feels like this entire week my mind has been prepping for LTU. Tackling everything at once is definitely the way to go for me though. Through the years I've seen just how much my behavior is tied together like a spider web of issues. Sometimes confusing me to the point of honestly not knowing what to work on or where to start.

I'll say this though, I feel as if I've been stuck for so long I have a really hard time even imagining a life beyond what I'm living right now. It's not that I've given up or quit, I've just banged my head against the wall so many times my expectations are rather low. But I keep trying despite that.

Hi. Sometimes we think to much in something and the tree doesnt let us to seee the forest. I wonder if some of the stuff of this list now is better than when you started.