USLM4.2 - New Beginnings

[Have at ye]

Thanks! Hopefully I'll start getting more of the better moments soon.

USLMaxxx is just my way of calling USLM 4.2.

I considered returning to ver. 1 of UMS briefly, but elected to go with USLM because the healing modules in UMS could cause emotional turbulence and I've had quite enough of that for the time being, and I wanted something more generalized with FRM. Plus, UMS v. 1 has the non-directional shield, I wanted something with the directional shield, as well as newer technology.

I intend to run it for three months as per usage instructions (it says it's designed to be ran 3 months at a time).

[Have at ye]

Had some very interesting dreams on the off day. Feeling a little bit better today, anxiety-wise. Hopefully this will keep up and I will start receiving my successes soon!

[Have at ye]

Getting some moments when I'm completely relaxed - no tension, no anxiety. They are few, but they are there. I actually made a solid amount of money last month, for the first time in a pretty decent chunk of time and this pleases me. Hopefully this will keep up and I'll keep making even more!

[Have at ye]

Feeling slightly better in recent days, a little bit more calm with fewer bouts of anxiety/tension. Going about doing my thing but not absent resistance. Still needing a lot of sleep to sleep off all the accumulated stressors and the psychosis, but that's fine for now. Beginning to feel hopeful that a different, better future is possible for me yet. Continuing with six loops of USLM after a day off.

[Have at ye]

Got a new translation customer today for a good rate, too, looks like a solid company, hopefully they'll send plentiful assignments. Aced the translation test and everything. I'm very happy with this! Other customers are also sending in assignments pretty regularly now which I like. Very good!

[Have at ye]

Feeling a little bit better, back to socializing. Had to slow down a bit, I was pushing myself too hard and that was causing anxiety and could have possibly resulted in a relapse. Taking it easy right now, work is picking up slightly, doing as much as I can without knocking myself all out of balance again. Having technical issues with my computer, going to get a new one in December. Still doing six loops USLM. It makes me a little bit irritable when I listen to it, but I figure it's FRM trying to do its thing. Dreams continue to be pleasant and related to the sub, I believe.

[Have at ye]

I have also hit upon an apparently core belief of mine that whatever I do, I will not be successful to the extent I could be/should be. Like I don't deserve good things in life, especially success of any sort. That there's a ceiling and whenever I try to pass it, I will get shot down (like in that singing gig I got fired from, or with women in the past). That I should lower my expectations of what my life could possibly be.

As a result I was in a vicious circle of striving, getting "almost there" and then failing. This has happened repeatedly so much so that it was a contributing factor to my psychotic episode. Hopefully using the sub for three months will start altering this belief into something more positive for me and good things will occur.

[Have at ye]

Currently having an urge to switch subs to the new UMS. I won't do that right now as I want to have three full months of USLM behind me first and I want to pay for it with my own money I've earned personally - which I'm going to start receiving in December - and not with money I have been given to tide me over my psychotic episode and stint of joblessness by my family.

I've been spending a lot of time bemoaning my fate, that I'm this-and-this years old and still financially dependent on my family due to the choices I have made, especially due to focusing on my singing career which is, as of now, completely bust and was never my main source of income anyway (I also bemoan the fact I spent so much time and effort in a job that paid so little and cost me so much emotionally).

I've also been spending a lot of time considering my options for moneymaking, even thinking about getting a labor job that pays well, since times are hard - but then I'd have to sacrifice my translation income which has been unstable these past several years to say the least and has me all in panic when my psychosis acts up due to how unstable it can get. Then again, I've been putting in effort to make it more stable and get more work which has started paying off in the recent weeks. I'd love some stability financially in my life for a change, hence the drive to run UMS to help with that.