USLM4.2 - New Beginnings

[Have at ye]

Long time no see!

Long story short, this year has kicked me in the pants something fierce. I got mobbed severely at that crappy singing job, lost my nerve once - wrote a stupid e-mail - got fired, had trouble achieving financial liquidity for a time, I finally broke and ended up with psychosis in a mental institution for three weeks and am still recovering from it (am on meds and in psychotherapy now, working through some serious trauma). Hopefully it was all part of some grand plan or a cyclical thing or something and things are going to look better from now on.

So, out of the options I had available I elected to do a three-month full run of USLMaxx (haven't done a full one yet) with several goals set. I decided to run it as I noticed severe anxiety and fears regarding things I would like to achieve after my psychotic episode, and it appears to be working due to the FRM it includes. Also for the DRS while I'm healing (I was off all subliminals for about two months during my stay at a mental institution and the recovery period after). Things are slightly looking up already and I am becoming a little bit less fearful and a little bit more optimistic. Got some translation jobs going, returned to practicing my singing and I have a plan on where to proceed from here.

DMSI 3.5 was quite a ride but somehow ended up slightly short of actually getting women to act on their desires fully. Caused some drama, too, but I'm over that as well for now. I am extremely lonely, but I am also counteracting that and things are looking a little bit up already. Some ended up showing somewhat stalkerish behavior.

I am currently after the second 5-day cycle of USLM, going to keep at it until January. Then I will probably switch to a different program, probably the new UMS once my financial situation stabilizes to never have to look poverty in the eye again, hopefully. I feel for people in such situations now very much and now know what a darned beast it is to get out of.

Onward and upward, as they say. Hopefully.

[Have at ye]

Just learned I am going to be receiving psych disability payments for the next two years. This gives me mental comfort that I'm not going to end up a homeless schizophrenic for the time being and the ability to continue developing my goals with a little bit more stability.

Amusingly enough (or rather - not amusingly enough) the psych disability is going to be higher than whatever I made at that atrocious singing gig. Oh boy. And all I had to do was go all psycho. Kinda felt it coming for years but managed to stave it off somehow each time, but not this time. Maybe for the better as I'm digging into the root causes of why it happened so that it does not happen again/keep happening.

[P.O.G]

Sorry to hear that the years been so bad to you. I hope this sub is the start of everything turning around for you. I've felt it work for me in the short time I've been using it, so I have my fingers crossed for you.

[Have at ye]

Thanks, my intent in using is trying to turn things around and counteracting damage to my life and my self-belief. Good luck to you in using it as well!

[Have at ye]

Backsies on that psych disability, unfortunately. Turns out there's still some ways to go, I just misunderstood what was being said (I've been declared to have a disability, but whether there's going to be money out of it remains to be seen). Was depressive today after practicing my singing - I have returned to it last week after the longest break period I've had since taking it up and feel like it's hopeless at times and that I've wasted away my entire singing career. Oh well. Feeling a little bit better now after doing a short translation job, not like a worthless PoS, so to speak. Having lots of emotional ups and downs since that psychotic episode (had 'em all my life, just not this severe).

Oh, well. Still USLMing, added one more loop following my desire to do so, continuing trying to turn things around.

[Have at ye]

Feels like the program is fighting to convince me that I, indeed, am not the most worthless person in the universe who deserves to be sad, lonely, jobless and unsuccessful loser, which appears to be a deeply held belief (which was standing in the way of all subliminal execution on my part, but I had quite a number of moments when they worked despite that) which I was even trying to repress and which hit me straight in the face during that psychotic episode I had. I am working through it in therapy, so hopefully I will get over it sooner or later. Therapy's working, meds are working.

I do get the occasional glimpse of optimism, though, and managed to land a somewhat stable translation gig last month with somewhat-decent income. Working on increasing the number of translation jobs I get, looking for good opportunities. I have returned to practicing my singing but with moments of feeling utterly hopeless - which pass every now and again and then it's business as usual (keep working, stick to the plan, see what comes of it, be on the lookout for opportunities, maybe the cause isn't utterly lost yet).

Feeling like getting lots of sleep after listening to USLM loops for the day, gonna have to watch that to not miss out on too many translation jobs. Still suffering from loneliness, but that's related to the fact that I was cutting off contact with people whom I consider toxic to my person. I get times when I feel like that was a bad idea and now the loneliness is my punishment, lol. It isn't, it's just a thing that is. Waiting for translation jobs to come in and for good things to start happening; fortunately I'm past most of my post-psychosis anxiety now but it's still there from time to time.

My relationship with my parents has improved drastically through my dealing with psychosis. They are being very supportive and owing to that I managed to forgive them a lot. Now I just have to work through all the BS that has left on my psyche.

[Have at ye]

Kinda coming to the terms with the fact I may not make it an opera singer. Mostly through no fault my own, simply kept being overlooked or marginalized by "the powers that be" long enough that now I'm a bit too old for most things like young artist programs and the like, and I've always had trouble amassing professional experience.

I've got loads now owing to that shitty job they fired me from, but it was my only point of contact with the stage. And it's like everyone's forgotten about my existence, as usual. It makes me very, very sad, especially since I've put years upon years of work and my singing is finally reaching very good level, professional level, stage-ready level. I'm stage-ready, can't find a home for myself in the singing biz. They don't want me here, they always find someone else to fill the spots based on nepotism mostly. And then they keep telling me there are very few people with my particular voice type, especially ones that can actually sing... eh...

Considering going to a competition I know I'm not going to win at because the head of the jury never liked me and mobbed me back when I was studying. I still might go for it, just to maintain this fantasy that I might still make it as a singer. Because it's always felt a little bit like a fantasy - with that job I had, I had *something* tangible to show for it despite it being the crappiest place to sing for really low pay. And that I messed up because I've had enough of ill-treatment, was beginning to show symptoms of psychosis (I did not know that yet at the time) and lost my nerve and wrote one stupid e-mail, calling several people out on their atrocious behavior, and that was enough to can me without warning.

Kinda down in the dumps because of all that still.

Anyway, USLM appears to be doing something as I'm getting very vivid dreams, mostly in school-like settings. Considering increasing the number of loops yet again from 4 to 6, I'll give it another round of 4.

Anxiety and depression are still there - no more psychotic symptoms, fortunately - but I get some relief from them every now and again when I have something productive to do or go do things with people (which helps with the loneliness). On the lookout for translation opportunities; found some, may apply.

[Have at ye]

Just realized the above may be a resistance response based on a lack of prior experiences of success, somehow trying to keep me in stasis and being unsuccessful. We'll see. I'm definitely increasing loops to see whether I can break through.

[Have at ye]

Started feeling a little better in recent days, have moments of optimism, but an innocent conversation with my father - where I had some good news for a change - set my anxiety off again. I increased the number of loops to six tonight, let's see what happens. Continuing living and maybe even hoping.

Overcome Fear v4 sounds tempting, but I'll finish off my three-month run of USLM first and then revisit my options. Hopefully I'll be in a place where I'll get to choose.

[Have at ye]

Increasing the loops to six seems to have been a good idea so I will stick to it for the run; doesn't feel like another increase is imminent. Had deep, restful sleep with some pretty vivid dreams most probably related to the sub and success (like 'zero-to-hero' stories), didn't even want to wake up because I wanted to dream away, lol. Still, got up to get some work done and have been working pretty much throughout the day with a little time off for shopping and eating.

It feels like ever since my stay at the mental hospital all my coping mechanisms/defense mechanisms against my trauma-based subconscious issues have fallen and now I'm shedding all the fear, sense of loss and feelings of inadequacy which is not exactly a pleasant process but feels like it's progressing. Fortunately I knew who to contact as regards therapy and the person is great at what she does and is really helping.

It also feels like I'm shedding all the stress and the feelings of worthlessness I've acquired through my professional life (mostly professional recently, though personal stuff comes up sometimes as well but I've already made great progress with that). What I hate the most right now is how lonely I get sometimes - the company of people gives me some "time off" from the symptoms most of the time (though I was even afraid of leaving my apartment for some time there, but that's supposed to be par for the course during and after a psychotic episode from what I've been told).

Pretty much what I've been doing recently is de-stressing/trying to relax, working, searching for translation gigs, returning to my practicing my singing and going to that body movement class I've been attending for some time now (it was actually recommended to me at the psych ward to do so. When my symptoms were increasing I stopped attending for some time, go figure) which is great because I get to be in touch with people and it's mostly attractive women, too.

Hoping for things to start looking up day after day. I'm beating psychosis, now it's time to beat depression and anxiety, and then maybe finally win at life, haha. I'd love some winning at life for a change.

[Duke.Togo]

Hey Brother, been a long time. I'm sorry to hear that things have been so rough on your end. I'm sure you're due for a turnaround soon.

Onwards and Upwards Brother!

[Have at ye]

Thanks! Just had to remind myself to give myself a break off work for the night, so things are looking a little bit more optimistic already, I guess!

[Have at ye]

Six loops seems to have been a good idea. I feel very good when sleeping; after I wake my anxiety returns for some time. I do start feeling gradual relief that I don't have to go and see the people who have been mobbing me in that previous work I had (I'm not calling it a job because formally I wasn't employed) and am noticing that it's been contributing to my terrible state of mind for years now; I was simply repressing it. Decided it's too early to go back to singing competitions as of yet, age limitations be darned. If I am to sing, then I will, and if not, that's fine as well - right now what I need is stability in order to recover completely and if it takes another couple of months, so be it.

Day off today, feels good - like it's time for a break from the sub for a day.

[eternity]

Hey man. Just chiming in to say it all does get better, as long as we are consciousluy and subconsciously going towards our intended outcome.

Life has its moments lol... some of those moments really suck but in the grand scheme of things, i have come to the belief that all pain is a fundamental prerequisite of success, if we will it to be.

Got some questions

-- what's USLMaxxx? I'm using uslm 4.

-- Also, what made you pick USLM over UMS?

-- how long do you expect to run uslm?

I ran UMS v1 for 3 years with extremely good results. Jumped onto USLM to try out this "luck" thing haha