USLM3- The Journey to Success

[mat422]

So 3.3 is out for dmsi, but sexy women will have to wait. I've got more important stuff to focus on. Congrats on the release Shannon and keeping the hype to a minimum lol. Another testament to uslm and its ability to keep me on track, I don't have an urge to switch to dmsi.

Also last night I was working on my music and ended up staying up till 11. Not ideal for sleep, but I was filled with this energy. I didn't feel forced or like I had to pull teeth to continue, it was this genuine desire to do so. Can't wait to finish up my break and get back on USLM.

[mat422]

Man whatever that breakthrough was I feel like I lost it today. And I kept trying to get it back, but couldn't. I realized that I do need to work on my set and forget mentality more. Otherwise I spend too much time interfering with execution of the sub. Trying to force certain states and whatnot.

I noticed a lot of anxiety today at work, but I was able to calm myself. Steadied my breathing, released tension, and got that initial arousal of my nervous system under control. I've realized it's that initial hit of anxiety which really throws off everything else. In the past I tried to fight the anxiety, but I've realized that just causes more anxiety because it just amps up the nervous system again.

Overall I think I still have a tendency to put too much pressure on myself to execute the sub which ironically casues me to not execute because I block myself with fear.

[Shannon]

Remember the tidal effect. Relax, it's all good. Just keep going. It's a process, not an on/off switch.

[mat422]

I'm fed up with how I live my life on a day to day basis. Being afraid of making mistakes, being afraid of people, just being afraid in general. I am sick of fear. For a bit now I've just been trying to think my way out of this fear, but I realize now I was stil just working around it. From today onwards I'm focusing on outright destroying this fear. I'm not listening to the thoughts that come with it, the endless self doubt, the overly cautious analyzing I tend to with everything. I notice my progress stalls when I entertain those distracting thoughts. I feel like I'm held back and there's this internal feeling of wanting to break free. To just be myself for once in my life without feeling the need to hold back. I've lived this way for so long and I'm done with it.

No more running from this. Things have to change for me.

[mat422]

I figured I'd write this out so I'm keeping track of it. But I feel like I'm doing an entire teardown of all my long held beliefs. Music for example. Today I caught myself being stressed about creating. I kept telling myself I have to do it, I have to get better. But it's definitely fear of not being good enough driving that vs the passion for music. I like reading about my favorite artists and what kind of mentality they have with creating music. A common theme among all of them is that the joy of creating is what keeps them motivated, not the desire to be good. And some of them, like myself, just need a form of expression in their life.

The funny thing is that for years I've believed putting massive amounts of pressure on myself would make me grow faster or achieve more. I'm finding that's not the case. If anything it causes more anxiety which causes more procrastinating. This is the teardown I'm specifically experiencing. Understanding and challenging that belief that working towards something has to be incredibly stressful. It's toxic and I need to replace it.

There's definitely a fear associated with it however. Like if I remove these demands on myself I'll just get complacent and never achieve anything. That's obviously not true. It just seems that I've correlated in my head two things that are irrelevant to each other. I could achieve the same if not more success by not being hard on myself.

I'm seeing the faulty thinking now. Restructuring this and challenging it is important vs trying to fight the fear away. Straight wrestling with the fear is not the way to go. I've realized these past few days I've just been using willpower to suppress the fear and move ahead vs deconstructing and removing it. But that makes sense because that's pretty much the only thing I could do to basically survive when I was younger. I just have no need for it now. Now it's a matter of instilling new positive habits.

[mat422]

Wow. It just occurred to me now how difficult relaxing has been for me. Once again fear. When I'd relax a part of me would go into panic mode. What are you doing? We don't have time for this! Your life is going to fall apart. Hurry up we're running out of time! And it continues on like that.

Just recently USLM has given me this calm. There's no rush, no panic, no fear of running out of time. I think I really need this. I need to learn to slow down and be ok with where I'm at instead of constantly having my head in the future.

Ever since I started this job, time has become such a precious thing for me. I try not to squander it, but I think with all the work the FRM is doing I have to stop overdoing it with everything.

[mat422]

I like USLM3 so far, but I'm really looking forward to LTU. It's been a while since I've run a sub in stages and I think my life does need a major overhaul.

Aside from that interesting thing happened last night. I was listening to USLM and my body was physically relaxing. And then I noticed a lot of inner tension being released around my psoas muscle. With this came the fear, but instead of reacting to it I calmed myself more. Basically calming myself through fear vs triggering it over and over causing more stress and anxiety. It felt like all this fear and anxiety stored up and when I finally let go and relaxed it got processed all at once. Sort of like I was just constantly moving and in a hyped up state to avoid fear if that makes any sense. Anyway I was really exhausted today. Mentally and physically. Getting work done was incredibly difficult.

I found myself reflecting on my past and found myself re-experiencing states of emotions linked to key moments in my life. One of these was after a session of skateboarding. I was laying down on the grass looking up at the sky. I felt a combination of sadness/gratitude for what was in front of me. Gratitude for the beauty of the world, but simultaneous sadness because I often felt I had immense trouble living in it day to day.

I'd say for most of my life I've felt like I've been in danger. That's the only way to describe it. Just this inner tension, pushing through trying to do my best, but feeling upset inside because I don't know how or what to do about any of it. I get we all have challenges in life. But sometimes I have difficulty getting up in the morning and it really makes me reflect on my life. I question how many other people feel like this. How many others want something different but are too afraid.

I'm feeling a weird mix of emotions right now. I can't pinpoint it as one specific thing. It just feels complicated.

[Shannon]

Are you making progress?

[mat422]

Are you making progress?

I feel like I am. But you know I've had a lot of moments in the past where I couldn't see it. I think I'm hitting a patch of turbulence. I'll have to reassess at the end of the week. Right now it still feels like I've got a foot in both worlds.

I'd say that the fear has definitely lessened towards my goal of making more music and improving on that. That's really my biggest goal right now, so I can get more enjoyment out of that in my life. Unfortunately, I still feel as if there are aspects of me that need work. Personal stuff as it pertains to relationships. I think that's more terrifying than the whole music thing so that's why the music goal is being realized more.

Do you think having those two as a goal is a bit much? Having better relationships with people has more to do with me and my constant struggle with that feeling of not being good enough. I still tend to self isolate a lot. That's why I was interested in LTU, I felt it would hit it from all angles and be more thorough. I'm not as bad as I once was, but it still lingers in my head. Like an old habit that won't die.

All in all, I started my journey with this sub thinking I knew what would make me happy and it's been changing. I'd say some of the initial goals were more fear based than genuine ones. For example, getting really good at music. Mostly a fear based goal so I could be good at something and feel better about myself by comparing. Vs now where my goal is complete freedom of expression and enjoyment from creating music that's independent of my own self worth.

[Shannon]

You should have just said, "Yes, Shannon, I am making progress." lol The reason I asked was to point out to you that you are still making progress.

What genuine/non-fear-based goals do you think you would be interested in pursuing now?

[mat422]

You should have just said, "Yes, Shannon, I am making progress." lol The reason I asked was to point out to you that you are still making progress.

What genuine/non-fear-based goals do you think you would be interested in pursuing now?

Lol, sometimes I start typing and my mind goes on rants.

Aside from the music? I'm still trying to figure that out a bit. I know one of them is to meet more like minded creative people/artists. Other's who share my passion. I also want to figure out a way to build my life around music, but not in a way that's compromising or will ruin it for me. Also to start dating more and meeting women, nothing serious but I've missed out on a lot of this through my life. Basically trying to actualize the idealized version of my life that's in my head and bring it into reality. I feel like I might be limiting myself in some way with all of this, I can't really tell. They're not super ambitious goals.

[Shannon]

You don't need to have super ambitious goals to begin with, especially coming from such a deep state of fear to begin with. As you take steps out of fear, your horizon will broaden and you will start seeing those bigger and bigger goals appear, and naturally start pursuing them.

[mat422]

You don't need to have super ambitious goals to begin with, especially coming from such a deep state of fear to begin with. As you take steps out of fear, your horizon will broaden and you will start seeing those bigger and bigger goals appear, and naturally start pursuing them.

This is good to hear. I think I'm still sort of "calibrating" how I respond to uslm. These past few days there has definitely been more cooperation. More willingness to face the fear but without triggering that sort of avoidant behavior I've constantly experienced in my life. Definitely a balance, too much too soon and I close off. Not enough focus on actually confronting it and I drift without moving forward in life. It seems like the frm is able to hit that optimal spot between the two.

[Kenshin]

I thought you might find it interesting/inspiring so just sharing the vid:


I like it when she says that you can subconsciously hear it