Writing an apology to my 13 year-old daughter

[findingme]

In early March, I went up and visited my daughter for the weekend. It was out of state, in my ex-wife's home, and I made a bad mistake my last day there. My daughter had finally, grudgingly, agreed to go to a movie she loved, but she was doing it only since she was trying to shut me up about it. She'd told me about the movie a month prior since its message touched her. And she'd shown me YT clips of the movie while there numerous times.

However, by that last day I was very irritable. I'd been listening to E2, MLS, and one other (?) all within a 3 day span. I was hurting, but I'd not been out of character just yet.

Looking back, I was angry with myself. I was around my ex-wife who was and is very rejecting, but I didn't throw it in her face.

I made this tragic mistake of blowing up on my 13 year-old daughter when we finally got in the car to go see the movie. Before we'd even made it out of the community, I blew up on her. And my message....made no sense at all to her. I was saying real harmful things (full of personal cursing), and......I was venting to myself. But I vomited it onto my daughter. I.....terrorized her. I kept saying "shut the F*** up!" I completely lost control of myself.

I turned the car around, still not out of her community, and took her home. She went inside, crying and terrified. I took a long walk, knowing I blew it. I completely f***ed up.

I returned 45 minutes later, knowing it was time to come home. I knew I'd done her heart damage. I had so messed up. My daughter, still in tears, approached me, my ex right there with her. I didn't say that much, but I balled heavily in her presence. My anger at my ex and the constant rejection of me I'd spit up on her. I'd held offense at the constant rejection. I never told my daughter that.

Since that time, she's only replied to texts, IG messages, and FB messages maybe twice. 2 weeks back, I asked "do you ever reply?" Her response: "No." Ouch....

I'm needing, really needing, to make an apology. I began an apology letter this last week, and I'm asking for help to fine tune it. I seek to apologize without seeking her validation or comfort. I wish to focus on her, without manipulating for her attention. While separated from my wife 6 years back, I mailed an apology letter to my wife. It took me maybe 2 weeks to have it critiqued with an online marriage group. The letter touched my wife then, but her heart was cold. I knew actual mail was meaningful to her. And so I'm seeking to do similarly with my daughter.

May I ask for help with this? This is what I have so far:

K,

On that first weekend in March of this year, I hurt you terribly. I assaulted you verbally, I blamed you, and I insulted you in the car. I was completely and absolutely at fault.

I likely made you doubt yourself, blame yourself, and judge yourself since what I did made absolutely no sense. It made no sense at all. You didn’t know it was coming.

I had been in a very bad state during our stay since I could not speak my differences openly to your mother, and I exploded onto you, very unfairly and very aggressively. You did not see this coming. I hurt you deeply.


This was not your fault. This has never been your fault. I caused this. You didn’t see it coming. And it all came from me.


I am so sorry I hurt you K. You deserve love and affection. You deserve this in great abundance.

I love you K.

[Leo1990]

I find it hard to comprehend. Your using a lot of large words that surely a 13yr old would not understand or comprehend well.

But I dont think I could help you with this. You'd have to speak from the heart.

The other thing, is upon reading it, I find it lacks emotion.

[Blacksheep]

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[subliminalsrcool]

I find it hard to comprehend. Your using a lot of large words that surely a 13yr old would not understand or comprehend well.

But I dont think I could help you with this. You'd have to speak from the heart.

The other thing, is upon reading it, I find it lacks emotion.

I think he is just writing what is bothering him out... like a Dear Diary Journal.

Maybe he is looking for support that is why he is sharing it in the Chatterbox forum to share with readers.

[findingme]

I'm glad I posted my letter here. I regularly attempt to write very concisely so I (think) I am clear.

For a 13 year old, it's foo foo.

Thanks for the imput. I've considered hiring a writer on Fiverr to clear it up. I'd gone there a week after the incident, but I chose to ask a counselor on Fiverr for her advice; I ignored her since her message to me was very judgmental. I felt more like crap, and I'd not returned.

Also, doing this is painful for me.

[findingme]

It might be good to take it slow, deliver a short apology and see how she reacts. If she's still upset I'd give her a few more days.

Thanks Travis. I don't need Fiverr to write "I am sorry".

[subliminalsrcool]

So like I am just wondering @finding me, why not just tell your daughter a face to face apology rather than writing a letter? Perhaps an email would suffice too but I think an actual hand written message means alot more since it has the hand writing.

[findingme]

So like I am just wondering @finding me, why not just tell your daughter a face to face apology rather than writing a letter? Perhaps an email would suffice too but I think an actual hand written message means alot more since it has the hand writing.

That I'd have already done, for sure. She's at least 1000 miles away, so face to face isn't possible unless I fly up there for this short conversation.

[Shawn]

So like I am just wondering @finding me, why not just tell your daughter a face to face apology rather than writing a letter? Perhaps an email would suffice too but I think an actual hand written message means alot more since it has the hand writing.

That I'd have already done, for sure. She's at least 1000 miles away, so face to face isn't possible unless I fly up there for this short conversation.

What about Skype? You can message her before that you want to talk to her about what happened that day. Maybe you can also write that you feel bad about what you did that day and want to talk to her/explain what happend. But I am not a pro, just my idea.

Edit: And, yes, try to speak more from your heart than with your head.

[findingme]

Skype.... I'll ask her.

[findingme]

Wow. I got a quick response. I texted her asking if would Skype with me. I told her I wished to speak about that weekend.

She replied within a minute saying she had a really bad day today and she just couldn't.

Thinking of you guys saying to get out of my head, I did. I merely replied "okay. No problem at all."

I'll try tomorrow again. I didn't tell her that so she'd not rehearse for it. (Yes, I'm in my head a lot)

[Raz]

I think what you are trying to do is a good thing. In the past I wished my parents would have put in such effort to clear bad situations afterwards.

But maybe you are going about this too much from your own point of view. Wanting to apologize and get off your heart what is bothering you about what happened. I think it could be better to establish some rapport before apolgizing. Because in the end it's at least as much about your girl as it is about you yourself.

Tell her about how you made an ass of a parent out of yourself, that you made a mistake, feel terrible and that you want to right this wrong. Ask her about how she felt and what she thought about what happened. Listen to her point of view. Really listen. Don't just wait for your turn to speak. You know, this alone is conveying that she is important to you. If she decides to get this stuff off her chest, fine. First step towards a better communication about it. If not, give her time.

I think only after understanding how this incident affected her, you can apologize sincerely and effectively.

This may be a painful path through a field littered with mines of guilt and shame and fear. But it is an action of bravery that you intend to walk it nonetheless.

[Greenduck]

Also, when listening, do not listen only to what she say, but what she feel. What is she trying to tell you? Understand her perspective, use your heart, all of us have one, it's meant to use for understanding. You can do it more than you probably know. With that intent, to understand, you will be fine, and she will forgive you, no doubt about it.

AND

" I likely made you doubt yourself, blame yourself, and judge yourself since what I did made absolutely no sense. It made no sense at all. You didn’t know it was coming. "

You don't know what she felt, unless she actually tells you that she "blamed herself". But anyway, it's almost never a good idea to tell other people what they did, what they felt, etc. That just create more reasons for misunderstandings and possible conflict. Let her tell you. But it's OK to ask "how did that make you feel".