Overcoming Fear v.3 - 5.75.7G - Ampers&d's Journal

[Ampersnd]

Day 30, T-Minus 151 days until end, 3rd day on,

I'm still getting that jittery/stuttery/skittish feeling as I go about my day; it's reminding me of my high school experience/awkwardness. But, I'm getting more positive reactions from people. A fairly attractive coworker - 31, married - is verbally teasing me harder (she used to be more conversational than teasing).

I'm shocked at how I can get only 6-7 hours and feel completely fine throughout the day.

I also made a strong near-future prediction in front of 5 other people, and it came through within 5 seconds. Psychic powers growing?

Considering increasing loops to 3/day on as a result of Shannon's recent post.

[Ampersnd]

Wave of tiredness starting at 8:00 PM today; it is night-class day.
I've had a couple day period of no cravings for chocolates or high calorie foods (beyond what I need to sustain myself)

[Ampersnd]

Day 31, T-Minus 150 days until end, 1st day OFF,

Had 7.5 hours of sleep but crashing at 10PM, even with extra caffeine.
Realizing that I'm able to chill in the public areas without apprehension or anxiety.

Gonna make the most of being tired early and get extra sleep. Don't have to work through the sub tonight.
BTW remind me to upload a screenshot of my sleep a couple of nights ago; almost 75% it was of deep sleep!

[Ampersnd]

Day 32, T-Minus 149 days until end, 2nd day OFF,

Had 8.5 hours of sleep. Starting crashing mid-class at 1-2 PM due to intense/confusing material.
Got several hours of guitar practice and got my running in.

I think that I'm processing something big in the background; I've thrown off many of my indulgences (excessive chocolate, wine, takeout); I'm willing to take cold showers again and to go to bed early.
I've got a weird agitation, but it might be related to any related withdrawals.
It might be a temporary thing, but I look forward to seeing what will happen next week/month.

[Ampersnd]

Day 34, T-Minus 147 days until end, 2nd day ON,

I'm mighty tempted to run 3 loops tonight and tomorrow, despite the fact that I ran 2 loops last night.

[Ampersnd]

Day 35, T-Minus 146 days until end, 3rd day ON,

Running 3 loops feels like having a brain with 8 GB of RAM with 2-3 GB being used up in the background.
It's not a problem until around 9-10 PM, where it's been having an impact.
This is after a pretty good night of sleep too.

[Ampersnd]

Day 38, T-Minus 143 days until end, 1st day ON,

Had a potentially major realization yesterday...

"If you can't handle rich man's rituals, stop pretending to be one"

If I'm not willing to do the difficult things that legitimately rich people do - run a business, make cold calls, negotiate, escape my comfort zone - then I shouldn't mentally masturbate with cars I want or fantasize with real estate, since there's no realistic way for me to make that big money by going the traditional way. I also shouldn't buy fancy clothes or spring for the upper income car, even if I'm making decent amounts of money through a typical 9-5.

[Ampersnd]

Last night, I felt like some deeper issues were surfacing just before bed.
I trust that they're being addressed, given my 3 loops yesterday.

The Russian gal says that I have an intense vibe now and that she's scared of me. Just holding frame better.

[MegaMan]

Day 38, T-Minus 143 days until end, 1st day ON,

Had a potentially major realization yesterday...

"If you can't handle rich man's rituals, stop pretending to be one"

If I'm not willing to do the difficult things that legitimately rich people do - run a business, make cold calls, negotiate, escape my comfort zone - then I shouldn't mentally masturbate with cars I want or fantasize with real estate, since there's no realistic way for me to make that big money by going the traditional way.  I also shouldn't buy fancy clothes or spring for the upper income car, even if I'm making decent amounts of money through a typical 9-5.

Hey Ampersnd, to me it seems like you are limiting yourself with this belief about "the difficult things that legitimately rich people do". There are as many ways to become rich as there are grains of sand in the world. So there are many ways that do not include these "difficult things". Sure these ways may include other tasks, but they lead to riches without the specific "difficult things that legitimately rich people do". 
Maybe just something to think about 

Wishing you success in the grind against fear
MM

[Ampersnd]

Hey Ampersnd, to me it seems like you are limiting yourself with this belief about "the difficult things that legitimately rich people do". There are as many ways to become rich as there are grains of sand in the world. So there are many ways that do not include these "difficult things". Sure these ways may include other tasks, but they lead to riches without the specific "difficult things that legitimately rich people do". 
Maybe just something to think about 

Wishing you success in the grind against fear
MM

Hey Megaman,
Sure, when I say difficult, I mean the things that most people - including many small business owners - dread and avoid, even though they don't necessarily need to be emotionally difficult. These include:
- Sales writing (copywriting)
- Marketing funnels and optimization (e.g., Facebook ads)
- Direct sales (i.e., cold calls or sales calls)
- Looking at reality instead of your own whims and desires
- Looking at the wishes of the market instead of running your business based on preference 
- Cutting dead weight from your company (firing people or removing needless purchases)

Sounds straightforward, but most people make up stories as to why they shouldn't have to do it.

[Ampersnd]

Day 40, T-Minus 141 days until end, 3rd day ON,

Last night's 3 loops put me on my ass; I put in 10.5 hours at the sleep factory.
On the bright side, I've absorbed most of the coding material I studied yesterday.

[Ampersnd]

Day 41, T-Minus 140 days until end, 1st day OFF,

Stress and worst-case scenarios keeping me up last night. Took me 90 minutes to fall asleep.
I made the mistake of watching the scene from Godfather 3 where Tony Garcia handles those two assassins; I was wondering (irrationally) whether that would happen to me.

I know that I'm dealing with something major internally under the surface at the moment. Not sure exactly what it is, but I believe it touches the core of the issue.

I don't have the desire to go out into the world and to truly tackle some bigger goals (i.e., moving to a bigger city), but I think that our incomplete reopening - related to COVID - might have simply hampered my desires to do so. Who knows how motivated I'll feel once I know that it's 95-99% safe to live a normal life again?

[CatMan]

LOL, I love that scene, hahahaha. One of my favourite parts of the movie!

[Ampersnd]

LOL, I love that scene, hahahaha. One of my favourite parts of the movie!

Yeah, as entertainment, it's great. But my unconscious mind must be seriously considering the subject matter as a real-life thing. (Which would be frightening if you didn't have the training/instinct to make it out of the situation).