10-17-2023, 07:23 PM
Day 25,
We've reached the point where my inner Eeyore is rearing its ugly head.
My assumptions about success have inverted; I would normally associate with the self-image being a 'chosen one' who is hard-driving but distractible, and will never be kept down; nowadays, I assume that I will fail at anything I try, so why bother? Very self-defeatist.
My external behaviors are similar to a single person who is fitness minded and takes singing lessons, but not much else.
I would normally feel despair about my lack of motivation, but I don't have those intense feelings. I'm surprisingly even-keel.
I don't take much alcohol, no porn, no video games.
But can't focus on my goals for more than a couple of minutes.
Self-confidence is a bit deflated because I can't rely on myself to do the tasks I'm normally thrilled to pursue, but I know that I'll pull through in the end.
The days and weeks are passing by. A bizarre feeling.
I might be tapping into the days where I was constantly discouraged by my parents for any thoughts or plans outside of their narrow view for me. I naturally rebelled, mentally pursuing my goals up to a point. But I believe that my effectiveness was hampered by inner shame and the desire to not push the envelope far enough to be 'found out' and to kick off the uncomfortable conversation about the direction of my life.
We've reached the point where my inner Eeyore is rearing its ugly head.
My assumptions about success have inverted; I would normally associate with the self-image being a 'chosen one' who is hard-driving but distractible, and will never be kept down; nowadays, I assume that I will fail at anything I try, so why bother? Very self-defeatist.
My external behaviors are similar to a single person who is fitness minded and takes singing lessons, but not much else.
I would normally feel despair about my lack of motivation, but I don't have those intense feelings. I'm surprisingly even-keel.
I don't take much alcohol, no porn, no video games.
But can't focus on my goals for more than a couple of minutes.
Self-confidence is a bit deflated because I can't rely on myself to do the tasks I'm normally thrilled to pursue, but I know that I'll pull through in the end.
The days and weeks are passing by. A bizarre feeling.
I might be tapping into the days where I was constantly discouraged by my parents for any thoughts or plans outside of their narrow view for me. I naturally rebelled, mentally pursuing my goals up to a point. But I believe that my effectiveness was hampered by inner shame and the desire to not push the envelope far enough to be 'found out' and to kick off the uncomfortable conversation about the direction of my life.
UMS v2 Journal (current) || Overcoming Fear 5.75G Journal
