OGSF v2 non-binding journalings and musings

[Have at ye]

This is a very good program. All sorts of limitations are gradually dissolving. If you're getting too much resistance, negative side-effects and such, spend some time with EHPRA first (either v6 or the freely available v.5.75 - like, really, you can't beat that price so there's no reason not to, lol).

[Have at ye]

You know, there's one thing I have a serious beef with EHPRA v6 about.

The "forgive others" module.

Self-forgiveness - alrighty, makes sense to me. But forgive others - I was resisting that tooth and nail and, frankly, I am *glad* I did.

I could go into an entire philosophical rant on the subject, but I've come to the conclusion that my philosphical musings are actually worthwile so now I think I should be charging money for them or something. Or sexual favors. Or both!

But, in short, I am not a "forgive and forget" type of guy. I'm a "f- you and f- off" type of guy. And I choose to be the latter. Unearned forgiveness is an act of grave injustice.

[GreekGod22]

Forgiveness of others is not something you do for them, you do it for your own peace and acceptance of what was.
The goal should be to not feel any kind of anger or bitterness towards them anymore.

[Have at ye]

This is weird. I feel numb. Like, no drive whatsoever to do anything. I could simply sleep and think all day long without ti bothering me, lol.

[Ampersnd]

If you're open to hearing my opinion about forgiveness...
Your approach to it - to not "forgive and forget" - is something that I did exclusively until a few years ago.

I think the logic was that I was witnessing people "getting away with" all of their foibles and dumb choices. Not truly getting smacked in the face by life.
Therefore, *I* would hang on to their foolishness in my memories. And as long as I could hang on, then there was a chance at real justice.

But realistically, no practical good would come from it.
One potential solution - to meet in the middle - would be to create a written record about peoples wrongs, and to only consult with it whenever you're offered to make arrangements with others. That way, you can be reminded of ways that they might spoil that arrangement.

There is an assumption that reveling in your feelings of non-forgiveness will "right" some cosmic "wrong", when in reality that's not what happens.
All that happens is that the events - and related feelings - are bouncing around in your mind, when something more useful and productive can bounce around there instead.
Something that I wrote in my notes in the last 10 days: "The event only happened once, yet you've lived it a thousand times so far."
It means to say that (the general) *you* - your mind - is replaying the events, trying to squeeze every last bit of indignation (perhaps) out of it.

Forgiveness is more about accepting that it happened once. Becoming wiser from the transgression means that it will never happen again. Wisdom does not need to be fueled by indignation.

[Have at ye]

OGSF is really hardcore for me and most unpleasant at times, but I'm soldiering through. I'm having serious depressive symptoms (after I described the symptoms my psychiatrist was like, "yeah, this sounds like an onset of depression", lol), but they oftentimes pass after I get some proper sleep, until I play my next loop.

[Have at ye]

I purchased SARM 2.1b. At this price point, this stuff should better work, OMG, 6.5k potato.

I'll test it at the soonest opportunity when I'm with a lady I'd like to do the nasty with.

I adjusted volume of OGSF slightly and I'm getting less depressed. Had an interesting, important dream related to fear of repercussion/fear of losing my shit and hurting someone, lol.

[Have at ye]

I've come to some conclusions about my so-called "stuffies and thingies" and now I'm through with them, I guess. I don't even feel like using or practicing them anymore, don't feel the need to.

Honestly, I read some psychoanalysis books and it would appear that I was using them in order to "stabilize" myself, in a way (in Lacanian psychoanalysis, it's called "looking for a sinthome", long story, people who go through psychosis kinda need it to stabilize their perception of reality, like f. in. Car Jung did after he went bonkers). There's a very nice kinda pop-science book you can find on Amazon for 10 bucks on the subject called "Why psychosis is not so crazy?", lol (I also read a more involved, professional tome on the same subject by the same author right after - very funky).

The only trouble is that I have invested a not-inconsiderate amount of money in the stuff, but, eh, I guess you live and you learn. Mostly books, but also other things. I can always make more money, eh.

Been feeling a bit better, although I am sad today because I went to singing practice and it went *great* - trouble is, I have nowhere to show it off, oyy, which makes me sad.

I have made some really nice new friends in that community I joined some time ago (they have some attractive ladies there, can't wait to DMSI them when the time comes ). Distanced myself from another friend group (and I will keep my distance as long as they keep revering that deranged ex-girlfirend of mine). I did promise a dude I'll be going to his birthday party with that woman in attendance, oy vey, but eh. I've suffered her this long, one night out should not make much of a difference.

I do miss the DRS, though. Made my life much easier.

Depressive symptoms are lessened, my libido is making a bit of a return which I'm enjoying.

Back to dieting, I'm still below 100 kg but I want to get down do 90 kg. Then I'lll feel sexy enough to go on like, sexy-times websites, post up some pics, look for some ladies to do the nasty with.

Otherwise, working translation jobs, I have two new customers lined up. Won't mind the money, gotta save up for them premium programs.

[Have at ye]

Ooof, sometimes OGSF hits *really hard* and it's kinda unpredictable - I guess it could mean that resistance is flaring up and/or another layer of trauma/GSF is getting worked upon. It'll usually make me feel depressed/hopeless for a couple of days with very unpleasant wonky sensations to boot, and then I'm gonna start getting some truly fascinating dreams and the sensations and depression pass.

I did arrive through auto-config at a setup that works great for me, though. When the resistance gets to be too much for me to stomach I increase the volume temporarily, it usually makes it go away a little bit faster.

Anyway, singing is going great technique-wise, I'm making great strides and it's sounding really awesome! So I'm pursuing some ideas on how to get my career back on track.

Otherwise, the last several days have been awfully quiet on the translation jobs front which isn't making me happy, I want the monies to save up for programs and such, oy.

[Have at ye]

I had to use a higher volume for some time to break through resistance and it seems to have worked. Now I'm back to the standard volume from the instructions (5/15) and having extensive dreams and such.

I have my ups and downs, but eh, right now I'm feeling pretty good. Kinda on the lookout for women, even though I'm still working through women-related trauma, shame and fears and such.

Got a new client for translations which is good. Working on material for singing auditions; singing is going very well.

[Have at ye]

I find myself increasing the volume again because resistant/traumatised parts of me were getting very uppity. They're making it really unpleasant for me when they get uppity, like, REALLY unpleasant.

I feel like I'm making decent progress otherwise, though. Interesting dreams and such. Looking for singing opportunities, but there are extremely few for people without professional representation, oyyyy. I'm on the lookout for such, but I still feel like I need to get my voice a little bit more under control, though (long story). Singing's going very well, I'm working out a particular technical issue when it comes to high notes right now (I can sing them on-pitch, but the sound isn't exactly beautiful and I want it beautiful, heh). I'm really pissed off that various instructors wasted years of my life with, well, bad instruction, and ultimately I have to do everything pretty much on my own, but not much I can do about it now. Preparing for chorus job auditions, ready to pounce at any opportunity that comes my way.

I think I'm about ready to start going out a little bit more. Will probably go to an event tomorrow and then another one on Tuesday.

[Have at ye]

Okay, I figured out a way of using this sub that pretty much nullifies resistance/unpleasant "counterattacks" by resistant parts of me (the "wonky sensations" parts, lol. By "counterattacks" I mean it'd throw *extremely unpleasant and disturbing* thoughts, images and emotions at me incessantly, I'd also get the occasional resistance headache). So that's good, should make my life easier while I'm using the program. I do use it at a very high volume now, though (13/15 - anything lower than that and the resistant parts start getting uppity). The only downside is that it's making me sleepy.

I'm kinda tempted to do a re-run of the new EHPRA after (maybe for a month or two, using a similar setting on my new phone - the previous one had way worse quality), but my main plan is still going for another shot at OED. I'll see how I feel when it comes to it.

Anyway, I chanced upon some auditions for which I'd have to prepare two pretty difficult pieces and record them within the next two weeks. It's doable, but I won't be able to do it alone so I'm gonna have to keep pestering my pianist buddy to work on this stuff with me, oyy. Dude's usually ready and willing to help out since we're buds, but he's also quite busy most of the time and a bit of a smartass, haha.

I left two internet fora I joined recently after figuring out they're filled with pretty crappy people/people who require serious psychiatric attention as well as con-jobs who try to exploit them financially. I did spend some money on cons and wishful thinking as well, but, eh, you live and you learn.

I did beat paranoid schizophrenia in less than 2 years (no symptoms whatsoever anymore, and I've been off meds as well for over three months too - just don't tell my psychiatrist, he'd probably be all like "oh, hell no!" - but that crap has serious side-effects and I figured I don't need them anymore to manage hallucinations and such), so I guess that's pretty badass. Now I'd like to have a life of some sort to go along with it, lol.

I was considering purchasing a penis extender, but after some digging, research and reading up on some side-effects this can have I have elected against it. Oh well. Maybe I'll try PE in subliminal form one of these days! But it's not that urgent (6g, maybe? I'm willing to bet pretty good money once 6G hits the shelves CatMan is going to be all like, "hey, how about Penis Enlargment in 6G!" ).

[Frosted]

That’s awesome that you’re not experiencing schizophrenia symptoms anymore. I also beat schizophrenia, or at least that’s what my psychologist had labeled it (they weren’t completely sure what I had, but schizophrenia fit the most). I attribute my recovery 100% to Shannon’s subs.

[Have at ye]

Thanks, and congrats! I was diagnosed with "indeterminate psychosis" or whatchamacallit, and then later my new psychiatrist added "observation re: paranoid schizophrenia" to the diagnosis, but I told the initial bunch (when I was hospitalized) I had all the textbook symptoms of paranoid schizophrenia (because I'm interested in psychiatry, psychology, psychoanalysis, and such, so I was 95% sure that's what it was - I was severly paranoid, I heard abusive voices, I had delusions of being mind-controlled, I was suicidal, I was "dreaming while awake", the works) but they wouldn't believe me, haha (as they do with people who've been through a recent psychotic episode, eh).

I read this neat little book called "Why psychosis is not so crazy?" and it helped me a lot, it's a neat little read and I highly recommend it (10$ in ebook format on Amazon). I also read "The subject of psychosis" by the same author which is a hefty tome on psychonalysis, which further elucidated some issues, but I would only recommend it to people seriously interested in Lacanian psychoanalysis. And once I understood WTF had happened and why, whatever symptoms I had left started going away (they were gradually decreasing on their own, and hopefully subs helped as well, but after these books I feel totally free of the darn thing).

Take care!