07-14-2021, 01:09 AM
Day 10
Rest day 2
Regarding my last post, I'm unsure when I'll pull off OF3, mostly since I'm in execution and seeing more fruit presently. It's nice, and it's new.
For one, even writing here has been plagued with difficulty for me for a very long time. Fearing negative reactions from others was always on my mind. It's like my mind was trying to live in a fantasy of peace while simultaneously avoiding, ducking, and dodging fears that shrieked the worst at me. I've been paying attention as small barriers (which are big to me) seem to fall away.
And something shifted lately. I first noticed me washing my dishes last night right before going to bed. I'll usually have 2-3 dishes in my sink for days (connecting my thoughts to old "unfinished" business). Then, I actually began cleaning my bathroom vanity after brushing my teeth--which I've not touched in the six months I've been here. It's not earth-shattering, but something's shifting.
I felt a twinge of sadness this morning, the same I felt last Friday on my 3rd off day. It feels like something big is shifting in me again. When I just paid attention to it, it feels like it's covering my whole mind and reality. I'm rather abstract--since I only sense it. I've never experienced this before.
And lastly, upon leaving work last night, I realized.....I didn't feel afraid and helpless after talking to our female manager. My gut's usually tied up, I make quick, short responses, I avoid eye contact, and I exit quickly. Last night I relaxed, had no "escape plan" in my head, she laughed at things I said, and wow, my gut wasn't tied up in fear while walking out.
Something's shifting nicely.
Rest day 2
Regarding my last post, I'm unsure when I'll pull off OF3, mostly since I'm in execution and seeing more fruit presently. It's nice, and it's new.
For one, even writing here has been plagued with difficulty for me for a very long time. Fearing negative reactions from others was always on my mind. It's like my mind was trying to live in a fantasy of peace while simultaneously avoiding, ducking, and dodging fears that shrieked the worst at me. I've been paying attention as small barriers (which are big to me) seem to fall away.
And something shifted lately. I first noticed me washing my dishes last night right before going to bed. I'll usually have 2-3 dishes in my sink for days (connecting my thoughts to old "unfinished" business). Then, I actually began cleaning my bathroom vanity after brushing my teeth--which I've not touched in the six months I've been here. It's not earth-shattering, but something's shifting.
I felt a twinge of sadness this morning, the same I felt last Friday on my 3rd off day. It feels like something big is shifting in me again. When I just paid attention to it, it feels like it's covering my whole mind and reality. I'm rather abstract--since I only sense it. I've never experienced this before.
And lastly, upon leaving work last night, I realized.....I didn't feel afraid and helpless after talking to our female manager. My gut's usually tied up, I make quick, short responses, I avoid eye contact, and I exit quickly. Last night I relaxed, had no "escape plan" in my head, she laughed at things I said, and wow, my gut wasn't tied up in fear while walking out.
Something's shifting nicely.
I want to be FREE!
