OF3 - Seeing some light

[findingme]

Day 3
1st rest day
2 loops daily

OF3 is definitely working. I listened last night, and this morning I know it's still working, evidenced by me writing now.

Since I'd already done a week of listening about 3 weeks back, I found out one loop was not enough presently, so I'm doing 2 and will pay attention to see if it needs adjusting.

I had an interesting daydream yesterday at work, and I've had similar daydreams on Shannon's subs before. OF3 was prompting me to consider things I've not done out of fear and I thought about being in a committed relationship with a beautiful woman. I had a feeling of inadequacy come up, but I was going through my desired plan in my mind.

I realized I wanted to be in my girl's father's favor, and I imagined having that first (fearful) conversation with him. As I created my defense in my head, I felt strength and fear battling each other. It was at this moment I realized a relationship fear I've carried. The daydream ended, and it was a nice coupling of true desires and internal fears showing themselves.

I'll share more later, but I'm heading out..........hold on--gonna be honest. I'm skipping out since old fears of rejection are surfacing the more I write. OF3 definitely has its work cut out for me.

[findingme]

Day 4
Rest Day 2

I noticed something when I got off work. While relaxing my mind and body, I had a strange awareness just barely show itself.

I noticed OF3 was quietly digging deeper into my fear banks, like it's been clearing out some surface stuff first, the many things I've thought were real issues, when maybe they're not.

Going with that, I have another rest day tomorrow. I used to really dislike them since a lot of subs I've used have felt good while actively listening to them. Pausing listening equated to not feeling confident, hopeful, or just peacefully content. But I'm kind of excited to see more execution. My last memory of doing this was with OF v.1, which I used all of a few weeks last year. It was only a few days I was off, but one morning I woke up--and I was unusually unafraid. I journaled about it--for it was really, really obvious to me. I look forward to tomorrow.

[findingme]

Day 5
Rest Day 3

Something I'm seeing, and have been seeing these last few days, is how I'm (habitually) sabotaging myself. But what's different is I'm not owned by fear and imagined helplessness over it. I'm thinking of how Shannon wrote we'd have to start using our conscious minds vs. letting our fears make our decisions, and that's happening.

I'm still feeling some fear over sabotaging myself, but I can tell (and feel) that's it's a habitual fear response. I've usually felt it, felt defeated, and would actually look for ways to f*** something up. I'm just feeling freer this morning. Nice Shannon

[Shannon]

Glad to see you making progress.

[findingme]

Day 6
Running 2 loops--ultrasonic

Fear.

Fear popped up as I began getting closer to writing here and beginning my loops. I even downed some coffee 5 minutes ago to squelch it some. Self sabotage in play.

I'm mentally wanting to act out an old role of playing helpless, an old internal tape. Damn, it seems hard to leave old ways. And fear grew (just saw this) when looking either backward or forward, not at the present.

I'll share what's prompting this. My bitcoin miner had traded for me a bit last year, and we lost almost everything we put in. I don't trust his trading. He shared about some liquid swapping of alt-coins on Binance making 100% gains in 24 hours, sharing the returns were guaranteed (he shared some personal returns of his own). I had some cash, and cautiously only put in $100. The plan worked. I sent some more, and it doubled as well. He then quickly suggested we keep going....and it triggered intense fear since....I heard the gambler in him: he used the word "trade" again.

I didn't have enough info, and I told him so. I was blunt. Then, this morning, I shared he'd said "trade" when we were liquid swapping, and I wouldn't trade with him. Words are important, so I sought clarification and did so bluntly.

Me replying like this triggered an old fear of abandonment in me, a major force presently in my life. From even before finding IML, this fear has steered me. Me playing nice with anyone and everyone is rooted in this fear. "Nice guy" behavior is all a product of the fear of abandonment.

Let's see where this goes. I'm still nervous.

[findingme]

I'll share a new reaction in me. An internal one.

I disagreed with my miner this morning over email, and I had control over my anger and snap judgements. In my last email, I shared something awefully honest, unaware really how it'll affect him.

I owned my own misplaced perceptions. I shared "If I spot it, I got it", sharing angrily how my own father made millions in his lifetime, but ended up living in a travel trailer surviving off of social security his last days. My father was, by looking at the outcomes, afraid of having too much money, spending and gambling it away quickly.

I shared it is my own fear of being a gambler, and I have been pointing blame at him.

He hasn't replied. But owning it wasn't heavily fearful or apprehensive like in the past.

Strange thing: I feel sad underneath, just barely. I'm unsure if it's me saddened by letting go of something, or an imagined abandonment.

Intuition says I'm letting go of something.

[findingme]

Day 7
2 loops, haven't listened yet

I just woke up after sleeping in. I heard something in my head while lying here, and I'm writing now. I heard "Not allowed to be free".

Most recent manifestation of that showing was last night, right before bed. I'd gotten up to use the bathroom, feeling a desire for freedom in my life, and I stopped, looking right in front of me. I have a cardboard box in my room I've had in here almost 3 weeks now from an Amazon delivery. I normally desire to keep delivery boxes for a few days in case something's wrong with the product--but nothing's wrong with the item.

I have multiple other things laying around my room, keeping me "unfinished", antsy, and sometimes even feeling without hope and discouraged.

Yeah, I could just go pick it up and throw it out. I admit I fight myself regularly doing so, and ultimately I use shame and logic for motivation. In other words, I have to feel down or desparate to clean my place up, sometimes afraid (like when I get word from my landlord they're coming by for something). Most often, fear of a shaming has been my motivator. I grew up like that, not a good feeling.

This is a big realization, showing in multiple other areas such as business success and relationships. Baby steps have been made in recent years in both, some steps bigger than others, but----but going forward and succeeding without continued attempts to sabotage progress has NOT happened yet. My own mind is blocking me.

Gonna listen to loops now.

P.S. I wondered days ago if Shannon was putting the anti-clutter module in E5. And exactly like above, I experienced both desire to ask him along with an internal "no, no, no". My beliefs control me. They flipping suck--and I even fought myself imagining freedom these last 30 seconds.

[findingme]

Taking responsibility. For messing up. For succeeding. I just re-read yesterday's post about my miner. And he replied this morning. No tragic changes like I'd imagined.

I'm reflective now, connecting childhood memories with present circumstances. Feeling like I shut down my growth in childhood. Like I stopped. Just stopped. I'd hope for a salvation at times, but fear held me back from hoping for or seeking it. I learned to put on a "nice guy" mask so people wouldn't leave me. Fear always remained. Fear also f***** me up by keeping me in that exact same spot. If people weren't leaving me, I'd leave them. I think I've put myself in more pain from imagining an abandonment than ever experiencing them. That is 100% true. My thoughts were my reality, and fear has been the pain-making rudder on my life journey.

I've been watching my reactions to people this week, and my intuition has seen me repeatedly act out in fear (to avoid people rejecting or abandoning me). I rode with a driver 2ce this week at a worksite out of town, we got along....but I had this fear making me duck and dodge reality--meaning I was constantly making him laugh. It became uncomfortable for me through my days, but what COULD I do differently? I'm sure they'll call me back next week, so I'm....just doing my norm of being afraid now :/ .

Something did start breaking through Friday--I'm not sure I wrote this down--oh, I did some. I wrote about "letting go". OF3 was breaking through my fear of being real, and I felt sad in the possibility of losing my battle to hide it (from myself). I've done this for decades, so it changing me felt very saddening. It was quite a shift from me laughing and joking, so my driver noticed, even trying to encourage me a few times. My job was difficult, I thought I was airing a "giving up" mentality doing it, but what I was giving up was much more my real focus: being constantly afraid of changing and letting go of my old beliefs. OF3 was kicking in, and this was on my 3rd rest day. Execution is such a good thing.

Now, I'm feeling fear (on and off after listening to loops), so I'll end this here. Lots of emotion rising.

[findingme]

Day 8
First rest day

I woke up and habitually put on a loop. Then checked myself. I'd done loops both Saturday and Sunday, so 2 days down. It was rest days, so I killed my player after running it 10 minutes. I even called out today since I was out late last night, not my norm.

So, I'm home today, and I'm looking for info and inspiration on money ideas. I even did a personality survey this morning on a company's website to see what kind of investor I was. Did so, and I was encouraged. Short story is my very personality strengths are also my weaknesses. I've found this true in investing, where I'd make a quick decision and sometimes regret it. I'm much more aware of questionable investments now.

But this is about my OF3 results. I took advantage of those avenues today since fear always tries to spook me away from taking action. So I jumped in, connecting old ideas and plans with possible newer ones.

I also contacted a man about a financial trust I've known about, facing fears of.....well, my past lack of follow-through. I'd gone back and forth with him over the last 2 months, me doing the waiting...waiting....waiting to commit.

I'm also feeling a little braver being direct with my miner/trader. He shared his investment plans with my money 2 days ago, I added some more questions, but haven't heard back. I DID give specific money goals though, and he'd agreed to it in earlier conversations. I can only assume he didn't reply yet since he wants to deliver before talking. I'm may be just dreaming, but it's pointing that way.

Need to breathe............ok.


And last night, I accepted an invitation to dinner with my sister. I've avoided her a lot in recent years since I've wanted emotional help...which she wasn't really capable of. I didn't even know why I was going, and I had a host of angry imaginations of possible arguments that might ensue.

And.....it never happened. I was open, and I found she needed me that day. Her daughter committed suicide 2(?) years ago, and she was on my sister's mind. My sister recently moved out of her BF's house since he'd hit her in month's past, and she knew she could talk to me. She actually cried in front of me, something I've never witnessed, and I knew she was in real need. We talked about a lot of family stuff, things I'd not thought of in eons, and I found it to be a true time for healing. I didn't leave until 9, got to bed at 10, and decided I could and would take care of myself today upon waking up.

One thing I'll highlight is this: while driving to her place, I realized, spoke, and began crying since I've believed "if I want love, I need to perform (give, work, etc.)" I shared this with her after we'd talked a while, I'd seen a connection to my unavailable wife while married, and I cried again. She had shared she'd thrown away some cards of my Mom's she'd found where me and my brothers were literally begging our mom to love us. We were 6-9 years old when we'd wrote them. I had blocked that memory.

And this has been the main limiter to me pursuing relations with women currently. A lot of it is fear, and a part is unreleased grief. I have no idea why, but I'm keeping those words. I've circled around, soothed, medicated, manipulated......damn...but I've not owned it yet. OF3 is getting me closer. I'm really, really grateful for this tool presently.

[findingme]

I've been home all day, knowing I still need to go to a store for my phone. I've thought I was ok. Considering I've always had some fear in place, I wasn't moved. Fear usually moves me...

Almost 2 hours back I had a major fear rush, and from what I'm not sure. I feel like my physical body is fighting my mental states, with me having stomach pains most of the day. I then read MysticPymp's thread of how he'd goofed and listened to 9+ loops accidentally. I also read Shannon saying it may have had good effects on him, nonetheless.

An increasing feeling of desperation hit me, and I turned on loops. My 2nd loop is almost finished. I've had this long-time fear of being called out in anger, which I've projected onto Shannon numerous times. This could come from anyone really, but it's why I've curtailed myself or simply not written to men here.

Loop just ended.

Fear of rejection is on the table. It's showing mostly in my stomach.

Major: I just realized I put my whole worth in other's hands. Like I'm only worthy IF you love or like me, which is why I hide and isolate mostly. And it doesn't/hasn't worked.

Damn. The connection is my old belief which showed up from childhood last night: I'll be loved if I perform ("if I'm good, obedient, submissive") .......all beliefs I've equated with being a weak man.

Edit: I'm not a weak man. I've been without awareness, answers, or a sense of self-worth to make helpful, hopeful choices in my life.

Fear is still hanging on.

[tolgaocal80]

I've been home all day, knowing I still need to go to a store for my phone.  I've thought I was ok.  Considering I've always had some fear in place, I wasn't moved.  Fear usually moves me...

Almost 2 hours back I had a major fear rush, and from what I'm not sure.  I feel like my physical body is fighting my mental states, with me having stomach pains most of the day.  I then read MysticPymp's thread of how he'd goofed and listened to 9+ loops accidentally.  I also read Shannon saying it may have had good effects on him, nonetheless.

An increasing feeling of desperation hit me, and I turned on loops.  My 2nd loop is almost finished.  I've had this long-time fear of being called out in anger, which I've projected onto Shannon numerous times.  This could come from anyone really, but it's why I've curtailed myself or simply not written to men here.  

Loop just ended.

Fear of rejection is on the table.  It's showing mostly in my stomach.

Major: I just realized I put my whole worth in other's hands.  Like I'm only worthy IF you love or like me, which is why I hide and isolate mostly.  And it doesn't/hasn't worked.

Damn.  The connection is my old belief which showed up from childhood last night: I'll be loved if I perform ("if I'm good, obedient, submissive")  .......all beliefs I've equated with being a weak man.

Edit: I'm not a weak man. I've been without awareness, answers, or a sense of self-worth to make helpful, hopeful choices in my life.  

Fear is still hanging on.

hi, did you ever use AM,ASC or SE kind of sub?

[findingme]

hi, did you ever use AM,ASC or SE kind of sub?

No. My first was E2. I dabbled with ASC a night or two, but never stayed with it. I considered AM after E2, but went on Ultimate Detox after that. I did SE 5.5 for a few weeks just prior to UD, but it really highlighted beliefs and feelings I had been trying to hide, so I pulled off. UD was a freeing sub for me since it scraped off the scab I'd been trying to protect.

I believe I've spent a LOT of time avoiding the elephant in (my) room. I think....I just think.... OF3 is revealing it. A young childhood trauma, which I've "written" about, I've bumped up against it with some subliminals, but it's held its place firmly.

I can't speak on the above subs you mention because....well, OF3 is digging in presently, like it's planning its attack, seeking my assistance. In most of my experience, confidence and self-esteem subs have worked beautifully for a while. But they've also been diminished and tainted with old emotional hurts I still carry.

Honestly, I have an inner disgust with mentioning this stuff, as I used to do so with ill intentions. I did that for years.......but as OF3 digs in, I sense a needing to clear out old shit. It has no rightful place in my life!!

I wasn't created to live like this!!!

I'm angry, and that's saying something for me.

Edit: I did do LTU5 for many months. The feel-good and confidence on that was addicting. LTU5 worked beautifully for me

[tolgaocal80]

I am not an expert but, the facing the thing that irritiates us is the most needed thing to heal from it. I have still nightmares, still the deepest shits I had been exposure is coming out of my mind but, one by one I accept them and, outgrowing them, That is not a weakness to have them but not facing them is.

while OF is pulling them out,you have opportunity, face with them
just my humble ideas, not advices

if it is not personal, could you share your trauma? you said you had written it

[findingme]

Deleted: too personal