08-07-2021, 12:18 PM
Day 37 cont.
Having anxiety-free and time-wise free day for the first time in at least a week brings interesting results. As I was writing the last update I was reading through my old journals, something I do rarely but is extremely educational. It's funny how you read your past updates and some things you remember vividly and some you cannot piece together. And how the events I was experiencing culminated eventually. I was shocked as to how I was able to predict that my ex would write to me and how I was preparing mentally for the upcomming storm.
Did I do good compared to who I was way back when? Partly yes partly no. I think I wrote enough on this thread about "transition to adulthood". But I think I did good. I'm wiser, but also more jaded. Life lost much of its charm and magic. In general LTU6 and OF3 were very harsh for me compared to likes of LTU5, AM or DMSI. Life seems for grinding now and I think this is reflected in the journals as well. I would love so much to go back to this. And it is possible, it's just a matter of changing the perspective I've developed, especially after COVID.
Strangely I did not find myself disagreeing with my past self. I either agreed and if anything I felt ashamed that I forgot the lessons I've learnt in the past or I disagreed only with the benefit of hindsight. The biggest lesson by far is that I lost this kind of faith that things will turn up well. You may recall my analogy of life as a card game like poker. If we hold this analogy then now I am this overanalyzing, almost soulless player that plays to win while in the past I'd just play my cards and see what's gonna happen.
Were I facing anxieties? Sure. Were I frustrated when things didn't go my way? Of course. But I was so much more outcome independent. I was letting things fly around me. I wasn't building huge plans, scheming and burning myself out in the process. This is a new development and a hurting one, caused probably by COVID-induced solitude and to some extent loss of a foundation when my father died.
Now I'm shackled by my work. Sometimes I get this feeling like I will never be happy again. But this is false. I will be done with this soon. And when I'm done, when I will no longer live alone, when I will have a new and better job, when I will reclaim my peace of mind I will do my best to come back to that old mindset. Life will be magical again, I must reclaim what I forgot I had.
Having anxiety-free and time-wise free day for the first time in at least a week brings interesting results. As I was writing the last update I was reading through my old journals, something I do rarely but is extremely educational. It's funny how you read your past updates and some things you remember vividly and some you cannot piece together. And how the events I was experiencing culminated eventually. I was shocked as to how I was able to predict that my ex would write to me and how I was preparing mentally for the upcomming storm.
Did I do good compared to who I was way back when? Partly yes partly no. I think I wrote enough on this thread about "transition to adulthood". But I think I did good. I'm wiser, but also more jaded. Life lost much of its charm and magic. In general LTU6 and OF3 were very harsh for me compared to likes of LTU5, AM or DMSI. Life seems for grinding now and I think this is reflected in the journals as well. I would love so much to go back to this. And it is possible, it's just a matter of changing the perspective I've developed, especially after COVID.
Strangely I did not find myself disagreeing with my past self. I either agreed and if anything I felt ashamed that I forgot the lessons I've learnt in the past or I disagreed only with the benefit of hindsight. The biggest lesson by far is that I lost this kind of faith that things will turn up well. You may recall my analogy of life as a card game like poker. If we hold this analogy then now I am this overanalyzing, almost soulless player that plays to win while in the past I'd just play my cards and see what's gonna happen.
Were I facing anxieties? Sure. Were I frustrated when things didn't go my way? Of course. But I was so much more outcome independent. I was letting things fly around me. I wasn't building huge plans, scheming and burning myself out in the process. This is a new development and a hurting one, caused probably by COVID-induced solitude and to some extent loss of a foundation when my father died.
Now I'm shackled by my work. Sometimes I get this feeling like I will never be happy again. But this is false. I will be done with this soon. And when I'm done, when I will no longer live alone, when I will have a new and better job, when I will reclaim my peace of mind I will do my best to come back to that old mindset. Life will be magical again, I must reclaim what I forgot I had.
For not by numbers of men, nor by measure of body, but by valor of soul is war to be decided.
~Belisarius, the last Roman
Certitude is for the puzzle-box logicians and girls of white glamour [...]. I am a letter written in uncertainty.
~36 Lessons of Vivec, Sermon 4
~Belisarius, the last Roman
Certitude is for the puzzle-box logicians and girls of white glamour [...]. I am a letter written in uncertainty.
~36 Lessons of Vivec, Sermon 4
