Mystic Boldness, Courageous Pymp, OF3 journal

[Mystic Pymp]

Thanks @LionMonkey, I appreciate it. What I think I fear about this is that it will end up the same as it did before. I've been in two relationships and it didn't work both time. The answer as to why lies on both sides but I cannot escape the thought that I failed both of the girls. Both of them were troubled (and it's not like I'm not troubled myself) and I could have done more. I didn't for one reason or another and that's history. I'm a different person now and I'm looking for something different in people as well. Fear or not time will come when I will open up myself again - maybe romantically, maybe just sexually, maybe platonically, maybe all of them at the same time. At this moment I'm only half-committed to this but if opportunity arises I have no intention of letting fear screw me up.

Day 15 off

A day of, most probably earned. I feel like the stay at my mother's is getting too long already, once I have more stable job and I'll be able to visit only sparingly I think it may do be better than prolonged stays. That being said I'm not that willing to leave either. Here is this weird safe zone where I come back to my childhood self and don't have to face fears of adulthood. Right now I wish I could cower and hide indeterminately. I know I cannot though and that I'll have to face the challenges. It fuels me with fear and courage at the same time.

I keep having this very short but vivid dreams where I see that girl who ghosted me finally replying. It's tiresome but it shows that somehow, deep down I care. Consciously I care about this less and less. I think the hurt mainly came from that wedding party fiasco and now that it's obvious she won't be coming with me I'm more relaxed. If she never gets in touch again it's fine, if it takes her next few weeks or months it's fine as well. In the meantime I will keep on doing what I'm doing as if I never knew her.

A couple of days ago I reminded myself of this girl I met at the music festival. I got her number but never followed up on this. However we got in touch more than a year later and were good friends ever since for something like 6 years now. And apparently all this time she kept my number though she never contacted me in that time. You never know what may happen and what others think.