Last nights sleep was mixed with half-awake episodes and lots of thinking. Got a handful insights about myself, like how I hold everyone in my life at arms length away and don't really open up to anyone despite being completely open about my past with everyone. It's a bit of a paradox, but it ultimately makes sense. I value my past self but not my present self. So much so, that I even refrain from being really honest with myself. Interesting but at the same time disturbing. I still seem to have a massive inferiority complex.
Another thing that became clear is that I am a negative person with a convincing mask that fools every person around me to think that I am a unshakingly positive and happy person. Just the way this mask was intended. Now they say that if you wear a mask long enough you will eventually become that mask. But in my case it's not what has happened. Instead I stopped thinking negative thoughts for extended periods of time but without my thought-space being automatically transformed into a positive one. The negative thoughts simply went quiet and as a result I think less. My underlying persona stays the same, while the superficial positive thinking/being is just another way to prevent change. Or maybe I can put it another way by borrowing from the Japanese concept of Honne and Tatemae (I'm probably using this not correctly, but nontheless): Honne represents the personal feelings and wishes, the uncensored self, the sum of who you are within, flawed and biased and everything. Tatemae is the sum of positions and behaviors you show in public. How you want to be perceived. Tatemae represents my mask. Instead of changing my Honne, I readjusted and polished my Tatemae. I can even fool myself with this act. And so it all comes to acceptance. And even deeper to a lack self-acceptance, self-esteem, self-confidence, self-worth and so on. Hello inferiority complex.
This is only day 4 of LTU. Kinda makes me feel like I wasted more than a year on the wrong subs.
Another thing that became clear is that I am a negative person with a convincing mask that fools every person around me to think that I am a unshakingly positive and happy person. Just the way this mask was intended. Now they say that if you wear a mask long enough you will eventually become that mask. But in my case it's not what has happened. Instead I stopped thinking negative thoughts for extended periods of time but without my thought-space being automatically transformed into a positive one. The negative thoughts simply went quiet and as a result I think less. My underlying persona stays the same, while the superficial positive thinking/being is just another way to prevent change. Or maybe I can put it another way by borrowing from the Japanese concept of Honne and Tatemae (I'm probably using this not correctly, but nontheless): Honne represents the personal feelings and wishes, the uncensored self, the sum of who you are within, flawed and biased and everything. Tatemae is the sum of positions and behaviors you show in public. How you want to be perceived. Tatemae represents my mask. Instead of changing my Honne, I readjusted and polished my Tatemae. I can even fool myself with this act. And so it all comes to acceptance. And even deeper to a lack self-acceptance, self-esteem, self-confidence, self-worth and so on. Hello inferiority complex.
This is only day 4 of LTU. Kinda makes me feel like I wasted more than a year on the wrong subs.
_ - Third Stone From The Sun - _
