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Strange Gateways Beckon - Kalmah's Journey Into Greatness (WM2.0)
01-30-2018, 05:42 PM
Post: #1041
RE: Strange Gateways Beckon - Kalmah's Journey Into Greatness (WM2.0)
Realizing more and more why I've been so abysmally weak and depressed these last few days, and understanding why has made me really angry.

I did it again. I got attached to another vapid ***** who was just trying to play games with me. Only this time, even with all of my newfound confidence and sense of self, I still let her break down my barriers and control me. I need to have higher standards for myself and the women I keep company with. I need to realize that with this sub I am, and am continuing to become, a true ***** stud, a top alpha dog, and I need to always be carrying that mentality around with me. I was so golden when I felt like that top golden boy just a few short weeks ago, and it wasn't until I spent 5 or 6 dates with this chick feeling myself grow emotionally connected to her that I began to crumble and collapse.

Despite all of the T&A grabbing we've done, all the making out, all of the reaching under each other's pants in broad daylight and grabbing each other's genitalia, we haven't actually had sex. I've never even seen her naked. I feel so much more comfortable grabbing and going for the lay now, but I've made so many attempts and she's always pushed me away. "We're just getting to know each other," she'd insist. "We're taking it slow".

Okay... that's fine by me. If this girl doesn't wanna ****, I don't need physical intimacy to feel satisfied for the time being. Emotional intimacy is really nice for me, too, and maybe I want some more of that.

So we're cuddling on Friday, grabbing each other, stroking each other--and I admit to her that after I sent her a copy of my latest screenplay, I had realized that I had never sent a woman my writing before. She flipped out and was like "Oh, you really like me, huh?" I smiled flirtily, winked and said "Maybe just a bit." I went to kiss her and she said "I HAVE TO GO TO BED". It was like 8:30 at night.

Ever since then this chick has been off the walls hot and cold. Today she texted me 11 times to tell me she missed me and missed the sound of my voice. She called me out of the blue during her lunch hour to talk to me on the phone about her boss. When we hung up, she texted me and asked if her calling me with random bs was annoying. She told me she'd swing by my place later tonight to chill.

She calls me around 7:30PM (so an hour ago) telling me she's going out with a bunhc of her friends and can't meet me anymore. Then she gives me this whole shpeel about how she doesn't do relationships, but that I should move in with her and we can share a bed and I can pay half the rent. This girl is ***** insane, and more importantly, she only became insane as soon as I validated that I had a real interest in her.

I ***** hate that women do this, man. They get cold feet the moment the dude opens himself up just the slightest bit, makes himself the tiniest bit emotionally vulnerable to them. But I'm trained for this kind of shit now thanks to Woman Magnet. I need to stand up for myself as the high-worth, high-value guy I am. She doesn't want to give me physical intimacy? That's fine. But she doesn't want to give me emotional intimacy either? What the **** am I supposed to get out of this? I sure as hell give her enough of an ego boost complimenting her on her ass and her other qualities enough, I give her a big enough thrill making out with her and letting her shove her hand down my pants in public--but no sex, and now all this hot-and-cold *****?

I'm out. Too many women in the world that I could be having sex with or getting emotionally connected with in a mutual, respectful way to be treated like this by this one random girl, who isn't even all that intelligent and isn't insanely hot or anything. Big waste of my time and energy. ****.

Like snowfall, you cry a silent storm
Your tears paint rivers on this oaken wall. . .


-- Agalloch, The Mantle
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01-30-2018, 11:08 PM
Post: #1042
RE: Strange Gateways Beckon - Kalmah's Journey Into Greatness (WM2.0)
Hey man, I'm sorry to hear that. I've been following you for a while, I was happy to see you progress from dark depression to the state you were in a few weeks ago. I wanted to chime in earlier but you needed to figure it out yourself. You arrived at the correct conclusion, your time can be better spent with other women who will give you what you want. However you need to back it up. You said you're out, so get out. Go cold on her. Don't answer her calls. Don't text her back. Boot her out of your life. So many guys (including myself) fail at doing this. They're not strong enough.

Look, you already made the mistake of over investing too fast, before she showed similar level of investment. She already sees you as a low status beta. There's no going back from there. She'll continue to try to keep you around as a beta orbiter for various purposes. She'll sprinkle in false hopes. Don't fall for it. But don't resent her either. Women f**k alphas and use betas. It's in their nature. It's your fault for her current behavior to you. You were a beta. The only thing you can do now is move on and don't be a beta next time.

Next time, convey your intent clearly to her. Let her know you'll walk away if she won't give you what you want. Learn game so that you can convey all that in a calibrated and smooth manner. But don't do it on this girl. She's already a lost cause. All the best brother, you'll find your groove soon and I'm looking forward to it!
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Djinnni
01-31-2018, 02:58 AM
Post: #1043
RE: Strange Gateways Beckon - Kalmah's Journey Into Greatness (WM2.0)
(01-30-2018 10:48 AM)kalmah0804 Wrote:  Woman Magnet 2.0: Stage 3, Day 13:
She's kind of a mental headcase and is so hot and cold on a regular basis and I always don't know wtf I said or did to cause her mental shifts.

You might be in serious danger. That behavior really doesnt sound healthy.
But you figured it out yourself, thats great! Nobody can make a decision for you.

Maybe you want to read a bit about borderline personality disorder and check if that might apply to her. Not to help her. Because in that case you cant. But to have one more reason to run.
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kalmah0804
01-31-2018, 07:08 AM
Post: #1044
RE: Strange Gateways Beckon - Kalmah's Journey Into Greatness (WM2.0)
(01-30-2018 11:08 PM)Raikahoken Wrote:  Hey man, I'm sorry to hear that. I've been following you for a while, I was happy to see you progress from dark depression to the state you were in a few weeks ago. I wanted to chime in earlier but you needed to figure it out yourself. You arrived at the correct conclusion, your time can be better spent with other women who will give you what you want. However you need to back it up. You said you're out, so get out. Go cold on her. Don't answer her calls. Don't text her back. Boot her out of your life. So many guys (including myself) fail at doing this. They're not strong enough.

Look, you already made the mistake of over investing too fast, before she showed similar level of investment. She already sees you as a low status beta. There's no going back from there. She'll continue to try to keep you around as a beta orbiter for various purposes. She'll sprinkle in false hopes. Don't fall for it. But don't resent her either. Women f**k alphas and use betas. It's in their nature. It's your fault for her current behavior to you. You were a beta. The only thing you can do now is move on and don't be a beta next time.

Next time, convey your intent clearly to her. Let her know you'll walk away if she won't give you what you want. Learn game so that you can convey all that in a calibrated and smooth manner. But don't do it on this girl. She's already a lost cause. All the best brother, you'll find your groove soon and I'm looking forward to it!

She actually showed her true feelings for me way before I admitted I liked her a bit. She drunkenly blurted out that she loved me, told me she caught feelings for me, admitted she could see us dating seriously, falling in love together, travelling the world together, she saw us buying houses together and she told me she'd never felt this close and this comfortable with anyone in her life before so fast. But as soon as I admitted I kinda liked her a bit too she bolted.

And yeah. I'm leaving to move across the country in a week or two anyways. I may keep this girl on a talk-only basis in case she decides to change her attitude and wants to ****, but I'm sick of letting this girl get into my head and affect my thoughts, emotions and behaviors. That one's on me and my ability to self regulate, self control, and self-validate. I don't need her in my life to feel good about myself anymore. That's the one thing I learned on my time so far in Woman Magnet. I can find total contentment and peace within myself simply by being. I don't need her or any other woman to feel that way about myself--I was just hurt and jaded and upset that as soon as I made myself slightly vulnerable to her, shit hit the fan, and she got cold feet. It brought up age old feelings and fears of me always going to be alone and unloved, and how I'm never going to have my true earnest feelings of attraction or emotional investment reciprocated by a beautiful girl. These are age-old beliefs, of course, probably goign all the way back to very, very young adolescence--but glad that these things are happening to me now so that WM can help me work on them and overcome these thoughts, feelings and fears for the future.

Like snowfall, you cry a silent storm
Your tears paint rivers on this oaken wall. . .


-- Agalloch, The Mantle
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02-02-2018, 08:27 AM
Post: #1045
RE: Strange Gateways Beckon - Kalmah's Journey Into Greatness (WM2.0)
Woman Magnet 2.0: Stage 3, Day 16:

*Sigh*

Well I totally blocked all contact with this chick. I couldn't handle it all of the back and forth lies she was telling me. The more friends and people I told about her, the more they all told me to run. Truth is, I think she was manipulating and using me from the start. I think she had just broken up with her long term boyfriend and was using me to not feel so empty and lonely, but she would never give me a straight answer about anything related to that or how she felt about me or why we hadn't had sex yet. This girl was just driving me insane with all of the dishonesty, and she really hurt me because she made me feel understood and connected to in a way I never thought I'd ever have with a girl. Yes, you can say I was naive and stupid for believing her when she said she loved me after our 4th date in 5 days, but it was more than that--she would look deep in my eyes and tell me exactly the words I wanted to hear--that I'm special, that I'm a genius, and she can sense that I'm going to be very successful in accomplishing my screenwriting dreams.

I feel so retarded for having believed her--but maybe it was just the fact that there was a beautiful woman falling for me head and shoulders so unbelievably fast who "sensed" how amazing and special I was that helped seal my fate--instead of being smarter and looking at all of the clues--lying to my face several times every time we spoke, rejecting calls from her ex-boyfriend while we lay in bed together late in the middle of the night, going hot and cold and back and forth on her levels of commitment towards me and her supposed feelings towards me, all the while refusing to move closer towards actual physical intimacy with me--it was all there right in front of me that she either wasn't truly interested and was just using me for loneliness/validation, or at the very least was legitimately batshit crazy and was way too much for me to handle right now, especially given my lack of relationship experience and my plans to move across the country in the next few weeks or so.

I feel really depressed, hurt, shameful and humiliated, but I know that this will all pass. All experience in this area of my life is good experience. I've spent my whole life being alone and unloved and rejected--now, with the start of WM, I'm no longer being rejected--WM so far has done a terrific job of attracting and manifesting gorgeous, intelligent, creative girls into my life--the problem is that so far they've almost all been of terrible inner character and quality. I'm hopeful that as WM continues into the next stages the women I attract are of higher moral caliber (as well as higher physical standards of beauty), but for now, I'll be moving to LA taking better care of myself and licking my wounds instead of trying to throw myself back out there into the dating world. I'm learning, slowly, sometimes horribly painfully, but even bad experience is good experience in my life situation, because if you're smart enough, you can learn from the bad experiences, and that can make you smarter, stronger, and eventually, more successful at what you seek.

Like snowfall, you cry a silent storm
Your tears paint rivers on this oaken wall. . .


-- Agalloch, The Mantle
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02-02-2018, 01:34 PM
Post: #1046
RE: Strange Gateways Beckon - Kalmah's Journey Into Greatness (WM2.0)
I thought that Woman Magnet was really genuine teaching me how to be a better, stronger, more positive and loving person, but it only took less than 10 days with a girl who played me to have that all come crashing down around me. Instead of feeling the self-love that I have so laboriously built up for myself over the past 2 and a half months, I feel more cripplingly alone, self-loathing, and unlovable I have ever before in my entire life. I feel like my whole life has just been this desperate, pathetic endless attempt to gain some sort of deep true sense of love and acceptance from other people so that I don't have to gain that from myself, but I feel like the self-love I had built up for myself in the past 2 months was taken away from me so easily by this girl that I never truly had any real sense of self-love to begin with. I feel weak and pathetic and humiliated right now, and truly disgusted with my actions, my thoughts, my feelings, and desires and hopes, and feel so self-loathing and so truly deeply unlovable by myself and the whole world around me. I just want to be held and truly, deeply loved and accepted for who I am deep down on the inside. I don't know why I need to be so truly loved, but I know that I can't continue to live my whole life desperately pursuing that love. I thought I had grown to truly for the first time in my life accept and love myself, but actually I had just fooled myself into thinking that through denial and pushing away any dark or negative or troubling or loathing or doubtful thoughts. How am I going to truly genuinely find some semblance of inner strength, self peace and self-love without getting it from somebody else in my life? I feel so betrayed and hurt and violated and stepped upon, and I barely even knew this chick for more than two weeks. That just makes me feel even more weak, lame and pathetic--like could you imagine how broken I'll feel if I ever do get a real relationship that lasts for months or years and then it ends horribly?

I need to change something deep within myself, but I've been trying desperately to change my inability to deeply, truly love myself for years now, and nothing seems to be helping or working. How will I survive in this cruel, selfish dark world without the ability to know myself and love myself on a true, deep and fundamental level? I thought I had grown to love and appreciate myself, but a stranger took all of that away from me in less than 2 weeks time. What the **** is wrong with me? How much more pathetic can I truly get?

Like snowfall, you cry a silent storm
Your tears paint rivers on this oaken wall. . .


-- Agalloch, The Mantle
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02-02-2018, 10:30 PM
Post: #1047
RE: Strange Gateways Beckon - Kalmah's Journey Into Greatness (WM2.0)
(02-02-2018 08:27 AM)kalmah0804 Wrote:  Woman Magnet 2.0: Stage 3, Day 16:

*Sigh*

Well I totally blocked all contact with this chick. I couldn't handle it all of the back and forth lies she was telling me. The more friends and people I told about her, the more they all told me to run. Truth is, I think she was manipulating and using me from the start. I think she had just broken up with her long term boyfriend and was using me to not feel so empty and lonely, but she would never give me a straight answer about anything related to that or how she felt about me or why we hadn't had sex yet. This girl was just driving me insane with all of the dishonesty, and she really hurt me because she made me feel understood and connected to in a way I never thought I'd ever have with a girl. Yes, you can say I was naive and stupid for believing her when she said she loved me after our 4th date in 5 days, but it was more than that--she would look deep in my eyes and tell me exactly the words I wanted to hear--that I'm special, that I'm a genius, and she can sense that I'm going to be very successful in accomplishing my screenwriting dreams.

I feel so retarded for having believed her--but maybe it was just the fact that there was a beautiful woman falling for me head and shoulders so unbelievably fast who "sensed" how amazing and special I was that helped seal my fate--instead of being smarter and looking at all of the clues--lying to my face several times every time we spoke, rejecting calls from her ex-boyfriend while we lay in bed together late in the middle of the night, going hot and cold and back and forth on her levels of commitment towards me and her supposed feelings towards me, all the while refusing to move closer towards actual physical intimacy with me--it was all there right in front of me that she either wasn't truly interested and was just using me for loneliness/validation, or at the very least was legitimately batshit crazy and was way too much for me to handle right now, especially given my lack of relationship experience and my plans to move across the country in the next few weeks or so.

I feel really depressed, hurt, shameful and humiliated, but I know that this will all pass. All experience in this area of my life is good experience. I've spent my whole life being alone and unloved and rejected--now, with the start of WM, I'm no longer being rejected--WM so far has done a terrific job of attracting and manifesting gorgeous, intelligent, creative girls into my life--the problem is that so far they've almost all been of terrible inner character and quality. I'm hopeful that as WM continues into the next stages the women I attract are of higher moral caliber (as well as higher physical standards of beauty), but for now, I'll be moving to LA taking better care of myself and licking my wounds instead of trying to throw myself back out there into the dating world. I'm learning, slowly, sometimes horribly painfully, but even bad experience is good experience in my life situation, because if you're smart enough, you can learn from the bad experiences, and that can make you smarter, stronger, and eventually, more successful at what you seek.

The love is within your own heart brother. This is a small relapse into old thought habits. Keep with the program. It'll all work out.

As you feel into the love and good feelings within your own heart, this vibration is what you transmit and attract/receive. Remain in your own heartfelt love for yourself and you will attract that.

To get to that...Abraham Hicks have a thing called the emotional scale, for example, to tell someone to go from suicidal to amazing self love is too big a jump. So start small, example, from depression to feeling bad. From feeling bad to feeling sorry. From feeling sorry to feeling average. From average to OK. From OK to fine, fine to good...

As an aside, I've been running AYPSSL with US 3G for last couple of weeks and I'm finding it's bringing high quality women as echos. Plus I AM the MAN who is the answer to THEIR 'prayers' (Rule 4 Alert, lol). It's doing this naturally without any thinking on my part.

I hope this helps.
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02-02-2018, 10:53 PM
Post: #1048
RE: Strange Gateways Beckon - Kalmah's Journey Into Greatness (WM2.0)
Quote:She calls me around 7:30PM (so an hour ago) telling me she's going out with a bunhc of her friends and can't meet me anymore. Then she gives me this whole shpeel about how she doesn't do relationships, but that I should move in with her and we can share a bed and I can pay half the rent. This girl is ***** insane, and more importantly, she only became insane as soon as I validated that I had a real interest in her.

So as you become more alpha you'll grow to realise that she was, at the most looking for a **** buddy and you led with your heart. That was the story of my life so I feel for you... Now, lead with your c*ck/sex (Check out Alan Roger Currie and David Shade) and if she doesn't buy then walk away, as I assume you are doing now - You have to be tough on her or she will walk over you. It's not your fault - it's just the way women are wired. You are after all, a woman magnet, are you not?

Quote:I ***** hate that women do this, man. They get cold feet the moment the dude opens himself up just the slightest bit, makes himself the tiniest bit emotionally vulnerable to them. But I'm trained for this kind of shit now thanks to Woman Magnet. I need to stand up for myself as the high-worth, high-value guy I am. She doesn't want to give me physical intimacy? That's fine. But she doesn't want to give me emotional intimacy either? What the **** am I supposed to get out of this? I sure as hell give her enough of an ego boost complimenting her on her ass and her other qualities enough, I give her a big enough thrill making out with her and letting her shove her hand down my pants in public--but no sex, and now all this hot-and-cold *****?

Go for sex, emotions can come later, easier said than done, but it can be done.

Quote:I'm out. Too many women in the world that I could be having sex with or getting emotionally connected with in a mutual, respectful way to be treated like this by this one random girl, who isn't even all that intelligent and isn't insanely hot or anything. Big waste of my time and energy. ****.

Thats it
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02-02-2018, 11:12 PM
Post: #1049
RE: Strange Gateways Beckon - Kalmah's Journey Into Greatness (WM2.0)
No matter how much women profess to the contrary they want and need amazing mind blowing, off the charts sex. This is the first thing. It is biological for them, as it is for us.

Unfortunately society has programmed us Men to believe we must romance and lead with our hearts. The truth is - its about the sex. The heart is secondary. Its great to feel in love, BUT lead with sex and the heart can become involved much much later.

The love this woman professed, she was playing you as you noticed. Seriously check out Alan Roger Currie. he has very insightful audio books on Amazon, its certain to focus your WM run.

All the best
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02-03-2018, 07:33 AM
Post: #1050
RE: Strange Gateways Beckon - Kalmah's Journey Into Greatness (WM2.0)
Thanks or the help, man. That's actually given me a lot to think about, and I appreciate the words of wisdom.

I did initially see this girl only wanting sex, but somehow along the way allowed myself to develop feelings for her. In the end, I did break it off because I knew something was wrong because she wouldn't have sex with me after 2 whole weeks of seeing each other almost every day. So in the end I was tough and did stand my ground, it just really didn't feel very good in my heart at the time. But you can't learn anything from positive experiences only--so now, lesson learned. If we're not ***** sometime betweens dates 3-5, I should have higher standards for myself--move onto the next chick.

And yeah, I went through all of those slow stages of emotional self-growth--that's why it was so hard to see it all disappear practically overnight because of a woman--but I think you're right--I'll find my way back, and when I do, I'll be stronger than ever before for it.

Like snowfall, you cry a silent storm
Your tears paint rivers on this oaken wall. . .


-- Agalloch, The Mantle
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02-03-2018, 01:22 PM
Post: #1051
RE: Strange Gateways Beckon - Kalmah's Journey Into Greatness (WM2.0)
Woman Magnet 2.0: Stage 3, Day 17:

Having a really hard time right now. Feeling on the verge of bursting out into uncontrollable tears. My body actually physically hurts right now and a huge part of me just wants to lay down and die. Feeling so self-loathing and depressed and miserable and hopeless and I can't get anything in my life done right now. Fighting really strong urges to quit this sub and change to something else. I actually gave in for a bit and ran E2 for a few minutes before switching back to Stage 3 of WM, but that urge to quit and run and give up on progress and improving my life is at an all-time high right now, which sucks because I have a huge amount of work to get done by the end of today. Just continuing to listen to my loops as I lie curled up in a ball in my bed, trying to keep these horrible thoughts and feelings at bay and just weather the storm until whatever this horrible and deep resistance is being triggered by fully washes over me.

I just know whatever this is getting me to face, I don't want to live through doing this anymore. I don't want to live through facing this excruciating pain and fear, because I know how horribly painful it will be to get through this alive and I know deep down that I am not strong enough to survive this bit of resistance. Truly brutal stuff :/

Like snowfall, you cry a silent storm
Your tears paint rivers on this oaken wall. . .


-- Agalloch, The Mantle
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02-03-2018, 04:24 PM
Post: #1052
RE: Strange Gateways Beckon - Kalmah's Journey Into Greatness (WM2.0)
You are way stronger than you give yourself credit for. I suggest sticking with AM. When its done at least you'll have the option of refreshing with stage 7 going forward. Plus DMSI 3.2 will be available...
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kalmah0804
02-03-2018, 05:13 PM
Post: #1053
RE: Strange Gateways Beckon - Kalmah's Journey Into Greatness (WM2.0)
I'm already over halfway through with WM2.0. Not gonna quit on it now. I'll re-run the AM6 refresher after I'm done with this program, or if I have to, re-run the entire AM6.0 program for the third time until the final version of DMSI, or AM 6G comes out.

Like snowfall, you cry a silent storm
Your tears paint rivers on this oaken wall. . .


-- Agalloch, The Mantle
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02-05-2018, 09:21 AM
Post: #1054
RE: Strange Gateways Beckon - Kalmah's Journey Into Greatness (WM2.0)
Woman Magnet 2.0: Stage 3, Day 19:

So the excruciating pain is gone but I still can't escape this void and this horrible hopelessness and depression. I legitimately want nothing out of my life right now. I don't want to entertain myself by playing video games or watching movies. I don't want to do any type of work. I don't want to stay living in NYC or move across the country back to LA. I don't want to go grocery shopping or run my other important errands, but I also don't want to just sit here standing still doing nothing.

I have no idea what I want out of my life anymore. Do I really want to be a screenwriter, even, or do I just convince myself of that notion because deep down, my possibly biggest, deepest fear is that I am truly unlovable, and that I must excel in a glamorous, influential profession to prove to myself and to the rest of the world that I am, indeed, lovable. I am just sittin here wasting away what's left of my youth, chasing after girls who don't really want me and chasing after a pipedream that I am honestly not sure I will ever be able to accomplish, and even I do succeed at chasing my dreams, I am not even honestly sure it will help improve my life or make me any happier whatsoever.

I just know that deep down inside, I truly have never been able to believe that I am remotely lovable, and right now, it's impossible to avoid that feeling in my brain and in my heart, and it makes it impossible to get through each day, knowing that deep down inside, you feel truly unlovable, but can't understand what causes you to feel that way, or how you can convince yourself both consciously and subconsciously that you are, in fact, worthy and deserving of every type of success and love imaginable. I just want to be loved and to be happy, and I thought I was well on my way towards that with Stage 2, but Stage 3 has just brought me down to even deeper lows that are all the more impossible to climb out of, and I'm afraid I'm going to be stuck on this track forever...

Like snowfall, you cry a silent storm
Your tears paint rivers on this oaken wall. . .


-- Agalloch, The Mantle
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02-09-2018, 09:31 AM
Post: #1055
RE: Strange Gateways Beckon - Kalmah's Journey Into Greatness (WM2.0)
make sure u don't quit WM. I quit in Stage 5 and I wish I didn't.
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kalmah0804
04-05-2018, 10:13 PM
Post: #1056
RE: Strange Gateways Beckon - Kalmah's Journey Into Greatness (WM2.0)
It's been a really long time since I've posted, and a lot has happened.

Almost 2 months ago, now, I moved across the country again for a second stab at making a break for myself in the entertainment industry out here in Southern California. I felt like with all of the overwhelming positive growth I had gained during my nearly 9 months spent seeking treatment and therapy in New York had transformed into a truly new, loveable, successful and confident human being and that I was finally ready to move on withmy life again and try to pursue my dreams again.

Boy was I wrong. Rejection after rejection occured to me, socially, romantically, and professionally--it's been 2 months living here and I have no job, no friends, no life--the surefire guarantee safety career opportunities that I had been assured I had on lockdown completely blew up in my face. Out in NYC, on WM, I was consistently attracting hordes of decent quality women on almost all of the dating apps I had been using, but as soon as I moved to LA that came crashing down around me.

Just like I did during my last stint in LA, I had 8 months of really overwhelming solid positive self growth before everything came crashing down around me. I imploded, in an instant, and once again, I am as destitute, hopeless, depressed, and defeated as I was when I left here almost a full year ago.

I can't help but think how truly deeply ready I am to completely give up on life.

It's not that I want to die or kill myself--I just hate having to keep trying, because even when I'm confident and truly feel deeply down inside like I can't fail--even when my self esteem and self confidence and emotional well being is higher than it had ever been before in my entire life--I still get humiliated, rejected, and cast out from the rest of human society.

I feel like I've been born into a world that truly doesn't want me, and I'm sick of trying to become a part of it in any way, shape or form whatsoever, because the only thing that ever happens to me is heartbreak, grief, loss, or horrible rejection, shame and humilation to the point of my total mental and emotional collapse. I've become so sick of trying that I don't even want to try to make anything go on with my life. I haven't showered in about 10 days now and I'm okay with that. All I do all day every day is get so absurdly high so that I don't have to deal with being so truly miserable, alone and worthless, and play video games that I'm ridiculously good at on easy mode so I don't have to deal with any confrontation. I don't even buy any new video games because I can't handle the challenge or humiliation or shame or sense of failure and loss if I **** up in a ***** video game. How ***** pathetic am I? What the **** is ***** wrong with me?

When I was in New York, one night I did some late reading up on the bioneurological disorder I've lived with unfairly since I was a small child. Less than 3% of the entire population of people with my disorder in the USA get accepted into colleges. Of that 3%, less than 50% graduate with a 4 year degree.

Not only did I get into college, I got into the best goddamned school in the ***** world for my chosen profession. I got in with top ***** remarks, too--the dean of the school literally called me to tell me I got accepted in, which he admitted to me he had only done once before--to Donald Glover (aka Childish Gambino)--when he started studying at the same school as me. I used to be such a resilient fighter because I had hope alive that no matter how truly awful and horrible my life as a child and a teenager had been, there was hope for me in screenwriting.

When I started studying at NYU, I was shocked at how horribly cruel, judgemental, and clique-y college aged kids--no, technically these people were adults--could be. Literally openly mocking me to my face, joking to one another that I reminded them of the Virginia Tech shooter (just because I was quiet and awkward and had low self confidence) (this was also before mass shootings became a frequent occurence in our society). But I still had faith because while they were assholes and formed immature cliques with one another, I was always the better writer--my teachers all thought so, they all marveled with me and took me under their wing and told me how strong my grasps on even themost complicated philosophical concepts they taught, how strong my sense of language and timing was, they'd extoll endlessly to me while the rest of the kids would mock me and ridicule me both to my face and behind my back. I had a crush on a girl in the year below me for 3 years and finally gained the courage to ask her out--she laughed in my face and told me bluntly "no"--and then everyone else around me laughed too.

This isn't an isolated incident. I have hundreds of stories like these. The more I go through life I realize that the bad guys always win, and that people are generally horribly monstrous shitty human beings, and no matter how hard I try to become an alpha male or a woman magnet playboy, it's completely hopeless and pointless, because literally every single time I've ever had anything positive happened to me, it's always been an outright lie for someone to either cruelly lead me on, manipulate me, use me, or humiliate me for their own amusement. This still happens to me as a fully grown adult.

In less than 4 months time I'll be 27 years old. I know now that I was never meant to have even a shade of the life I once dreamed of. The world didn't want me to ever have that life, and ever since my Dad died, I realized that my life was truly horribly shitty--life wasn't fair, has never been fair, and never will be fair, and no matter how much I grow and change, no matter how hard I work or how much I spend on therapy or how often and how long and how loud I listen to subs, no matter how much I go to the gym or even just go to a bar "just to put myself out there", it always ends in rejection, humiliation, betrayal, hurt, and shame. My life was meant to be truly horribly awful from the moment I was born, this world doesn't want me to be remotely successful or happy or content, and I should just give up on life and smoke it all away, because I'm certainly more happy not trying and getting high than I am continuing to put myself out there. After 27 goddamned years of trying to put myself out there, I've come to no real results--and more importantly, all of the opeople from my past who were horribly and unreasonably cruel to me in my life--they're all ACHIEVING AMAZING SUCCESS. And they're happy, beloved, well-respected--hell, some of them are even rich and famous, and they're living the life that I always dreamed for myself but now know at age 27 I will never achieve.

I'm sick of trying to improve my life. I don't want to hurt myself or die, I just want to shut life off and not have to deal anymore with trying, because it's the equivalent of running head-first into a brick wall again and again and again without putting as so much as a ***** dent into it. Soon, you can't even remember why you wanted to get past the wall in the first place, and worst of all, you're so ***** up from all of the damage to your head, skin, face and brain that whatever it was tha you wanted that was behind that wall definitely won't want you in the sorry state that you've turned into.

I tried. I tried for 26 long goddamned years. I tried magick and subs, I tried meditation and trauma therapy and so many goddamned ***** pills, but nothing helps. The world keeps getting worse. Everytime it seems like I'm about to breakthrough, or that I've come to some major groundbreaking change and improvement in my life, it always just ends up crashing down around me and I'm stuck at ground zero again.

I truly don't know where else to go to in my life guys. Subs just aren't effective for me, therapy isn't, medication isn't, tapping isn't, magick isn't--building myself up from the ground, working out, taking care of mself, putting myself out there, going on dates, applying and interviewing for jobs, working for free to prove myself, working as a miserable spat upon barely-paid slave for a piece of shit scumbag in a seedy industry didn't work for me--I've tried literally every single angle and I still can't make it work.

If my life doesn't seriously turn around in the next 4 months I'm probably killing myself. If I turn 27 and I don't have something truly ***** incredible worth holding onto at that point in time, I'm done.

I was trying to talk to one of my good buddies tonight about my depressed state, and he said to me "we're all dealt the hand we're dealt, and we just got to learn to make the most of that". I was dealt a really awful hand. Say I had a 1 and a 2. Maybe I have improved a lot and maybe I still could, but at best, I will always be a losing hand.

Maybe if you're dealt a shitty hand, and you've done everything you can to improve it, and it's still a major losing hand, you're better off just folding. Play another game or drink your debts away.

I may not have killed myself yet, but I'm folding my hand. I'm done playing this stupid game we call "life". Nobody will ever see me the way that I want to be seen, and nobody will ever like, accept, or love me the way I feel like I want to be loved. I'll never be ackknowledged or wanted or admired the way I want to, and I'll never be accepted and have a deep feeling of belonging or purpose or love like I so badly strive for.

Time for me to fold. I'm done trying. Not going out anymore. Not applying for work. Not continuing my own. Not gonna bother taking care of myself, go to the gym, or do much else.

When I was young, I picked up the drums because I really wanted kids to think I was cool. I practiced all day so ***** hard because I wanted to be the best goddamned drummer in the school, I wanted to be that kid who slayed on the drumset and got all the girls. I was really goddamned good. But everyone always bullied me and told me I wasn't. I got really fuckd up in my head. I lost all of my confidence, got in my head, started ***** up. The band teachers noticed, continued to demote me, more and more until I was barely allowed to touch a ***** triangle. Eventually, I just quit.

I looked back at footage of myself playing drums a few months ago. I was young, but goddaned I had real ***** talent. If I hadn't given up, maybe I'd be somewhere. But who knows. The world really didn't want me to play drums, so I gave away my expesnive drumkit for free to some random Mexican construction worker who helped pave the driveway on my house.

I also used to be a really competitve ice hockey player. In high school, I was the co-starting goalie on my varsity squad. I played against and with famous NHLers such as Kevin Shattenkirk and Brett Pesce. I never had the opportunity myself to reach such lofty heights, but I had professional contract offers from real professional hockey teams (Mostly in Asia, lol) who wanted to sign me. I said no to focus on my dream of becoming famous in Hollywood.

Shortly after I movd here, while on my second full run through of AM6, I joined a hockey league. I was out of shape, fairly obese, and after a single game, my teammates apparently all joined up together, complained to the team captain about my performance in the first game of the season, and threatened to all quit the team if the captain didn't complain to the league about how bad I was.

Well he did complain to the league--the league defended me, actually, and said that it was one game in a 27 game season, that the game went to overtime because of my stellar performance, that the team wasn't as good as they thought it was and that this type of immature scapegoating behavior wasn't acceptable.

The team captain didn't tell me any of this, though, and instead told me that they had already put in the applicaiton to search for a new goalie and told me not to bother showing up anymore, because I wasn't good enough for their amateur beer league.

I haven't laced up my equipment since that day. It's sitting rotting in my aunt's garage 300 miles away in Las Vegas, and I probably won't be using it ever again in my lifetime.

I don't know what happened to me except that I started running subs, but at some point since I started running subs I became unable to deal with adversity and defeat. These were things I had dealt with all of my life and still somehow been able to barely overcome, but now, I fold. I quit. And I'm gonna do the same thing with my life now. I don't want to die--I just want to stop having to try living any type of life. Because I know now that the life I've always dreamed of and so desperately wanted for myself will literally never ever happen. The world didn't want me to live in it, so they cast me out, treated me this way, and only bad things continuously happen to me, no matter how positive I am, no matter how hard I work, no matter how often I try or put myself out there, no matter what kind of help I seek out, I always fail, I am always rejected, scorned, cast out, humiliated, ignored, or brushed aside. I am not worth expending energy or thought over. For 26 years I've been the only person in this planet of 7 billion people who has truly put any type of energy or mental processing behind giving a damn--I'm the only person whose ever given a damn about myself. Why? That's so monumentally stupid of me. If only I had never given a damn about myself, because then, I never would have tried, and I never would have known all of the suffering, pain, heartbreak, humiliation, shame grief and loss that I have endured over the course of my life instead.

Like snowfall, you cry a silent storm
Your tears paint rivers on this oaken wall. . .


-- Agalloch, The Mantle
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04-05-2018, 10:51 PM
Post: #1057
RE: Strange Gateways Beckon - Kalmah's Journey Into Greatness (WM2.0)
YOU CAN NOT GIVE UP ON YOURSELF.

YOU ARE GOING to HAVE TO START STANDING ALL ALONE, AND ENDURE.

I know exactly how much the feeling of pointlessness packs on itself, fucckk folding.

FuUUCk FOLDING!! FUCCk THAT FOLDING SHIET!!

You just going let your genes be wiped out, after putting all that ***** effort in, dealing with all those faggit bitches that disrespected you, and degraded you.

Wake that rage up, shadow box instead of getting high. Feel that dominating raging violent urge to survive screaming in your blood!!!!

Fap less **** more

Don’t watch porn, Be porn - Zane
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[-] The following 2 users Like Darkness's post:
CatMan, kalmah0804
04-06-2018, 11:36 AM
Post: #1058
RE: Strange Gateways Beckon - Kalmah's Journey Into Greatness (WM2.0)
Yeah... last night had a major epiphany after I made that post.

I realized that my entire life hasn't been a struggle, it's been an all-out war. I've been fighting for my place in the world since the day I was diagnosed, and never gave up ever until now. What changed? What happened to me that sapped my will to fight for my life completely?

It doesn't matter, in the end, what changed in me that cost me my fighting spirit, but I've got to get that back. For most people, they have to work to get where they want to go in life. Working isn't enough for me, because me putting in the same amount of effort as healthy normal functional people will always result in me losing the battle.

I have to start treating every arena of my life like it's a fight for survival, because at this point, that is literally what it's turned into. I am so horribly unhappy with how my life has turned out at (almost) 27 that it's causing me such deep depression and hopelessness that it is functionally threatening my life.

I told myself that I have less than 4 months until my 27th birthday. I know that on that day, if I don't have literally any type of accomplishment or progress I can look at and derive a sense of confidence or worth from, I'm going to be more depressed and suicidal than I've ever been in my life.

These next 4 months for me are crucial, because it's no longer about working hard to accomplish my dreams. For these next 4 months, every day is a fight for my very survival. If I don't do anything with myself these next 4 months, I'm seriously going to want to die more than I ever have before. What that accomplishment is can be anything--whether it's finding a full time job or girlfriend or even something as small as just getting more muscular and fit or even finally finishing a full draft of this screenplay I've been trying to work on for the last 2 years or so, it's time to stop making excuses and allowing life to defeat me.

I have 4 months to prove to myself that I've still got what it takes and that my life is still worth living.

I also should mention that yesterday was Day 7 of me running DMSI 3.2-A, so this could all be a huge part of the healing and clearing that's going on with that sub. Today is my one day break--I'm exceptionally tired and drained from all of the energy resistance, but I still forced myself to get to the gym today, even though it was only a quick visit for about 20-30 minutes... I haven't worked out in probably over 3 months, so baby steps is an important part of progress.

I'm not going to keep "trucking away", because that simply hasn't been good enough. I am going to fight and claw my way to where I want my life to be, fight with tooth and nail and every inch and fiber of my being, because I know how many ridiculously bad circumstances I've overcome before in my life just by fighting, staying strong, and believing in myself. Time to get that part of myself back, even if literally no on else in the world believes in me--my life isn't a journey, and it isn't a story or a movie--it's literal all-out warfare--me against a universe that wants me to fail, that foils me and hurts me at every chance it gets to--so time to fight back and turn my horrendous life luck around by fighting every goddamned day for my right not only to exist and live in this world, but to accomplish all of the dreams and live the lifestyle I've always wanted for myself.

If I want it, it's not good enough to work for it or to "tough out the bad times"--I have to be far more proactive, far more tenacious, and far hungrier--I have to treat every instance to improve myself and every opportunity to accomplish something as a literal life-or-death fight--because every time I continue to fail or become hurt by bad circumstances, I grow more brutally depressed and literally want to die. So me busting my ass for the life and appearance and career that I want is no longer about fantasies or about dreams coming true, it's about literal survival for me, because I know that my unhappiness at later ages in my life will be so great without having accomplished any of my goals that I'll literally want to kill myself--and if that's how my biology works, I need to treat every hour and every day of my life like it's a fight for my life, because in order for me to continue surviving and being alive, I can't just continue to sit here, be a loser, beat myself and patiently wait for life to get better and for opportunities to fall in my lap. I have to fight for every inch I earn--working for it or being patient for it simply isn't good enough anymore, because, just like they have been for my entire life, the odds are incredulously stacked against me, and only I have the fighting spirit and the ability to continue overcoming them every chance I get.

Like snowfall, you cry a silent storm
Your tears paint rivers on this oaken wall. . .


-- Agalloch, The Mantle
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