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Findingme's E2 journal
08-09-2018, 04:58 PM
Post: #1
Findingme's E2 journal
I've been on E2 again, and looking at my last journal, it was Aug. 2nd I started. I'm doing something I've never done. I'm going to make my end date 90 days from now, which is Oct. 31, Halloween.

E2, for me, was always a emotionally safe (non-explosive) sub. I still see it as a safe sub, but I'm more interested this time. It's actually showing evidence of it working in my life, from felt emotions and interactions.

Specifically, I'm finally moving into emotional connections from living with my brother until I was 13. I'd depended on his presence moving into junior high school, but he left home overnight, having been on bad terms with my mom, who bad-mouthed him constantly. I understand why he left now, but I still look for brother replacements in my life, and I'm 47.

For example, I usually act a bit immature around some men I view as leaders to me at work. Near the end of the day yesterday, one of them asked me loudly "you coming into work tomorrow?" I loudly responded "Yes sir!" since he and I play these playful roles often. However, I noticed a shop guy looking down and seriously shaking his head, and I interpreted it like he was shaming me. It hurt at first since I'd been feeling young responding to the first guy. Then, an anger, a growing one, came on me 5 minutes later. I imagined this shop worker abandoning me and sharing how immature I was to others, and them abandoning me. I felt hurt, then angry, but the anger grew. I also realized I'd never felt that reaction to this guy, but.........I saw him abandoning me. I realized this was E2 allowing this.

And today, I worked with a driver I work well with. Some time during the day in our travels, he made a joke towards gays. I've felt unconfident on E2 since it's chipping away my normal fronts, and I'd been feeling fearful some this week, seeking dis-confirmation that I might be gay. I've never had desires for this.......but it's been confused in my head since my "father figure", the only one available for me growing up, was only a year older than I. So I threw out a few angry judgements I've had about gay guys, which I've rarely admitted. Well, I found relief in the conversation since I realized I was missing my 2nd older brother too. He is gay, yet he's not trustworthy at all. But I miss him. So yeah, I have been seeking a brother figure, and I admitted that to my coworker explaining why I'd really brought it up.
I've been fearful of being inadequate around women, thus avoiding them. I've confused being loved and esteemed by male peers with being gay. I'll allow E2 to do its work, as today's revelation is a piece of resolution for me.

I'm imagining going back on DMSI "A" when I'm done with E2. I don't think I was on it long enough to remove enough sexual hangups. And my reason for E2 again actually showed up early in my DMSI journal since I used E2 at least 2 weeks prior to starting DMSI. I'd begun clearing brotherly feelings during that time. So I'm back on it.

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Infinite
08-10-2018, 05:03 PM
Post: #2
RE: Findingme's E2 journal
I had a clear and simple awareness today from E2. (Did 12 hours last night and 2 hours at work today, all US)

I realized I didn't love myself, and I'm working around men, sending this needy signal hoping someone would love me. This made complete sense since my only regular imputs are all male. In the midst of recent insecurity about my sexuality and these men, this helps BIGTIME. I knew I wasn't gay, but I've needed love and affirmation. And I've felt really vulnerable on E2 this time. It's going deeper (quicker) than it ever did before.

And listening and talking with the front secretary today for 15 minutes, a middle aged woman, relaxed me too. No flirting, just seeking quiet confirmation that I was still easy to talk to. I felt "scary" yesterday, and our conversation today had no strings attached. This caused a number of subtle and not subtle rejections yesterday by men and women, her included.

This realization came together shortly after getting home and turning my speakers up just 5%. I'd been in my bathroom last night with my phone, and turned on Frequensee. It barely registered the US frequency (only 10 feet away), so I upped my PC speaker volume in my room. I don't want to miss exposure when I'm running it.

I don't feel deserving of love presently, but E2 has scripting allowing me to love myself, plus a deservedness training for self healing and regenerating. E2 is good, really good Smile

Thank you thank you thank you!

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Infinite, ChrissyC
08-12-2018, 08:28 AM
Post: #3
RE: Findingme's E2 journal
A test? Yeah.

I was with my friends playing a game last night, and my brother called. Most of my recent interactions with him have had strong guilt and shame trips, so I ignored it. Forgot about the voicemail.

He called this morning, back to back, like an insistence I answer. Ignored it again. But it was only a voicemail. So I listened 10 minutes later. My mom, 78 years old, had fallen, breaking a rib. My brother called from the hospital.

I first called him, but it went to voicemail. So, I called my mom, the main guilt message my brother had left. Seriously, this is f***ing sick; he makes miserable decisions for himself, insisting we do the same, and always getting angry with me or others who think differently. So, I called my mom, thinking she may not be able to pick it up. She did.

She talked 15 minutes. "This went wrong, that went wrong"....... She even got angry at her nurse who vocalized that she'd had enough and had to leave the room. After hearing my mom bitch for 15 minutes, I understood her nurse vacating. When everything is "wrong", why stick around? Damned if you do, damned if you don't.

In truth, many things did go wrong, mainly since my mom does not take care of herself physically. An EMT actually tore her skin when he and another EMT were moving her onto a gurney. And when his hand slipped, she dropped with her elbow breaking on the steel bed rail.

I feel like I "should" be compassionate towards my mother, a shaming message--uggghhhh. And this may be very selfish: I've been thinking "you don't take care of yourself. Don't blame OTHERS for you being hurt--this is a result of YOUR actions" She didn't request I come see her since my brother is there, and my other brother is coming from Miami. A very sick trio, IMO. (But it takes one to know one Undecided )

Ok, I can stay in touch with her. No problem. And she didn't guilt trip me or anything.

My brother called back, full of angry expectations that I "should" visit. I don't hear love. I hear "I'm angry from being with a person acting helpless, I feel powerless trying to help her, and I need to push my frustration on YOU."

Why the **** would I even want to? S*** spreads.

The guilting and shaming are toxic, toxic, toxic. I'll stay in touch with my mom. My brother--as little as possible.

Thank you for creating OGSF and E2 Shannon. I'd just be "reacting" to everything, like they are, without it. And I used to. I'm really, really not enjoying their created fiasco, and I have no need to "fix" it either. Neither of them are helpless children.

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08-12-2018, 03:56 PM
Post: #4
RE: Findingme's E2 journal
I'm wondering something, and I may see answers while I write, so here goes.

I've been PMing with a member here today, and I shared I was on E2 presently. It was suggested that DMSI might be better for these issues. I was defending my stance on E2, and something hit me.

Do I rely upon and depend on anger towards my mom? Yes, I do. It's the only thing I've ever used to make boundaries for myself. She'd have me living with her, and she "wants" to be taken care of, by all her actions. My brother's presently filling that caretaker role--and he's a mean bastard in response to it. On DMSI I really, really pushed away from her, that bothered me (it GREATLY bothered her), and...........I'm uncertain what healthy is with her presently.

I've "held" onto anger to defend myself from her manipulation. I've also not mentioned it so far, but the elephant in the room is she's a dawn to dusk alcoholic. She's very rarely been sober, and it isolates her.

But......my wondering is "what is healthy for me when this is all she knows?" And would I recognize it? I estranged her from myself while on DMSI, like I've stated. On the other end, a young guy on DMSI has a thread since he lives at home still, and NEEDS to move out since he's sick of the manipulation his mom uses. It gives me hope since, well, I assumed (common lately) that discomfort was all I'd ever feel. I didn't think I'd get past my emotional and relational discomfort while on it. His words are energizing. He's mad, yes, but it's prompting ACTION, which is how change happens. I was angry a lot. Even one female trader I interact with on IG noticed my repulsion toward stupid BS manipulation passed off as her being a "woman". I wasn't ok with it, and I let her know.

This gives hope for returning to DMSI.

.....but I'm on E2 since my male relationships have been surfacing on it. I thought DMSI only dealt with issues relating to the sex we're attracted to. I'm open to correction if I'm wrong.

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Jake2015, Zane
08-12-2018, 06:59 PM (This post was last modified: 08-12-2018 07:11 PM by Zane.)
Post: #5
RE: Findingme's E2 journal
DMSI-3.2 the only sub I believe digs deep. But it's is we who break and leave it.. I am gonna get back on DMSI soon. It's just that I need time to gather my shit.

My sister used to disrespect me and would think as if I am her slave who will keep doing her stupid shit..she manipulated my parents to get stuff get from me... After being on DMSI I just got tired of her shit and stop talking to her and got absolutely detached from her.. Even if she was in same room as me.. I won't give a **** about it.. As she wasn't there for me.. She thought this was all a act and that I was a weak dude and will probably start talking to her in few days...

But thanks to DMSI and my IDGAF attitude.. I didn't talk to her for like 40 days.. Never said a word.. Then one days she called me in a hurry in her room and asked my why wasn't I talking to her for past 40 days.. Why.?

I answered.. I am sick of ur shit and manipulating.. I am not gonna be ur slave.. I am ur brother not ur slave.. You only want me to talk to u so that u can use me again.. For bringing ur stupid junk food from market...Told her that I don't need you and so I got no problem...

After that days she suddenly started respecting me and now realised that how stupid she is.. She even told mom that she is kinda "Scared of me"...

I maintain my distance... Now she doesn't bother me anymore.. She knows she can't manipulate me anymore..

INTP-A

Subliminal Testimonials and Reviews
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08-13-2018, 12:51 AM
Post: #6
RE: Findingme's E2 journal
Thanks Zane. I've been considering it after E2 anyway. And now I'm wondering, or worrying, if I should wait until 3.3. I've read guys should pull off 3.2 for a month for 3.3. Reading that doesn't make sense; is that true?

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Jake2015
08-13-2018, 01:57 AM
Post: #7
RE: Findingme's E2 journal
(08-13-2018 12:51 AM)findingme Wrote:  Thanks Zane. I've been considering it after E2 anyway. And now I'm wondering, or worrying, if I should wait until 3.3. I've read guys should pull off 3.2 for a month for 3.3. Reading that doesn't make sense; is that true?

Shannon hasn't said anything about pulling off from DMSI right.. When he starts working on 3.3 he will tell us to get of 3.2 a month before.. So no worries.

INTP-A

Subliminal Testimonials and Reviews
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08-13-2018, 03:09 PM
Post: #8
RE: Findingme's E2 journal
I have been angry for the last few days. Today it hit hard, and I was rude to a lady who's traded for me. I'm noticing very clearly when I think I'm being used. I worked separate from my driver today, but I saw it suddenly in many people I know, him too. It's pissing me off.

Simultaneously, Overcome the Victim Mentality is kicking in too. I'm purposely not bitching to people. I considered going to a meeting tonight. NO. Hell no. I don't want to hear myself bitch. Nothing changes until something changes; hell no. No.

That's funny to me too. I wanted to bitch here about him, her, my situation......blaaaaaaaaaahhhh. Heehee....I'm saving it Evilgrin

Anyway, I was and am angry.

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Jake2015
08-13-2018, 03:19 PM
Post: #9
RE: Findingme's E2 journal
If it makes any sense, I feel like I'm getting my mind back. That would be my mind, will, and emotions. Being pissed is so much a part of this. Still pissed.

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Jake2015, Kol
08-13-2018, 06:30 PM
Post: #10
RE: Findingme's E2 journal
A good thing would be for you to ask Shannon on his discussion journal if he plans to add more healing and clearing into 3.3 compared to 3.2 and if 3.3 will be better and stronger than E2 at clearing and healing.

This way you will know if its worthwhile for you to then use 3.3 or stay on E2.

Do understand though that with the healing and clearing, if you execute this in 3.3, the side effect could would and should be you getting plenty of sex - afterall that is what DMSI is for Wink

UM/OP - Start Mon 17 Sept'18
(7days on - 2 days off)
Fri 5 Oct'18 - Start 5 Loops
(First 2cycles=1 loop)

MLS 5.5G: ≈70days x2, IYGSH: 54days, E2: 78+48days, DMSI 3.2 - 56days & 22days
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08-14-2018, 02:41 AM
Post: #11
RE: Findingme's E2 journal
Jumping subs would not help me Jake. E2 was my 2nd sub purchased, and I've bought half a dozen or more since. I got into feeling like me sub jumping was all I knew, and it felt bad. When I looked at what other people were doing, I saw them committing themselves, posting start and end dates, and reporting.

DMSI is a very powerful sub. But so is E2. So is UD. So is MLS...ARA.....SE, should I say more?

I've looked for greener grass by jumping. I remained, essentially, unchanged. I wasted a lot of my time. That's not been a happy experience.

I'm sticking with my plan. E2 is still digging. When I did E2 a year ago, I hid from the forum. E2 challenged my foundation so much I pulled away from people here who would say "keep going". I wanted control. I sought........ouch.......to remain the same.

Going forward, I'm finding I have to face the changes taking place, consider them, and ask myself when I am eyeing the escape route.........."is this really true?" I've been helped looking at other people's experience using different subs, as we all think everyone thinks what we're thinking. But that's not true. I find encouraging results too.

I'm staying put. Change isn't so hard when I get a bigger picture of my situation and see I'm not alone. It's all good.

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CatMan
08-15-2018, 12:52 AM (This post was last modified: 08-15-2018 12:54 AM by findingme.)
Post: #12
RE: Findingme's E2 journal
Summary: I visited my mom and oldest brother yesterday. A very emotionally desperate environment for anyone needing healthier relationships. I thought I'd not write about it. But I got just a taste this morning of letting my past go. Ahhhhh.

I had to do a drug screen yesterday for work, so I had to head to my mom's town for it, 20 miles away. Texted her while waiting on my test. She was home already with my brother. When I arrived at her place, I quickly noticed things unfulfilling and life-sucking for me, and I didn't say anything, an old survival skill I used growing up.

The main stressor was my brother, a emotionally vacant man whose brain works 1000mph, meaning he never shuts up, changes subjects on a whim, and hears nothing anyone else says. I'd have jumped into the monologue if he ever gave room for it. Didn't happen once. The overload I felt around him made me leave as soon as I could.

It stressed my mom, telling me when she and I were alone that she needed emotional support, and she repeated her point. He'd obviously drained her too.

But I saw something very clearly, which is hope for me. She commented emotional support has been lacking the last 30 years, and I was noticing this: every person she reaches out to is emotionally desperate too. Most are her children, and she mentioned her sister who she's had a rocky relationship for a number of years since my mom expects old needs to be met. So, in short, she's seeking out a pain-making crowd consistently. Wow. It makes me grateful to have experience in 12 step rooms with people trying to get better, making different choices. I wonder from sane choices too, but the door is still open for change. I have choice, and awareness of choice.

Regarding freedom from my past, I got a glimpse of that before writing. I have E2 on US, and I felt suddenly.........FREE. I won't forget my past. But being free from the chains I keep returning to is a beautiful thing. I wondered for a moment, but I know......that executing that rests in my hands too. Wow Shy

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08-16-2018, 01:58 PM (This post was last modified: 08-16-2018 02:27 PM by findingme.)
Post: #13
RE: Findingme's E2 journal
I've not felt so emotionally sensitive for a while. I listened to E2 a couple of hours today while at work, and I thought I may feel some old sadness or memories may come up. What came up I'd not expected. I'll share what happened.

I've been sought to fill a position at my job starting 2 Mondays from now, and upon arriving back at the yard to head home, the previous worker for this position approached me. He clarified some things, and he shared something I simply reacted to.

He shared low key, but like it was fact, that he'd been told he had to keep an eye on me since I have "fallen out" before. (WHAT? This was news to me!) I asked for more info, but he said that was all he knew. My reaction was I told another driver close to us "I just learned that I've fallen out here! It's news to me!" He dismissed it and continued his duties, so it stopped there. But I felt offended, like people only have guts to assume something but never--absolutely never--will they talk to me about this. I've withheld outward response to this, yet it pisses me off. It really does. Rant time.

I'm pissed since I work for a company/branch that will watch you and keep tabs on you, but never tell you, nor discuss anything. I feel violated--disrespected since they won't care enough to ask about it or check their thinking. It's breeding grounds for feeling powerless, and the guy who did this position right before me left for that very reason. He'd done major machinery work in another state, but came here and was told literally by the head boss when he requested a different position, "You're not going anywhere. You'll be in that position until I retire". Yes, he's an a**hole.

And to wrap up my day--right with my anger surfacing, #2 boss stops me before I leave. He says I'm actually starting tomorrow in my position. Not bad news, but my mood's stayed.

I'll share what happened the last time I felt like this. I wrote something in Shannon's journal, and Ben made some jest remark. I was honest, and I told Ben I felt hurt and angry. It was silent for a few hours on the journal, and a number of hours later, I owned my shit and shared I'd overreacted. Ben responded he realized I was going through something. And I was, for only a few hours.

About "falling out": when I first began UD, I remember feeling woozy when talking with a mechanic one day, and his facial expression showed it. That was a year ago. However, lately I've been drinking more coffee, which is resistance. Since I work outdoors, it dehydrates me, and I've felt dizzy a number of times. It does piss me off that people watch, but don't care to talk about this "concern". In my anger, it breeds a "you don't care? Why should I?" at work.

It feels similar to me feeling "used". Like I'm used for their monetary benefit ONLY. Why the f*** would they care about someone? F*** them!

Rant done. F*** them!

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08-16-2018, 03:14 PM
Post: #14
RE: Findingme's E2 journal
I know I'm not the only one here, by far. I'm realizing how much and how often I try to deny my feelings. An example is "this company can use me, but f*** them, I'll go employ myself". But......it's embarrassing to admit this to myself--I've been afraid to go out there and do my own thing.

Why? Fears of success, of failing and feeling ashamed, etc., etc. What I've done (seems like hundreds of times) is begin some online business, but peter out since my imagination is set to see failure more than success. But I derailed here some.

I feel sad at this moment since E2 is obviously working on something.....and I feel AFRAID. Fearing I'll lose control and (drama drama drama)......I'll cry. I'll let it go. I'll release fears I've held to.........shit.......

Something in me IS moving, since I am home running E2 on US, and I just let some tears out.

I'm fearing I'll be taken advantage of if I let my guard down.

Yes. That's it.

Looking for "other work" is nothing but fear talking to distract me from feeling my feelings.

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08-19-2018, 06:41 AM (This post was last modified: 08-19-2018 06:47 AM by findingme.)
Post: #15
RE: Findingme's E2 journal
I've been having fear surface, but E2 is a full-time H+C sub. It's nothing like Zane's experience on UMOP, but gradual and kind of progressive.

Mine has been having fears and reminders around old relationships. Mostly, and primarily around family. My oldest brother is staying with my mom while she recovers from broken bones, and it would require a full-time emotional shield (I imagine) to go visit her again since being around my oldest brother is such a mind-f***ing experience.

Also, I've been hostile toward people trying to deceive me. I blasted the woman trader I work with yesterday since she did just that. I've been angry towards myself when I'm trying to believe old lies.

Which brings me to something I've noticed numerous times this week, and it's linked to my anger. I've lived in a fantasy world so long that it actually became my life. This fantasy had been easier to stomach, and I looked for people with similar thinking whether it was at work, church, school, or anywhere. When people agree with it, it reinforces it.

This fantasy thinking is being picked away slowly, and I had an experience yesterday which showed me questioning it myself. I was playing our money game with friends last night, and I've shared in other journals how one guy lives in a lot of denial (fantasy is a better world though).

He'll often go into long monologues of his plans and actions on wealth building, sharing minute and frustrating details. Last night, for my own reasons, I asked him repeatedly for specific actions he'd done TODAY to move forward with his goals. He repeatedly kept going into the theories and plans, and I kept returning him to today. I did this since I've done the same avoidance thinking, and I was not hot or angry in any way. But the fantasy thinking was seen plain as day to me, and I was asking compassionately.

Because we both have had blinders on for very real reasons, and I pick up he's not wanting to feel like a failure in present life; thus the many defenses and diversions. Plus, his wife is very, very unhelpful in any way to him, constantly criticizing him. That's taking a toll on his self image, and he's showing more powerlessness going forward with such non-support.

For myself and my fear today, I instantly imagine someone finding weaknesses and criticizing me when thinking of talking to strangers, friends, acquaintances, and family--I am very resistant to being around family. I noticed while writing that that I criticize myself when I'm "failing" in a social gathering. I tear myself down heavily. THAT is why I don't socialize much. I treat myself badly, and it's been "normal" to me.

How do I change that? I don't know now. This has been my reactive lifestyle, and I'm looking..............whoa....I have to stop. Naming and blaming big reasons, like "they're the problem". I'm looking for reasons to believe I'm helpless. The victim mindset was used every day in my life. I'm looking for it since it's easier than taking responsibility for it. (I may fail). More "reasons".

I did admit that. I'm seeking ways to be responsible in it.

I can do this. I will do this. I will succeed. When I stumble, I'll get back up again. I am successful. I can do this!

Different. Confused


Edit: Does E2 or any other sub help with the self-criticism, and the pattern of doing this to oneself? The only thing I know of is UMOP, which has a feature preventing it. I'd been eyeing USLM myself. I'm open to suggestions.

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08-19-2018, 09:43 AM (This post was last modified: 08-19-2018 09:50 AM by findingme.)
Post: #16
RE: Findingme's E2 journal
Ok, going to my mom's now. She did her normal manipulative routine of calling twice, back to back, since she has some "emergency". I didn't answer. I HATE the lying and manipulation. I might mention it. Will see.

She texted giving her reasons. My brother, the saviour here, left back for Miami, and her text literally said "****'s gone. I need your help. Ouch......that hurts......." like I'd come since she's in some emergency. She creates emergencies constantly so people will rescue her. Vomit.

I'm going knowing I'll only stay 30 minutes or so. I literally just boxed up my laundry, planning on doing at her house. I don't want to do that. I'll be stuck there until it's finished, and it's a mindf*** for me. I'm keeping my laundry here and will wash it when I'm home.

My clearest motivation for going is this: months back, when I first purchased LTU 5G, I'd run it less than 24 hours. I'd planned on skipping out from seeing my mom. LTU kicked in, motivating me to keep my original word, and I did even though it was a do-nothing Sunday in the late afternoon. I felt good about myself taking care of my responsibilities. I'm going today mostly since I don't wish to regret not going. She's still my mom. I'll learn something too. I'm looking for the lesson.

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08-19-2018, 04:32 PM (This post was last modified: 08-19-2018 04:34 PM by findingme.)
Post: #17
RE: Findingme's E2 journal
Went to mom's. Felt uncomfortable. Was hovered over when doing what she asked. I saw why I self criticize, as she only spoke when something was not perfect.

And yay me! I spoke up about the hovering near the end of my visit. I said I always wait for her "correction", but I also said I knew some things are never perfect, trying to share my frustration. She said she'd not do that next time.

I left there feeling very unsettled. Very uncomfortable. I wanted to share it with someone else (or anyone), so I went to a Narcotics Anonymous meeting in my town since it was the only meeting I knew of or felt relatively safe in. The reading was on a spiritual focus, which I won't share (Rule 4), but I picked up what I needed from it. Sometimes, just being in a meeting can shrink my problems to reasonable size. It worked. I didn't share since I'm not a drug addict, but I got what I needed.

And the meeting ended. I felt comfortable about just leaving, which I did. But I had confused feelings about not talking or connecting with anyone after. And I think I saw why, thanks to E2. I'd bitched about my mom this morning, and how she lied and manipulated to get her needs met. Years back in meetings, I heard "if you spot it, you've got it". I'd been thinking of this when I first left my place to go see my mom. And as I began leaving the meeting, I realized I felt uncomfortable staying and talking since, out of a fear I've held to, I've lied and manipulated to get and keep people's attention. I shared here today I hate that. I hate it because I do it myself.

I hope E2 will help me be more honest and more open when sharing with others. I'll add I'm grateful I'm committed to this for 90 days, especially with all the new toys (subs) out. I will say sharing here is a relief now. It is a very good start Smile

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08-20-2018, 04:16 PM
Post: #18
RE: Findingme's E2 journal
I'm going to share something which scares me kind of. But it's not emotional stuff, memories, and such. It has to do with my present occupation.

I'm taking from an E2 journal I read sometime in the last 2-3 weeks, and the sub user shared he didn't like the occupation he was in. He was reevaluating his present direction, and Shannon chimed in saying E2 has that ability to put them on a path following their heart. I'm wishing to find that journal again, for I very grossly put it in my own words. That journal encouraged me, though I'd forgotten about it. I'll lay out where my head was today to bring me where I am now.

While at work travelling to different stops, I'd get on my phone and check emails. I'm subscribed to a number of journals here.

I also get emails from another sub vendor who makes his own subs. The message today was about finding your purpose. Intrigued, I read. I've never used any of his subs, but the idea(s) were in my head.

For some reason, I am examining my actions and desires for doing an online business, which I'm currently not doing. I was looking and considering things I've not really considered before. One leads seller I've been subscribed to for almost 3 years, and I actually unsubscribed many months back. Still getting his emails in my trash folder, where I found it and looked inside. I was considering his offer in tandem with other services or products I could sell.

But what struck me came at the end of the day. Since I've actually been hired on (since last Friday), I'm wearing their uniform now. I had one worker say I was a "company man" now. I liked the attention, but the title...........I'm not sure that's me. It feels like I've sold my soul, almost. Another driver asked me about me getting my commercial drivers license (CDL), and I was honest, though I realized I was close to the boss' office, where he could have heard me. I told the driver "I've not been looking into that lately. I've been looking into lots of things". I felt nervous, so I was purposely vague.

I've not stated I don't want to be a driver for this big company, but it's not my dream or want at all. The money's good.......but is that the ONLY reason I'd stay for years? The expected response from normal employees would be sickening to me:

Do it for the money!
Get the benefits!
Work for 20 years and retire nicely!

........they're small, small, very small ideas of what motivates me. Those things do NOT motivate me. The primary reason I've been a "good employee" was to earn my boss's approval. I won't hide that. Making my boss think I could be his man to choose for new positions was my focus. Now I've been chosen, and I'm feeling.....unimportant. I'm thinking "I'm just on the hamster wheel now. Same thing, day in, day out..."

The reason I've started and stopped in successful home and online businesses 10 times or so is simple. I've not believed in myself. I'm doing my present job since someone else believed in me, and it encouraged me to work for more of it. And I did that. Just...... something is changing in me. My motivation is not money. It's freedom. Freedom to create, explore, grow, explore more, make peace with myself, all of that. It feels like I've stated before, like I'm selling my soul working with this "stable" company.

I've eyed USLM to motivate me more and clear out my hindrances to move forward. UMOP is good, but my procrastination is fear motivated. Fear of this, that, whatever. Being successful, in my mind, is similar to my messy thoughts about sex: like I'd have to "use" people to execute on it. And that's never felt right to me.

Lastly, I'll connect some dots here. In the Myers Briggs tests, I am an INFP. I questioned it in the years I learned about it, I gave room for misjudgements, but retesting many times and reading on feelings and characteristics, I know I am an INFP. A dreamer. An idealist. I've gone into my main library and pulled out MBTI books to remind me and refocus my desires so I wasn't wasting my time considering options (mostly when job searching). From life experiences, I am a musician, a teacher, an encourager, a builder of other's dreams, and now I'm in a new spot; I'm looking at MY dreams, MY motivations, and everything that is ME.

Thank *** I'm on a sub focusing on MY stuff, MY feelings, and apparently, MY dreams.

Just sharing here: I feel like I have to run AWAY from naysayers of my dreams, but moving towards my dreams excites me. And I just felt that.

I want to be FREE!
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Zane
08-21-2018, 12:48 AM
Post: #19
RE: Findingme's E2 journal
Something in me has changed, and I think it's good. I've shared many times, on this and other journals of mine, how I hate lying to others full-time. This morning, I imagined being defensive when talking to coworkers when I arrive at work, so I looked at what's bothering me.

I have thought that being fake was the only thing acceptable. I'd rather ignore people and not look them in the eye vs. put on a front. I've done the latter hundreds of times, and I've had few times I'd want to do it again. I feel like I'm on stage, constantly looking for my parts to come up.

But this morning, some choice in me is trying to be acknowledged. I don't have to be fake. My defensiveness is more pointed at myself. "Why can't I drop the act?"

I also thought I'd feel stronger when I chose to not put fronts on. My "strength" has always been fear, nothing more. Fear puts on a lot of masks.

I'll see what happens today.

I want to be FREE!
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Shannon, Zane
08-21-2018, 02:31 PM
Post: #20
RE: Findingme's E2 journal
Ok, I got pissed right before leaving work. Been considering my solutions and possible choices, and..... doubt rose, maybe from fear, so I'm pretty sure it'd be the right choice.

First, I asked my ex-Marine alpha boss before leaving if I'd be doing a certain task tomorrow, he said yes, and another worker came up behind me waiting his turn. What pissed me off was the boss blew me off so quickly to begin talking with the other guy enthusiastically. I felt dismissed, and I'm mad. I shared two days ago how I felt unimportant at work, and that is what I'm talking about. I've not had a spine, people know it, and I've been regularly dismissed.

I'd been reading some journals today, and I opened Antaeus' AM6 journal. I'm unsure exactly what stage he's on, but his anger from being dismissed, ignored, and talked over is boiling in him. I resonated with it, and this was hours before work ended.

I'd not eyed AM6 in a while, and I've been perpetually focusing on healing and clearing. I'm seeking a spine, not a "high". Some guts and willingness to say "HEY! You're being an a**hole!" I was disrespected by an actual a**hole I worked with today, and I'd not even thought of subs or AM6. My boss dismissing me so quick is bulls***, and I'm not ok with it. F*** no!

I'm considering AM6 once my 90 days on E2 is up. I'm frickin tired of being shit on and allowing it. It's not right. I'd thought of USLM, but it was optional. I've wanted confidence, and AM is loaded with it. And doubting every move will get me nowhere, as I'd looked at USLM for business reasons. AM6 would be a much better choice.

A good note: I'd not been running E2 on my phone all day, but 30 minutes before I left, I turned it on. It may have allowed this for me.

I want to be FREE!
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